Problems with boyfriend

coco

Yesterday my boyfriend left me with his phone i said fine you no and this girl rang and hello darlin i was puzzled and mad. Ive been going out with him for two and half years on and off but ive always been honest to him and he is to me! I rang the girl to see who she was she said she loved him etc. I asked who was she and he said she just a person he talks to sometimes. I dont know how to feel about it because i dont know whether to believe him or not. But you see hes always there for me and cares about me alot he saved me from alot of bad things that ive done or nearly happened and just bad things etc. I dont know what to do?? i dont know whether i trust him?

koneko

Talk to him again. She said she loves him, that doesn't sound like someone he just talks to sometimes. That sounds like either a) he's cheating or b) she's a mentalist.

Did you mention (when you talked to him) that she said she loved him?

[edit] Also, what exactly did the other girl say? Did she say much else besides "I love him", how did she say it?

Sleepy

I know I've a few close friends I'd call by terms of affection but the fact she says she loves him is strange. What age are ye all? Pay attention for other signs of infidelity without getting paranoid.

And finally, the correct use of grammer is a good thing.

Dr. Loon

Sleepy wrote:

And finally, the correct use of grammer is a good thing.

Never. Ever correct someones "grammar" unless you can manage to spell yourself. :rolleyes:

Original poster. Maybe it's his Ma?

Saint

Well ignore the darling thing, Some girls call everybody darling or love, or whatever. He may just consider her someone to talk to, someone who isn't as close to him as you. I bet that's what really hurts. It's one thing going to someone else for some sex, but it's another thing if he's not getting the emotional support he needs from you, and has to turn to someone else. Your really pissed that he's sharing an important part of himself with someone other then you.

whosurpaddy

Dr. Loon wrote:

Original poster. Maybe it's his Ma?

classic dr loon. only you buddy. only you.

orig poster, more details. what did you say to your bf?

finnpark

Hes obviously cheating on you. He has a bit on the side, maybe more girls too. Hes been playing you for a fool I would say. In my opinion move on and get someone who appreciates you. If you are to stay with him you must meet this other girl (with him there) to iron things out. Or are you happy being in a 3 way relationship????. Good Luck.

seamus

Tread carefully. She may be a mate who does indeed love him, but he doesn't know it. If you ring her and go "Hi, I'm his girlfriend", and she quite readily says, "Oh right, I love him", then she may be attempting to do some damage to you relationship - move in on him when you dump him in a jealous rage.

I have female friends who'd say "Howya darlin'" when they see me (and it's all above board), so don't immediately assume the worst.

Dr. Loon

whosurpaddy wrote:

classic dr loon. only you buddy. only you.

Eh... what? Was it you gave me negative reputation? Ye hoor.

My post was serious. Maybe it was his Ma or sister fúckin with original posters head for the laugh. Either way. There's not an awful lot of information to go on. Speak to the boyfriend is the best thing really.

shiv

coco, i feel for you, i really do.
when you said the other girl said, i love him, etc. what does the *etc* mean exactly??

if your bf is speaking to someone else on a regular basis and he's failed to inform of you of this fact (especially when it's a girl), something's fishy, and i would try to get to the bottom of it sooner rather than later.

it doesn't matter if he's saved you from bad stuff or situations if he's hurting you on the sly himself, even if you've been previously unaware of it until now. in the end it could end up hurting you more..

the interesting part to me is that he left you with this phone at all..usually a guy creeping around would be more possessive and paranoid about keeping it close if he had something he didn't want found out, so you have to give him some benefit of the doubt until you get all the facts.

that being said though, go with your gut instinct. if you feel he's lying or making you feel like you're blowing up a trivial thing, you can almost guarantee he's trying to deflect attention from himself and make you feel like you're imagining things.

i hope for your sake it all turns out to be innocent.

Beruthiel

shiv wrote:

iif your bf is speaking to someone else on a regular basis and he's failed to inform of you of this fact (especially when it's a girl), something's fishy, and i would try to get to the bottom of it sooner rather than later

I would tend to agree
I would have thought that after 2.5 years you would know who his friends are, if he has not told you about this particular 'friend' then I'd have to wonder why....

whosurpaddy

Dr. Loon wrote:

Eh... what? Was it you gave me negative reputation? Ye hoor.

My post was serious. Maybe it was his Ma or sister fúckin with original posters head for the laugh. Either way. There's not an awful lot of information to go on. Speak to the boyfriend is the best thing really.

no i didnt give you negative reputation. i have much time for the teachings of loon. you approach stuff from a unique angle to say the least.

coco

You see the conversation went like this hi who is this and she said her name and wanted to no where my boyfriend was, then she said i really love him and miss him. But when i confronted him about her he said that he only talks to her once and awhile and that he wont talk to her again because he loves me. Then i told him to ring her and ask her why she was telling me that she loved him, she turned around and said i loved him as a friend! Her story changed again. I dont know how long his been talking to her im worried because i love him to bits hes always at my house and i just dont see how he could be cheating on me! Like im 20 and his 19! Were like best friends but goin out with each other!

Jim

Maybe she meant as a friend in the first place. Some people use the word love very loosely.

Dr. Loon

whosurpaddy wrote:

no i didnt give you negative reputation. i have much time for the teachings of loon. you approach stuff from a unique angle to say the least.

Grand... and thanks. I'll give ye a bit of rep for that.

Coco... you really do need to think about what you're writing. It's very hard to understand what you're trying to say... but it sounds like your boyfriend is hiding something. You need to really take him up on it. Have a super rumble if needs be.

seamus

You've immediately assumed he's cheating, which is the natural thing obviously.

From what you've said there, it sounds like as I said - she doesn't like you, she wants him, and he's the poor sap caught in the middle with some bunny boiler trying to get his girlfriend to break up with him. Or it may be as Jim says - Some women use "love" very loosely. Maybe she meant it like, "Oh, you're his girlfriend? Oh I love him, he's so great." Say that in a cheerful tone, and suddenly it's not a bad thing.

Men are awful liars. You should be able to tell by his body language if he's been cheating. He'll be more affectionate (to compensate for being such a ****), more attentive, and making excuses to go places a lot of the time.

You say he's always at your house - twould be difficult to cheat then, wouldn't it?

logic1

'Borrow' his phone and send her a message saying:

"When can we meet again? Last time was fun"

and wait for the response.

.logic.

koneko

Yeah sounds to me like she's a mentalist. He's with you, she wants him, when it was clear he wants you and not her she goes "umm... yeah i love him as a friend.. yeah that's what I meant".

If he was cheating you'd have noticed something before I'm guessing, like him going missing, acting shifting. He's at your place all the time so he can't be up to much.

coco

He was so upset last night he said he didnt meet her he doesnt even no what she looks like. I told him i could never be with some1 who lied to me!

But you see hes not like other guys far enough he likes soccer wat fellas like but he sensitive and caring. As i said ive done ive not been proud of things of happened to me and ive nearly done stupid things and he stops me! And hes always there i just dont understand how he could!

Imposter

seamus wrote:

You say he's always at your house - twould be difficult to cheat then, wouldn't it?

Not with her sister!

/me hears mod, me runs.

bombidol

Chances are shes just a fruit loop. As punters are inclined to be mad bastards once in a while

Zulu

coco wrote:

You see the conversation went like this hi who is this and she said her name and wanted to no where my boyfriend was, then she said i really love him and miss him. But when i confronted him about her he said that he only talks to her once and awhile and that he wont talk to her again because he loves me.

She's a mentalist. You should trust your man.

(After 2 1/2 years, I'd expect you to trust me and not some crazy bint that wants to split us up)

....but please use punctionation. I couldn't care less about spelling, just the odd comma - they're free!

seamus

coco wrote:

He was so upset last night he said he didnt meet her he doesnt even no what she looks like. I told him i could never be with some1 who lied to me!

But you see hes not like other guys far enough he likes soccer wat fellas like but he sensitive and caring. As i said ive done ive not been proud of things of happened to me and ive nearly done stupid things and he stops me! And hes always there i just dont understand how he could!

Then does he not deserve the benefit of the doubt?
You already know this yourself - why would you take the word of a woman who (by your accounts) doesn't sound all there, or very honest, over the word of the man you've trusted for the last 2.5 years?
Are you willing to throw it away because of an errant comment?

If he was cheating, you'd have suspected it. This would just have been confirmation of your suspicions.

coco

Im really sorry about the writing im useless at punctuation and spelling anyway first of all hes not seeing any of my sisters ok uh!!

He says he loves me and that theres nothing goin on but i dont know its like he leaving a bit out. I dont know what it is. But i dont think it is cheating hes havin problems at moment for his college repeat exams and well he down about im just afraid that he feels that he cant talk to me and hes talking to her instead but it seems like more??

Unpossible

Do you have an exclusive on his conversations? Is he not allowed talk about things with anybody other than you?

I have a few friends (female) who I share things with, these things may be my current relationships, how college is making me feel or just light conversations. They also tell me their woes and joys. On different occasions one or two of them have come over to me when Im with others and said "Oh I love him, hes such a great friend, good guy (women will believe anything :cool: ), blah blah blah "

Just a thought, could he be the one listening to her troubles& giving support rather than the other way round?

Zulu

coco wrote:

Im really sorry about the writing im useless at punctuation and spelling anyway first of all hes not seeing any of my sisters ok uh!!

He says he loves me and that theres nothing goin on but i dont know its like he leaving a bit out. I dont know what it is. But i dont think it is cheating hes havin problems at moment for his college repeat exams and well he down about im just afraid that he feels that he cant talk to me and hes talking to her instead but it seems like more??

No worries about the punctionation - I'm just being a bit prickish.
As for the being afraid to talk to you, there will be certain things he won't ever talk to you about. If he likes you/loves you that much, he won't share thing that he may feel will change your opinion of him.

There will be circumstances when events will happen, that just can't be explained without looking very bad. - For example: you go to a party; you meet a guy; you get on well; you explain you have a boyfriend; you go home. A week later, the guy you met send a text message saying "thanks for a REALLY great night, I'd love to meet you again, GuysName XXX". Your boyfriend sees the text message. You have to explain.
...or do you delete the text message and never mention it again?

In a relationship - you've got to give the benifit of the doubht - unless your going to break up. You either trust or you don't.

narommy

This is my first reply ever.

This is my view.

I've a girlfriend that i love sooo much. I'm completely faithful in a physical sense.

I txt complete strangers that i've never met and that i've no intention of ever meeting. And i discuss anything and everything with them. sometimes the discussion goes into my personal issues. Sometimes i discuss things before bringing an issues up with my gf. othertimes it's an issue i just couldn't ever discuss with my gf. I just need some 1 to bounce things off.

My gf & i don't have the best lines of communications ever so that could be it?

She is slightly dependent so sometimes need to talk to some1 when pressure builds up.

There's no way i'd tell her about these people because i'm pretty sure she would react like you. And i couldn't blame her. And i can't blame you.

Good point some1 made about why he gave you the phone in first place. Maybe he wanted to clear things up.

I'd say the girl was trying to thro spanner in works.

Try to get him to chat about it frankly, get some drink involved. If he sticks to his story accept it and put the whole thing to the back of your mind and don't keep bringing it up. Move on and be happy!

But do keep her number and give it to me........ joking

But do keep her number and then get him to delete it. Then check his phone book if you're suspicious in the future.

John

shiv

i'm interested in how he knows this girl if he's never met her (at least that's what he says..)

in my opinion it doesn't necessarily make it any better or less hurtful if it's one of these internet/text pseudo-relationships people get involved in for whatever reason, it's still a betrayal, even if it's not to the same degree..

saying that, degrees are all relative..

coco, don't underestimate women's intuition either.
if you feel there's something missing or left out of his explanation, chances are, there is.
you don't have to be a mental bunny-boiler to come to that conclusion either.

as for sending the girl a text from his phone, somehow me thinks you won't get the opportunity of minding his phone again any time in the near future..
but if you did, i would confront her again, and see if you can get some honesty out of her at least, that's what i'd do anyway..she has less reason to bull**** you, especially if she wants your bf.

koneko

They've never met, and she still says she loves him (as a friend or otherwise)? Yeah she's sounding more and more like a mentalist to me....

seamus

shiv wrote:

she has less reason to bull**** you, especially if she wants your bf.

Or she has more reason to bull**** her, if she wants her boyfriend.

I think talking to the girl is the worst thing you could do tbh. You'll only make yourself more confused, because you can't trust this girl, you don't know her at all, and even your boyfriend says he doesn't know her - and you trust him.

Esel

Zulu wrote:

....but please use punctionation......

Neologists - don't you just love 'em! Yes, and make sewer your grammer and speling are write too.

I am inclined to agree with the 'mentalist' school, but think you are the only one to judge - go by his body language and eyes. The eyes, the eyes! Does he touch/rub his nose or put his hand to his mouth when discussing the issue?

LilyMon

Does he surf the net a lot?
Chances are if he's never seen her then he met her in an internet chatroom - things can get pretty screwed up in that kind of a 'friendship' - we've seen people post before on how they've met someone they really really like on the net and they think they're in love etc. etc. - maybe this girl thinks the same?

Dr. Loon

Zulu wrote:

There will be circumstances when events will happen, that just can't be explained without looking very bad. - For example: you go to a party; you meet a guy; you get on well; you explain you have a boyfriend; you go home. A week later, the guy you met send a text message saying "thanks for a REALLY great night, I'd love to meet you again, GuysName XXX". Your boyfriend sees the text message. You have to explain.
...or do you delete the text message and never mention it again?
.

Why would you give your mobile number to some dude you've met and told that you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?! Doesn't make sense. So yeah... it'd look bad for a reason. That being giving your number out to strange blokes/girls is a bit odd.

Zulu

Dr. Loon wrote:

Why would you give your mobile number to some dude you've met and told that you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?! Doesn't make sense. So yeah... it'd look bad for a reason. That being giving your number out to strange blokes/girls is a bit odd.

OT granted - but I never said the person gave their number. Perhaps (s)he asked a friend for it.

Christ almighty it's not a real situation, but thanks for pointing out how quickly people jump to conclusions in such circumstances!

fitz

To typedef or not to typedef...that is the question...

pretty-in-pink

the odds are on that its innocent. if you dont trust him or have doubts then sit him down and talk things through. its the best way, talk through it all, every issue. if you keep stuff hidden it will build up and make things crappy

dudara

Having been through something very similar myself, and still feeling kind of raw from it, here's my perspective. It could be all innocent and then again it might not be. But first of all, you have to ensure that it stops. That's a priority.

Secondly, you are his girlfriend and he has to be able to talk to you. You might not have done anything to deserve this messing around behind your back, but you must try to make sure that the channels of communication are open.

PM me if you want more of a chat

Typedef

There are two possibilities I would think.


A: She's a nutcase so-called *friend* of his who hates you and would like to see the two of you split up, because she thinks she'd have a chance at him then.

B: He's shagging her and you... but, finds you a better trophy, so she's secret and you're 'official'.

I suppose it's entirely possible she's not some sort of (I love you and will wait for you stalker) or ( bit on the side ) , but I doubt it...

There may be no sex involved, between the two of them.. but, you'd have to be enormously stupid or delusional *not* to assume the worst when another, unknow person who is a potential sexual competitor informs you that they love your partner.

Like
*bump*.

Typedef

koneko wrote:

Yeah sounds to me like she's a mentalist. He's with you, she wants him, when it was clear he wants you and not her she goes "umm... yeah i love him as a friend.. yeah that's what I meant".

If he was cheating you'd have noticed something before I'm guessing, like him going missing, acting shifting. He's at your place all the time so he can't be up to much.

There you go. She's a semi-delusional stalker type.. who'll wait for the two of you to break up, so she can sweep in in some fashion.

Probably he doesn't find her attractive... so hasn't left you...
In some ways that should be validating for you... you know ... being *chosen*... sort of like Jesus... or a good bit of cattle in the market.

In any case... random people don't just 'profess' love for random others, where psychotic medicines aren't involved...

So I should think that you would not want to be so quick to dismiss this ... 'incident'.

coco

Zulu wrote:

No worries about the punctionation - I'm just being a bit prickish.
As for the being afraid to talk to you, there will be certain things he won't ever talk to you about. If he likes you/loves you that much, he won't share thing that he may feel will change your opinion of him.

There will be circumstances when events will happen, that just can't be explained without looking very bad. - For example: you go to a party; you meet a guy; you get on well; you explain you have a boyfriend; you go home. A week later, the guy you met send a text message saying "thanks for a REALLY great night, I'd love to meet you again, GuysName XXX". Your boyfriend sees the text message. You have to explain.
...or do you delete the text message and never mention it again?

In a relationship - you've got to give the benifit of the doubht - unless your going to break up. You either trust or you don't.

I tell him everything id rather be honest than lie. I think lying is horrible! And as well as that if you lie it always comes back and haunts you!

coco

I dont mind him chatting to people that doesnt bother me at all im not an obsesive person! And im completely honest him like i txt people he no's but id never tell the people i txt i love them there just friends so! Why does he have to do it?

Zulu

coco wrote:

I tell him everything id rather be honest than lie. I think lying is horrible! And as well as that if you lie it always comes back and haunts you!

I'm not talking about lieing - consider it more of truth manipulation or "need to know" basis.

And don't say you don't lie; everybody lies.

Zulu

coco wrote:

I dont mind him chatting to people that doesnt bother me at all im not an obsesive person!

Fair enough.

coco wrote:

And im completely honest him like i txt people he no's but id never tell the people i txt i love them there just friends so! Why does he have to do it?

What?