I need some help

Battlesnake

Hey,
I suffer from depression. (To all those helpful people who are going to tell me to wise up or just get over it.Please don't bother replying because believe me I've tried and ignoring whats consuming you only makes things worse).
I've been diagnosed with 'attachment disorder' (does anyone know much about/ have any experience of this). After 9 years in and out of gps surgerys, hospitals, therapy sessions, they finally come up with an answer. Only thing is it hasn't changed how I feel - just given me a label.
Over the last few months my therapist screwed up and I hadn't seen her until last week, when she came up with this diagnosis. So I guess being out of sync with my therapy routine has contributed to the way I'm feeling now.
Anyway so the reason I'm feeling so low tonight is that I feel I have no place to turn.
My boyfriend of 3 years has been my main support. The other day when I thought I was doing ok, he went all quiet on me. After a lot of coaxing he told me that he was finding things really hard and couldn't cope with my mood swings, didn't know what to do. I've been feeling suicidal and have been self harming. He knows about all this because he is my best friend and we've always been honest with one another.
He's posted things up here before when he's been feeling low and struggling with my situation (guest low in personal issues).
Right now at this moment I have moved out of my parental home thinking that this would make all the difference. Wrong in part, yes my environment is better. But the pain and emotional stress haven't gone away. I don't eat as I should - even though I want to, skip meals all the time. Have periods of time where I won't leave the house for weeks. Won't get washed. Won't talk to friends etc etc
I just don't do anything normally and I hate it. I try so hard but yet it's never enough.
I screwed up at school not because I'm thick but because I just couldn't cope with the pressure. Now everybody's just watching and waiting for me to do something fantastic and I'm finding it difficult to even want to breathe right now.
I feel like my boyfriend has taken enough of all this I don't want to hurt him anymore or cause him anymore pain or distress. I love him so much and I don't want to be without him, yet I feel it would be better if I wasn't in his life anymore.
I feel even more pressure when I'm down at his house (he's Dublin, I'm Belfast). I feel completely overwhelmed by my own social circle of 18yr olds, his friends are between 26 - 30, they've all finished college whereas I haven't even started. All his family & friends are doing really great awards left right and centre and I'm pleased for them. I just don't know how to deal with it. Things like that don't happen to people I know at home. I have difficulty feeling ok with anyone from here. Down there its like standing at the bottom of 20 Mount Everests.
I just feel so small and really really painfully sad and scared. I dunno what the hell is going to happen to me or if I'll even make it through. I feel so ashamed of what I've become, so angry at myself and irritated that I can't do better. I'm really really scared people. I don't wanna die, but I feel like thats the only answer to stop hurting inside.

ravenhead

Your post has really touched me ..... I wonder what could have possibly happened to you to make you think that life is so hopeless? Form your post I do think that your B/F does really love you... maybe it might just be getting to him a little. Have you tried to include him in your treatment?
I think for you're own wellbeing while you are feeling so down - you should try not to socialise with your b/f's friend's as much .... especially if they make you feel worthless. Have you decided on a course of action?

Here is a website that might help answer some of your questions:

www.attachmentdisorder.net

I am sorry at your young age you are going through stressful things.

Sleepy

Why do you feel so low? Once you can answer that question, you can begin to improve your situation. You seem intelligent enough to realise that burying your issues won't solve them so you need to take the next step: tackling them. I wish I'd been that smart at 18!

One of the wisest pieces of advice I've ever been given was from an ex: "it is in the dew of small things the heart finds it's morning and is refreshed". Try to find those small things: sunny days, cute puppys, kids playing football outside your house and smile at them. It won't make all your problems disappear but it'll help.

hedgetrimmer

heya

first up take a deep breath.

I suffer from Depression (and yes, it is diagnosed, and yes, I do suffer from the physical/ medical symptoms too) as well, and I had a pretty rough patch in my early teens. Biologically, depression-wise, it's a pretty tough time, and that's a widespread medically proven thing, but I am not making little of your situation - I can fully relate to it.

First off, the fact that you really want the pain gone, but you want to live, tells me that you WILL get through this. I have no doubt in my mind to that. Regarding your relationship - at the moment you need your bf, which is not a solid basis for a relationship - wanting to be with him should transcend your need for him. But, he is still there and he is helping you through this. Of course sometimes it is gonig to be ahrd for him, but he has the ability to make this choice for himself. His is choosing to be there at the moment, so don;t allow his choice to be a focus for your depression. You are not "making him feel bad" - you are going through a tought time, he is there supporting you, and that is his choice .

Of course you feel overwhelmed by your social circle - who doesn't? But what is more important is finding out what makes you happy - what do you want to do this Saturday night? You wont hurt them if you want to do something different.

It seems to me that you are projecting your self-worry outwards by worrying about other people, their concerns, their opinions, while you should really be looknig inward at what is making you afraid. Yes, afraid. And what that little voice inside you is telling you to do to make you happy, less afraid - it could be something as simple as wanting to read a book at the weekend instead of gonig out. Be gentle with yourself.

All I can say is that this time will pass. You may not be in a position to see that now (I know I wasn't) but it will pass. It's ok to be sad, and feel scared - it's human. Just know that there are people thre for you, and that they choose to be there. So let them. And start being there for yourself too.

Hope that helps.

13

i truly feel for you, but dont forget youre not the only one. there are so many good people torn apart by depression these days its not funny. im actually feeling pretty crap right now and your post made me cry its so similiar to my own feelings. i feel like im stuck in hell on earth, and theres one thing that helps me and thats the belief that if things can get this low, they can only get better, and that the opposite side of the coin can exist if i can put my heart and soul into it.

though sometimes i really feel like im getting better, it doesnt take much to knock me down again. to start me wondering why the hell any of us are here in the first place, why the hell im here myself...why the hell i even bother existing through any of it.. but the first step is realising that you cant live like that. nothing can hurt you unless you allow it to. if you believe your ideal world can exist, then just go for it cause this life is definitely not forever.

i cant tell you much about 'attachment disorder' as i havent a clue what it is but i believe regardless of what illness you have, healing can only begin from within before any kind of therapy can have an affect. so you really have to sit down and knock some sense into yourself cause nobody else can do it for you. think of things todo, for yourself, not for your b/f or anybody else, make goals, think of what makes you happy, start investing yourself in those things.

please dont take me the wrong way, i dont mean to lecture you, i know how hard it is.. i f^cking swear to that. i know how easily time can pass, how easily opportunities can disappear, how you can feel yourself waste away until you feel like you are worthy of nothing yourself, and how every well intentioned word can fall on deaf ears. realise that you are important enough to get any and every thing that you desire, and relax, you have to let some things go, cause somethings will never make sense.. but use the hurt and pain that youve experienced to change your future, and ultimately yourself. it can only make you a better person. like the saying goes, what doesnt kill you..can only make you stronger

having a relationship right now may not be the best thing in the world for you as you have alot todo yourself. your life is just beginning. you are only what 18? think seriously about where you expect this relationship to take you. being with someone simply because they shelter you from everything else is not exactly healthy, and will most definitely only lead to more hurt and pain in the future. if this situation did for example, become too much for your b/f to handle and he wanted to breakup.. you would probably take that upon yourself, and blame yourself for losing him right?

im not suggesting at all that you should drop this relationship, im just telling you things ive learnt myself..love..as much as wed like to keep it forever..it cant always be that way. as we grow, our opinion of love also changes, especially what we expect from other people. when youre younger, love can be quite selfish but you soon begin to realise things from a different perspective. you begin to realise that your life and your dreams must come first before you can truly allow yourself to love someone in a way that is meant to be. anyway theres nothing wrong with being single, having fun, and exploring your youth. you are only young once.

ive rambled on enough here, im sry:) i can only hope that it helps you in the slightest way. remember, take a deep a breath. take one step at a time, put some structure into your life and start chasing your dreams. put your energy into yourself, and not what other people dont like about you. this world is so diverse you cant expect to be the same and live the same life as everyone around you, and you need to start communicating with people, most importantly your friends, speak your mind, your opinion, your hurt,whatever makes you tick.. only then will you know who your real friends are. so take it in your hands, put a smile on your face, find that confidence in yourself, love and help the people that you care for, remember its not easy for any of us. most importantly, you are no smaller than you imagine yourself to be. so imagine all that you can be. nobody can ask any more, or less of you.

the choice is yours. (*cough* and mine:P

gluck

Battlesnake

Thanx for all your kind replies.

Ravenhead - Cheers for the link to that site, made for interesting reading.
Both yourself and Sleepy asked what has me feeling this way. I guess my only reply to that can be this. A lot of tough stuff has happened and a lot of the time I'm not quite sure how to handle it. Rather than go into it all, I've pasted a link to a post my bf put up here ages ago. Should help explain a few things.

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?s=&threadid=125093

I'm trying to get together a course of action for myself at the moment. To include better management of my treatment. Hopefully balance hospital therapy will something that helps me to chill and gets me out about. Thinking about yoga, hmmm will see how it goes!

Last few weeks have been up and down like crazy. Feeling about a 4/5 (on scale of 1 - 10) right now. When this morning was about a 2. Thursday night was about highest have been in long time - 7. Went out for a meal, few drinks n dance. Was nightmare getting myself worked up to get out but was worth it.
I guess its just trying to find the energy and confidence within yourself to do the things you love. . . .

Sleepy - I have a wee puppy in my life who has made a major difference in my life. I totally agree that the small things add up. He makes me laugh and smile, gives me a focus. If I don't look after him - who will? Sometimes hes the main reason I don't do anything stupid. His demands are easier to meet than that of family and friends. Therefore if I can at least keep somebody happy, its a start, right?

Ok have just read over that. . . . .

I think hedgetrimmer is right I'm so busy worrying about other peoples needs and demands. I rarely think of myself. I'm going to take your advice and start thinking about what is right for me, what makes me happy (my bf said something very similar to me a few days back). I think I also need to be, as you said, more gentle with myself. I'm so frustrated for not having achieved as much as my peers, I'm more than capable. It's the pressure that gets to me. Recently I've started making plans to take on something like 6 exams in a year. Which I know is doable but at the same time it will prob be too much and I'll struggle.
Thank you. Your advice really helped me and probably has saved me from wasting yet another year.

13 -

it doesnt take much to knock me down again.

Same here. I think I am stronger now than I used to be. For about a period of 2 years it was like getting continually hit with disaster after disaster and I suppose that has led to me being afraid of everything. Scared to even look out the door incase anything hits me at full force. As I said above I'm going to try to do my best to focus on what makes me happy and what I need.

i know how easily time can pass, how easily opportunities can disappear

I can completely relate to that. Sometimes it feels like I'm in a completely different time zone to everyone else. A day has passed for me when a month has passed for the world.

you would probably take that upon yourself, and blame yourself for losing him right?

Too true. I would agree with the rest. Only in the last few months things have got better. We're starting to get back to having fun being bf & gf, instead of just clinging to one another. I think I gotta learn how to do what I have to do whilst accomodating those around me into my life. The people in my life, I think should be included in this experience I'm going through. I've run away from them all for too long. Excluding them from me has only hindered me.

theres nothing wrong with being single, having fun, and exploring your youth. you are only young once.

Again I agree. Yeah I'd like to be single and have fun playing the field.
To be honest though, it just wouldn't be as good for me. I'd really miss my bf, we're best mates, hes damn funny and he makes me smile. On top of that he understands me completely and I don't fancy going through my whole life story with someone else. Plus under the sheets hes great and like if it ain't broke don't fix it!
Think I'm going to spend my time enjoying my youth, rather than exploring. Have done way too much of that as it is. Just gonna do my best to have fun and explore the world and what it has to offer me.

you need to start communicating with people

Definately important. Cutting myself off, although it is usually what I do when I feel really bad, it ain't clever.

I can always easily remember what I used to be like, when I was happy for a while. I think I just gotta remember how I got there, instead of just thinking of the obvious - why am I not like that now.


Am feeling a lot better now than what I was the other night. You guys have really helped so thanx for taking the time to write. . . .

Oh if anyone else is feeling really down.
DO NOT drink a bottle of wine, or indeed any alchohol.
If you like me find you've nobody to talk to, or you just feel that you can't bring yourself to contact anyone close.
A number you might like to call is the samaritans
Ireland - 1850 60 90 90
UK - 08457 90 90 90
I know you all might think 'yeah right as if' but I'm serious they really helped me. Stayed on the phone until I was calmed down and then rang in the morning to check I was ok. They're really sound and nothing you say freaks them out.

Thanx 2 everyone 4 being so kind and for giving great advice.