Let ex free and now he is dating again.

LegacyUser

I probably will not get much sympathy here but I still need to get this off my chest. A few months ago I met this guy that I fell head over heals in love with but there were issues such as him being very tight with money, thoughtless (he would not walk me to the bus etc) and bad on being in contact, my family also did not like him. In any case - I let him go, by whenever I saw him the feelings were still there...however I felt that we both needed to move on, so I decided to not meet him again - I sent him a mail recently and he said that he had moved on...now however the waterworks have started - did I make a huge mistake? I really loved him.

fitz

You really loved him.
So you dumped him cause he was very tight with money and thoughtless etc, etc...

It sounds like you either have a bad case of princess syndrome and require the guy to be Prince f*cking Charming, or he was an asshole and you're a stereotype...can resist the arsehole, overlooks nice guys.

Either way, spilled milk. Huge mistake or not, learn from it and move on.

Beruthiel

HeartBroken wrote:

but there were issues such as him being very tight with money, thoughtless (he would not walk me to the bus etc) and bad on being in contact

what exactly do you mean tight with money?
and why would you really love someone who you say is so thoughtless?
I agree with fitz on this one, move on and forget about him, it sounds like he has.

Going Demented

You "let him go" and decided not to meet him again. Then you decided to mail him and he let you know he had moved on. Was he not meant to move on? Was he meant to sit around and wait for someone who had decided not to meet him again? I'm not being harsh here but in all fairness. He's moved on - chapter over. I think it's best if you do the same. Maybe make it easier by remembering why you dumped him in the first place. If you truely loved him i don't think you would have dumped him for not walking you to the bus or just because your parent's "didn't like him".

Sleepy

Bang on the money Fitz.

PandeB

I think you are all being a little harsh here. People make mistakes and when you are in a relationship its little things like walking to the bus that matter sometimes. I
ts hard to see the big picture when you are so close to things, so when you stand back and look at it from a different angle you realise that maybe the things you thought were important arent. Breaking up is hard no matter what the circumstances are.
Also seeing your ex with someone else even if you dont still love them is difficult and if there are still feelings there its even worse.
Did you talk these things through with your boyfriend before you broke up?? If not maybe you could meet up with him for coffee and explain exactly how you felt in the relationship. There was obviously a communication problem which always leads to disaster.
If you had told him all this and he still continued to be tight and toughtless then you should let him go and someday when you meet a guy who is willing to treat you the way you deserve, you will realise that he wasnt even worth your tears.

AngryBadger

Maybe you were right to break up with him, maybe he moved on very quickly because he didn't have the same strong feelings for you, maybe that WAS the reason he was tight, thoughtless, and bad at communicating. Maybe what's really upsetting you is that you dumped this guy you thought was bad for you, and now a few months on he seems to have found some, and you haven't, kinda seems like thge universe is laying the old mind whammy on you. Which I can understand, and sympathise with

hrmmm....I can understand why the niggling little issues you listed would be irritating as hell, but ehy hardly seem like grounds for breaking up with someone. Admittedly it's kind of a reflex for me that when I'm dating someone I make efforts at communication, being thoughtful, and all that jazz. But I also totally understand being on the other side of the fence, as regards money, well as a postgrad I don't get paid a particularly large amount of money, so it's always an issue, and communication....well what're we talking about here?

In any case, unless you're prepared to say it to him, let it go, that train has sailed.

LegacyUser

I did try and talk to him several times - but when I told him what the problems were on my side he did not try and change or meet me half way...we connected on the inner level at first but both of us were scared of loosing what we had so we put up our defenses. I did not mind the money issue, I just needed to know about it. It was complicated by the fact that I had just left a long term relationship and was still in contact with my ex (I ended up renting a room from my ex) and did not tell him at first. He was willing to give extra commitment (we were considering getting married) but he left it too long. I did really love him - I handled it badly. Yes, he was cold in a lot of ways, but I think that it was him being defensive.

Beruthiel

did you tell him this?

PandeB

I think if you had told him and he made no effort then there was really only one answer.
You said he was being defensive but what had he to be defensive about. He was obviously not the type of guy who could be open and honest with you and if he was completely comfortable in the relationship, then he would have been.
I really think at this stage you are better off. It may not feel like it now but in time you will see. MAybe give him some space, see how things go. He has your number if he needs to talk and if he doesnt then you need to get on with your life.

The Sweeper

HeartBroken wrote:

It was complicated by the fact that I had just left a long term relationship and was still in contact with my ex...

HeartBroken wrote:

He was willing to give extra commitment (we were considering getting married) but he left it too long.

You were just out of a long term relationship and now you were considering getting married? Can you spell
R-E-B-O-U-N-D anyone?

I reckon it's a long, long time since you've been on your own. I reckon you're the sort of person who goes from relationship to relationship, long or short term, because you don't like having only yourself to rely on. Give yourself a break woman!! You wont die of loneliness if you take a year out to get to know yourself again! You didn't love that bloke you split with, you're just miserable because you're on your own.

You probably have a carpet-bagful of issues that you're dragging about from relationship to relationship with you. If you take a breather, you'll have a chance to get over some of them, and learn what is is you really want in a relationship. Then no more fretting about lack of the little things because you'll be more choosy next time.

Typedef

How dare he have a life after *you* dumped him.

Didn't you send out telepathic waves when you were dreaming of him?

Didn't he know you didn't mean it and he was supposed come a serenade you under your bedroom window.... preferably with a hundred quid or so tucked between his teeth?

*sigh*

Typedef

Minesajackdaniels wrote:

I reckon it's a long, long time since you've been on your own. I reckon you're the sort of person who goes from relationship to relationship, long or short term, because you don't like having only yourself to rely on. Give yourself a break woman!! You wont die of loneliness if you take a year out to get to know yourself again! You didn't love that bloke you split with, you're just miserable because you're on your own.

You probably have a carpet-bagful of issues that you're dragging about from relationship to relationship with you. If you take a breather, you'll have a chance to get over some of them, and learn what is is you really want in a relationship. Then no more fretting about lack of the little things because you'll be more choosy next time.

How do you know all my ex-girlfriends so intimately?


_It's a conspiracy_.

Typedef

HeartBroken wrote:

I did try and talk to him several times - but when I told him what the problems were on my side he did not try and change or meet me half way...we connected on the inner level at first but both of us were scared of loosing what we had so we put up our defenses. I did not mind the money issue, I just needed to know about it. It was complicated by the fact that I had just left a long term relationship and was still in contact with my ex (I ended up renting a room from my ex) and did not tell him at first. He was willing to give extra commitment (we were considering getting married) but he left it too long. I did really love him - I handled it badly. Yes, he was cold in a lot of ways, but I think that it was him being defensive.

This sounds suspicously like a discussion that happened a while back.

If this is a follow up. I think it's good you decided not go get with your ex, and while you may have had 'ideas' about the ... rebound guy... I agree with Majd, he was probably a rebound guy.

I also would advise not seeing anybody for quite some time.

Now *don't* do that al-la Typedef and take a 6 year... sebattical, from having a relationship.... but, you know, this being the 90s, you do need to get happy being yourself and happy in your life on your own.

That way, whether you have a partner or not is irrelevant, since you have made 'yourself' happy.

The horrible lesson about other people, is that depending on *them* to fulfill you somehow and make you happy, is like inviting someone to let you down and make you feel like sh_it.

I'll not lie to you and tell you that suddenly when you get happy being 'yourself' that being lonely is a particularly easy thing, but, filling your life with another person, puts your ability to have happiness in your life in *somebody else's* control.

Perhaps that's a little bit too ... err radical a proposition for you, but, I do think you need to become comfortable being your own person and not to be reliant on anybody as generally speaking other people are unreliable.

LegacyUser

Well picked up Typedef.

Nope - this guy was not a rebound though as the last relationship that I had been in died a long time ago...

Be by myself - I did that for a while and the relationship that I was in with this guy was one where I had to look after myself as he was not going to, which was one of the great things at first. After what I have been through I do not want to rely on anyone again - I learnt that the hard way - the problem is that by not letting anyone in am I not avoiding love also? You have to give to recieve love.

Typedef

I'd love to tell you I believe in love, but, quite simply ... I don't.

Personally, when I think about making a serious effort to get a girlfriend... I think about doing that in two years or so and 'perhaps' maybe, if the right girl comes along between now and then... all well and good, but, I'm not in 'making an effort to get a girl mode'... and for me, that serves a few points which I'll list now for bervity.

A: Lets me focus on being true to my nerdy self.

B: Gives me the time to do that.

C: Lets me look back on my mid twenties in thirty years time and 'whatever' happens, I least I tried to give it everything, regardless of the level of success (which I obviously achieved).

Keeps me away from
Case 1: Pretending to love some girl (to one level or other) for sex.
Case 2: Loving some girl and getting treated like a doormat.

To be honest, I just don't see the relevance of romance... except as some sort of chemical illusion to facilitate procreation.

In that context, would it not make more sense to just _donate sperm_ and be done with it?

I think what you need to ask yourself is "What do I really want".
Decide on what that is and then relentlessly persue that thing, until you get it, or you end up dead.

Have you ever seen the movie Gatacca?

Think Gatacca. You want something badly enough, then you need to take control of that thing 'whatever it is' and ensure you make it happen.

Where all this fails is when you factor in 'other' people who have free will, in a career environment, at least, 'almost in totality', you control your success, through hard work... in a personal relationship.. no matter how, honest, pure or hard working you are towards your goals... someone else can just sh_it on you.

From where I sit, that's the sort of deal, I'll not be making in a hurry. Perhaps if the girl in question offered me ... I dunno... an organ.. or a small sum of money as insurance.....

Typedef

It was complicated by the fact that I had just left a long term relationship and was still in contact with my ex (I ended up renting a room from my ex) and did not tell him at first. He was willing to give extra commitment (we were considering getting married) but he left it too long. I did really love him - I handled it badly. Yes, he was cold in a lot of ways, but I think that it was him being defensive.

Could have, would have, should have ... didn't.

It doesn't matter what random wisdom you have decided with hindsight motivated him. The fact is, he dropped the ball and you went your seperate ways... because 'at the time' that seemed like the right thing to do.

You shouldn't lament the past

Devil's dictionary wrote:

FUTURE, n.
That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true and our happiness is assured.

PAST, n.
That part of Eternity with some small fraction of which we have a slight and regrettable acquaintance. A moving line called the Present parts it from an imaginary period known as the Future. These two grand divisions of Eternity, of which the one is continually effacing the other, are entirely unlike. The one is dark with sorrow and disappointment, the other bright with prosperity and joy. The Past is the region of sobs, the Future is the realm of song. In the one crouches Memory, clad in sackcloth and ashes, mumbling penitential prayer; in the sunshine of the other Hope flies with a free wing, beckoning to temples of success and bowers of ease. Yet the Past is the Future of yesterday, the Future is the Past of to-morrow. They are one -- the knowledge and the dream.

Forget about the past in the pretext of the future. The guy dropped the ball... from where you sit and inventing excuses for the lack of 'whatever' happening simply puts you in a position where you don't move on from him.

It may seem crass, but, brooding over him will most likely just lead you to ring/text/get back with him and then later regret it.

I do this all the time with ex-girlfriends... and I get a notion that I should call/write to them because "they weren't so bad really... and If only I'd 'blah blah blah'"... the thing is, when you see them again.. you realise why it is you broke up with them to begin with... then you wonder what the hell it is you're doing there anyway.

Find someone else... but, before you do that... get comfortable with being single for a bit...

You never know.. you might like it.

Saint

Sounds to me like Mr. detached was exactly what you where looking for. It was sensible to go for someone like that, because you wouldn't get your heartbroken. Doesn't seem to have worked out to well for you now has it

Silent Grape

oh lord, girl, you need time to yourself. i am very well aware of the panic that comes when you've 'realised' you loved the person.

stand by your actions at the time. you did what you thought was the right thing to do, it was not necessarily a mistake. the relationship was only a few months long, you cannot possibly 'love' someone in that length of time.

i catch myself thinking about my ex with rose tinited glasses, then reminding myself why i broke up with him, to get my idependance back, to get my self esteem back up, yadda yadda yadda.

yeh, i presumed that eventually we'd end up getting back together, because i only needed a few months to sort my head out,and i am still in love with him, but he doesnt want to ever get back together.

such is life. move on, get over it, and stop wasting the good time you could be having by thinking about it. the quicker you force yourself to get over it, the quicker your life becomes fun again.

if in a months time, you are still pining after him, meet up with him, tell him exactly how you are feeling without sounding needy, finish off with telling him 'i just wanted to let you know how i feel', so the ball is in his court.

But for now, invest in yourself, get to know yourself again. its hard, but your next relationship will benefit from it .

sceptre

HeartBroken wrote:

Be by myself - I did that for a while and the relationship that I was in with this guy was one where I had to look after myself as he was not going to

I may be misreading this but if you were "by yourself" but going out with someone loosely at the same time then you didn't meet any definition of "being by yourself". Try that.

You sure you still want this guy or are you suffering from a little bit of dog-in-the-manger syndrome?

Typedef

SG wrote:

if in a months time, you are still pining after him, meet up with him, tell him exactly how you are feeling without sounding needy, finish off with telling him 'i just wanted to let you know how i feel', so the ball is in his court.

I wouldn't do that. It's quite likely you'd be rejected.

Moreover, I don't think that men and women who had a long non-contact 'break' can really ever go back to being 'friends'. The old dynamic of man-woman and the breakdown of that dynamic completely abrogates any possibility of a future relationship, in anything other then a frivolous sense.

LegacyUser

Err, I did the bad thing and I mailed and texted...and no, I was not drunk - my curiosity got the better of me - plus, I was still getting very moapy about him and I hate not being in control of how I feel. Being in contact reminded me of why I left him, though there was probably more contact now than when we were dating...he signed the text "love" which is a bit freaky but in a nice way. I know that I need more time to deal with this but at the moment I am not sure that it is over - I am sure that I love him. Maybe i can be friends with him - I am friends with most of my ex's, though he was special as I really loved him (and yes, I am a geneticist amongst many things so I know that nature just wants us to procreate with someone with a sufficiently different immune system) but this was different as he was a friend before I dated him. I still do not know what to do - should I move on or should I try and get him back?

Sleepy

At the end of the day, nothing any of us advise you here is going to make that decision for you. Only you know if he's worth the effort. We're not mind readers so we can't tell you how he feels. So, if you want to risk it, say something. If not, don't. But either way, be prepared for his answer, however much you may not like it.

whosurpaddy

i think typedef needs to expand his advice, specifically for the female posters. my suggestion would be go to the next boards beer and take out your frustrations on the most nerdy guy you can find.

_Kaiser_

Originally posted by SG
i catch myself thinking about my ex with rose tinited glasses, then reminding myself why i broke up with him, to get my idependance back, to get my self esteem back up, yadda yadda yadda.

yeh, i presumed that eventually we'd end up getting back together, because i only needed a few months to sort my head out,and i am still in love with him, but he doesnt want to ever get back together.

Without dragging the thread off topic too much, I have to say - what did you expect?

You broke up with him (admittedly for legitimate reasons from what you said), but yet you expected him to wait around on the off chance that after you "sorted your head out" you might get back together??

I'm sorry but I think that's unfair - on you AND the guy in question - if you were "having some space for a while" that could be different but personally I think a break up is (generally) final.

Just my opinion mind - no insult intended - I think the best thing is to put it down to experience & (try to) move on in a case like this.

Typedef

As a geneticist, it should be fairly strightforward for you to knock together a reterovirus or a phage, which would turn on whatever dopamine receptiors are responsible for love_chemical(x) anyway.

Use the potion on the first Brad Pitt type you find.

Problem solved.

Failing that, I'm an Embedded Software Engineer (read computer nerd) and subject to posting measurements/pictures I could be pursuaded to date a chick with good genes.

Gettit[1]?

*sigh*.

[1] It's like a triple entendre .. if you think about it, you know geneticist, genes, on the legs... or in the cells...

bah

---

No but, seriously, what were we talking about?

Ah yes... texting the old flame.

I've never had a good experience with that... which doesn't necessarily mean that it's a logically unsound proposition... just that, my experience to date, has never been good.

Perhaps you do still love the ... err... rebound guy and maybe you 'should' try to get back with him... or you know 'test it out' .. espeically if you feel like you need some closure.

Either you get closure or it all works out.

However, my opinion would be that, when it's supposed to 'work out' .... generally, it would have worked the first time.... and as much as one may try to reconstruct a relationship in a failure state... eventually, you have to query the rationale for that.

What _is_ your rationale for it.

A: You genuinely love him or.

B: You want to be in love with a man?

I'm fairly sure, it's more B then A, but, that per-se is not necessarily wrong. Perhaps it's just _time_ for you to find a husband, and, if that is the case, then, maybe it would be fool hardy to wait for a cartoon Brad Pitt to come hammering down your door... and the ... 'right' choice for you to make is to go with the man that you have the 'least' issues with.

But, not being you, and having no grasp of the dynamics that exist in your current relationships, there is no way, interweb people can give an objective opinion.

My opinion is that, when it's over, it's over... and being frivolous friends is _nice_, but, generally shouldn't be confused with nor predicated to relationship mode again, because the relationship collapsed for a reason... and 'cooling off time' doesn't make those reasons go away.

BEAT

Typedef wrote:

I'd love to tell you I believe in love, but, quite simply ... I don't.

Personally, when I think about making a serious effort to get a girlfriend... I think about doing that in two years or so and 'perhaps' maybe, if the right girl comes along between now and then... all well and good, but, I'm not in 'making an effort to get a girl mode'... and for me, that serves a few points which I'll list now for bervity.

A: Lets me focus on being true to my nerdy self.

B: Gives me the time to do that.

C: Lets me look back on my mid twenties in thirty years time and 'whatever' happens, I least I tried to give it everything, regardless of the level of success (which I obviously achieved).

Keeps me away from
Case 1: Pretending to love some girl (to one level or other) for sex.
Case 2: Loving some girl and getting treated like a doormat.

To be honest, I just don't see the relevance of romance... except as some sort of chemical illusion to facilitate procreation.

In that context, would it not make more sense to just _donate sperm_ and be done with it?

I think what you need to ask yourself is "What do I really want".
Decide on what that is and then relentlessly persue that thing, until you get it, or you end up dead.

Have you ever seen the movie Gatacca?

Think Gatacca. You want something badly enough, then you need to take control of that thing 'whatever it is' and ensure you make it happen.

Where all this fails is when you factor in 'other' people who have free will, in a career environment, at least, 'almost in totality', you control your success, through hard work... in a personal relationship.. no matter how, honest, pure or hard working you are towards your goals... someone else can just sh_it on you.

From where I sit, that's the sort of deal, I'll not be making in a hurry. Perhaps if the girl in question offered me ... I dunno... an organ.. or a small sum of money as insurance.....

OMFG!!!
holycrap typedef, I thought I was listening to my dad when I read this, I mean he has said just about everything you have said in this post when it comes to relationships to explain why he is single and hopes to remain that way.
My dad and mom divorced when I was 11 so...16 years ago. He hasnt been in a relationship since...he did date a lady and she got pregnant but that ended and my dad ending up raising my sister as the woman was nuts but other than that he has been alone with his computers and writing..he is a writer.

I dunno typedef, I think he would be happier if he gave into his emotions and let himself fall in love and be happy even if for awhile, if it ends so be it. at least you lived for awhile...this advice I would offer to you as well since you seem to have his same views

sorry went off topic there,
original poster...move on there are plenty of fish in the sea.

LegacyUser

Typedef wrote:

Perhaps you do still love the ... err... rebound guy and maybe you 'should' try to get back with him... or you know 'test it out' .. espeically if you feel like you need some closure.

Either you get closure or it all works out.

However, my opinion would be that, when it's supposed to 'work out' .... generally, it would have worked the first time.... and as much as one may try to reconstruct a relationship in a failure state... eventually, you have to query the rationale for that.

What _is_ your rationale for it.

A: You genuinely love him or.

B: You want to be in love with a man?

I'm fairly sure, it's more B then A, but, that per-se is not necessarily wrong. Perhaps it's just _time_ for you to find a husband, and, if that is the case, then, maybe it would be fool hardy to wait for a cartoon Brad Pitt to come hammering down your door... and the ... 'right' choice for you to make is to go with the man that you have the 'least' issues with.

But, not being you, and having no grasp of the dynamics that exist in your current relationships, there is no way, interweb people can give an objective opinion.

My opinion is that, when it's over, it's over... and being frivolous friends is _nice_, but, generally shouldn't be confused with nor predicated to relationship mode again, because the relationship collapsed for a reason... and 'cooling off time' doesn't make those reasons go away.

I'm a nerd too...but seriously...

I do think that I love rebound - it was chemistry more than friendship but there was both...in terms of settling down, rebound is bit younger than me, so he would not want to settle down for 2 years,even if he did propose...I have not stopped thinking about him through all the time that the relationship was in limbo and whenever I was with him was special, which was why I tried to stop seeing him, but I still thought about him the whole time - I don't think that chemistry holds well with distance so there must have been more to it, he is still the first person I think about in the morning and the last person at night. I had problems with him, I still do - he did not give money to charity, he was bad on contact, he was insensitive, but I love him. I don't know if I can get back and being friends will hurt too much...both of us were scared that we would not be able to compromise to make a go of things, maybe time apart will let us know...

LegacyUser

I decided to ask him bluntly by mail...I don't like this pain...so now I wait for the mail...suggestions in the interim please...

Typedef

I'd don't mean to be unusually crude <*ahem*>, but, if perhaps you orchestrated a, situation where it would be quite likely for you two, to, for example fall passionately into each others arms and have a night of passion.

Given the history and emotion involved (allegedly from both sides), I'd say that by morning it would be a fait a complete.

Might I suggest seduction ?

Him otherwise if not.

_grin_

LegacyUser

Didn't get any response to the mail - will leave him be, in the end I made the mistake of leaving him so it is my fault...I didn't even have the guts to see him as I knew that the cycle would continue. I let it fester by trying to tell him by mail but when I realised that I had made a HUGE mistake it was too late. I got the karma that I deserve from this and learnt a very painful lesson. Anyone reading this - just don't make the same mistake - if you really love someone don't let them go even if it seems to be the more difficult root - you know when you have met one of the potential "one"s.