Friend - unlucky in love.

LegacyUser

My best mate sent me a text last week telling me that her boyfriend had dumped her. They had not been seeing each other for that long though (about four months), but she was still burned by it.

I sympathised with her, but I actually feel like its her own fault, and that in a way she deserves everything she gets. When she is going out with a guy, she acts very childishly and really needy and clingy and I am sure it puts people off her. She is a really decent, kind and generous person and she doesn't deserve the repeated mind-phuck that comes with constantly being dumped by guys.

When she meets a new guy, she tends to be very quick to leap into bed with them.... I don't know why that is. They tend to lose respect for her or interest in her.... It is like a vicious cycle. She is lonely and wishes she could find a partner that she could be happy with, but because she feels this loneliness, when she meets new people she gets overly clingy and needy and she has this annoying habit of acting like a child. Mutual friends of ours have also, rather unkindly, told me that she is pig ugly and various unflattering things about her personality. ( I don't agree with them however.)

Sometimes, I think that she resents that I am in a happy and healthy relationship. She doesn't appreciate that I have to spend time with my boyfriend as well as my friends.

She comes to me and asks me what she is doing wrong.... I don't know how to turn to her and say "Well, apparently you are pig ugly, have no personality, can be excruciatingly annoying and you have no self respect"..... (or words to that effect).

In general, she is a lovely person and she is a good laugh and she is kind and generous - it seems to be that she only acts negatively when she is around men. What can I say to try and constructively help her without tearing her persona to shreds?

Sleepy

Tell her about the clingy bit. It's the most annoying thing anyone can do in a relationship imho. Tbh, it sounds like this girl needs some time alone to define who she is as an individual as opposed to being half of a couple. There's more than likely some serious self-esteem issues here from the way you describe her so the best thing you can do for her is to try and build up her self-confidence.

impr0v

i'd agree with the self-esteem disagnosis. leaping into bed with them very quickly generally means she dosen't think she'll be able to maintain the relationship without giving them what she thinks they want, as soon as is practicable. the clingy behaviour and being over-affectionate can also be a sign of a desperation to hold onto the guy, and desperation is never a turn on. the only (vague) solution seems to me for this girl to become happier with herself, and things with other people will become easier.

and just in case you do decide to go with the tough love approach, i'd tell her she was 'pug' ugly, rather than 'pig' ugly, as at least the dog has some redeeming qualities.

Zulu

Originally posted by concerned_mate
She comes to me and asks me what she is doing wrong.... I don't know how to turn to her and say "Well, apparently you are pig ugly, have no personality, can be excruciatingly annoying and you have no self respect"..... (or words to that effect).

Awhhh, thats class. Just got in trouble for laughing out loud! Brilliant.
What can you do? You've said it all here. Just warn her not to be clingy/needy, but she won't listen, so theres nothing you can do really. Best of luck.

vibrant

I'm not sure that your friend would be too happy to hear what you have to say, even if it is softened up and sugared a bit... I think that's the kind of thing that she's going to have to learn by herself, you know? It is tricky though.

I know you want the best for her, but my advice would be to keep mum. Its obvious that she's insecure and you coming out with a "diagnosis" or advice ... no matter how delicately put... could really upset her and have terrible ramifications for you.

Damned if you do, damned if you don't!

OfflerCrocGod

Originally posted by concerned_mate
I don't know how to turn to her and say "Well, apparently you are pig ugly, have no personality, can be excruciatingly annoying and you have no self respect".....

Just do it - in the long run it will be for her own good - the truth hurts sometimes:D, but it has to come out

Etain

She comes to me and asks me what she is doing wrong

Next time she asks you, preface by saying,"you've asked, so I'll tell you as your friend," and then tell her! I'd only mention her behaviour though ( and avoid the word "ugly"). If she gets mad, remind her that she did ask. It might take several more lost boyfriends before she listens. I agree with the others that she really needs to gain some self-respect, and you can't do that for her.

Zulu

The reason shes so insecure is probably because she knows she's ugly and annoying.

impr0v

as Michael Stipe said (i think the song's name was 'tongue') 'ugly girls know their fate', though he does follow it up with 'anybody can get laid'.