I like Monkeys

muffen

I like monkeys.

The pet store was selling them for five cents a
piece. I thought that odd since they were normally a couple thousand. I decided not to look a
gifthorse in the mouth. I bought 200. I like monkeys.

I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let
one drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really
bright. They kept punching themselves in their
genitals. I laughed. Then they punched my genitals.
I stopped laughing.

I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very
well to their new environment. They would screech, hurl themselves off the couch at high
speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at
first, the spectacle lost it's novelty halfway into it's third hour.

Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys
were so inexpensive: they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta' dropped dead.
Kinda' like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five
hours later. Damn cheap monkeys.

I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead
monkeys laying all over my room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked
like I had two hundred throw rugs.

I tried to flush one down my toilet. It didn't
work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead dry monkeys.

I tried pretending that they were just stuffed
animals. That worked for a while, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell
real bad.

I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the
toilet and I didn't want to call the plumber. I was embarassed.

I tried to slow the decomposition by freezing them.
Unfortunately there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change
them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food
in the freezer so it didn't all go bad.

I tried burning them. Little did I know that my bed
was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire.

Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two
dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odor wasn't improving.

I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my
monkeys and to use the bathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better.

I tried throwing them away but the garbageman said that the city was not allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him that I had a wet
one. He couldn't take that one either. I didn't bother
asking about the frozen ones.

I finally arrived at my solution. I gave them out
as Christmas gifts. My friends didn't know quite what to say. They pretended that they liked them but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in their genitals.

I like monkeys.

Unpossible

read it before in the UCC rag mag waaay back. still good though

The_Goose

Thats strange but amusing!:)

Cable

That has to be one of the weirdest posts I have read in a long time.
I do however have a sense of compassion for the poor individual, cause like him, I too like monkeys....aahhhh

JCDenton

Mad!
But I can't help the feeling that it's more of a short story than a joke.

bdiddy

funny in a strange cousin lovin way, still funny tho

pyramid man

I love the part about the whole punching in the genetals.

Someone must have been either stoned or drunk when writing that,

UnrealQueen

Yes, strange but amusing.

Barbie_666

ditto.:D

koneko

Man this mail has been going round forever, must be 8 years old at this stage at least.

Still funny though.

quank

wow!
cosmic...

catsup

i likes it, i likes it alot. never read anything quite like that on boards before. there is a place in my heart for that story...just underneath the monkey lovin place in my heart.

quarryman

why underneath?

why not in that part.

i like monkeys.

catsup

dont get me wrong... i like monkeys, but not to an unhealthy extreme. my love for stories about monkeys is exceeded only by my love for the monkeys themselves.

does that explain it quarryman :rolleyes:

as a fellow monkey lover im sure you know what i mean

quarryman

i like monkeys.

Rnger

That was hilarious, even if it was cashing in on the fact that monkeys are generally funny. That made my day a little bit better

muffen

Man this mail has been going round forever, must be 8 years old at this stage at least.

I'd never seen it before to be honest (which is surprising considering the amount of "jokes" I get in my email)... thought it was really funny when I read it... it was different from the standard jokes with a punchline at the end