A Talking Duck!

Kone

A duck walks into a bar up to the bar and asks the barman "excuse me m8 do you do food"..........the barman looks round doesn't reply "excuse me m8 do you food" asks the duck again........the barman looks round again says nout again....."**** this i'm getting a bit pissed here, do you do ****ing food or what".........the barman looks over notices him and apoligises and says "we do a range of sandwhiches and pies"........so the duck gets up on a stool and orders a guiness and a steak and kidney pie, while he's eating the pie the barman says "sorry the way i treated you earlier i've never seen a talking duck before"........"no problem i get it all the time".....says the duck

the next day a gentleman comes into the bar with a red top hat and tails on and asks the barman "would you mind if i put a poster for my circus in the church grounds up in your window"........the barman agrees and while the man is putting it up asks "do you have a talking duck in your circus m8 ".......the guy says "nah m8 we've Lions and tigers, monkeys, elephants and the usual but no talking ducks, i've heard of them but i always thought it was a myth".........the barman says "there was one in here yesterday, had a pie and a guiness, when i saw you i put one and one together".......the man says "does he come in here often, i'd love to meet him, if he comes back give him my card tell him to ring me, i'll give him all the work he wants"..............

the following day the bar door opens, in waddles the duck up on to the stool "a pie and a guiness bro"....the barman serves him and says "see that poster over there i was telling the guy from the circus about you yesterday, he left you his card and says to ring him about work".....the duck sipping his pint read the card and says to the barman "from a circus, a big tent, with the big tarpulin roof and canvas wall"........"yes" says the barman......"i wonder what the **** he wants with a plasterer"......says the duck

Diddy Kong

thats classic

Pugsley

Excellent

Kazu

lol excellent

quank

Haha. Cool joke

Tom Dunne

Excellent. Didn't see that one coming.

Trip Hazard

OK im sorry i do not get that joke

Static

If it wasn't written by someone who obviously ran the original text through a grammar remover, followed by an ellipsis generator, followed by a mate2m8 translator, followed by a Guinness mis-speller, the joke might have been easier to read....

Normally, I don't pay too much attention to stuff like that, but it's ****ing awful. Are you 13?


End speech-nazi rant.

glynf

A bloke waks into a bar with a Crocidile, and asks the barman for 2 pint of Guinness.
The barman takes one look at the croc, and says;" you must be joking-get the dangerous bastard of a thing out of here!" " Relax..he's harmless-would'nt hurt a fly"
said the man,"want me to prove it?"After a while the barman reluctantly agrees to this. The man cleared a table, slaped it and shouted "UP" at the croc. The croc climed on to the table."OPEN!" shouted the man, and the croc opened his mouth."now watch this"said the man, who proceeded to place his knob in the crocs mouth, and shouted "CLOSE!". The crocs mouth slammed shut, the barman went pale,and gasps of awe went up around the pub."see, I told you-would'nt hurt a fly, now..OPEN !"
the croc just looks at the man, but keeps his mouth closed."OPEN!!"roared the man,
who picked a heavy ashtray off the counter, and slapped it off the crocs head for good measure. Eventually, he lets the man go-as roars of approval go up around the pub.The barman, well impressed, puts two pints on the counter.
"Now, would any one else like to try?"asked the man.
Silence...then at the end of the bar an elderly woman stands up.
"I will dear,"she said,"as long as you don't hit me with the ashtray...."