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speaking of Cork

  • 11-02-2004 1:04pm
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,034 ✭✭✭

    How Cork Are You?
    Corkness, the pinnacle of human endeavour, has always been seen as an
    unquantifiable quality. Conventional wisdom dictated that nobody could describe
    it, but they knew it, and held it in awe, when they saw it.

    But now, the PRC's re-education commitee, headed by Bin Murphy (aided by Commisar
    Pudgee Redgee) has developed a series of tests, allowing us to measure the
    Corkness of each and every existing and potential citizen. It is hoped that this
    new 'feen scale' will help not only to weed out 'un-corkonian' elements in the
    PRC, but also to discover spriritual Corkonians throughout the world and bring
    them 'home', thus truly making a land of milk, honey and Murphys.

    We urge all current and prospective citizens of the PRC to take this test, so the
    consolidation of Corkness can commence without delay.

    Keep it Cork,
    People's Republic of Cork Re-education Committee.

    Q1. What is the ideal start to the day for a Corkonian?
    A) Two mile jog to refresh the senses, followed by a skinny decaf frapppacino and
    a blueberry muffin, then drive the 200 yards to work in an unneccessarily
    enormous Sports Utility Vehicle.
    B) Stumble straight from bed into nasty little suit and then to work at the IFSC,
    pausing only to snort a line of coke and make a sleazy comment about the new
    receptionist's breasts. C)Fifteen minutes standing in the shower, desparately
    trying to shake off a dense alcohol fug and curing God for making it so difficult
    to smoke and wash yourself at the same time; followed by an enormous mug of
    Barry's Tea and and a black pudding sandwich, which you finish just in time to
    walk out the door and see the bus zooming past you.

    Q2. What do you wear in bed?
    A) Nothing.
    B) Burberry print Pyjama bottoms you got in BT2.
    C)Heineken promotional t-shirt you won off some ole doll in Reardens about eight
    years ago; trackie bottoms with a particularly lurid stain on the groin area, Na
    Piarsaigh socks in winter.

    Q3.Have you ever kissed the Blarney
    The Blarney position Stone?
    A) "Hell yea! It was awesome!"
    B) "No, but Roisin in accounts says
    I have a gifted tongue! HA HA HA HA
    HA HA HA HA!"
    C)"Jeesus, not a hope biy! They
    piss on that thing! Thats

    Q4. Watching Cork's recent demolition of Clare in the Munster Hurling Semi Final,
    did you feel...
    A) Somehow magically connected to your celtic roots.
    B)That there was definitely marketing potential in this GAA thing, particularly
    out in 'the country'.
    C) Feckin' brilliant. The Rebels back on top where they belong, now they
    showethose culchie upstarts who's boss round these parts.

    Q5. Roy Keane is
    A) "some soccer dude. Manchester, right? Soccer's great, my daughter and her
    little buddies play it all the time."
    B) "A Brilliantly talented but volatile footballer, whose outbursts have probably
    cost him a fortune in potential product endorsements.'
    C) "That's 'Dr. Brilliantly talented but volatile footballer' to you. Langer."

    Q6. Have you ever had your
    Daycent picture taken with Liam McCarthy
    or Sam McGuire?
    A) "No, but they sound like great
    B) "No, but I had a picture of me
    with Twink in Lillies Bordello in
    VIP magazine."
    C) "Yes. In 1984, 1986, 1988, you want me to keep

    Q7. Who are the most influential group in pop music?
    A) The Beach Boys, for their innovative use of harmony and instrumentation which
    pretty much formed modern pop music as it is today.
    B) Kraftwerk, for their use of electronics and the understanding that the
    kinetics of a song are as important as melody, paving the way for electro and
    C) Frank and Walters. Cos they're mad.

    Q8. What would your ideal holiday destination be?
    A) "Grand Canyon in a winnebago with the family."
    B)"Well, Jonathon's been raving about the Maldives, but I prefer Thailand for the
    fascinating culture, amazing flora and cheap sex. C)"You can't beat me cousin's
    caravan in Garryvoe if you get the weather for it.

    Q9. Which of the following
    No more tapes to collect. items do you collect
    A) Baseball cards.
    B) Pictures of women's feet
    you secretly take on the DART
    every morning with your state
    of the art mobile phone.
    C) Henry's tapes.

    Q10 (bonus point question) Would you..?
    A) "Hell, why not!"
    B) "It really depends on the earning potential."
    C) "I would yeah!"

    Thank you for your time. As the re-education commitee is considering strike
    action (due to not paid enough to do all the correcting as well as setting the
    questions) we'll let ye do the corrections yerselves. Let us know if anything
    pops up:

    Mostly A's:
    You are American. We don't hold this against you as such, but your overly
    positive attitude may not fit into our cheefully misanthropic utopia. Do not
    despair however, as an intensive course of standing in the pissing rain watching
    junior hurling, followed by lock-ins at the city's darkest, smokiest hostelries,
    should soon knock the can-do out of you!

    Mostly B's
    :Oh dear, you're a problem case aren't you? I'm afraid there's no place for your
    sort around here. Better off to stay in The Pale where you are now (although we
    suspect you're not actually from there, are ya?) Still though, congratulations on
    knowing an awful lot about Kraftwerk. Weirdo.

    Mostly C's:
    Dowtcha Boy! Born within the sound of Shandon bells, Corkness runs through you
    like the eight pints of Beamish you consume most nights. The spirit of Frank O'
    Connor, Christy Ring and Cha and Miah must have entered you before you were even

    If you already live in Cork, we urge you to find a similarly Corkified mate and
    start building your own little army of John Pauls and Binas without delay. If you
    do not live in the PRC, please contact us so we can arrange to have you
    airllifted to your home by the Lee immediately.


  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 16,659 ✭✭✭✭dahamsta

    Laugh!? I nearly did.

  • Closed Accounts Posts: 175 ✭✭bdiddy

    now i'm feckin scared,boy. i've just moved to Cork, like, but u c i'm from Mayo, boy. What am i gonna do like?

  • Registered Users Posts: 8,819 ✭✭✭rymus

    Originally posted by Rock Climber
    Q10 (bonus point question) Would you..?
    A) "Hell, why not!"
    B) "It really depends on the earning potential."
    C) "I would yeah!"

    That one raised a smirk...

  • Registered Users Posts: 33,519 ✭✭✭✭dudara

    "I would yeah!"

    confuses tourists no end!

  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 13,018 ✭✭✭✭jank

    I thought it was quite good :D

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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,616 ✭✭✭ClareBear

    Originally posted by jank
    I thought it was quite good :D

    So did I :D

  • Closed Accounts Posts: 345 ✭✭Agent7249

    lol:D funny, should be stuck in humour section

  • Registered Users Posts: 10,148 ✭✭✭✭Raskolnikov

    Originally posted by Rock Climber
    Corkness runs through you like the eight pints of Beamish you consume most nights.


    If your consumption of Beamish is the gauge of your 'Corkness' then I'm a viking!

    That was fairlay daycent biy :)

  • Registered Users Posts: 416 ✭✭Jim Comic

This discussion has been closed.