Timeline of a Drunkard !!

Yo Mamma · 18-04-2001 8:18am #1

4pm
Offered a beer when at friends house 'pre-party.' A beer sounds good.

5pm
Another carton sounds good. Group of four this 'pre-party' has become sets off to bottle-o to get requested elixer. And a bottle of Jack Daniels for later.

6pm
Cracked open the Jack. Finally at the party. The beer begins to hit, I drawl on to people about 'artistic integrity.' and scream at anyone who tries to turn off the obscure swedish hardcore I've put on the stereo.

7pm
Halfway through the Jack. Now starting to get 'samples' of drinks from other people. Happily moving from person to person, telling them how mundane their lives are, carefully not mentioning the fact my life has become one long day involving nothing more exciting than finding free porn on the net for the last 8 months.

8pm
Drunk. Occaisionally staring at my ex, who always seems to turn up at parties. My ex of three years ago, that is. Shake myself out of it, go outside to become part of an 'Aussie redneck' soapie. Im 'wog'.

9pm
Very drunk. Someone makes the mistake of giving me a shot of Wild Turkey. I thank him very profusely, then become part of my chair as I try to focus.

9:30pm
Still cannot focus. This, however, does not stop me from leaping up and starting to harass people at the party. I stand back and watch the WWF re-enactments in the kitchen with bemusement. I become part of the re-enactments. They quickly turn into a sort of 'gangwars' thing...I hit someone over the head with a bicycle chain, then give him some of my whiskey.

10pm
I realise I still have just under a bottle of whiskey left. I theatrically announce I am about to finish my whiskey, and do just that. Hear conversations slow and stop around me and I gulp down about 400ml of liquor. I finish, wipe my mouth, glare at the nearest person and fall over. Get helped up and whisked to the laundry to have a 'gravity bong.'

10:30pm
I am one with the couch. Floating many miles above the house.

11pm
I am still on autopilot orbiting the Earth's surface.

11:20pm
I 'wake up,' get up, and start chatting to people. The expression on people's faces is as if I had risen from the dead. I start singing along to whatever is on the stereo. Then I switch whatever it is for either extreme metal or one of Mike Pattons unlistenable side projects and threaten people with violence if they dont like it.

12pm
All the Jack Daniels I drank hits me all at once. I expound conspiracy theories to a few people. I scare the hell out of someone by repeatedly sneaking up behind him with a cane and whacking him with it, then running away when he turns, giggling to myself.

1am
Vomit on a couch.

2am
Get involved in a surreal version of 'Fight Club.' Wrestle. Win, and then lose when my friend cheats. *******. Pick up my shirt and go inside to get some water.

3am
Blackout

4am
Blackout

5am
Blackout

6am
Still drunk. Have a guitar, trying to figure out 'Piano Man' the way my friend learnt it when she took piano lessons.

7am
No longer a party. The end, you *******s. Go laugh at someone else's pain