Never good enough

LegacyUser

I have no confidence in my capabilities and my appearance. I want to be perfect when it is totally unachievable. I put so much pressure on myself to be the best at everything that it has caused me to get extremely depressed at times. During my leaving cert. three years ago I had three near breakdowns because of the amount of pressure I had put on myself. Friends in college are always telling me to "chill".

The thing is that I do well in things but it still isn't good enough for me. I get A's and B's in college. I have great friends all over the country that think I am great. I have numerous guys telling me that I am gorgeous and have a fabulous personality. All this and I still feel like I am worth nothing. I always find something to put myself down about.

I keep trying to tell myself that I am only human and that I can't do everything but there is that thought in my head that expects me to do everything and to be really good at it too.

I am only twenty and really want to find a way of removing this stress from my life. I recently broke out in a rash because I had placed so much pressure on myself.
How can I learn to be happy with who I am? Anybody else like me out there and if so how have you learned to cope? How can I learn to be proud of who I am?

Thanks.

Beruthiel

Originally posted by person
I am only twenty and really want to find a way of removing this stress from my life. I recently broke out in a rash because I had placed so much pressure on myself.
How can I learn to be happy with who I am? Anybody else like me out there and if so how have you learned to cope?

if you had stopped stressing and just relaxed about the whole thing, would you still be doing as well in school? Think about it, you probably would.
I used to be like you, I stressed about everything, I still do sometimes, but life has taught me that whither I stress or not things will most likely turn out the same either way so why stress about it in the first place. Ask yourself that question, if I stress about it will the outcome be different? If not, then what are you stressing for?!

How can I learn to be proud of who I am?

look at your achievements, you did well in school, you are doing well in college, you have great friends etc… you are one lucky person, try to realise that and enjoy your life, you won’t have it forever, remember to live in the moment and appreciate the little things in life – don’t let life pass you by cos you were busy stressing about silly unimportant things

SuprSi

It seems like you're not doing anything that you would regard as fun. What do you do to relax or entertain yourself? I realise that doing well in college and at other academic tasks is important, but what about taking up a hobby that you enjoy and seriously pursuing it?

My own way of dealing with any kind of worry or stress is to play a game of football, go jogging, or something that will wear me out to the point that I just don't care about what I was worrying about, and sometimes actually forget about it completely! Believe me, enjoying yourself and feeling good about doing something makes a big difference in everyday life.

lacuna

Originally posted by SuprSi
but what about taking up a hobby that you enjoy and seriously pursuing it?

or what about not seriously persuing it...


just take up a hobby that doesn't require you to be so serious about it and then you wont end up putting a lot of pressure on yourself about that too. do something thats fun and will help you chill out.

Walter Ego

I am totally stressed out myself right now. I even have that goddamn rash.
Stress seems to be self sustaining. The only thing that gives me relief is to forget about myself completely. Do something for someone else. Take an active interest in a friend's/family member's problems. Help them out. You may find that when you go back to the stressful situation you the view it in a different light and it may not be quite so stressful.

Gordo84

It seems to me that you suffer from performance anxiety. If you can't accept that you are not perfect and never will be you will only prolong the agony which will lead to depression, low self esteem and lack of confidence when really you are just as capable as the next person.

I know of an anxiety related group that takes place a couple of times a year. It is 13 weeks long, every wednesday evening for 2.30 hours were you can effectively learn to deal with the issues in your life. It is a social anxiety group of about 8 people. You will be taught coping strategies and ways to build your self esteem and accept your flaws as well as your good points.

A friend of mine participated in the last group and like you he had performance anxiety. No matter what he achieved, it was never good enough. He has come on big time in the past couple of months. The group is starting up again in the new year and takes place in dublin city centre. If you would like to participate, i can give you the contact number of the course co-ordinator. PM me if you are interested.

Wolf

One bit of golden advice.

Happiness comes from with in.

In other words it doesnt matter what you look like or how u act or what grades you get its all about how you messure yourself against yourself. Try to be kind and honest and all those thing that you hold in high regaurd in your heart. It not that likly that you hold high grades close to your heart? Find out what important to you stick at it and happiness will follow.

Best of Luck Wolf.

Also try to think of all the people that dont have all that they have going for them you already have a head start

Victor

Hard as it may be to accept, nothing will ever be **perfect**. What you can however is hope for things to be **better**.

My policy is to hope and work for things to be better than average.

Be glad for what you have, not everyone has a roof over their head or food on their table.

tinkerbell

I think you jus need to take a break from college and all that crap for a while. Relax over Christmas, if you have exams in January, leave the study til the new year. Jus give yourself to chill out and enjoy your life, otherwise you'll continue in this rut.

Get involved in somethin that gets you out of the normal day to day routine. Go out with your pals, have fun, spend your time with family, jus do anything to get out of the working too hard thing. You need to maintain a balance between study and social life in order to be happy, so try not to put too much pressure on yourself.

At the end of the day you can only do your best. And if you're constantly getting As and Bs, then you already are probably in the top five of your class, if not the top!

So be grateful for your looks, intelligence, and fantastic friends, and try to enjoy yourself, your college years are meant to be the best of your life afterall!


P.S.

I used to be like that - doing well in school & college, but always thinking I wasn't doing good enough. But in the end, I said screw it all, there's no point in getting stressed over it, if I'm doin really well already, and doing my best, then that's okay. You will stop feeling this way in time, you jus need to take a time out first.

star gazer

Stress in itself is not a bad thing, it gets us doing things it helps to get us up in the morning, get into work/college/school, do the job and make it out every couple of nights to socialise. If the level of stress gets to the point that you are constantly distracted and/or drained energy-wise then something is wrong. It might be situation specific in that it's work/study related could be somebody bulling you, it could be that you're in the wrong job/course for you or you're not getting what you deserve for the work you put in. The second set of factors are a little more complicated in that past history comes into play, someone broke your heart/ someone damaged you in some way or issues from childhood and the circumstances surrounding up-bringing. Maybe it's time to confront the problem if it's specific or you need to talk to someone if there is no obvious solution. Counselling can help or maybe you have someone you can trust to talk to first to get another perception on your problems.

It sounds like there are some deep rooted issues for you, person. Sometimes it deosn't matter if you have everything in the world and all the accomplaishments possible, if you dislike yourself and what you're doing it will be a struggle to keep going at the same pace. Pick your battles, it's not going to be possible to sort everything out over night, but if you can make some small steps in the right direction suddenly things might become a whole lot clearer. I'm still looking to move in the right direction but i think i'm closer than i was to a bit of happiness.

govinda

I would say I suffer from something similar, but milder than 'person' and put it down to being the eldest child in my family....I'd be interested to know if 'person' is the eldest too or if there is parental pressure (perceived or otherwise) on him/her.

Anyway, the following links might be useful to you:

http://members.aol.com/marygentle/recommendationstop.htm

Recovery Inc have an Irish website here:

http://indigo.ie/~recovirl/Home.htm

and hold meetings all over the country. I haven't joined yet, but may in the New Year.

To 'person': I understand where you're coming from and it is the hardest thing to slow down and accept yourself. But seeking help is the first step, well done and I wish you well.

Sleepy

Take up some kind of hobby. I don't know which college you go to, but in UCG we always had really active Clubs and Societies that were ALWAYS looking for new members. Getting out and learning a new activity (martial arts particularly) is always good for your self confidence and sense of self worth. Plus, even if it doesn't solve all your niggling doubts, you'll at the very lease make a few new friends and that's always a good thing...

bean

I have heard this from so many people now, everyone at some stage in their lives ask that question. Remember you cannot compare your life with anyone elses. How could you? You are unique therefore your circumstances are unique as are everyone elses. Therefore you cant compare yourself to anyone else, you can get ideas and inspiration but you cannot dwell as it makes no sense to.

LegacyUser

I am only twenty and really want to find a way of removing this stress from my life. I recently broke out in a rash because I had placed so much pressure on myself.

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hmmm I dunno how you ACTUALLY learn to be happy with who you are. I think for everyone it is different, people find different ways of dealing with all of lifes little probs.

Personally I use to be like that well if not something similar and in the end I just gave up, I quite simply just snaped and went on a bender of drink and drugs for 4 odd years, how cleache is that !! lol , screwed myself up royally ( i was such a dick )
and now Im trying to making it all back < Cross`s fingers >

The only real thing I can tell you is this you have to learn to say "F**k it" sounds easy to everyone, doesnt it ??? well its not, its not easy at all to do for people
who stress infact its very hard because even when you start saying it you are still stressing over what you might be doing to yourself or what this person might think of you, or what if , what if !!!!!!!!! <---- Stress lvls rising .

First of all for some people their will always be stress in your life, try and think of eliminating it, more of minimizing it. Here is a crazy idea !! for one week everytime something bothers you even in the slighest, just say F*k it in your head and wave it off, I promise you the world will keep turning, the guime < gym > is also meant to be great for realiving stress, I personally havent tried it but it IS meant to be very good

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How can I learn to be happy with who I am? Anybody else like me out there and if so how have you learned to cope? How can I learn to be proud of who I am`

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This SEEMS to be the real issue to me or if not well definatly the cause of 99% of your stress imo. And its probably the hardest one for you to solve < /hug >

Probably not much help but try not being so much happy with your self as lets say
CONTENT with your self . For instance personally am I happy with myself NO, Not by a long shot, I went to sleep last night <Seriously true > listing all the things that I hated about myself and the list was LONG, in the end I had to get up throw water on my face just to switch my mind off that topic and try and think about nothing so I could get to sleep. But bottom line am I content with myself ?

Yes I could say that I am, when I dont relapse into fits of depression, I am content and when things go my way, dare I say it I can be quite happy with myself.
< In my head after something goes right > Yeah me, High five !!! cough loser
I seem to talk to myself a lot in my head :PP lol

And you know what being proud of yourself is isnt as hard to do as you might think
a trick kinda.. to letting your self getting more proud of onesself < Jebus I really cant spoke or type so good > is simply to break stuff down .

For instance first you have to think of something within reason and be fair to yourself on this one ! of a goal you would like to achieve. Got one ? right now break that Goal down in to smaller bits, what are the different steps you have to do to achieve that goal. <Any task can be broked down to smaller and smaller pieces till you get to the basic`s. > Now this is it, you have your Goal and you have your tasks you need to achieve your goal, everytime you take a step along the way. NOTE IT
say to yourself < it will sound stupid at first, but who can hear you, your talking to yourself.....weird isnt it :P > Every time you acomplish a task on the way to your goal
say to yourself " Nice one, I rock !!!!" or something to that effect and smile if you can
Acknowledge the effort it took to get that task on your way < I mean if you dont who else will, and even if they do now, they wont always be their for you, this is just something you need to do for yourself >

And that is basically how you become Proud of yourself you simply must realise and note to yourself where you started and where you are now and look at the effort you put in and say to yourself " I Rock !!! :P "

and you know what, if anyone says anything to you to put you down in anyway well
F*k them ! Do you need them ? NO , will they make any difference in 1 year, 2 year or 5 years down the line, NO so f*k em.

SERIOUSLY ! its kinda hard to explain myself but I hope you get the picture. This is for anyone reading this .Stop every once in a while look around yourself and take note of where you are in your life, think back to where you were a year ago, are you in a better place now ? If so well then pat your self on the back and be happy about how much you have achieved in that one little year, where life threw all sorts of crap at you. Think of badly the year could have gone ?? and if you did have a bad year well think about this once you hit rock bottom ! then all you can is go up and look forward to a better new year.

Best of luck in the New year "Person" I hope you trully find what your looking for

A.

GUI

person.
do what makes you happy, simple as that!

your not sure what makes you happy ?
try new things

mr_angry

Stress and depression can often be a kind of vicious circle, and there isn't always an easy solution to it. However, the one point that stands out in your post is that you WANT to change your state of mind. You seem like a very determined person, and so I believe that if you really want to relax, you can definitely do it.

Try to get your hands on some relaxation excercise tapes at your local health store or counselling centre - they can be very helpful.

star gazer

[Ioriginally posted by mr_angry[/I]
Try to get your hands on some relaxation excercise tapes at your local health store or counselling centre - they can be very helpful.

I think it also helps to 'exercise' some of the stuff out of you also. running, swimming, gym work or just walking can help get some frustration and anger out. It is important to remember that we are physical beings and not just bundles of emotions with intelects.