What would you do?

uberwolf

My little sister (16) is seeing a 21 year old polish dude at mo, not been going on for a long time. She doesn't know we know, she has told my parents that he is 17 and going to school locally. It can't really reveal how we found this out so the reaction has to reflect that we don't know (if you follow).

So what to do?

seamus

Don't discourage it. It'll only make her want to stay with him more.

I'd say leave it alone. It'll fizzle out pretty quickly. Make sure she knows exactly what he's after though, and make sure she's aware of the law.

Beruthiel

is she sexually active with him? no 21 year old is going to hang around if she's not

is there any chance on you having a quiet word in his ear regarding this?

I know seamus is correct, in so far, the more you try to talk her out of it, the more she will go for it. Rock and a hard place tbh, but as he is probably much more experienced in this area than her, perhaps she will feel the pressure on her own....

Turner

When is she 17 ?

If shes just turned 16 id be calling around to his house with my favourite baseball bat.

uberwolf

It struck me that he may not know what age she is.

and as for the 21 yr old, I started going out with my GF when I was 21 and I know what I wanted. I was 2nd yr in college thouigh, she's only in transition yr. And she isn't sexually active yet.

I don't know him or have any contact details save for getting his phone number off her phone.

Beruthiel

Originally posted by uberwolf
when I was 21 and I know what I wanted

are you close to her, can you tell her that?

uberwolf

Originally posted by Beruthiel
are you close to her, can you tell her that?

she can't find out how we know, ergo that we know at all...
pain in the hole which confuses the issue. But intervention of some sort is needed than?

Beruthiel

Originally posted by uberwolf
she can't find out how we know, ergo that we know at all...

why not? if it was my daughter (same age as your sis) I'd just tell her right out that I know, and I would also ask why the big secret, is she trying to hid something, I would then proceed to explain what 21 year olds expect

in fact, I have already had this discussion with her last month, funnily enough....

deja vu...

seamus

Originally posted by Beruthiel
why not? if it was my daughter (same age as your sis) I'd just tell her right out that I know, and I would also ask why the big secret, is she trying to hid something, I would then proceed to explain what 21 year olds expect

Yep, that's what I'd think. How you know is irrelevant. Maybe it'd be best if you spoke to her, act is if you're the only one who knows. Being closer to her age and being her brother, it wouldn't be as horrible for her as if she thought your parents knew.

Idbatterim

Bloody hell, i dont have a sister but i can imagine how you must feel. I know a few posts have said dont do anything itll just bring them closer, but i wouldnt have the restraint. Shes 16! 16! The guy is a bloody paedophile, i mean an 18 and 21 year old is just about ok in my opinion. This is if he knows her true age like you said. Get his number from her phone book and ring him and explain the situation to him, let him know she is 16, if he knows this or dosnt care then id seriously consider taking some serious action!If i were you the thoughts of what he could be doing to her would make me sick!

Sleepy

How is it that you know his age? Have you been reading her diary or something?

Presumably if she's told your parents he's 17, they've seen him? Just say something to her along the lines of: "are ya sure he's only 17, cos he looks a lot older to me...". Or you could claim you saw him producing his passport when asked for ID outside a club you were queueing for too...

Everyone's contactable uberwolf, just make sure you don't leave any evidence of your contact that he can show to her. That'll just give her the "us against the world" attitude that's such an aphrodisiac to young people.

Now, all that said. Not every 21 year old just wants sex. I know people that are in relationships for months (1 or 2 even over a year) that haven't had sex with each other.

Best approach is to try and subtly influence your sister about not doing anything silly that she's not ready for. Say it like that and you may as well book them the honeymoon suite of a hotel and hand them the key. What might work (though you might want to discuss this with your parents before doing it) is to go to the family planning clinic and get some of the extra large condoms (or basically the scariest lookin' yokes you can get your hands on) and put them into a regular condom box. Give em to her and tell her you don't think she should be doing anything at her age but if she's going to that she should be safe. A 16 year old's curiosity will have her opening one of the condoms to have a look at it as soon as she's behind her locked bedroom door and hopefully that should scare her out of having sex for a couple of years yet

The Corinthian

Pay him a visit with two bricks and an iron bar.

littlemiss

The thing is that you don't know your sisters feelings on the matter. Obviously she knows your parents wouldn't approve hence the secrecy. You might know what a 21 year old male is thinking but chances are your sister hasn't a clue. You tend to be a lot more idealistic and naive at 16 than you think you are.
Your Mum or someone else who might be suitable preferably female (not a concerned older brother) should sit her down and have a good chat like Beruthiel suggested. The more open she is to discussion the less likely she will make a decision she regrets. She should also be told it is okay to say no.

What I am wondering is why a 21 year old would be interested in a 16 year old? A huge jump in maturity.

seaghdhas

I've a 16 year old sister and if I was aware she was seeing a 21 year old, I'd be very wary. I'm 25 now and remember what most 21 year olds were (and in fact still are) like. I also remember I wasn't like most of them myself. But I didn't actually know anyone who was interested in a 16 year old even for the conversation.

uberwolf

The old pair said it to her last night. (I don't live there so this is 2nd hand).

They started asking her re: him. First she admitted he was Polish, then they started pushing it and she caved evantually and admitted his age and how they met (one of her workmates gave him her number without telling her) The displeasure and concern re: the age gap was expressed at some length, and it was made clear that it wasn't going to be allowed. She had to text him and explain that she wasn't to see him again because of the age gap. Whats more my old fella is calling into him and emphasising that they mean it. the mother is furiuos with the 21 year old work mate who saw no problems giving out a 16 year olds phone number to a 21 yr old and is going to have words with her as well.

At least thats what I picked up from a brief phone call this morning,

Nuttzz

What I am wondering is why a 21 year old would be interested in a 16 year old?

why do you think Britney Spears "hit me baby one more time" video was such as hit?

seamus

Originally posted by uberwolf
the mother is furiuos with the 21 year old work mate who saw no problems giving out a 16 year olds phone number to a 21 yr old and is going to have words with her as well.

Yeah, that's absolutely not on. If anyone deserves a smacking in this scenario......

littlemiss

I wouldn't be too impressed with the workmate either. Thats a nasty thing to do, what kind of thing must have been going throught her head to give out your sisters number to an older guy or any stranger without asking first. I hope that guy gets the message.

Mercury_Tilt

This post has been deleted.

Typedef

When I was sixteen, I'm sure if all I had been doing was seeing a 21 year old chick, my mother would have been couting her blessings.


I'd agree with Seamus on this. Efforts to curtail this seeing of an older fella will most likely fail misreably and backfire.

Laissez faire, at some point you have to learn to trust the judgement of your sister anyway, so if she's moving into the territory of seeing adult males, the best thing to do is encourage her to be responible, rather then trying to force her into being the baby, you chaps see her as, because it *never* works and *frequently* will only push her to do more of this sort of thing, but, in ever more rebellious cycles.

Eventually if you keep treating her as a baby, she's not going to want to have anything to do with you.

Also : You might consider breaking his knees with a baseball bat and selling him on into white slavery as a caustrato, living room entertainer.

skipn_easy

Maybe I'm being naive, but isn't it possible that he likes her and she's more mature than her age and she likes him too. Everything doesn't come down to sex, he may be perfectly willing to wait until she's ready, she may already be ready, or have done it already.

It comes down to letting her make her own mistakes, and being responsible for herself. 16 year olds aren't that innocent, and I'm sure she's well aware that he's probably interested in sex. That doesn't mean that she won't be able to say no - thats presuming that they have a proper relationship.

Oh and how people can even consider beating him up is beyond me... he's not done anything wrong unless he's sleeping with her.

Boston

Hmm, Typedef, problem is for lads the legal age is 16, but its 17 for girls. Whats the Worst that can happen if an impressionable male gets involved with a mature woman? broken heart? alot of experience. A girl on the otehr hand can and probably would get into alot of trouble.

seamus

Originally posted by Boston
Hmm, Typedef, problem is for lads the legal age is 16, but its 17 for girls. Whats the Worst that can happen if an impressionable male gets involved with a mature woman? broken heart? alot of experience. A girl on the otehr hand can and probably would get into alot of trouble.

Legal age is 17 for both.

Beruthiel

Originally posted by skipn_easy
he's not done anything wrong unless he's sleeping with her

unless he’s a eunuch, that’s exactly what he wants to do

Joeface

actually there is more to the rule about under age sex that the age , both concenting parts have age limits , a person of 21 or more can not legally sleep with a 16 year , every though they are both over the consent age, the 21 year is seen in the eyes of the law as been more worldy and my have unnessary influence over the teen, so a second age requirement is add that if one is over 21 the other must be 18.I must also point out that this law is rarely enforced.........

U should probably confront the polish guy in a civil manner and ask him to leave her so can make some start to her life , if he is serious out it he can wait

The Corinthian

Originally posted by skipn_easy
Maybe I'm being naive, but isn't it possible that he likes her and she's more mature than her age and she likes him too. Everything doesn't come down to sex, he may be perfectly willing to wait until she's ready, she may already be ready, or have done it already.

One second...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Hold on...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Almost done...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Right. I think you may be giving them both more credit than is realistically possible in this plane of existence.

seamus

Originally posted by Joeface
actually there is more to the rule about under age sex that the age , both concenting parts have age limits , a person of 21 or more can not legally sleep with a 16 year , every though they are both over the consent age, the 21 year is seen in the eyes of the law as been more worldy and my have unnessary influence over the teen, so a second age requirement is add that if one is over 21 the other must be 18.I must also point out that this law is rarely enforced.........

Uh.....no....
Age of consent is age of consent. As I said, age of conesnt in Ireland is 17 for both parties. Maybe you're thinking of another country.

Unless you have links to the relevant legislation?

Boston

Originally posted by seamus
Legal age is 17 for both.

Right you are, I was confusing it with lesbian legal age with is apparently 15.

Beruthiel

TC
you know it’s not nice to laugh at naivety! ww)

littlemiss

16 year olds aren't that innocent, and I'm sure she's well aware that he's probably interested in sex.


I hate to break it to you but 16 year olds can be that innocent. Sure they know all about sex and think they know everything and some aren't that innocent but they son't know as much as a 21 year old. I did my leaving at 16 and started college at 17 but I was fairly naive and idealistic well into my third year. I thought I knew a lot but even though I'm finished college some things still suprise me. And if this girl has had a sheltered background what girls giggle about is very different to reality.

skipn_easy

i should've said not all 16 years old are innocent. So having a reasonable discussion with the girl instead of banning her from seeing her boyfriend or breaking his legs, seems a better idea to me. Just a thought.

loismustdie

have you spoken to the guy to find out about him other than his age and nationality. a lot of 16 year olds have sex, go out woth 21year olds and/or have sex with them. when you look at your sis you might think 16 year olds are immature but look back on yourself whe you were 16, were you really all that niave as you see your sister now? if she is working and sociallising with 21 year olds maybe she's smarter than you give her credit. some 16 year olds i know are more mature that some 20 year olds

Gordon

Originally posted by skipn_easy
So having a reasonable discussion with the girl instead of banning her from seeing her boyfriend or breaking his legs, seems a better idea to me. Just a thought.

Indeed. The remarks of going to see the guy to beat him up with a brick/bar/baseball bat (all the b's) are quite uncalled for. And I don't like seeing that kind of patronage on PI tbh.

Boston

Originally posted by Gordon
Indeed. The remarks of going to see the guy to beat him up with a brick/bar/baseball bat (all the b's) are quite uncalled for. And I don't like seeing that kind of patronage on PI tbh.

Guy may have no idea of her age, tbh, Its a situation that could happen to any young male, and peopel are talking about beat the ****e out of the guy over it. Slap the ****e out of the work mate that gave out her number (if thats true, sounds like a lie to me) alright though.

Gordon

Originally posted by Boston
Slap the ****e out of the work mate that gave out her number (if thats true, sounds like a lie to me) alright though.

Actually I meant all types of violent patronage - not just "all of the b's".

Boston

Originally posted by Gordon
Actually I meant all types of violent patronage - not just "all of the b's".

Hmm, well at least get her number and give it to a dodgy polish bloke.

Adrian

Hey man no worries. My friend is 17 and she is seeing a guy who is 24. He is real teenish, if you know what I mean. At first I thought he was way too old to be seeing her but after talking to him he is just like a teenager. But I suppose at 21 this guy is probably looking for a lot of sex so I don't know. Tell your sister to be careful. Thats all you can really do. It's her choice at the end of the day.