Girl Jokes

UnrealQueen

1) He said...I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to
put in it.
She said...You wear pants don't you.

2) He said...Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said...That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit
on the sofa and fart!

3) He said...What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

4) He said...Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said...I would but you're never there.

5) On a wall in a ladies room..."My husband follows me everywhere",
Written just below it..." I do not"

Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to
do the dishes?
A. Both of them.

Q. Why did the man cross the road?
A. He heard the chicken was 'easy'.

Q. Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A. They don't have time

Q. What do men and sperm have in common?
A. They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.

Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer.

Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds?
A. The bonds mature.

Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.

Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A. We don't know; it has never happened.

Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
A. They already have boyfriends.

Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.

Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
A. They're married.

Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."

passive

sexist

SpankyFart

Wow funny!

SpankyFart

A Good Husband
A man wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.

He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees it is in prefect order. So's the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."

He goes to the kitchen. Sure enough, a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper await him.

His son is also at the table, eating. The man asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 am, drunk and delirious. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you walked into the door."

Confused, the man asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, with breakfast on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you shouted, "Lady, get your hands off me! I'm married!"

Husband Shopping Center
A Husband Shopping Center has opened where a woman can go to choose from among many men to be her husband. It is laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended up the floors.

There is, however, a catch: Once you open the door to any floor, you must choose a man from that floor, and if you go up a floor, you can't go back down except to exit the building.

So, a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door says:

Floor 1: These men have jobs and love kids.

The woman reads the sign. "Well that's better than not having jobs, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?"

So up she goes.

The second floor sign says:

Floor 2: These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

"Hmmm, better" say the woman "But, I wonder what's further up?"

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3: These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework.

"Wow," says the woman, "very tempting BUT, there's more further up!"

And so again, she goes up.

On the fourth floor, the sign reads:

Floor 4: These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

"Oh, mercy me, but just think what must be awaiting me further on?!"

So up to the fifth floor she goes.

The sign on that door says:

Floor 5: This floor is just to prove that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping and have a nice day.

Marriage Quotes


* A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
* I bought my wife a new car.
She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor."
I said, "Where's the car?"
She said, "In the lake."
* The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
* I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
* Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that
* Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
* Young Son: Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
* Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; then it was too late.
* A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
* A woman was telling her friend, "I made my husband a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him?"asked the friend.
The woman replied, "A billionaire.
* The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.
* A man, upon his engagement, went to his father and said, "I've found a woman just like mother!"
His father replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"
* If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep
* I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
* It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer
* Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
* A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman-then, BAM!, it was all gone!"
"What happened?" asked his friend.
"My wife found out...
* Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
* A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
* How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.
* The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants, provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then says, "Okay, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death."

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about??
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not going to like
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Are you listening to me?? = Too late, you're dead

quank

lol
all very good