Gary Nevilles Diary Latest Edition

The Muppet

Wednesday
Missing Sir like mad. Phoned seven times and sent six text messages but had no reply. Same as this morning. Called Mum and told her to go round with a note but she said she's 'too busy'. Bet she would have done it for silly billy Philly.

Tried to tell Sven he should have taken Jermain Defoe instead. But he was busy with a lady. Everyone's too busy for me :-(

Watched first five minutes of Champions (yeah right) League. Means nothing unless you beat the best team in the whole wide world. WITHOUT cheating.


Thursday
I found a note in my bedroom (Sven says because there are 23 players in the squad, I get a room to myself. Apparently everyone voted that I get the extra space. How cool is that?) from the maid. It says...

'Avete un moustache molto pathetic. Assomiglia a lanugine bum'. I showed Sven and he says it means 'You have a wonderful, bushy moustache. You can touch my bum'. I might make Sven a doily like Sir's. But in red and white.

I hid when the maid came back. I don't want to touch a yukky girl's bum. Everyone knows they smell.


Friday
I'm so happy. I can't stop smiling. I feel like I'm walking on air. Me and David have made up. He spoke to me today for the first time since I let him know (by text and fax) what I thought of him and those girls who he made feel so yucking special. Well guess who feels special now?

I'm going to write a song and sing it outside his door - 'I was lost without you David, you have a lovely tattoo, until you turned around and said 'Gazza - f**k you...'

Later: He didn't like it.


Saturday
Am getting really, really worried now. Got back to England and went straight round to Sir's house with his present and his lights seem to go off when I got close. I rang the bell but although I could hear laughter and movement inside, nobody answered. I fear the worst.

Went round to Mum's and tried to make her phone the police. She said I was hysterical but I chased her round the house until she gave me a hot chocolate to calm me down.

It's at times like this that I need David.


Sunday
Panic over. Heard Paul and Nicky talk about last night's party at Sir's. Called Vodafone to ask them to check my line.

Can't believe anyone is saying that Frank Lamppost (ha ha) should play for England. He doesn't even play for the best club in the whole wide world! Maybe we should go on strike until everyone sees sense. Gave Phil a Chinese burn until he agreed.


Monday
Read in the Telegraph that I looked like a 'troubadour' with my guitar. Everyone knows troubadours have moustaches :-)

Guess who scored a goal in training? I have a sneaky suspicion that I'll be up front with Michael tomorrow. Can't wait.


Tuesday
Got a big kick on my winkie and it really, really hurts. But England fans need not panic because the great Gary 'Gazza' Neville will be fine. Just as soon as someone rubs it better.

Heard someone say that Japan's goal came from mine and David's (my winkie feels better just writing that) side of the pitch but anyone can see that it was Frank Lamppost's fault. My men of the match were me, David, Paul and Nicky and the worst were Frank Lamppost and Phil, who ruined everything at the end.

And there's only one winner for the Best Moustache award. Drum roll please....