advice needed

noels little bu

Hi I am looking for some seriously needed advice. Right i will start at the begining. I have been with my partner for 6 years now. Before i met him i was in an abusive marriage and he came along and gave me the strength and courage to leave and start my life all over again. We have a very close bond but he has a drink problem. Dont get me wrong i would do anything for him and have tried everything i can to help him cut down on the drink. And in all fairness to him he has cut down.

The problem is i have a good friend and we are members of a club. We go to a meeting once a month and to various functions during the year. He always picks me up and leaves me home and has never made any solicited moves on me, that was until last night. We were in my local pub and my partner was there also. But everytime my patner turned his back, my friend told me that he has always liked me and wanted me.

I am so confused as i have thought in the past what it would be like if we did ever get together just for a night. I never in my wildest dreams believed that this would ever happen. Any way i put it down to drink and having a laugh on a good night out. So i rang him this morning to make sure he got home ok as he had a few drinks taken. I expected him to forget all he had said but he suprised me by saying that he meant every word he said.

So here i am now, I want to and i dont want to. I mean like i fancy him and all that but i love my partner and i cant help thinking about all we have been through together. But on the other hand i need this bit of excitment. I just dont want my friendship with my friend to die because we were silly enough to give into something which is probably nothing more than lust. What do i do???
PLease HELP me!!!!!!!

ravenhead

It's a bad idea to do anything about it ... you'd be better off putting your energy back into your relationship - & also do you want to loss a good friendship for the sake of one night of fun - things would never be the same again between you.

Beruthiel

what to do?
it's quite simple

if you love your partner and wish to stay with him then you keep your friend as a friend and you tell him so

if you wish to be with your friend then you finish with your partner before you start anything with your friend

you can't have your cake and eat it

Zulu

If you really do love your partner, stick with him. It appears that he needs your help now more than ever (ie: drink issues), and, in fairness, he was there for you.
On the other hand, if you no longer love him, end it, and then persue other courses.

I don't know either of you, but if your partner has a drink problem, and you betray his trust with another man - what do you think he'll do? Most probably hit the bottle hard. It would be a cruel blow. You owe him more.

Boston

Why on earth would you go looking for abite of excitement if you have something like that. I mean when you been through the **** with someone it means alot, it means they have seen you at your worst and best and love you and don't care. If you want to leave him because of the drink, then thats understandable, by all means it's your life. But don't use the drink as an excuse to mess around.

Also don't expect to get away with it, not really something you can hide from someone who knows you so well.

The Corinthian

Fidelity aside; if it was a tennis instructor or someone you could walk away from without any fallout, then that would one thing. But this friend would be far more difficult to deal with - for a start, you’re fond of him, which immediately clouds your judgement. Second of all, you know that any fling with him would quickly develop into something far more serious.

If you’re looking to have a fling, then have a fling, not an affair. That will end in tears. And, of course, do not shít where you eat.

noels little bu

you can't have your cake and eat it[/QUOTE]

I know what you mean but i am feeling so dammed mixed up and my feelings are all over the place. I am no beauty queen and havent got the figure that men want but up till now i have been happy being friends but now he has shown interest in me, i dont know how to respond.

I dont want to leave my partner but would it matter just to have one night?????

The Corinthian

noels little bu wrote:

I dont want to leave my partner but would it matter just to have one night?????

It's not going to be just one night with "a good friend". Never is.

Beruthiel

noels little bu wrote:

you can't have your cake and eat it

but now he has shown interest in me, i dont know how to respond[/QUOTE]

you're flattered then
so respond by saying thanks and leave it at that

I dont want to leave my partner but would it matter just to have one night?????

you really are kidding yourself here aren't you?
it would matter a great deal and you know it, everything will change including your relationship with both men.
I am inclined to think that things are not right with your partner if you are even contemplating this.
Either you sort your relationship with your partner or you cut him loose, but to mess with his head like this is so unfair and I don't believe you would like it done to yourself.
Nothing is straight forward in 'real life'
take off the rose tinted glasses and have a long hard look at what it is you really want.

noels little bu

That is what i am afraid of. Partly because of what all this could uncover, like how will we both feel if anything did happen and because i value his friendship alot. He has never ever said antthing like this before to me. Infact i never realised that he even thought liike that. Going out with him was like going out with one of my girl friends.

I wish i believed that i could just say no but i feel that i will respond if he makes a move again.

ferdi

if u dump your partner you know very well there is a very good chance he will hit the bottle big time if he has a drink problem so if you actually care about your partner you'll tell this friend of yours to **** off.

also if this 'friend' of yours knows your and your partners situation then he is an asshole not worth wasting you time over.

ravenhead

Beruthiel wrote:

but now he has shown interest in me, i dont know how to respond

you're flattered then
so respond by saying thanks and leave it at that

I dont want to leave my partner but would it matter just to have one night?????

you really are kidding yourself here aren't you?
it would matter a great deal and you know it, everything will change including your relationship with both men.
I am inclined to think that things are not right with your partner if you are even contemplating this.
Either you sort your relationship with your partner or you cut him loose, but to mess with his head like this is so unfair and I don't believe you would like it done to yourself.
Nothing is straight forward in 'real life'
take off the rose tinted glasses and have a long hard look at what it is you really want.[/QUOTE]


I have to agree with you on this one - it's obvious that you're going to do this anyway, I mean if you were just confused you wouldn't have come out with the 'does one night matter' statement .. of course it does & you know that already without us telling you.

Zulu

noels little bu wrote:

I dont want to leave my partner but would it matter just to have one night?????

Are you serious? I've lost all sympathy for you I'm sorry to say.
When you were down, and he was looking after you, would "just one night" with another woman have mattered to you?
If he had "just one night" with another woman last month, would it have mattered to you?

By-the-by, do you mind me asking how old you are?

noels little bu

you really are kidding yourself here aren't you?
it would matter a great deal and you know it, everything will change including your relationship with both men.
I am inclined to think that things are not right with your partner if you are even contemplating this.
Either you sort your relationship with your partner or you cut him loose, but to mess with his head like this is so unfair and I don't believe you would like it done to yourself.
Nothing is straight forward in 'real life'
take off the rose tinted glasses and have a long hard look at what it is you really want.[/QUOTE]



everything with my partner is fine but sometimes i just want a little bit more out of life. Its hard living with someone that drinks but i have stood by him and have always tried to help him no matter what. And like i said earlier he has cut down but i feel a little drained and need some attention for me. My partner and i are very close and he helped me through one of the worst times of my life and i love him dearly for that. I dont know maybe i am just being selfish!!!!!!

ravenhead

ferdi wrote:

if u dump your partner you know very well there is a very good chance he will hit the bottle big time if he has a drink problem so if you actually care about your partner you'll tell this friend of yours to **** off.

also if this 'friend' of yours knows your and your partners situation then he is an asshole not worth wasting you time over.

Yeah but is staying with her partner out of a feeling of pitty really any good to either of them - isnt it going to stop them both from being really happy?

noels little bu

Zulu wrote:

Are you serious? I've lost all sympathy for you I'm sorry to say.
When you were down, and he was looking after you, would "just one night" with another woman have mattered to you?
If he had "just one night" with another woman last month, would it have mattered to you?

By-the-by, do you mind me asking how old you are?

Yes it would have mattered to me as i depended on him a great deal for a long time. but i am finally starting to rely on myself again for the first time in years. I love him and dont want to hurt him but i am so messed up at the moment. I am 30.

KT1

It sounds to me that you are confusing things for yourself here but that you want things to be confused. Are you with your current partner because you feel you owe him something? Or out of sympathy because of his drink problem? Do you fear him? Are you lonely hence needing this extra excitement? You need to ask why you feel you need this extra excitement. Are things stale with your partner? If so, you should try to focus your feelings on what to do about your partner and tell your friend at the moment you certainly can't get involved as you have too many issues to sort with your partner. Maybe when you have resolved those feelings you can move onto another relationship? KT

ravenhead

[/QUOTE]everything with my partner is fine but sometimes i just want a little bit more out of life. Its hard living with someone that drinks but i have stood by him and have always tried to help him no matter what. And like i said earlier he has cut down but i feel a little drained and need some attention for me. My partner and i are very close and he helped me through one of the worst times of my life and i love him dearly for that. I dont know maybe i am just being selfish!!!!!![/QUOTE]

i think you've answered your own questions here - you're really not happy with your partner - otherwise you wouldn't keep using his drinking as an excuse for you to feel that it's alright to sleep with your friend ... you really only have 2 options here - 1)break up with your partner because you're not getting what you want from the relationship or 2)put the energy into your relationship that it deserves - I mean you say that you're very close to your partner - well if that's the case whay haven't you told him how you're feeling - that you need a bit of love & attention???????? Seem to me that you don't want to put in the work

delly

I'm just wondering if you mention the drink problem as an excuse or a possible justification for having an affair with your friend.

I'm not saying that you'd be right or wrong to think that way, but what is its relevence to the current situation. Its kind of a different problem.

noels little bu

KT1 wrote:

It sounds to me that you are confusing things for yourself here but that you want things to be confused. Are you with your current partner because you feel you owe him something? Or out of sympathy because of his drink problem? Do you fear him? Are you lonely hence needing this extra excitement? You need to ask why you feel you need this extra excitement. Are things stale with your partner? If so, you should try to focus your feelings on what to do about your partner and tell your friend at the moment you certainly can't get involved as you have too many issues to sort with your partner. Maybe when you have resolved those feelings you can move onto another relationship? KT

I think maybe you are right. i think i have a very low self esteem and no i am not feeling sorry for myself but i think now that i am trying to get my life on track, old memories and tramas are coming to surface and i guess i need to deal with them now.

Like i said i love my partner and i am not with him because he helped me and that i have helped him. Nobody know that he has a drink problem, He has hidden it very well. And i think the strain of keping it to my self is starting to kick in also.

ravenhead

noels little bu wrote:

I think maybe you are right. i think i have a very low self esteem and no i am not feeling sorry for myself but i think now that i am trying to get my life on track, old memories and tramas are coming to surface and i guess i need to deal with them now.

Like i said i love my partner and i am not with him because he helped me and that i have helped him. Nobody know that he has a drink problem, He has hidden it very well. And i think the strain of keping it to my self is starting to kick in also.

Well if this is the case - wouldn't you be better off trying to get yourself sorted out first before involving anyone else in your life?

Beruthiel

everything with my partner is fine

are you not lying to yourself here? if it was as fine as you say, you wouldn't be looking for excitement elsewhere

but sometimes i just want a little bit more out of life. Its hard living with someone that drinks but i have stood by him and have always tried to help him no matter what. And like i said earlier he has cut down but i feel a little drained and need some attention for me. My partner and i are very close and he helped me through one of the worst times of my life and i love him dearly for that. I dont know maybe i am just being selfish!!!!!!

yes you are being selfish
you do not stay with a man 'cos you feel pity for him'
so, he has a drink problem, that doesn't mean you owe him, even if he did help you out before -
what you do 'owe' him though, is some respect, and carrying on behind his back is not treating him like he deserves to be treated.
as I said before
get your own head sorted out first as to what it is that you truly need - I don't for one minute believe you have given yourself a long had look at all, you're well old enough to be honest with yourself, you do not stay with someone because it's better than nothing or because you'd feel lonely.

KT1

all throughout this conversation thread you seem more asking for help about you and your partner. If you are 30 then you should know that one night of sex does not fulfill these kind of emotional needs you have at the moment. Have you considered suggesting to your partner that you both go and see someone together? He re his drinking and why he is drinking and you re your past traumas and therefore your insecurity issues? KT

Zulu

noels little bu wrote:

everything with my partner is fine but sometimes i just want a little bit more out of life. Its hard living with someone that drinks but i have stood by him and have always tried to help him no matter what. And like i said earlier he has cut down but i feel a little drained and need some attention for me. My partner and i are very close and he helped me through one of the worst times of my life and i love him dearly for that. I dont know maybe i am just being selfish!!!!!!

You keep saying you love him, so love him, don't betray him. Relationships aren't easy, they need work. To be bruatily honest, you are being selfish.

noels little bu wrote:

Like i said i love my partner and i am not with him because he helped me and that i have helped him. Nobody know that he has a drink problem, He has hidden it very well. And i think the strain of keping it to my self is starting to kick in also.

So talk to him, sort it all out. It requires work, but like anything else, the more you put in the more you get back out. But don't go off and do the dirt, what will that achieve? You'll feel good for a night - maybe, and then guilty afterwards. If he finds out it'll destroy him. Do you want to put him at that risk?

...and as for this other guy, he's hitting on you when your partners back is turned, sounds like a stand up guy.

da_deadman

And yes, I think that one night would matter, a lot. An affair is an affair, the length is not as important as actually having the affair.
I think that if you want to stay with your partner then dont have an affair, if you want to leave your partner then tell him before having a fling with your friend. Honesty is always going to be the best option.

noels little bu

yes you are being selfish
you do not stay with a man 'cos you feel pity for him'
so, he has a drink problem, that doesn't mean you owe him, even if he did help you out before -
what you do 'owe' him though, is some respect, and carrying on behind his back is not treating him like he deserves to be treated.
as I said before
get your own head sorted out first as to what it is that you truly need - I don't for one minute believe you have give yourself a long had look at all, you're well old enough to be honest with yourself, you do not stay with someone because it's better than nothing or because you'd feel lonely.[/QUOTE]

I am not with my partner becaus i feel pity for him. He is a good knid decent man and i dont deserve to have him with the way i am feeling right now. but i cant help the way i feel. I always fancied my friend but never imagined that it would come to anything, and maybe it wont but i dont know what way i will react if he tries it on again when we go to the club on thursday. the way i am feeling right now is that i dont trust myself to say no. And i feel pretty ashamed of myself for saying that, But that is the way i feel.

Sleepy

So, throw a little spice into your relationship with your partner. Go mad on a trip to Ann Summers or something. Right now your friend is just a fantasy, the reality will no doubt be a horrible dissapointment, you'll feel ****ty for what you've done to your partner and no good can come of it at all. Rent out or read "High Fidelity" and you'll have a good idea of what I mean about the fantasy bit.

And if you want to make sure nothing happens with the friends, wear your worst granny knickers and don't shave your legs the next night you go to the club!

The Corinthian

noels little bu wrote:

Yes it would have mattered to me as i depended on him a great deal for a long time. but i am finally starting to rely on myself again for the first time in years. I love him and dont want to hurt him but i am so messed up at the moment. I am 30.

Translation: “I needed him for a while after my previous relationship, but I’ve gotten my act together now. I’m fond of the old lush, but I reckon it’s time for me to trade up. I need to settle down before I get any older.”

You gotta love these passive aggressive types...

ravenhead

If you don't trust yourself to say no to him at the club on thursday then just don't go!!!

michaelanthony

Beruthiel wrote:

what to do?
it's quite simple

if you love your partner and wish to stay with him then you keep your friend as a friend and you tell him so

if you wish to be with your friend then you finish with your partner before you start anything with your friend

you can't have your cake and eat it

Why can't you have your cake and eat it?

ravenhead

michaelanthony wrote:

Why can't you have your cake and eat it?

How can you???? :eek:

Zulu

noels little bu wrote:

the way i am feeling right now is that i dont trust myself to say no.

Don't go so.

noels little bu

I just wanted to say thanks to all the people who offered me advice whether it be good or bad. I have done a lot of thinking and come to a decision. I told my friend that i love my partner and could never hurt him in any way. He gave me a huge hug and said that he totally understood and if ever i needed afriend that he would be there for me. So thats the end of it all now. Of course i still have feelings for him and have wondered what it would be like to share one night but i have to try and keep it at bay. So once again thanks.

LegacyUser

Okay i am posting this unregistered because i know people on this board and i don't want to mess up anymore lives if those i know figure out others involved in this. It's also something i am most certainly not proud of.

Keep away from your friend. Don't even put yourself into a position where you might be tempted. Keep your friend as a friend. I was friends with a guy. He was married but i never really had much dealings with his wife. We hung around in the same circle but his wife was never into the "social" scene so was never in our "group" of going out socialising. This guy and I used to have the greatest craic you could imagine and used to talk about everything and anything. It was great. One night he flirted and said he had always had a thing for me. I told him to get lost due to his maritial status. A few drinks later and flirting and what do you know, i thought "what the hell". I was never so ashamed of anything in my life. Never in my life did i think i could be with someone who had other commitments. I had to take another look at myself and wonder where the hell my values were. I could not blame drink, and i could not blame him, because there had to be something in me that it was something i wanted to do. And yes i adore the guy as a person. I think he is a nice person (although he cheated which i thought alot about). I'm hoping it was the drink that made him do it and it's not something he would do regularly. The next day he phoned me, we talked, told each other no hard feelings blah blah blah. He felt terrible, i felt terrible, and i was terrified of anyone finding out and jeopordizing his marriage. I didn't care what consequences came to me as i had no responsibilities but i had took part in something that i will always feel guilty about and i could have hurt his wife who was the innocent party. And what about our friendship? Well all i can say is it is non existant because anytime i see him i walk in another direction. Anytime he is in a pub with our friends i decide to sit with other friends. Anything not to talk to him. Why? Because i'm ashamed of my life. I don't even know what to say to him anymore yet previously we had conversations about nonsense and enjoyed it. I would like nothing more than to turn the clock back and undo that "one night that won't do any harm". Believe me, it does do harm. And probably more harm if the INNOCENT party ever finds out and even if they don't you still can't help but feel you've done wicked damage!

Stay GOOD friends. Not good friends with perks.

LegacyUser

I do sympathise with the original poster and good on her if she has made her decision and I hope all goes well for her.

I have a slightly different take on it. I was in a long term relationship for 5 years and last year, my partner did something that made me feel really bad. It wasn't quite an affair, but almost. But what really hurt and upset me was the way that he dealt with it when I found out, basically rubbing my nose in it - acceptin phone calls from this girl in front of me, inviting her to our home when I wasn't there. I truly believe nothing went on, but his cold and manipulative actions in making me think I was in the wrong (for allegedly not trusting him) really upset me, so much so I began to feel totally isolated, unloved and unlovable. I totaly lost confidence in myself and my own judgment.

Around the same time, a man who works for a company that I do some business with began to show an interest in me. He's married but given that we only went for the occasional drink if we were on site together I didn't think much of it. He noticed I was not myself on one of these occasions, and was extra kind over the next while, without ever interfering. I have always known that he likes me, but neither of us acted on it as he was married and I was in a long term relationship. However his attention at a time in my life when I felt so worthless and unloved was just what I needed. Anyway one thing led to another and we had an affair for a couple of months. That gave me the confidence to take my life in my hands and tell my partner to get lost. There is no future with the other man, he is happily married, and indeed once I got my confidence back, conscience got the better of us and we finished the affair. The strange thing is we are still close and the best of friends, and I credit him with helping me through this difficult time. I needed to feel good as a female bacause my partner had rejected me in that way and this man made me feel attractive and desirableagain.

I know it may be utterly selfish using an affiar for this way. However I certainly came out of it with 200% more confidence and the ability to take my life in my hands and end a dying relationship. I do feel guilty but I can rationalise it by saying that it was the man that was married and therefore its his problem to deal with. (I wouldn't like to be is wfie though by the same token)

Anyway all I wanted to say is that there isn't always a clear right and wrong. I have no doubt that if it wasn't for this affair I would still be stuck back in a relationship where my partner was cruel and controlling, and I would be feeling totally unloved and unlovable and have lost all my confidence.

Interestedin views

whosurpaddy

The Corinthian wrote:

Translation: “I needed him for a while after my previous relationship, but I’ve gotten my act together now. I’m fond of the old lush, but I reckon it’s time for me to trade up. I need to settle down before I get any older.”

You gotta love these passive aggressive types...

having just read the whole thread corinthian seems to have hit the nail on the head.