I'm not allowed to see my 5 month old son !!!

LegacyUser

I'm 25 and my partner (I think ???) is 27...

I haven't seen my son in two weeks ...

She won't let me see my own son, I text her 3 times today... The first was @ about 11am "Can I see ****** today ?" her reply was "Were going out today i will let you know.." I replied "Thanks" ...

My second text was @ about 4:20pm "Well what's the story ?" she didn't reply !!!

I text her again 15 min's later "****** can I see ****** today ?" she didn't reply...

So I rang her from a work number (that wouldn't know) and she said "I didn't hear my phone beeping" I said "Ok, but you heard it ringing" she said "Whatever" !!!

I know this story is very he said she said - But I just so upset I don't know what to do !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was that upset I walked out of my job a half an hour early, without saying anything to anyone !!!!

Please advice me........

I'm taking the day off work tommorrow and so is my mother and we are going to see a councilor/social worker type person........!


As I don't what else to do ??????? - I've tried to be nice but as usual it get me nowhere !!!!

Any questions are welcome !!!

Thank you - And all advice is very welcome.......... http://tsukinoryuu.ginzuishou.net/emoticons/icon_crying.gif

billy the squid

You need to apply for an access order through the courts. she may sue you for maintainance in retaliation.

best to get incontact with the court clerk at your local district court.

Hope this works out for you.

cormie

Tell her to cease her selfish antics and do what's best for the child. It is best for the child to see the father unless the father is incompetant of minding the child. You need to see the child and it's in the childs best interest to see you. Explain this to her and hopefully she will understand. And don't spend the rest of your lives arguing, especially in front of the child. Responses like "whatever" will not solve anything.

Elessar

This is the one reason I will probably NEVER have children. Some women are unpredictable. As soon as the baby comes, they seem to think "I have you now we dont need him" and they dont let the kid see his/her father at all. I know it's more complicated than that and not every female-partner does it, but I have seen this far too often in my life. I even heard how one woman told her partner "You're just the father, you have no rights to the child".
[/rant]

I would suggest that you get your partner on her own, go for a coffee or whatever and tell her straight out whats on your mind. Don't let her change or wander off the topic. You have a right, an obligation, to raise your child. And your child needs a father. Period.

I read an article a few years back that stateed 60% of men feel "left out/abandoned/forgotten" when the baby is born. However I think it is a natural thing for the first few month's of the baby's life, life usually goes back to normal after that. Well, in cases involving marriage that is.

Beruthiel

First off I am presuming that some where along the way ye had a big falling out and so now she is getting back at you?
At any time along the way did ye sit down and discuss the future regarding your son? If not, I think your first course of action is to try and get her on neutral ground and try to have a civilised conversation with her. Do not loose your temper at any stage, be calm and logical, ask her if she thinks it is in your sons best interest that he does not see his father. Ask her if she thinks it will help his mental health to know you as he grows up. Tell her that no matter what yer differences are ye should try and not let it effect your son.
Offer maintenance if you haven’t already. Try to do this before you go to a solicitor.
best of luck
a

climaxer

Hi no wonder you are so upset not being able to see your own flesh and blood. It must be heartbreaking. You need to have a serious one on one talk with the Mother of your child and give her an ultimatum - tell her she either cops on and let you see your son regularly or else it will have to be done through the court. If you need more information on maintenance and access try Rollercoaster.ie which has some excellent forums and there is one called "Just for Dads" where you would get some very good advice and support. Another site is Solo.ie. I don't know the full circumstances so can't comment on why your ex is behaving like this. I have split with my son's Dad a few months ago and even though we are both heartbroken it didn't work out and quite angry too and would find it easier not to see each other we are both mature enough to put our son's needs before our own feelings. Hope you get it sorted soon and please try the above sites because you will get some great advice and support there.

Sleepy

Try to organise a couple of set days a week to see your son. Maybe work can help facilitate this through flexitime etc. Routine is good for children and it'll make it easier for yourself and your ex(?) to deal with once you've agreed on the times.

Don't be in a rush to go to court over this, men have almost no paternity rights in Irish courts. Your child's mother is probably aware of this so to all intents and purposes she is the law in this situation.

Now, this might seem evil, but my suggestion would be to only hand over maintenance after you've spent time with your son. Let's say you take him out for the day, over to see his grandparents/whatever. Give his mother maintenance when you're returning him to her care. Don't hand over maintenance in any other fashion. It'll help you to take some of the power back in this power-play (and don't let anyone tell you otherwise: that's what she's playing at) and because you have been paying maintenance, she hasn't a leg to stand on if she tried to take you to court for non-payment. You've been denied access to your child, you haven't seen her to give her the maintenance.

Oh, and make sure you pay all maintenance with cheques (that way you've a record of payment in case it does get messy and go to court).

MadsL

A few comments from my experience...(Going round waving a court order is not the first step. )

I would advise talking to her first. Make a time and a date and try to as calmly and unemotionally as possible listen to what is going on. It is probably a lot to do with how she is feeling about your relationship. You seem uncertain as what that is, so you both need to sort that out. It may be that she doesn't want to see you, even though she knows that you should see your son.

Be patient, you will not get this all resolved in one conversation. It may take ten years before you iron out all the little (and big things!) that will cause you pain, arguments and resentment and that's before you factor in grandparents meddling and new partners arriving on the scene. Separated parenting is just as nuts as ordinary parenting, just with more insanity, guilt, frustration and all-round complexity. Think about if you can handle it, if you think you can then think if you can handle it somemore. Get a Therapist/ Counciller/ Support Group thing going on. Better to scream at them than have a massive row with your ex in front of your son (and his toddler groups parents). Keep a diary. Take up art. Boxing. Anything that will help you understand and control your feelings (you will have lots of them!) Think about your job and whether you would be prepared to go part-time to look after you son in a joint-custody arrangement, or is it better to contribute to child-care so that you both can work. (Make sure if you have separated that you are claiming single parent tax allowance - yep, you are a single parent too..)

First of all talk to her about the role that you want to play in your son's life, what he means to you, what the two of you will do together, how important it is for sons to have contact with their fathers. You know...

Then tallk about co-parenting (google for the term - v.useful) how as much as possible you want to be a parent and not just a McDonalds dad, how you also feel that it is important that as your son grows older that he spends time in your care too...loads of studies done on this too.

Then talk about the legal aspects, how you would like to be the legal guardian as well, and how you will work out the maintance and who pays for what...(if by some miracle you agree 50/50 custody - then no-one pays maintainance, or some small amount to compensate different earning levels)

If either of you find it hard to talk, these guys offer a free mediation service to help you work things out and draw up an parenting agreement ...http://www.oasis.gov.ie/relationships/separation_divorce/family_mediation_service.html

It is not going to be easy, but it can be a nightmare if it all gets really confrontational, take it easy and slow and it may work out well. I wish you well and hope that you get to be a huge part of your son's life - Good Luck!

climaxer

Hi me again - I've just been looking at Rollercoaster.ie and realised the Just for Dad forum is quite quiet and there is quite a few forums to choose from. The "Separation/Divorce" has a lot of info re access and maintenance so its probably best to try there first.

I'll also second Sleepy and keep records of all payments and try avoid paying cash. Standing order or cheques would be best. Also keep receipts of all items you buy too even if its only €10 for nappies.

The girl is obviously very angry and bitter with you but its still not right to let her child suffer and not see his Dad. I've only met my "Dad" once in my life and it was too late to bond - I felt nothing which is sad really. Why don't you write her a letter - this may sound really naff but sometimes we don't listen and block people out but if you gave her a letter she could read over it again and again and eventually it might sink it. I really hope you get it sorted.

AngryBadger

some history might be a help, and probably a solicitor

Emboss

zzzzzzzzzzzzz solicitor

ThreadKiller

Stop using text for a start. You can hide your number from your phone or just call from a landline.

Best of luck.

Iago

i went through something very similar and it's heartbreaking, I won't go into details here, but my advice for what's it worth is to try and sit down with her and talk about this, at the end of the day whatever history you two have between you needs to be forgotten about and your son has to come first. My ex and I are only now getting back on speaking terms, where for years we were simply polite for our son's sake, at times it's still the same way, but we both realised that * had to come first and we had to show a united front when he was around at the least.

We talked it over and I offered to oay maintanence and we decided that I could see him for one day at the weekends, over the years this has grown to the entire weekend and now I can pretty much see him whenever I want. I know it's tough for you now but try and sort it out without involving the courts if you can, it'll be better for you all in the long run. Remember this is only a temporary thing, in a few years time he'll be aware enough to be looking for you anyway, so just make sure that you get to see him at least once a week for now and let things develop from there.

It does get better, and you have great times ahead of you so don't give up

LegacyUser

WOW !!!

I can't believe all the help you wonderful ppl have given me !!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well I took the advice of what most of you said

"I would advise talking to her first"

But I was to up-set and unsure what to say to her ???????

So last night about 2:45am I text her (I know) saying:

" ****** i'm sorry for texting you so late but i can't sleep...... I'm very up-set at the moment and i don't know how you are feeling ? So will you please let me know what is going on ... I got a letter off the doctor today for work, the doctor advised me to ring you and for us to meet on mutual ground and have a talk.... I was going to ring you earlier but i just keep crying.... I haven't seen ****** in 2 and a half weeks and i miss him very much, i have taking his picture off my pc screen as i get very up-set because i miss him... And i miss you too... Please don't do this to me xxx "

She replied this morning saying:

" Ok then I'll meet you after work at 6 "

I said:

" Great see you later "


So things where looking up UNTIL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

you won't believe it !

At about 1pm today a 04 truck crashed into the back of my car "twice" (C**T), my-self my mother & my sister where in the car.........not much damage.....but my sister was complianing with her back (GENUINELY) so she was taking to james'es......so it's looking like she might of just pulled a mussle in her back - Hopefully.........

ANYWAY - I'm meeting with the GF tomorrow to have a hart to hart !!!!

I'm feeling alot better now, i signed up for a course yesterday and I send off my CV to a BIG company today......

I plan to set-up my own shop in the new year - I'm sick working for ppl/companies who don't appreciate their staff...............

So I'm feeling good and I'm thinking positive !!! - THANKS TO ALL A YE !!!!!!!

Victor

V Upset Man wrote:

I'm 25 and my partner (I think ???) is 27...

Hmmm odd the way you use "partner". Is it partner, ex-partner or mother of your child?

Gordon

partner/gf

ferdi

thats heavy man, hope you get to see your kid....

"Just the two of us, we can make it if we try
Just the two of us, (Just the two of us)
Just the two of us, building castles in the sky
Just the two of us, you and I"

Flukey

We don't know the history, as you haven't given us much, but in any event the thing to do is try and sit down and discuss it and leave all outside parties (courts, solicitors etc.) as a last resort. Good luck with your meeting.

LegacyUser

She told me that I didn't have any rights as the father (and we all know thats not true) and that I can't see him................

Tried my best but she is just been a total b***h, she won't give an inch but would gladly take a mile...............

I'm going in to Dolphin House on Wednesday morning to get things moving

She told me that I didn't have any rights as the father (and we all know thats not true) and that I can't see him................

I'm sick of this 5h1te.... So I'm going to fight all the way for my son !

Thanks for your help !

Sleepy

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news but unfortunately she's pretty much right. The Irish legal system sees men as cash machines with no rights whatsoever.

The "being civil" route is much more successful than the legal one in this country thanks to an antiquated system. Maybe some form of mediation might help?

bus77

I would just keep on apearing at her door at unexpected times till she gets sick of it and wants to negotiate.

Sleepy

bus77 wrote:

I would just keep on apearing at her door at unexpected times till she gets sick of it and wants to negotiate.

Sounds like a one way road to a restraining order tbh.

Beruthiel

V Upset Man wrote:

She told me that I didn't have any rights as the father (and we all know thats not true) and that I can't see him................

did she give you a reason for not wanting you to see him?
is it just to get back at you or is it something else?
did you offer maintenance? I can't believe she would turn that down if you have

pickarooney

How long are you broken up, and why (if it's not too personal). Is she getting revenge on you at the expense of the child or does she genuinely not want the child to see you for some reason?

bus77

some women develop a "Me and my baby against the world" atitude. There's no talking to them at that stage. Ive seen it before. If your definatly going the court road just remember she will bring up anything she can to get the judge not to grant you access. And I meen everything.

Elessar

bus77 wrote:

some women develop a "Me and my baby against the world" atitude. There's no talking to them at that stage. Ive seen it before. If your definatly going the court road just remember she will bring up anything she can to get the judge not to grant you access. And I meen everything.

Too right. I've seen this too many times before. I can't believe there are women out there who will fake a whole relationship just to get pregnant - then tell the father they have no rights/get out of my life etc.

Happened to my cousin (well, nearly). He was going out with this girl for a while, they moved in to an apartment, while he was working (and she wasn't) she did absolutely NO housework, never lifted a finger in fact. Then she turned around to him and said she wanted a baby. My cousin copped on, told her to go f*ck herself, and ran a mile.

To the origional poster, your ex is talking absolute BULLS**T. Don't let her get away with this, your son needs his father. Going through the courts is messy and can make her even more resentful of you but if it's what has to be done, do it. I would suggest a solicitors letter to her stating your rights as a father, just so she's clear on that.

Big Ears

I would suggest keeping you're emotions intact , and especially don't show any anger(although im sure you're very angry) , especially in court .

Try to remain calm , and hopefully things will work out ok .

Also , if you do go to court : which is inevitable know , this may not sound nice but you're whole case could depend on the sex of the judge .