Bushes Resume

Hobbes

BUSH RESUME

George W. Bush
The White House, USA

EDUCATION AND EXPERIENCE:

LAW ENFORCEMENT:
I was arrested in Kennebunkport, Maine, in 1976 for driving under the influence of alcohol.

I pled guilty, paid a fine, and had my driver's license suspended for 30 days.

My Texas driving record has been "lost" and is not available. Also arrested for stealing a wreath at Christmas time while i was at Yale

MILITARY:

I joined the Texas Air National Guard and went AWOL. I refused to take a drug test or answer any questions about my drug use. By joining the Texas Air National Guard, I was able to avoid combat duty in Vietnam.

COLLEGE:

I graduated from Yale University with a low C average.
I was a cheerleader.


PAST WORK EXPERIENCE:

I ran for U.S. Congress and lost.

I began my career in the oil business in Midland, Texas, in 1975. I bought an oil company, but couldn't find any oil in Texas. The company went bankrupt shortly after I sold all my stock.

I bought the Texas Rangers baseball team in a sweetheart deal that took land using taxpayer money.

With the help of my father and our right-wing friends in the oil industry (including Enron CEO Ken Lay), I was elected governor of Texas.

ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS GOVERNOR OF TEXAS:

I changed Texas pollution laws to favor power and oil companies, making Texas the most polluted state in the Union.

During my tenure, Houston replaced Los Angeles as the most smog-ridden city in America.

I cut taxes and bankrupted the Texas treasury to the tune of billions in borrowed money.

I set the record for the most executions by any governor in American history.

With the help of my brother, the governor of Florida, and my father's appointments to the Supreme Court, I became President after losing by over 500,000 votes.

ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS PRESIDENT:

I am the first President in U.S. history to enter office with a criminal record.

I invaded and occupied two countries at a continuing cost of over one billion dollars per week, and the lives of over 500 US service men and women (plus over 9000 wounded), to date.

I spent the U.S. surplus and effectively bankrupted the U.S. Treasury.

I shattered the record for the largest annual deficit in U.S. history.

I set an economic record for most private bankruptcies filed in any 12-month period.

I set the all-time record for most foreclosures in a 12-month period.

I set the all-time record for the biggest drop in the history of the U.S. stock market.

In my first year in office, over 2 million Americans lost their jobs and that trend continues every month.

I'm proud that the members of my cabinet are the richest of any administration in U.S. history. My "poorest millionaire," Condoleeza Rice, has a Chevron oil tanker
named after her.

I set the record for most campaign fund-raising trips by a U.S. President.

I am the all-time U.S. and world record-holder for receiving the most corporate campaign donations.

My largest lifetime campaign contributor, and one of my best friends, Kenneth Lay, presided over the largest corporate bankruptcy fraud in U.S. History, Enron.

My political party used Enron private jets and corporate attorneys to assure my success with the U.S. Supreme Court during my election decision.

I have protected my friends at Enron and Halliburton against investigation or prosecution. More time and money was spent investigating the Monica Lewinsky affair than has been spent investigating one of the biggest corporate rip-offs in history.

I presided over the biggest energy crisis in U.S. history and refused to intervene when corruption involving the oil industry was revealed.

I presided over the highest gasoline prices in U.S. history.

I changed the U.S. policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded government contracts.

I appointed more convicted criminals to my administration than any President in U.S. history.

I created the Ministry of Homeland Security, the largest bureaucracy in the history of the United States government.

I've broken more international treaties than any President in U.S. history.

I am the first President in U.S. history to have the United Nations remove the U.S. from the Human Rights Commission.

I withdrew the U.S. from the World Court of Law.

I refused to allow inspectors access to U.S. "prisoners of war" detainees and thereby have refused to abide by the Geneva Convention.

I am the first President in history to refuse United Nations election inspectors (during the 2002 U.S. election).

I set the record for fewest number of press conferences of any President since the advent of television.

I set the all-time record for most days on vacation in any one-year period.

After taking off the entire month of August, I presided over the worst security failure in U.S. history.

I garnered the most sympathy for the U.S. after the World Trade Center attacks and less than a year later made the U.S. the most hated country in the world, the largest failure of diplomacy in world history.

I have set the all-time record for most people worldwide to simultaneously protest me in public venues (15 million people), shattering the record for protest against any person in the history of mankind.

I am the first President in U.S. history to order an unprovoked, pre-emptive attack and the military occupation of a sovereign nation.

I did so against the will of the United Nations, the majority of U.S. citizens,
and the world community.

I have cut health care benefits for war veterans and support a cut in duty benefits for active duty troops and their families -- in war time.

In my State of the Union Address, I lied about our reasons for attacking Iraq, then blamed the lies on our British friends.

I am the first President in history to have a majority of Europeans (71%) view my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and security.

I am supporting development of a nuclear "Tactical Bunker Buster," a WMD.

RECORDS AND REFERENCES:

All records of my tenure as governor of Texas are now in my father's library, sealed and unavailable for public view.

All records of SEC investigations into my insider trading and my bankrupt companies are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.

All records or minutes from meetings that I, or my Vice-President, attended regarding public energy policy are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public review.

PLEASE CONSIDER MY EXPERIENCE WHEN VOTING IN 2004!

Agent Smith

if only every american voter could see that.





sigh

Capt'n Midnight

I am the first President in U.S. history to order an unprovoked, pre-emptive attack and the military occupation of a sovereign nation.

Eh no - not by a long shot. Greneda, Panama etc.

Woppers like this take the shine off the list - and the bits about US deaths / gas prices. very US entric.

Otherwise fairly impressive

Oh and the develpment of Nuclear tatical weapons - would lead to thier likely use - and this is the bit that is really ironic - would be the best way for foreigners to get hold of fissile material
http://nuclearweaponarchive.org/Nwfaq/Nfaq4-2.html

4.2.5.2 Earth Penetrating Warheads ....
One possible problem with an earth penetrating gun weapon is that essentially all of the fissile material remains unchanged after the explosion. The material from one gun-type bomb is sufficient to manufacture 3-4 implosion bombs. Since earth penetrating bombs are inevitably targeted on enemy territory, this means a potential future adversary now has access to several bomb's worth of fissile material. Even though this is distributed through a few thousand tons of radioactive rock, mining and extracting would probably be relatively easy compared to setting up production facilities for fissile material. Soil normally contains 1-3 ppm of uranium, so the weapon grade material (50 kg, say) would be diluted by only several kg of natural uranium from this source. This problem could be reduced by including at least an equal mass of U-238 denaturing material at the far end of the bomb from the target, shielded by a neutron absorber.

BTW: looks like he is squeaky clean in the sexual dept. - AFAIK the only other US president who could say that that since 1900 was Nixon....

Lear

Originally posted by Hobbes
BUSH RESUME
I changed Texas pollution laws to favor power and oil companies, making Texas the most polluted state in the Union.

Most of the trash above is just that. Trash.

However, Texas WAS the one of the most polluted state in the US before Bush took office, and he passed massive legislation to clean up all the brownfields left by his Democrat predecessors.

I refused to allow inspectors access to U.S. "prisoners of war" detainees and thereby have refused to abide by the Geneva Convention.

Hint. Terrorists are not members of the Geneva convention and ergo not subject to the Geneva convention.

But keep you little moronic fantasies

Catsmokinpot

Originally posted by Lear
Most of the trash above is just that. Trash.

However, Texas WAS the one of the most polluted state in the US before Bush took office, and he passed massive legislation to clean up all the brownfields left by his Democrat predecessors.



Hint. Terrorists are not members of the Geneva convention and ergo not subject to the Geneva convention.

But keep you little moronic fantasies

im presuming hobbes didnt come up with that because i have seen it before..... and it keeps getting added to and added to

so why is he moronic?

im also presuming you are a republican american(i could be wrong) partly because of the stupid sig

"We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it." —Marge Simpson

and partly because you seem to be sticking up for the moron personified who is George W. Bush

+ they werent all terrorists some have been released without charge! and most were captured since september 11 when american troops invaded afghanistan. almost like some sort of "war" had started:rolleyes:

Armaugh

Originally posted by Catsmokinpot
im presuming hobbes didnt come up with that because i have seen it before..... and it keeps getting added to and added to

so why is he moronic?

Aye, I've seen the same thing, but from what I've read of the issue, the bit isn't true. I think the point being that if something isn't true, then repeating it is just as bad as creating it. That and it isn't satire because satire should be based on truth, would you agree?

Catsmokinpot

Originally posted by Armaugh
Aye, I've seen the same thing, but from what I've read of the issue, the bit isn't true. I think the point being that if something isn't true, then repeating it is just as bad as creating it. That and it isn't satire because satire should be based on truth, would you agree?

so all of it was untrue or just that 1 point?

i admitt it does take the shine off it alright but if the rest of it is true, thats only 2 out of 54 wrong, not very significant, especially not significant enough to be moronic.

and since GW passed this bill to clean up texas is it still the most polluted state in the union or did it work?

it didnt as far as i know texas still is the most polluted state

the only info i can find on this is on this site

http://observer.guardian.co.uk/magazine/story/0,11913,738196,00.html

Hobbes

Just pasted in a mail I got.

Originally posted by Lear
Hint. Terrorists are not members of the Geneva convention and ergo not subject to the Geneva convention.

Hint. Prisoners of war are not terrorists. Any taleban in Cuba are Prisoners of war. Of course we won't get into those that were sent there who were totally innocent because it might upset your fantasy.

GeorgeBush

I dont find this thread funny

vorbis

good point why is this in political satire? what are we supposed to find satirical or funny about it?

Sleepy

It's too scary to be funny. It still deserves a place somewhere prominent. Maybe on www.whitehouse.gov or something?

Ivan

I think its absolutely brilliant.

To think that a man like this can rerun for the president of the United States and not be impeached and jailed instead, is quite funny.