Losing a friend.

LegacyUser

Ok this is a bit long and if this is the wrong place to post it I am sorry.Anyway i have been quite close friends with a girl for the past four years-Over the last year or so we were growing apart and I saw in this guy she was talking to more than me a direct replacement.I confronted her on him and why we had grown apart,she said that she hated the fact that we didnt talk as much and that we would get back to normal.She said she preferred me to the replacement and I was over the moon-I said hello to her every single time I saw her on the corridors and tried to talk to her in supervised study and all of the time-basically it was me who was trying.She continues to not live up to her promises-I dont want to lose her but seeing her lack of effort im unsure if she meant anything of what she said.I just want someone to give me advice on how to sort this out-do i confront her again or leave it up to her or do i just drift away from her.Thanks.

Atreides

Question, is she sitting the leaving Cert. I've noticed that alot of girls get this way when their sitting the leaving cert, become fairly focused and cut out alot of stuff in their life. One of hte reasons they tend to do better then us.

orangerooster

I may as well use my username-im no coward.She actually is-all of the people in the post including myself are-but shes in no way focussed on study or anything like it.Ill admit that she does sometimes talk to me but only when this replacement isnt around-she used to go out with him and it ended horribly-he even semi stalked her.But she doesnt care.I told her lies about him that would stop most normal people talking to a guy but still she wont see sense to talk to someone who actually wants her as a friend,not a shag.

skipn_easy

you told your friend lies about her other friend? is that a very good way to go about things? do you think she might have found out about the lies you told?

Miguel_Sanchez

Hmmm... you lied about the guy to try and keep her away from him. Maybe she knows this and is trying to get away from you because you're the sort of guy who lies about people to try and manipulate others.

Maybe you're just growing apart - it does happen. Especially when you're a teenager.

Do you fancy this girl? It sounds like you do the way you're getting jealous of other guys getting more attention from her than you. Maybe she senses this - it's probably not that hard to pick up on - and is trying to get a bit of distance in case things get awkward.

Placebo

I dont want to lose her but seeing her lack of effort im unsure if she meant anything of what she said.

if you ment friend and not girl friend, then the same thing happened to me, lack off effort in anything, even replying to emails so i just told her toooooooooo go away.
Thats the last i seen of her. We have dignity too you know !

Wolf

Stop me if im wrong but if this girl asked you to sleep with her would you?

I know perhaps your not going for a shag :rolleyes: as you said but if she offered would you turn it down? Sounds more than a friendship thing this.

orangerooster

To be honest wold probably not-i hold tremendous value on the friendship itself-im going out with a girl and i dont feel that way about my friend.

Wolf

Well in that case I tip my hat to you sir, there arent many of your type around. You are a very decent and special person and deserve a good friend. Are you sure that maybe she doesnt want something more ?

She might have taken the relationship to a stage where normally she would like a guy and start something and now that that point is reached she might feel that something is missing.

Or maybe she feels that you want something more and doesnt truely understand the relationship as you see it. In this world when a boy and girl get close people talk and people get ideas.

At the end of the day I suggest sitting down with her and saying to her that you feel that you are drifting apart and tell her that her friendship is very special to you. That above all else that you dont want to lose that friendship no matter what?

P.S. Dont call me Wold

misswex

Why did you feel it necessary to lie to her about this other guy???

orangerooster

I just have to show her how much of a sleaze this guy is-he acts so sincere and nice around her but is actually one of the most perverse and dispicable individuals i have ever met-but i cant prove that to her so i must lie.Thanks for the advice wolF !ill tell her when shes in school again.

chill

It's a very painful truth... but we can't make people like us no matter how much we wish it. It's hard to accept but it is very true.

It sounds to me liek you've given her every opportuity and now you have to stand back a bit and ask yoursellf if she behaves like that how can she think of you as special. Girls often keep a number of guys 'sweet' even though they may not be intentionally doing so.

I suggest you have to accept that she's an ocasional friend but not worth investing your emotions in. She's not worth the pain. Invest them with someone else and try to put some of your energy into your work for a while.

Davey Devil

You said about possibly shagging her "To be honest wold probably not-i hold tremendous value on the friendship itself-im going out with a girl and i dont feel that way about my friend."



What are you doing? It sounds like you fancy this girl if you ask me. Sure she's your friend but she isn't going out with you so don't expect her to act in a particular way. My advice would be to tell her you wanna get it on. If she says no then you know not to bother her again. It comes down to the old question. Can a guy be really good friends with a girl without having an attraction to her? I don't think it's possible. You DO want to sleep her, your mixing your true feelings of lust with the actual fact she is your friend. You said "i hold tremendous value on the friendship itself", that's the oldest one in the book. Your just kidding yourself. Remember it's not possible to be both admirer and friend, lotta jealousy going on there. Guys don't feel jealous about their friends who are girls talking to other blokes. Answer me this, if one of your guy mates was hanging around with another girl more than you, would you be so upset. I don't think so. So quick solution, ask her out, then you lose the false friendship and gain the reality back in your head. Suddenly it will make alot more sence. Even if she says no you will get over her so quickly because all the doubts will be gone and you will know exactly where you stand.

Doctor Spoc

Originally posted by Wolf
Well in that case I tip my hat to you sir, there arent many of your type around. You are a very decent and special person and deserve a good friend. Are you sure that maybe she doesnt want something more ?

Yes, maybe this girl is doing the classic "hard to get thing", maybe she has more intimate feelings than you do for this "friendship" (I mean this in her sense not yours) and is trying to draw your attention by acting noticibly (i can't spell!) unintrested (i should know, my did that to me and is still trying to, ha, i'm doing it back for a laugh, and he's going apes**t! :rolleyes:) i suggest that if she continues like this either: (i) Do the same or leave her alone for awhile.
(ii) Act like you were at the beginning of your friendship, these will ease things and stop you from being... too eager?

Hope that that may help a little.

"Why the cheese? Why not Henry?!"

Doctor Spoc

Originally posted by chill

Girls often keep a number of guys 'sweet' even though they may not be intentionally doing so.

This is very true, most of us are manlipliative cows!( it would have been better if i'd spelt manlipliative correctly eh?):rolleyes:

orangerooster

Well after some intially optomistic and happy advice-thats been kinda shot down now i guess.I think ill just leave it up to her and if she doesnt want to honour her promises thatll have to be fine with me!Thanks for the advice folks.

Yoda

All things are impermanent.

ColinM

Originally posted by Yoda
All things are impermanent.

Are you actually Yoda or something? Would "transient" not have done?

As for the topic - how about asking her what the story is for a final time? If she says she's not interested in knowing you any more, at least you can then put her out of your mind.

How does your girlfriend feel about your friendship with her by the way? Even if it is purely platonic, would she not feel jealous that you are not investing as much effort in developing your friendship with her?

Yoda

Sabbam aniccam. 'All things are impermanent.'

ColinM

Grand so, it's a buddhist thing then.

Yoda

And very sound advice too.

Losing a friend hurts. A couple of years ago two people I considered very close to me simply stopped speaking to me – independently of one another too; I was completely shut out. I learned a lot from that experience. It wasn't easy at first. I learned about letting go. I took the Buddha's teachings to heart, and meditated on loving my former friends without conditions. Finally I really got it. It was really very liberating.

And then two days later I met my partner.

Maybe had I not gone through that experience I wouldn't have been ready for that. Who knows?