Can't seem to get over her :(

Megatron

Ok here is the problem,

4 years ago I meet this fantastic Girl, we got on like something out of a romance novel, now I have had a few relationships but nothing like this, anyway , we where madly in love, always all over each other , kissing and hugging and all that. So after about 9 months I proposed and she was delighted, she wanted to move back to finland and I had not probs with this. So she went over first as I I was still saving and doing a dam ****ty job at the time ( Conduit) so I followed her over after about 2 months. We got a place quickly and moved in. Everything was great , however she got a job working on a ferry going from Finland to Sweeden , now that wasn’t’ too bad, she was away for 3 –4 weeks , but I would see her 1 or even twice a fortnight. Things where not as they where a year ago at this stage but still going well. Then she went and got a job where she would be gone for 6 – 8 weeks at a time and I just wouldn’t see her at all till she came back I was able to handle that but instead of a 4 week rest time she took 1 week L . after the 2nd time she came home she was decidedly distant and she would hardly speak to me about anything that was going on with her , we used to be able to talk about anything but not now. I was waiting for a course to start so I could learn finnish properly ( it’s a very hard language to learn) with just 2 weeks coming up to the course starting I was understandable excited, while she was nothing but negative about me and what I was doing even tough she was the one who wanted me to go on this in the first place. So with 5 days to go , I head off for a weekend away with the football team I played for, when I get back I get told that “ we should have a break “ .. so I told her I would be home late .. I needed time to think, so I wander the city in shock and I get home at about 3 am … we talked all night and it was over. Now yes I was upset , but only sort of .. I didn’t get angry I didn’t cry .. I didn’t’ do anything other than pack my bags and fly home 3 days later….

But my main problem is that was 2 years ago, now when I do go out , I don’t’ go out half as much as I used to because money was always a problem , so I usually go out once every 6 weeks or so. But when I do go out and I see some nice looking women , I just keep thinking about my ex …. And so I usually go home alone and unhappy , so now I just don’t’ go out , last time I was out was my birthday ( last month) time b4 that was 3 months for my brothers party.

So , any1 have any ideas of how I can get this woman out of my head so I can move on and get back to a normal life ?

whosurpaddy

has she got a sister?

ShriekingSheet

make the effort to go out a bit more? I know moneys tight but join the club!

Ok so you see a nice girl but you think of/compare her 2 your ex? This is normal, but don't let it deter you from approaching such a nice girl!

If u ask me the key here is to feel that click with someone else- even just for one night! Right now the things you are doing aren't giving u much of a chance to do this!

Best of Luck

Beruthiel

Originally posted by Megatron
any1 have any ideas of how I can get this woman out of my head so I can move on and get back to a normal life ?

well, when you see those nice girls, next time do something about it, ask one out, do it even if your ex is still on your mind. Getting out and seeing other people is the only answer, don't get into anything serious, keep it light, see lots of different women. After some time, I believe she will fade from your mind.
Tis a bummer for you I'm sure, but it's the only way to snap out of this, no point living in the past

Kell

Take a reality check of who she was and who you thought she was. Sounded pretty damn crap the way she treated you before you finished up with her, so maybe paint a picture in your head of maybe how wonderful she aint and mentally throw darts at it.

BTW, thats not the first strange finnish bird I have heard of. A mate of mine married one, she turned psycho on him pretty much as soon as the ring went on, and they were divorced within a year.

Think of the fate you have been spared.

K-

Megatron

hehe , well i do refeter to her as "the bitch" when i refer to the time in finland together, but still refer to her as her proper name when thinking of our time in Ireland.


but i guess i'll try .. but i got some kick in the love spuds when i went into town last month ... was in cafe ensain ( spelling is nto my strongest suit) and after 11:30 it was €5.40 a pint .. well i just got every1 up and we f00ked off to my flat and got smashed on some cans instead

Lex_Diamonds

€5.40?! Well done for taking your business elsewhere!

irlirishkev

well i do refer to her as "the bitch" when i refer to the time in finland together

Good to see you've gotten past the grieving stage and into the bitterness stage..
It is difficult to not compare other girls to the girl you thought was the one, I do it all the time.. so I can relate to that.

Do try and get out though, it's really important. And kudos for leaving Café En Sene, rip off bastardos!

Kev.

Megatron

best thing about it , when i did move back home , i found a nice game to play

Dark Age of Camelot


but now it's more of a crutch that anything else .. oin a side note
when i do get drunk that's all i seem to harp on about .. her


nerf my febel mind

Typedef

Yeah but the Finnish girl was attractive because she was *so* elusive and different.

Reality check.

No matter what we like to tell ourselves there are *pleanty* of women (some of whom are foreign) around Ireland, who won't be hopping on a plane in ... n weeks time and further reality check those women are probably great to be with.

It's just the genre of male that we are, that seeks something so *mind boggingly* difficult to have, more because it *is* difficult to have then what it is.

Turns out, the elusive chick you thought you loved, is just an ordinary woman... not whatever pedestal you had her on.

I've done that myself. Love (to quote some movie I've seen recently with Nicholas Cage) is whats left over, when all the initial passion is gone.

That's why all those really beautiful but, bitchy women go from man to man... becuase after the *wow* wears off, you're stuck with a bitch.

Not only do I not understand the whole dating thing, where dating != getting drunk + getting laid. I don't even understand how it is people *ever* managed to stay married years ago.

Marriage must have been something people did and stuck with, out of fear of being ostracised by society.

I feel sort of robbed, because you know, I grew up with all these images of how a happy life was finding somebody to love and all that shite, but, it turns out that (certainly in Dublin), that, all that stuff was just a complete misnomer of how life *really* is in places like the Dublin.

Fast, impersonal and nobody gives a fnck.

I had a French chick that I was convinced was the source of sunshine from a (admitadely well shaped) arse. I really have to ask myself though. If she'd been Irish, English, German.. or say East European (with the whole I might be fnucking you for a Green card thing) would I have been so keen on her?

In truth, probably not.

Also, had you asked the Finnish girl to stay in Ireland would she have done it?

Probably not right? So that's why you went to Finland yeah?

So, you have to ask yourself, were you really honest about what the realationship was about?

When you get right down to it... one person can *never* love enough for two in a realtionship, that's what you were trying to do with her perhaps.

I don't think there's any shame to be had in facing up to reality on that one... in fact, you should be proud of the fact that... whatever way your life may turn out... it's not like you *never* tried to make it happen.

Maybe, you know, that's all that really matters at the end of the day, the uhh... kampf, the struggle, the willingness to graps the thing by the horns and take the knocks as they come.

You shouldn't feel sorry for what happend, you should feel glad for yourself that you had the nuts, to follow your dream and you shouldn't let that one setback, grind you down for the rest of your life.

If it happens like 20 times in a row though... I'd recommend taking a vow of celabacy and forgetting about wimmen forever.

jerenaugrim

You'll get over her in time. You fell in love with her 'cause she was fantastic, then she stopped being fantastic. It happens. Console yourself with the thought that you have good taste, but were let down by a simple inability to see into the future.:)

CathyMoran

Try dating someone else - it will hurt at first - I was dating someone for almost six years when it broke down - I dated someone who was totally different to my ex and it was the best thing that I ever did, even if it did not work out long term...when something like this happens you have to force yourself into going out...best wishes - everything will work out for the best.

ven0m

Originally posted by CathyMoran
Try dating someone else - it will hurt at first - I was dating someone for almost six years when it broke down - I dated someone who was totally different to my ex and it was the best thing that I ever did, even if it did not work out long term...when something like this happens you have to force yourself into going out...best wishes - everything will work out for the best.

This is soooo true - I went out at the weekend & after 2 1/2 years of being single after some seriously dodgy relationships that went arseways but I asked a woman I liked out & yeah I got shot down, but you know what - the world didn't stop, I didn't feel all ****y after it & it's now only made me wanna be more active again - amazing what taking a leap of faith will do...... wooohooooo!!!!!!

impr0v

Originally posted by Typedef
Yeah but the Finnish girl....(snip)

good post that, lot of truth in what he's saying.

Etain

Get out with your friends! Meet people, talk with people. You will meet someone who will appreciate you.

Laguna

I dunno. It's all nice to be optimistic and say you'll magically meet someone "Amazing" by going out to nightclubs/pubs/with friends who'll appreciate you in a deep spriritual way and all that filth but it's a cliche. Fact is the best thing you can do is to not give a ****, hold your hands up and go "**** it!, who wants a relationship anyway?". Only then, young padawan, can the healing begin..

billy the squid

"better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all"

My situation is slightly different i guess the lady I went out with passed away after a two year relationship. that was in 1994. I still think of her but I don't let it prevent me from going out and meeting new people. If you do let it prevent you from going out you will start to loose all your friends, I learned this the hard way.

With a bit of luck the experience will make you a better person. What I took from my own experience was the lesson that a partner is something that sould be treated with love and respect because you never know that tomorrow could be your last day together. You might draw your own answers from your experience and keep trying it will work out. I wish you luck in the future.

Sleepy

Some interesting ideas floated here and one I've been thinking about a lot lately: Marriage. How do you know you're not settling? How can you know you'll never meet someone else who has all the same qualities you love about the person but none of their faults? Is it stupid to keep imagining that there's a perfect person out there? Do we always turn the "one that got away" into this perfect person in our minds, placing them on a pedastal that no-one else could ever hope to be compared favourably to?

and yes, I am as confused as I sound...

Kell

Originally posted by Typedef

Not only do I not understand the whole dating thing, where dating != getting drunk + getting laid. I don't even understand how it is people *ever* managed to stay married years ago.

Dont feel robbed Typie. Relationship and marriage institutions come about and last with both partners engaging in todays buzz word- compromise. When one, or both, partners decide that they come first and foremost all the time, then it fails.

K-

Typedef

Yeah.

Wierdly people seem to compromise on that whole err *love* bit in marriages quite a bit. In fact, you ask *most* married couples after 20 years do they still love each other and if they're honest, 'yes' won't be the answer.

Four Weddings and a Funeral?

Excuse me. Pipe dream.

Girlfriend for 5+ years. Big maybe.

As it happens, I don't think you *ever* get over the first 1 or 2 women you get into a serious relationship with.

After that one, or perhaps two horrible crestfallen things, you _significantly_ lower the criteria for what you want out of a relationship.

At one stage I was the whole house, the car, the dog, the mortgage, the kids, the retirement cottage in the sunshine.

These days I'm just looking for someone who'll bark on command and wear PVC, while I slap her ass.


*sigh*.
Why can't I love?

Typedef

Truth be told.

You 'never' get over the first girl you love, no matter what condecending bullshit people sell you. Bullshit it's worth noting that they normally tell you, out of some vain hope that... it'll be true for them and

a: the person they're pretending loves them will reciprocate

b: the failing relationship they're in will work out

c: somehow, someday they're find that special person

or such people don't tell you that because

a: it's a lie

b: they are that 'other' person who's going through the motions of some relationship

c: they realise the lie and can't/don't want to pretend with someone.

I don't think thats cynical. I mean really, really bad things happen in the world, day after day and if you stop to think of all the people with AIDS, who are starving, who are homeless, who are abused, drug addicts, living on the street and contrast it to the 'paradise' of cars, silicon implants, fatty foods, over work in Western economies and people who have 'every' opportunity to be kind to their fellow man, but, end up being selfish, I can't see how *anybody* can ever be so delusional as to believe all this crap.

/rant

CathyMoran

I do think that your first loves will always be special to you - but if you really loved them then you will be happy that they are happy even if it is not with you

In terms of settling down - yes, you compromise - I was in a relationship that broke down for various reasons, some were because I felt I missed the buzz of chemistry, others that I was scared at the idea of getting married (the other person also made mistakes), I went out with someone totally different a while later who was totally different from my ex had the chemistry but will probably be marrying my ex as the love changed, but it is love and I can finally see myself growing old together with this person...

Every relationship is special and a learning experience - the best thing is to to meet as many types of people as possible - you never know who you might click with...

LegacyUser

To the original poster

I had a thing for a while, much like you about an ex (i.e not being able to get her out of my head and comparing her to other women i met)
Time did solve it
But the underlying problem was i didnt have a sense of closure.
I might be painting your situation with mine, but I get the same sense when i read your original post.
Specifically : What the hell was she dissappearing for 2-4 weeks then 6-8 weeks, I bet you didnt fully discuss that when you parted ways? (perhaps you did)
But it was the unanswered questions that did my head in, and it was only when i dropped them that I was back to normal.

Kell

Originally posted by Typedef
Truth be told.

You 'never' get over the first girl you love, no matter what condecending bullshit people sell you.

It's never a case of getting over the first love, its integrating them into your norm, bit like getting over a deceased close one. You stop grieving, but they stay with you. As for an early ex/first love, they provide an endless source of happy thoughts when you need them.

Compromising means deciding whats important to you and if your way of life and general well being arent being stamped all over, then you should have no problem with your partner long term.

It also comes down to liking your partner. You can love someone, but in a half breath be able to point out all their faults, whereas if you LIKE someone you love the love will last.

K-

Typedef

Hmm, that's very wise really.

The grief part may go away, but the guilt and absolute knowledge that 'you' just fncked it up plain and simple, seem to get a little bit more pronounced.

Sure, it was 'my' bad, so that's why there's guilt and regret on my part.

I agree, you have to like, who you love and unfortunately it's very easy to stop liking someone. In fact, probably you want to marry someone you know for 'years', because, you already like them, so if the love part comes along, you're basically set.

/searches for link
http://www.generaltomfoolery.co.uk/gt_images/67/reality.jpg

Unfortunately I slept with all the girls I liked, and most of the one's I didn't like and then found some more, who's names, mostly elude me. In that order.

Perhaps it's time to seek professional help.

Kell

Originally posted by Typedef
Unfortunately I slept with all the girls I liked, and most of the one's I didn't like and then found some more, who's names, mostly elude me. In that order.

In the immortal words of Aerosmith- "by the way girl, whats your name again?"