bad date to post that

LegacyUser

I don't blame you at all for putting my last post in the recycle bin. It *was* very cynical, but I guess it wasn't until after I posted it that I saw the date, April 1st, not a great date for getting things off you chest!

Somebody replied to me and mentioned their brother who slit his wrists, and gave out to me for being to flippant about it all. What I was really trying to do I suppose was just laugh at myself, rather than other people. It's just that I've thought about it a lot, so much so that I end up thinking about all the little details that people normally don't ever talk about.

You know, somebody that's about to kill themselves has to stop and think about these things! Suicide note? Who am I going to write one to? What if I write one to my parents and also my ex-girlfriend, but I don't want my parents reading the one to my ex? How do I work that? I know for a fact they'll open every envelope I leave behind. I can't post them, what if I decide not to go through with it and they still get the letter? (of course with the current postal system that won't be a problem)

I mentioned my job earlier, in reality my job isn't so bad. It's not amazing, it *is* a dead end job, but it doesn't make me depressed. In fact if anything going into my job cheers me up because other people are talking to me and I'm not lonely while I'm there.

It's the ex-girlfriend that's probably the worst bit. Of course you've heard it all before, guy meets the most amazing person in his life ever. Except in my case I was stupid enough to dump her before I realised this. She's still talking to me now (she's a great person!) but she's never going to get back with me, in fact she's talking to me a lot less recently altogether, that's my fault though, not hers.

Since I figured all this out I've just felt like I've become a shell. All my good traits have been drained out of me, I'm no longer confident, witty, funny or attractive. Any advice I hear just ends up confirming my own outlook. There's nothing else out there for me. Nobody will ever replace her, I made the biggest mistake in my life. Imagine winning the lotto and losing your ticket.

I won't meet anybody else like her, I've been out with a lot of people, it never got nearly that good with anybody else. Anybody here who's married will understand me probably. It's that life partner thing, you can't really explain it in words.

So, what to do? I'm just constantly numbed by this incredible loss. Of course compared to most people that post here I'm doing alright, so I expect a lot of replies reminding me of this. Trust me, I know this, but that doesn't change how a person feels.

I'm not really looking for advice here because (not so sound egotistical here) I've heard all the replies before. It's therapy to type this all out though, knowing somebody else will read it. It's good to know other humans are around at times like these.

Beruthiel

I put you post in the recycle bin, I apologize for that. In saying that, I did validate it initially from the queue because your post had a ring of truth about it. A lot of people who posted comments seemed to think you were taking the piss and when you didn’t reply to the topic, as time went on I binned it. I suppose it’s hard to imagine that someone who feels like you do at the moment has the strength to have some humor as well, black and all as it is. Would you not say, that if you can still have a sense of humor about these things that there is still a chance that you could get back to the way you were? With time and perhaps some sessions with a councilor you are sure to bounce back, I truly believe that.
As for you ex girlfriend, I don’t want to give you any false hope, you make it sound definite that she will not get back with you, however you do need to get it off your chest and tell her how you feel. If she was to read this post I think she would have something to think about. She cannot miss the fact that she means an awful lot to you, but as I said, no false hope. Perhaps if you can just make the effort to talk to a professional and then decide what your next step with your ex and your life, you could put off any permanent actions until then? Surely you owe yourself that much? What difference will some more time be and if you take those positive steps, perhaps there is a chance, don’t you think it’s worth taking the risk to see? Aren’t you and the people you love worth that?

Do not think you are alone in how you feel, all of us can say we’ve had some really bad patches, I know I have, but your reaction to them is the big decider. Do I lie down and just take it or do I drag my ass through another day in the hopes that tomorrow could be better. I have discovered that time fixes just about everything, sometimes it does take longer than others but eventually you will come out the other side a better, stronger more rounded person because of it.
Keep posting here for now and please think about seeing someone asap
anna

Havelock

Un26, I've made a load of mistakes in my life, but I made them, suffered for them and in time gotten over them. We all have, I know what you mean about a lotto win person. I have one now, but she doesn't feel the same way about me. That tears me up alot, but she broke up with me at Christmas time, and only my friends presence kept me going. I was so depressed about it I got stress related illness (cysts etc). She has decided to continue going out with me and it is teniuos relationship. But I know how you feel, I've been there and will likly be there again. Don't do something so irreversalbe to your life, I don't know if you read my reply to your last post, but I said it before, I've considered it many time and most days I am so glad I didn't go through with it, I am sick with fear of the thought of wanting to do it again. If you do need to vent or shout or what ever, there are some people here who will listen to what you have to say. they've helped me and we've helped each other in the past. We'll be here for you too if you want.

nads

i was like that once, i just bottled it up and up - did the trick unusually, even to my surprise.
I think guys also miss 'it' rather than the girl too, but not in this case i assume?
One things for sure, don't do anything stupid over a woman, don't mean to patronise you but you said it's the 'worst bit' of it

Sleepy

un26, as one of those that replied thinking you were taking the piss, I apologise.

I don't have much advise to offer you but I can empathise with your situation, to be honest I'm very similar myself. With me, the thoughts of suicide are only fleeting, though in my darker moods, ending it all can seem like the best way out. I honestly believe the only reason I'm still alive is because I couldn't do it to my mother. I've seen first-hand what a suicide can do to a family and it's destroyed some of my family irreversibly so I've come to think of it as a selfish way out: ending my own misery by increasing that of those around me.

You're not alone in how you feel. Look around you, the media is even starting to pick up on it. Our generation has become quite aimless, we've no great wars to fight, no major recession, no culture like that of our parents where you married and had kids early, giving you something to live for. I find it something very positive to think about. Whilst I can't think of myself finding someone right now, I can perfectly picture holding a child in my arms and having something to live, or (rather perversely give the nature of this topic) die, for.

I know exactly what you mean about the lottery ticket win in finding someone that amazing. I've been there and it sounds like I did the exact same thing as you: threw away that lottery ticket. Still, I've never believed that there's just one person out there. The next person I'll fall in love with could be writing something like this now, could be living on the far side of the world, could even be married right now but I believe there's more out there for me and I believe there's more out there for you too.

There was a great article in last weeks Sunday Independant about this. The quarter-life crisis. No real answers in it, just comfort in knowing you're not alone.

LegacyUser

Was going to post this regged, but i cba putting up with people reactions.


I thought your last post was quite serious, albeit in a funny mode of delivery.

I've often spent a few days pondering the mechanics of suicide and your post touched on a lot of the points i'd thought of, and indeed was in a similar light tone that I'd adopt when discussing it.

I find the sensation comes in waves, at least i has done with me for years, I have a few months of feeling fine , then BAM you wake up and the first thing that pops into your head is "will i finally do it today" and despite all outward appearances you feel like its your only real solid option, everything else in life feels like grasping at smoke.

Of course compared to most people that post here I'm doing alright, so I expect a lot of replies reminding me of this. Trust me, I know this, but that doesn't change how a person feels.

My life isnt actually that bad at all, I dont lack for anything, i always have cash in my pocket, none of it makes a difference
I'm pretty much outside of society atm anyway, no real human interaction bar at work, or ordering a pint (on critical self-analysis i suspect i've done this on purpose over the last few years in preparation) and cant relate to what other people consider a good life. when the mood hits me I cant think of anything else but the utter futility of my existance and consider myself an utter waste of resources. (not in an angsty teen way, but on a sober, cold stocktaking of my day to day existance)

In general I find that weighing out the repercussions and practicalities of doing it are enough to make me reconsider, but i always feel that its a societal guilt trip thats really stopping me, as opposed to any fear/doubt on my part about my convictions. It'd tear up my family if i did kill myself as we had a suicide in the family a few years ago (I remember being pissed off that he'd beaten me to it and cased me to forestall my own plans). So in essence i'm merely stalling until my convictions outweigh my desires not to upset my family.

The reasoning behing it seems quite solid to me,I have no desire to procreate, i'm generally disgusted with the state of society in general. I derive little pleasure from drinking/drugs anymore, I cant see a future i want to live in coming along any time soon.
As you said "Since I figured all this out I've just felt like I've become a shell"

not sure if this really helps you either way, but i truly do know where you're coming from.
sorry about the rambling nature of the post I hadn't planned on going into it so much

RossFixxxed

And then when you least expect it, after you've given up someone/something comes along and you think "thank god I didn't do it."

Sure you've heard it all before, and so have I. But I'm right. Keep ploughing on and in a few months time come back and tell us how things are going. I guarantee you'll want to buy me a drink.

Things take time. Try writing/painting/music/singing/martial arts/exercise. Find something you're good at, you'll meet people.

For this girl: go try it. Take positive action. REGRET WHAT YOU DO, NOT WHAT YOU DON'T. Do not end up sitting around moping, feeling sorry for yourself thinking "if only i did x, or I should have done y." If it doesn't work out, it wasn't meant to be, this way you know.

Don't be another idiot statistic (I've lost a friend this way so I do know).

Now see you soon for that drink.

Ross

LegacyUser

Originally posted by Beruthiel
As for you ex girlfriend, I don’t want to give you any false hope, you make it sound definite that she will not get back with you, however you do need to get it off your chest and tell her how you feel.

Unfortunately I already have and she's not interested. It's my own fault though, I wouldn't realistically expect her to get back with me after I dumped her. It's common sense on her part really.

Beruthiel

Originally posted by un26
Unfortunately I already have and she's not interested. It's my own fault though, I wouldn't realistically expect her to get back with me after I dumped her. It's common sense on her part really.

well then, you've done your best, so hard and all as it is, and it is hard, it's chin up and taking one day at a time. There is no room in anyones life for regrets, they mess with your head and for what? it's in the past, there is nothing you can do with it now, it's not possible to go back and fix what might have been, all you can do now is live for today.

phaxx

Originally posted by RossFixxxed
Take positive action. REGRET WHAT YOU DO, NOT WHAT YOU DON'T.

Just thought I'd repeat this point to hammer it home. I wish I'd learned it earlier

Sleepy

Regret whatever you like. Just don't let your regrets about the past hold too much sway over your present. Carpe diem.

Bottle_of_Smoke

you tried counselling?

Kell

Hey,

un26, did you tend to suffer from suicidal/depressive tendencies before the breakup? Sounds to me like you're you're going through a sort of bereavement stage at the loss of the most important thing in your life, which is not surprising really. Think of it in terms of someone that close to you dying and what you would be experiencing as a result. I think you will find that it comes pretty close to what you are feeling at the moment i.e. depressed, suicidal, worthless etc, feelings all borne out of a great loss.

You will, trust me on this, get to a stage where you accept the loss and get on with it, but until that happens just try and get on with things as best you can. No-one can tell you exactly how you are going to achieve that but certainly there are people who can support you in the process. There are obviously counsellors in the mainstream but if you want info on non mainstream methods of letting go of her PM me.

Again, it just sounds like you are having difficulty letting her go, not surprsingly, and it is just a matter of time before you can really let her go and all the pain that goes with it before you can be the person you want to be and used to be.

K-

seaghdhas

I was a couple of minutes from slitting my wrists when I was twelve. I decided against it. But... I had snuck a blade into my pocket and quietly went out behind a wall where I wouldn't have been found for hours.

At 25, I've grown, broadened and moved around quite a bit. I'm NOT a professional counseller, but physically putting myself somewhere else where it would be difficult to go back made me develop a different outlook. Having lived in one town virtually all my life, I went away around seven years ago and left everyone and everything there. I don't think continuously moving around is a universal answer, but the going to one place and feeling a certain way, then going somewhere else and feeling somehow else is a psycological fact. It worked for me; going back to my home town doesn't make me feel the best (although this effect is diminishing), and going somewhere else allows me to think about the possibilities.

Nothing is overnight, though. But dwelling on the past isn't a help.