Was it Cheating??

maybe

I'm a regular poster ... using an assumed log on ..... I just wanted to see what you guys thought about my situation:


I was on a girls weekend recently, when we met up with a group of really nice guys ... it was all pretty innocent fun.
As the night went on a starting talking to a guy that had been hanging round me most of the night (Staring, chatting etc). He was VERY good looking to say the least & there was an instant attraction between us.

It was then that I found out that he was recently (Feb 2004) married. He told me all about his life etc back home. & I told him of my long term b/f (4years).
Anyway we flirted & had a bit of a laugh for the rest of the night but both agreed that if situations were different there would have been no stopping us!!

Then came the end of the night .. we walked together to the taxi rank & he kissed me on the cheek .. all very innocent stuff... However while waiting for the taxi, his friends decided to share a taxi with my friends & I as our hotels were in the same direction....

This lead to us having a VERY passionate kiss as he got out of the taxi!!!!
I can't stop thinking about it......

& Since this kiss I can't look at my b/f .... I love him very much... I really don't know why I did it..

I have NEVER EVER been tempted by anyone since I started to see my boyfriend ... as far as I was concerned he is The One......

I am so ashamed of my self...........

Sleipnir

Would you consider your boyfriend had cheated if he went away for a weekend with the lads, met a girl and snogged the face off her?

Dr. Loon

Originally posted by maybe

I am so ashamed of my self...........

So you should be. I've no sympathy for you.... if I was your bf and I found out you'd be gone. I'm an evil Scorpio though, so your bf might be more forgiving.

As Sleipnir says, would you be happy if your bf was off having passionate kisses?

maybe

Originally posted by Sleipnir
Would you consider your boyfriend had cheated if he went away for a weekend with the lads, met a girl and snogged the face off her?

Yeah .... I wouldn't be happy about it at all .....

Lainey

you can't change what has happened but you can learn from it.. put it behind you and put your energy into you and your boyfriend..

Victor

Cheating is defined by the other person. If he thinks you kissing someone else is cheating then it is. It is then up to you both to decide how you want to move on.

Now kissing doesn't make you a "bad person", but as I think you realise is usually an activity kept to your partner (if you have one).

Put this behind you. One time when you are both OAPs, tell him.

Sleipnir

well at least you feel guilty about it!

Call it a silly indescretion and learn the lesson.

Sleepy

Yes, of course it's cheating. Best thing to do is just bury it in the past and leave it there. Don't dwell on it, just go back to the way things were. If you start acting funny round the boyfriend he'll know something happened on that weekend away so it's best to just be normal. Easier said than done, I know but why whould he suffer for your mistakes?

If it was someone he knew, or something he was in a position to find out about I'd advise telling him but seeing as it was on a weekend away, nothing overly serious happened and you seem to regret it massively, there's no point in putting him through needless pain and anguish.

Just my 2c.

Zulu

Yes it was. (why did you bother asking?)

Here are some simple guidlines:
If it feels like your cheating - you are.
If you feel guilty - you are.

When dealing with similar situations - reverse the roles, how would you feel if he did it you you.

Personally, I think you feel the guilt you deserve.
Sorry - but I have no sympathy for you what-so-ever. You say he's the one for you - but you treat him like that!?! You shouldn't have put yourself in the situation. As for the married guy...

:rolleyes:

I'm sure his wife would love that.

maybe

i know that it won't happen again but do you think that I should be honest with him & tell him what happened

Sleipnir

in a word, NO.

maybe

Originally posted by Sleipnir
in a word, NO.

But I can't even look at him with out thinking about what I did..... I can't believe I was sssoooo stupid....

Zulu

Originally posted by maybe
i know that it won't happen again but do you think that I should be honest with him & tell him what happened

That depends - if you can be sure he dosen't find out - don't mention a word

...but if he finds out later - you'll be feiced. Can you trust your girlfriends? I'll assume you can - so say nothing and be SUPER nice to him, you owe him big at this stage.

Lainey

if you tell him you may feel bit better.. less guilty.. but he will be the one hurting.. put it behind you.. there is nothing you can do about it now

DukeDredd

You could tell him, he'll go ape over it but like was said already it's up to him whether to stay in the relationship or not. If you feel this guilty about it then yes it was cheating. Also consider the fact that if you tell him then any future weekends with your mates will fill his head with thoughts of what you're up to.

Victor

Originally posted by Sleepy
Yes, of course it's cheating. Best thing to do is just bury it in the past and leave it there. Don't dwell on it, just go back to the way things were. If you start acting funny round the boyfriend he'll know something happened on that weekend away so it's best to just be normal.

But make it up to him at some random stage in the future

Sleipnir

Originally posted by maybe
But I can't even look at him with out thinking about what I did..... I can't believe I was sssoooo stupid....

a kiss is just a kiss as the song goes. For that, I think dealing with your conscience is enough.

maybe

Originally posted by Lainey
if you tell him you may feel bit better.. less guilty.. but he will be the one hurting.. put it behind you.. there is nothing you can do about it now

Yeah true ... I never thought of it that way..... My friends didn't see if happen, so I'm ok from that point ..... & I guess I deserve to put up with the guilt ... thanks for not being too hard on me ......

Sleipnir

Unless of course you're my girlfriend in which case......

hang on,
together 4 years......
weekend away with the girls........


NOOOOOOOO!!!!

maybe

Originally posted by Sleipnir
Unless of course you're my girlfriend in which case......

hang on,
together 4 years......
weekend away with the girls........


NOOOOOOOO!!!!

Cheers Sleipnir.....

DrummerBoy

Originally posted by maybe
But I can't even look at him with out thinking about what I did..... I can't believe I was sssoooo stupid....

You need to tell him. You know you do. A relationship is based on trust. If you don't tell him eventually he will find out. (truth always comes out...ALWAYS) Better to tell him now and have a chance than ruin any other chance you might have.
Honest is the only way forward.
Trust me, I learned that the hard way and if I could do it all again I'd want to know the truth.
Wouldn't you?

Lainey

Originally posted by maybe
Yeah true ... I never thought of it that way..... My friends didn't see if happen, so I'm ok from that point ..... & I guess I deserve to put up with the guilt ... thanks for not being too hard on me ......

why should you worry about people being too hard on you.. you made a mistake, so your human.. so is everyone here.. you be fine.. next time you hear married man, run ha ha.. don't want a mad wife looking to wig ya..

GuanYin

Originally posted by maybe
But I can't even look at him with out thinking about what I did..... I can't believe I was sssoooo stupid....

If you really do some searching I'll bet you'll see that you're not wanting to tell him out of any great need for honesty, but because you think that if you tell him this horrible guilt that you're feeling will in someway be absolved. What you'll actually be doing is transferring all the crappiness and guilt you feel onto him in terms of anger.

If I were you, I'd forget about it, never tell him, learn to deal with whatever guilt and crap you feel. Frankly, its there because you deserve it.

DukeDredd

Was done to me once - i dumped her like a hot potato. I don't regret it for a second. Might have forgiven her if she told me straight up...one of her friends slipped up one night in the pub and it all came out!! You having to deal with your conscience doesn't fix anything. If you don't tell him i pity the poor guy and you making a fool out of him. I hope he finds out if you keep it from him.

tman

comment deleted

another quip like that tman and I'll be sending you to Bansville for a week
B

Zulu

Originally posted by DrummerBoy
You need to tell him. You know you do. A relationship is based on trust. If you don't tell him eventually he will find out. (truth always comes out...ALWAYS) Better to tell him now and have a chance than ruin any other chance you might have.
Honest is the only way forward.
Trust me, I learned that the hard way and if I could do it all again I'd want to know the truth.
Wouldn't you?

Telling him would be relationship suicide.
If you tell him, every time you get drunk, and are not by his side, he'll be thinking you've met another charming man, and getting stuck in. He's also doubt it was "just a kiss". If you think you might get caught - come clean, otherwise keep schtummm, say nothing.

Zulu

Originally posted by syke
If you really do some searching I'll bet you'll see that you're not wanting to tell him out of any great need for honesty, but because you think that if you tell him this horrible guilt that you're feeling will in someway be absolved. What you'll actually be doing is transferring all the crappiness and guilt you feel onto him in terms of anger.

If I were you, I'd forget about it, never tell him, learn to deal with whatever guilt and crap you feel. Frankly, its there because you deserve it.

Very good advice.

maybe

Originally posted by DukeDredd
Was done to me once - i dumped her like a hot potato. I don't regret it for a second. Might have forgiven her if she told me straight up...one of her friends slipped up one night in the pub and it all came out!! You having to deal with your conscience doesn't fix anything. If you don't tell him i pity the poor guy and you making a fool out of him. I hope he finds out if you keep it from him.

But there really is no way that something like that will happen ... he never meets the girls I was away with .. & I know I've made a mistake but wouldn't a ruin an otherwise perfect relationship because I was stupid .... I KNOW that it will NEVER EVER happen again....

Mighty_Mouse

Whats the point in telling if its not gonna happen again. FFS this was a drunken random mistake. If you expect to stay with your hubby whats the point in the two of ye hurting?
Your just being selfish because your not able to deal with the guilt.

Or tell him and finish it because you wish you were single ................either way....theres not much middle ground here!

D

Well if you were to tell him what happened, and that it was foolish and that you feel so guilty and that you now know that it will never happen again, and he stuck by you, then you know you have a good thing.

I don't know how he'd react, but I personally would like to be told the truth and know about it. It would show your respect for your boyfriend if you told him. Plus you have to consider the prospect that if you feel this guilty now to talk about it here then it might get worse as time goes on.

Like Lainey said there is nothing you can do about it and it is entirely possible that your relationship could continue to flourish without telling him.

Ultimately it is your decision, what is said here is only a sounding board for your thoughts, you might have already made up your mind on a sub-concious level.

The best thing would for people to have experienced this type of situation before and all the alternative outcomes to talk about their experiences. I myself found out about my girlfriend (ex) cheated on me and it was terrible, I felt like such a fool, I felt that she had used me. She dumped with a text message after a year of us being together, I won't go on as it is not exactly the same as your situation since you are determined to stay with your boyfriend. But since then I have always valued truth so much more.

Anyone else with experiences of this type of situation, different perspectives and outcomes would be best.

Grimlock

You need to tell him.

No you don't! The worst thing you could possibly do right now is tell him.
You made a mistake and you feel guilty now, as you should.
So while telling him will make you feel better, he'll hurt like hell and you'll lose any trust in your relationship.
You've already said it'll never happen again, so leave it in the past,
If you genuinely mean that then there is no point in ruining the trust between you.
if it hurts then let that be a reminder incase you are ever tempted again.

If you were my girlfriend and you meant that you'd never do it again, then i'd prefer not to know.
Ignorance is bliss!
just my €0.02

maybe

Originally posted by D
Well if you were to tell him what happened, and that it was foolish and that you feel so guilty and that you now know that it will never happen again, and he stuck by you, then you know you have a good thing.

I don't know how he'd react, but I personally would like to be told the truth and know about it. It would show your respect for your boyfriend if you told him. Plus you have to consider the prospect that if you feel this guilty now to talk about it here then it might get worse as time goes on.

Like Lainey said there is nothing you can do about it and it is entirely possible that your relationship could continue to flourish without telling him.

Ultimately it is your decision, what is said here is only a sounding board for your thoughts, you might have already made up your mind on a sub-concious level.

The best thing would for people to have experienced this type of situation before and all the alternative outcomes to talk about their experiences. I myself found out about my girlfriend (ex) cheated on me and it was terrible, I felt like such a fool, I felt that she had used me. She dumped with a text message after a year of us being together, I won't go on as it is not exactly the same as your situation since you are determined to stay with your boyfriend. But since then I have always valued truth so much more.

Anyone else with experiences of this type of situation, different perspectives and outcomes would be best.

Thanks for your post D ..... it's helped me make up my mind ... I'm not going to tell him... I love him & I want to be with him & nothing or no one is going to change that...
I guess I have to just live with it...

D

Whoa there was a lot posted since i started posting, from your later posts though it sounds like you've already made up your mind not to tell him, and you are just looking for someone to qualify that train of thought.

D

Damn i must be a slow typer! Glad you came to a decision, hopefully you will now value your boyfriend more and realise that drunken kisses aren't worth it.

Make him happy.

maybe

Originally posted by D
Damn i must be a slow typer! Glad you came to a decision, hopefully you will now value your boyfriend more and realise that drunken kisses aren't worth it.

Make him happy.

You can say that again .... I never thought that I could feel so S@itty about doing something .... never again....

DukeDredd

How the hell do you know that it won't happen again? I bet you would have said it would never happen before you went away for the weekend. How can you continue a trusting relationship if you keep things like this from him?

DukeDredd

Can't believe the amount of people that are feeling SORRY for you like it was done to you! He'll find out...things like this never disappear...

kaimera

ok, so you made your decision but yes it was cheating.

a little flirting is fine because noone gets hurt but once you go beyond that line...

I dont know your b/f but I know that if my g/f told me that, I would not take it well. I trust her with everything [except shaving me :dunno:]

you're stuck with your conscience...I just hope you dont get drunk one night and tell him. That will hurt more.

Sleipnir

Originally posted by DukeDredd
How the hell do you know that it won't happen again?

You don't. You just do the best you can.
It's not a REALLY HUGE mistake, it was a kiss. There's no excuse for it really but we all screw up every now and again. It's not worth risking a 4 year relationship over.
Not in my book anyway.

D

Duke she has made up her mind, you can't change it for her. Getting angry will only serve to alienate her, and she won't listen to your opinions.

DukeDredd

t's not worth risking a 4 year relationship over.

That should be left up to her b/f

Duke she has made up her mind, you can't change it for her.

Just speaking as someone who has been in this situation - the thought of not finding out about this being done to me does not bear thinking about. I know i wouldn't want to be with anyone willing to keep things like this from me. Her b/f wouldn't either.

niallith

i think you should tell him and face the consequences for wat u did, you obviously dont love him as much as you think you did and its mean to keep the truth from him,misleading him, but its your choice

Beruthiel

keep it civil please
B

maybe

Originally posted by DukeDredd
Can't believe the amount of people that are feeling SORRY for you like it was done to you! He'll find out...things like this never disappear...

I respect your opinion & I know what you're saying but I've seen things from this side now(cheater's side) & I don't ever want to be on this end again .... I've been cheated on myself & I always thought that it was easy for the cheater .... I'm starting to think a lot differently now ....

Sleipnir

Jeez you'd swear she holed up with the guy for a dirty weekend in vermont and then came crying back. She kissed a guy and then they went their separate ways.
I know if my g/f did that, I would prefer to never know about it. Sex would be a different story but this was just a kiss.

Thorbar

Personally I'd be more hurt by my girlfriend not telling me about kissing a guy, then the actual act of kissing. Don't get me wrong I'd be extremely pissed off with my girlfriend even if she confessed to it and I'd have some serious thinking to do about the relationship. I guess trust matters more to me then absolute fidelity but then every relationship is different. I respect my girl and I know for better or worst I'd have to tell her if I ever did anything with another girl. I don't let myself get into situations where I could potentially cheat on my girlfriend, we live in different cities so most nights I'm out I'm with the lads and if some girl comes up chatting to me I'll either rip the piss out of her, mention what I did with my girlfriend last weekend or tell her I'm as gay and start dry humping one of my mates.

As for advice for yourself I'd stick with your decision, you know what's best for your relationship. You've got to be commited if after 4 years you've only kissed one guy and you're having a major guilt trip. If you find yourself in a similar situation again I'd seriously consider be honest with your boyfriend, if you go around acting the tramp its going to get back to him and it'll be a hundred times harder on the poor bastard.

DukeDredd

I respect your opinion & I know what you're saying but I've seen things from this side now(cheater's side) & I don't ever want to be on this end again .... I've been cheated on myself & I always thought that it was easy for the cheater .... I'm starting to think a lot differently now ....

You're trying to make yourself feel better now by feeling sorry for yourself - won't work in the long term

maybe

Originally posted by niallith
i think you should tell him and face the consequences for wat u did, you obviously dont love him as much as you think you did and its mean to keep the truth from him,misleading him, but its your choice

It had nothing to do with not loving him as much ...nothing at all .. if you think that things like this happen because you don't love someone enough then you're very wrong....

DukeDredd

I've been cheated on myself

Which means at least you found out - which is alot more than what you are doing for the person you claim is "the one" - i assume this means you love him? Doesn't really look like it to me...

Imposter

Originally posted by maybe
i know that it won't happen again...

Do you? I presume you would have said that you'd never cheat on your boyfriend if asked before the trip, wouldn't you?

Here's a thread that had an interresting discussion on the subject until the mood changed!

Beruthiel

Originally posted by DukeDredd
You're trying to make yourself feel better now by feeling sorry for yourself - won't work in the long term

Duke
you've made your views fairly clear
lets just leave it at that shall we?
B