ex Gfriend

Heman

hi all this is a question directed more towards the ladies but any input will be greatly appreciated. I was goin out with a girl for the last three years and last october we broke up(her decision).She said her main reasons were that we werent gettin on as well as we should be,now in fairness we were having a lot of silly fights about nothing but the main reason I was annoyed was that I was not seeing her enough and it was really annoying. She started a new job just before we broke up and she is just out of college. She also said that she would like to be just single again, that it
wasnt me and if she had met me after college when she had her single life she would have been happy(didnt help me to get over her at all). i was talkin to her then before the xmas and she said that she didnt want to get back "just yet"so i left her alone for a while.She was home then for the xmas and i met her out(lookin fantastic)and we were chatting for a while i asked her if she wanted a drink and she said it would only confuse the situation if somethin happened, which is fair enough.She said that if we did get back together it should happen "naturally",i havent a clue what that means. She had told me that she was not with anyone and its just that she wanted to be single while she had the chance and i remember when we broke up her saying that she hoped i wouldnt be sleeping with anyone. At this stage i began to get very pissed off at the whole situation and very confused so i didnt make any contact with her but then she text me sayin whats the craic,like she had forgotten how i felt about her(I told her i still loved her when we met over the xmas)
That was last week and i havent or didnt want to make contact with her but i went out one night and ended up with someone and people were telling me that "the quickest way to get over one girl was to get on top of another one". Well my feelings towards her havent changed one bit. Now I know that she needs her single life for a while and i would never stop her form doing what she wanted to do but i know now for sure that i love her. My friends are tellin me that she wants her cake and whatever the end of that saying is.I would just like to know from a person who can look in from the outside and see what they think?

Beruthiel

your friends are right, talk about stringing you along and keeping all her options open – she’s basically waiting to see if something better comes along, if not, well sure you’re there as a fall back – the nerve of her asking you not to sleep with anyone!
my advice – get on with your own life, go out, enjoy yourself and forget about her – she’ll not be back anytime soon, especially if she can see you are just hanging in there waiting for her, that just lets her see that you are still waiting so she’s still ok to do as she pleases.
Perhaps when she sees you are getting on with your life it might change her mind pretty quickly, don’t depend on that though. You only live once and there’s plenty more fish in the sea, do as she is doing, check out the ‘catch of the day’

Lafortezza

Looks like she may be trying to suit herself.
She wants to be single but she also wants you to save yourself for her, "she hoped i wouldnt be sleeping with anyone", and not to be sleeping around, which now that you're single you're perfectly entitled to do.

If I was you, I'd cut down on the contact with her, the way you wrote in your post it looks as if she knows that you're still very keen and in love, and that means she's happy to be single knowing she's got you to fall back on for friendship/companionship or a relationship should the wind sway her that way.

Get out on your own, get out with your mates, enjoy the single life, don't let her dictate the way it will happen if you do both get back together, should be a mutual thing and all that.
Bit of time apart might change the way you see her as well.

Havelock

Having recently been in a similar position the only adivce I would give is get on with your life, if you meet someone else you might like, go for it. Don't hold your self back from having a life because of her. I'm still in love with my ex, I will be for a long time, but doesn't meant I can't fall in love again with someone else, hopefully the same applies to you. If she told you that she hoped you wouldn't be sleeping around, she wants you to be waiting on her.
Best of luck, no matter what you choose to do.

Sleipnir

that it wasn't me

Jumping Jehovah do you not watch T.V.???

Sounds like she keeping you as her 'fall-back guy' that is, if she doesn't find someone better, you'll do.
Sounds like a complete cow you would be far better off in the long run to have nothing at all to do with her.

Imposter

As others have already said you need to get on with your life. She seems from what you have said to always be controlling you. In your relationship you only seen each other when she wanted etc. ANd now she wants you to wait for her while she can do as she pleases.

You need to realise that although you are in love you'll get over it and you'll start to see her for the person she is rather than your girlfriend. I'm not saying she's a bad person but I am saying that you'll see her differently once your not looking through your "she's my girlfriend" lenses.

Also her seeing you getting on with your life might actually cause her to want you again. Women are funny like that!

MrNuked

The fall-back guy idea sounds very plausible, but there is another possibility. She might just want more space. If you felt you never saw her enough and that was causing fights, you probably wanted to spend more time with her than she did with you. The casual way she gets in touch with you sounds like she just took a step back and wants to approach again but doesn;t want to get claustrophobic or feel suffocated.
Really it depends on whether she appears to be looking for someone else? If she is then get away from her definitely. If she isn't then maybe approach a little more slowly.

koneko

If she wants to be single then she has to accept that you'll be single too. Tell her that. Either you date or you don't date, no wishy washy inbetween stuff. You have a life to get on with too, and you're definitely not going to be happy sitting around on your own waiting for her to make up her mind.

Tommy Vercetti

The only advice I can give you is to get over her and move on. It sounds harsh and it isn't what you want me to say but that's reality. The longer you leave things hanging, the more of your time you are wasting. She wants the best of both worlds. She is probably lying when she said she hasn't been with anyone else. IMO she broke up with you because she wanted some excitement because she had been in a relationship for so long and had forgotton what it's like to be single, and now she is finding out that things have moved on from when she was 16, and she wants to go back to the comfort of you. Don't be a fool.

vibe666

ditto.

do your own thing, and maybe you'll drift back together later, maybe you won't, but either way nothings going to change while you're waiting for her to 'want' you again. if you're there waiting twiddling your thumbs then you won't have the chance ot change and grow as a person, and it'll never happen anyway.

best thing to do is not to burn your bridges, try not to be bitter about it and move on. you really will fall in love (and out) again (if you let yourself) and maybe one day the person you grow into* will be someone the person she grows into will fall in love with all over again.

just leave the cards to fall as they will and everything will sort itself out. trust me, I'm a reformed skeptic.

*I'm not saying it in a condesending 'you're young, you don't know anything' way, I just mean that as long as we keep going forward and allow ourselves to do so, we can 'grow' as people for as long as we live.

Kalina

I've been in her situation where I just wanted to be single after a long relationship. But I'd never ask an ex not to sleep with anyone in the off-chance that we might get back together. You can't mess with peoples feelings like she seems to be with yours. My advice is try to forget about her and have fun in the meantime with other girls.

uberwolf

My current lady has said that she wouldn't sleep with anyone else for a long time afterwards just in case we got back together. Of course that all depends on circumstance etc. But once its over between a couple they haven't any right to dictate to each other. Much like she couldn't judge for for stuff thats gone before.

rs

You have to think. If she really wanted to have a future with you, would she risk losing you by breaking up. It certainly sounds like she is just looking for someone better to come along.

So two things can really happen.

One, she will meet someone else at which point you'll have to deal with that. And that will suck!

The other thing is that you will get back together and she will have "settled" for you because nothing better came along.

You are being treated like crap either way. The fact that she is more than happy to risk losing you forever should be perfect sign as to how she feels about you right now.

Move on. It'll be easier in the long run.

Good luck.

Heman

well firstly thanks for the advice,well everyone seems to be saying the same thing.....she said she still wants to be friends which seems more like "i want you to be there whenever it suits me".i wouldnt mind if i was a scumbag towards her...seems to be happening to me a lot was once with a girl two or three times,she ended up going out with a good friend of mine who later said to him that the only reason she was with me was to get to him!very nice of her to say that. Beginning to get very disillusioned with women might take a break from them for a while. Just wondering maybe some of this is my own fault for being there all the time for her...when we had broken up she had a bad experience in her new house and she rang me in tears one evening and i consoled her for an hour on the phone and made sure she was okay.

tinkerbell

Originally posted by Heman
She also said that she would like to be just single again, that it
wasnt me and if she had met me after college when she had her single life she would have been happy(didnt help me to get over her at all).

She said that if we did get back together it should happen "naturally",i havent a clue what that means.

She had told me that she was not with anyone and its just that she wanted to be single while she had the chance and i remember when we broke up her saying that she hoped i wouldnt be sleeping with anyone.

like she had forgotten how i felt about her(I told her i still loved her when we met over the xmas)

My friends are tellin me that she wants her cake and whatever the end of that saying is.I would just like to know from a person who can look in from the outside and see what they think?

I jus took snippets outta your post there so I could comment on them.

That excuse of jus wanting to be single sucks. If you really love someone, and want to be with them, then you don't want to be single at all! It's jus a really pathetic way of trying to break it off with someone if you don't have the guts to tell them the real reason. Or maybe that was the real reason, but it was a really odd reason

As for her saying she hoped you wouldn't be sleeping with someone - she can't jus go off and be single and expect you to sit around and wait for her! That is totally not fair on you. After three years, you deserve a lot more respect than that. She can't have it both ways - either she gets back with you, or she accepts the fact that you are free to kiss / sleep with anyone you want, without havin to ask her permisson.

I couldn't believe it when I read that it was like she'd forgotten how you felt about her, and you had to remind her. Sorry to be blunt, but it sounds like she's usin you, nobody else was sayin "I love you" to her so she knew she'd get those words from you and it'd prolly make her feel better.

Your friends are dead right - you're better off cuttin off contact with her (for now) until you get her out of your head. After that, then you can try and be friends with her. But for your own sake, if you still are in love with her, then don't torture yourself by hanging out with her a lot, or talkin to her a lot, coz it ain't gonna make your feelings for her go away.

You say you went out three years or so, well you only broke up with her in October. After three years, tiz prolly gonna take a lot longer to get over her, so jus give yourself time, put you first now. And then you'll prolly meet someone who will love ya no matter what, and won't give you that kinda crap.

Maybe all of us here are wrong, but it does sound like she wants her cake and wants to eat it too.

Heman

the funny thing is when we broke up i said to her that i didnt think i would want want to talk to her for about 6 months and she started to cry sayin that she thought i was makin it sond very final and that she would love to keep in contact,like a fool i agreed and now she knows how i feel about her still.anyways thats it all and i think i get the picture...what to do if she rings again?will i say any of this to her if it comes up?

Kell

Originally posted by Beruthiel
talk about stringing you along and keeping all her options open

Provided that the hemans post is exactly accurate, looks like she hasnt actually provided any grounds for confusion (barring hoping you wont sleep with anyone). Sounds like she has said "its ok to be friendly but just dont carry any hopes around laddie".

As regards the sleeping with someone else issue, I think everyone would be a tad wounded if their ex was hitched or shaggin within a month or so of a split up, even if they have been the one to break the relationship in the first place.

Heman, write everything down on paper for yourself and ask yourself truly has she given you any false indications or anything that should allow you to have a glimmer of hope and also ask yourself if it is your own wants that keep you stringing yourself along?

K-

xx

Originally posted by Heman
hi all this is a question directed more towards the ladies but any input will be greatly appreciated. I was goin out with a girl for the last three years and last october we broke up(her decision).She said her main reasons were that we werent gettin on as well as we should be,now in fairness we were having a lot of silly fights about nothing but the main reason I was annoyed was that I was not seeing her enough and it was really annoying. She started a new job just before we broke up and she is just out of college. She also said that she would like to be just single again, that it
wasnt me and if she had met me after college when she had her single life she would have been happy(didnt help me to get over her at all). i was talkin to her then before the xmas and she said that she didnt want to get back "just yet"so i left her alone for a while.She was home then for the xmas and i met her out(lookin fantastic)and we were chatting for a while i asked her if she wanted a drink and she said it would only confuse the situation if somethin happened, which is fair enough.She said that if we did get back together it should happen "naturally",i havent a clue what that means. She had told me that she was not with anyone and its just that she wanted to be single while she had the chance and i remember when we broke up her saying that she hoped i wouldnt be sleeping with anyone. At this stage i began to get very pissed off at the whole situation and very confused so i didnt make any contact with her but then she text me sayin whats the craic,like she had forgotten how i felt about her(I told her i still loved her when we met over the xmas)
That was last week and i havent or didnt want to make contact with her but i went out one night and ended up with someone and people were telling me that "the quickest way to get over one girl was to get on top of another one". Well my feelings towards her havent changed one bit. Now I know that she needs her single life for a while and i would never stop her form doing what she wanted to do but i know now for sure that i love her. My friends are tellin me that she wants her cake and whatever the end of that saying is.I would just like to know from a person who can look in from the outside and see what they think?

Lifes too short for that $hit man. Move on. I know its easier said than done, but trust me on this!!! Lifes to short to get all wrapped up in one person who doesn't know what they want. In fact, lifes just too short for one person alone...

malico

Oh yeah. She's totally playing the field. Never ever let yourself be used as a backup!

Cut her loose and forget about her. You're better than that. Always remember that.

If she was a tech you could always say "I'm not a DAT tape you know" </End sad techie joke>