Christmas Cracker Jokes - consider yourself warned.

Capt'n Midnight · 24-12-2003 9:29am #1

Did you hear about the stupid plastic surgeon?
Yes. He stood in front of the fire and melted!

Doctor, Doctor! Everyone thinks I'm a liar!
Doctor: I don't believe you!

Father Christmas lost his umbrella but he didn't get wet! Why not?
Because it wasn't raining!

How can you get your name in lights the world over?
Change your name to Emergency Exit!

How do monkeys make toast?
Stick some bread under the gorilla!

How do witches tell the time?
With a witch-watch!

How do you start a polar-bear race?
Say 'Ready! Teddy! Go!'

How does Father Christmas climb up a chimney?
He uses a ladder in the stocking!

I say, I say, I say! My wife's gone to the West Indies!
Jamaica?
No. She was quite happy to go!

If I'm standing at the North Pole, facing the South Pole, and the East is on my left hand, what's on my right hand?
Fingers!

I'm letting my pet pig sleep on my bed!
What about the smell?
He'll just have to get used to it!

Waiter! Water! My Christmas pudding is off!
Waiter: Off? Where to?

What did the police do when the hares escaped from the zoo?
They combed the area!

What do you do if your dog has ticks?
Don't wind him up!

What do you get hanging from Father Christmas' roof?
Tired arms!

What do you get if you cross a cowboy with an octopus?
Billy the squid!

What do you get if you cross a gnome with a vampire?
A monster that sucks the blood out of your kneecaps!

What do you get if you cross a hen with a bedside clock?
An alarm cluck!

What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with an octopus, a sheep and a zebra?
A striped, woolly jumper with eight sleeves!

What do you get if you cross a whale with a bird that quacks?
Moby Duck!

What drink do frogs like best?
Croaker-cola!

What flower can you eat?
A cauli-flower!

What song did Cinderella sing as she waited four months for her photos to come back from the chemist?
'Some day my prints will come!'

What time is it when you see an elephant sitting on your television?
Time to get a new television!

What would you do if a rhino charged you?
Pay him!

What's the best way to catch a rabbit?
Hide behind a bush and make a sound like a carrot!

Where are the Andes?
On the end of the armies!

Which animal should you not play cards with?
A cheetah!

Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?
Santa Jaws.

Who wrote the book, The Awful Comedown?
Lucy Lastick!

Why can't a bike stand up by itself?
Because it's two-tyred!

Why couldn't the sailors play cards?
Because the captain was standing on the deck!

Why did the chicken cross the football pitch?
Because the referee whistled for a fowl!

Why do you call your dog Metal-worker?
Because every time he hears a knock he makes a bolt for the door.

Why was the Turkey in the pop group?
Because he was the only one with drum-sticks!

What did one angel say to the other?
Halo there!

What's purple and shouts "Help"?
A damson in distress.

How do you spell hungry horse with four letters?
M.T.G.G.

Why is Europe like a frying pan?
Because it has Greece at the bottom.

What question can you never answer YES to?
Are you asleep?

What lies in a pram and wobbles?
A jelly baby.

What do you call a crate of ducks?
A box of quackers

What's ET short for?
Because he's only got little legs.

Why are chocolate buttons rude?
Because they are Smarties in the nude.

What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?
Dam.

What athlete is warmest in winter?
A long jumper.

What do you get after it has been taken?
Your photograph

Which dog is the most expensive of all?
A dear hound!

What do you get if you cross a river with a bike?
Wet feet.

Who can shave three times a day and still have a beard?
A barber!