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previous subject line 2 harsh!

  • 02-05-2004 5:13pm
    #1
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,894
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    ok this could be a bit long-winded so i'll try to keep it as short as possible.

    basically when i was growing up i had a best friend of the opposite sex. i loved hanging out with him and we were together pretty much everyday. anyway as puberty set in there were some changes in our friendship but we were always close. we both fancied each other but at different times, just kids stuff. anyway we did get together when i was bout 14 and he was 15 but nothing else happened.....no boyfriend girlfriend stuff. so we were still pretty close and then he got together with this girl that moved into our street. it was cool at first, i ried being friends with her but she made it pretty clear that she didnt want me hanging around. anyway after a few months i could see that he was blowing me off a lot and we ended up drifting apart and he stopped speaking to me altogether. we didnt speak for the next three years........then they split up.

    so anyway we got back talking and hung out a bit and things were going really well. i went away for a year and we emailed and i called him a lot and it was all good. anyway while u was away he started going out with this girl and she sounded pretty cool and when i got back we talked about when i would meet her. me and him went out one night for a few drinks and had a great time. then we had a big chat about me meeting his new girlfriend. he asked me was i worried and i admitted i was because of what happened last time and he reassured me it would be fine that he wasnt going to lose me again (and apologised a million times for what happened) and that he told his girlfriend everything about me and she was looking forward to meeting me.

    anyway i was out with my sister one night and he was out with some of his mates the same night so we arranged to meet up later. me and my sister were pretty drunk when we got there and i only got to say hi for a minute but it was fine. she shook my hand and said she'd heard loads about me and it was nice to meet me. anyway there was other stuff going on with my sister so i left soon afterwards.

    that was in late september and i have spoken to him once since then. he moved in with the girlfriend and refuses to answer my calls (but answers when my phones on private but i didnt say anything in case he hangs up). i know for a fact that i didnt do or say anything stupid that night (despite my drunkeness) because i simply wasnt there long enough. its been months since this happened but it still irritates the hell out of me. im so confused as to why he's being like this. his brotehr told me that he barely speaks to his family anymore either.

    i feel like an idiot for letting him back into my life after so long and then having the same thing happen again! has this ever happened to anyone else?


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Comments

  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,658 The Sweeper
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    I say lose him, he sounds like an ass. Don't waste your time.

    Also, don't assume it's exclusively the influence of a jealous girlfriend that's caused his behaviour. She's met you what, once? Do you really assume that she's such a bunny boiler that she's exercising control over his right to see and speak to whomever he wishes? Are you so fabulous that she laid eyes on you and decided to lock him away in a tower?

    Perhaps he's painted you as a potential threat by constantly talking you up around his missus.

    "He told his girlfriend everything about me" - you know, sounds to me like he's just talked, and talked, and talked, oh all you. Perhaps she just got really sick of hearing about you and now reacts badly if she hears your name? Also, he asked you if you were worried about meeting his new girlfriend. Why would be worried? Is he implying that it's important that you should get her approval? And if so, why?

    There's a certain kind of man who thinks he can keep a woman interested by behaving as if he could have anyone else he wanted, and if she doesn't stay on her toes she's in deep trouble. Man like that, it's really useful to have an "old friend" to bandy about in conversation to his new squeeze.

    Oh hey - and if you're ringing him and then hanging up when he answers, would you blame his girlfriend if she were a little curious about where all these mystery phonecalls are coming from?

    The other thing could be that he carries a torch for you, always has, and just can't help himself.

    Either way, I'd say you'd be better off to clear the air with him next time you see him - face to face, no preamble, just bring it up, say you're pissed about it, and then leave it. Don't do it over the phone, and when you've said your piece don't push it. Some people aren't worth the effort.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 9,894 Chinafoot
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    Originally posted by Minesajackdaniels
    I say lose him, he sounds like an ass. Don't waste your time.

    Also, don't assume it's exclusively the influence of a jealous girlfriend that's caused his behaviour. She's met you what, once? Do you really assume that she's such a bunny boiler that she's exercising control over his right to see and speak to whomever he wishes? Are you so fabulous that she laid eyes on you and decided to lock him away in a tower?



    its just that it happened before and he told me afterwards that the girl thought i still fancied him and that made her uncomfortable. im not saying he's a saint in all this. i know that when it comes to love he gives 100% and puts the girl first. i think thats sweet but within reason.

    also i do not think im fabulous or believe that she has any reason to feel threatened by me. he was my friend and nothing more and he would have told her that. hence the confusion and the somewhat justified assumption that she has something to do with it.

    oh and as for the phonecall thing. i called him twice on a private number and these two occasions were spaced apart. i'm not some kind of stalker or anything. :rolleyes:

    anyway thanx for the response.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,616 ClareBear
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    Unfortunately people change....it's life and it sucks. Friends don't treat you like that. I know it's hard but the way he's treating you is just immature and there's no need for it. You're better off without him. Believe me, I know it's hard....especially when you were friends for such a long time and I'm sure you have some great memories but he's obviously changed. Don't beat yourself up over it, you did nothing wrong. No doubt he'll come running back to you if they split up :rolleyes:

    Just remember that if he was a true friend he wouldn't be treating you this way.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 9,894 Chinafoot
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    thanx clarebear. yea i know ur right. you'd think i'd be over it by now :rolleyes: :)

    and if he comings running back again i hope im strong enough to tell him to go take a running jump.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,637 joePC
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    Well look @ his situtation going out with someone and having a very close (girl) friend is always gona lead to trouble. I'd say why are you so bothered about this get yourself a boyfriend and forget about him, you have made the effort to contact him and he's not interested so get on with your own life.

    Thanks JoePC


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,658 The Sweeper
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    Okay, two points:
    he told me afterwards that the girl thought i still fancied him

    Why do you think she thought that?
    he was my friend and nothing more and he would have told her that.

    You sure?

    Look, I'm not jumping to the automatic defense of his girlfriend on the basis that she must be a lovely person and you must be an alleycat because you're trying to stay in touch with him.

    I'm saying that there are two sides to every story - and two main types of women. There are the girlfriends who'll say "Don't EVER mention THAT NAME in my presence!!" and the girlfriends who are comfortable with themselves and aren't paranoid. (I think it's sod's law that your boyfriend's ex-girlfriend is rarely "Marjorie Bumstead who worked down the garden centre", and is more likely to be "Sacha Golden-Thomas who was putting together a modelling portfolio and they split because she had to go to Paris for an extended shoot".)

    But I believe that the sort of bloke who's sufficiently emotionally immature to break contact with an old friend, and as you said most of his family, based on the relationship he's in, is the sort of bloke who's likely to play all sorts of little games, set people against each other and generally indulge in amateur dramatics - and bottom line is you're better to class him as "one of those pals who just drifts away".


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 9,894 Chinafoot
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    i'm bothered because we were best mates and you dont put girlfriends or boyfriends before ur mates (regardless of their sex)

    but fúck it ur right, he's not worth it.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 9,894 Chinafoot
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    Originally posted by Minesajackdaniels
    bottom line is you're better to class him as "one of those pals who just drifts away".

    yea very true. just head wrecking.......and men say we're hard to figure out.

    :D

    thanx


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 68,317 seamus
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    A lot of it has to do with territory marking. As MAJD says, some girls aren't comfortable with themselves, and so other females in their boyfriend's life makes them paranoid, particularly if they're an ex of any description.

    The act of then marking her territory can take any form between the extreme (Stopping him from ever seeing any of his female friends again, and getting in a huff if their names are even muttered) and the mild (A snide "what does she want?" when said girl texts, or general sarky remarks when she's mentioned).
    How much the boyfriend lets this infirgine on his friendship with the girl, is purely a function of his own assertiveness. Maybe he's insecure in himself, and so will go to any length to please his girlfriend.

    Either way, he may grow up or he may not, but it's not worth wasting your time worrying about why or how or when. Label him as one of those people wo'll drift in and out of your life, and get on with it. :)

    At least take from it that his girlfriend saw you as such a serious threat that she went to those extreme lengths. Says a lot for your attractiveness ;)


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 9,894 Chinafoot
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    Originally posted by seamus
    Says a lot for your attractiveness ;)


    hahah not AT ALL! just says a lot about her state of mind.........trust me!


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 17,163 Boston
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    Originally posted by peachypants
    yea very true. just head wrecking.......and men say we're hard to figure out.

    :D

    thanx

    Its men your talking about, stop looking for a complex answer when a simple one will do. He still has a thing for you, and he can't bear to be pulled in two directions, I.e. have you as a friend and have a girl friend. That's the only answer and the logical one. He has feelings he doesn't want to have and the solution is to remove the source of those emotions, yourself. Its the price you pay for ever having a thing with a friend.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 9,894 Chinafoot
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    Originally posted by Boston
    Its the price you pay for ever having a thing with a friend.

    ah now here it was almost 7 years ago! it couldnt even be classed as a "thing" and i honestly dont think he has feelings for me at all.

    but all the advice is taken on board and very much appreciated.

    :)


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,399 WetDaddy
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    Hmmmm... This post has made me look at the Personal Issues board in a new light. I've always been of the opinion that in order to make a informed decision on a situation, you need to hear both sides of the story. However, here it's quite different...

    On boards, you can't really interrupt someone when their explaining something and kinda go "wait, so was it like this or like this?" as you would in normal conversation. Instead, you get what very often can be (not pointing the finger here) one-sided pent up rage or emotion spilled out onto the keyboard.

    So, very often, in order to form a cotent view on the debate, you need to have actually been there.

    Anyway, I'm not gonna take sides, just gonna give my views!

    i know for a fact that i didnt do or say anything stupid that night (despite my drunkeness) because i simply wasnt there long enough

    Are you sure it mightn't have been just that? i.e. What you didn't say? Or the effort you didn't make? You were fairly drunk now, remember...

    I'm not accusing you of anything, I'm just saying what I think may be part of the problem.


    Anyway, I think the bottom-line is that people can be very stubborn sometimes. I'm currently in a situation myself where I just can't get through to someone who I know to be extremely stubborn. All I need is that first bit of communication, and then with a relaxed temper, we could both sort the problem out.

    It sounds to me like that's what you two need. And I know you're trying to make that first step, and it can be frustrating. But you never know, maybe posting the problem on boards will help towards the problem in a round-about way.

    I think it's something that could be sorted out with level-headed, honest conversation. Very often, both parties need to swallow some pride or deal with the fact that they've both made mistakes. I hope you guys get to that situation.

    Then again, who I am to say, I'm just some guy... ;)


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 9,894 Chinafoot
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    well if i did do something that he wasnt happy about i think that i should have been told. if we had've been the good friends we claimed to be then we would have been able to talk about it. ignoring my calls isnt very mature.

    i honestly dont think that we would ever be friends again....not properly anyway. its been too long and i have tried and tried to contact him and it is frustrating. i only ever wanted an explanation.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,399 WetDaddy
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    Oh, and with all due respect to many people posting on this thread, don't assume anything.

    Those of you stating things like "He obviously still likes you" etc., are actually hindering the situation. Better off saying things like "Maybe he still has feelings for you".

    I don't think it's a girlfriend-saying-don't-see-her situation.

    And no, before anyone asks, I'm not "the guy"... :)


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 17,163 Boston
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    Originally posted by peachypants
    ah now here it was almost 7 years ago! it couldnt even be classed as a "thing" and i honestly dont think he has feelings for me at all.

    but all the advice is taken on board and very much appreciated.

    :)

    He clearly does have feelings towards you, otherwise he wouldn't treat you this way. He doesn't return your calls because its causes him pain, he cares enough that the only way he can deal with it is by totally shutting you out. From a male prospective this is major. Most of us can bull**** our way through life,love and casual friends. Maybe he doesn't love you, but trust me there is something there. And no man is going to told by his new partner to ditch his closest friends, that soon into a relationship. You have to deal with this, otherwise you will always wonder if the next person you get involved with and start to trust is going to pull the exact same thing. we can sit here and give you all the reasons why it might have happened, but its all just our opinion, this is mine and majd is her's.

    O and despite what you may believe, males can, and often do, get just as involved emotionally in a "thing" as the female.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,399 WetDaddy
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    Don't you just love when you're posting at the same time as someone? All the thread order and logic gets confused... Hooray! :)

    It does sound like you're making most of the effort. In fact, I'm pretty certain that's what it is. Maybe "someone" will pass the message onto "someone else" about this whole thing, hopefully that way it can get sorted... :)


    -Someone


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 9,894 Chinafoot
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    Originally posted by deathfunk





    Or the effort you didn't make? You were fairly drunk now, remember...


    yes i was fairly drunk.....and as for the effort i didnt make, the girl was sitting in the corner of a packed pub. it was kinda difficult to make conversation. and if that is the reason as to why we no longer talk then i think thats a bit harsh.

    if i did something wrong i will hold my hand up and admit to it and try to sort it out. however, i need to be made aware of it in this case. i'm not a mindreader.


    anyway, theres no point in even discussing this anymore, just came to mind today when i was sorting out my photos......silly eh?

    thanx anyway


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 9,894 Chinafoot
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    well someone.....as ur the inside man do u actually think theres any point?

    hes not interested.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,399 WetDaddy
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    however, i need to be made aware of it in this case. i'm not a mindreader.

    I totally agree with you.

    Also, I think that somehow(!), knowledge of the whole situation has been passed onto the other party. And I think it's been passed on in a totally neutral fashion. And I also hope that whoever(!) did pass it on wasn't overstepping their boundries.

    Good luck with the whole thing.


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 17,163 Boston
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    Originally posted by peachypants
    well if i did do something that he wasnt happy about i think that i should have been told. if we had've been the good friends we claimed to be then we would have been able to talk about it. ignoring my calls isnt very mature.


    Thats when things hurt the most! It could be anything, it might not even be a girlfriend, it could be a time when he needed you and you wearen't there, it could be nothing that just grew and grew. Remember you weren't around for a while to talk to about this. unfortunately you can't rush him on this, you just have to give it time and hope things heal. Maybe he will one day pick up the phone and get in contact again, like I did with my closest friend. As the saying goes, if you love something let it go, if it comes backs it's yours forever.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 9,894 Chinafoot
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    cheers sean.......ooops sorry.....mr. x (far more mysterious)

    :)


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,399 WetDaddy
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    cheers sean.......ooops sorry.....mr. x (far more mysterious)

    Hee-hee... :D

    No problem, Steph. I hope you guys can sort it out. Even if it doesn't get back to the way it was, at least there'll be no bad beef on either side.

    And honestly, I really don't know that much about the situation, apart from the fact that I was there that "last" night.

    Take care!


  • Moderators, Computer Games Moderators Posts: 4,569 Ivan
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    It is possible that she is a manipulative whore. That he is the type of man to go for girls who will screw with his head.

    Taking all this into account she may see you as a threat and as such has directed him that its you (as in the original poster) or me (as in the girlfriend).

    Its also possible that he is a complete idiot.

    In either case, he's not worth it. It may be difficult, but try to accept the fact that the guy is a muppet.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 9,894 Chinafoot
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    Originally posted by Ivan
    It is possible that she is a manipulative whore. That he is the type of man to go for girls who will screw with his head.

    Taking all this into account she may see you as a threat and as such has directed him that its you (as in the original poster) or me (as in the girlfriend).

    Its also possible that he is a complete idiot.

    In either case, he's not worth it. It may be difficult, but try to accept the fact that the guy is a muppet.

    i think thats a bit harsh, i dont know her at all but i dont think he'd be with a manipulative person.
    also im not a threat to anyone and like deathfunk already said.....its not a case of her telling him not to see me.

    but everyone is entitled to their own opinion and i appreciate the response.


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