UnJokes

Capt'n Midnight

Man: Doctor, I've broken my leg.

Doctor: I'm afraid it is a very bad break. You will never walk again.

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Knock, knock.

Who's there?

The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband has been killed.

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A man walks into a pub.

He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.

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Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?

She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low self-esteem.

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What do you call a cat with no tail?

A manx cat.

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Why do undertakers wear ties?

Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their appearance has a degree of gravitas.

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How many electricians does it take to change a lightbulb?

One.

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Why do women fake orgasms?

Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.

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Two men are sitting in a pub.

One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of strange men coming in and out of your wife's house.'

The other man replies: 'Yes, she has become a prostitue to subsidise her drug habit.'

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What's worse than finding a maggot in your apple?

Being raped.

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Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps out and runs away. One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders off.

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Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?

Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest.

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Pompey Magnus

Originally posted by Capt'n Midnight
Knock, knock.

Who's there?

The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband has been killed.

---

Why do women fake orgasms?

Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.

---

What's worse than finding a maggot in your apple?

Being raped.

---

Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps out and runs away. One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders off.

---

Whats wrong with me? Why do I find these hilarious?:(

UnrealQueen

There's something seriously wrong with you if you find these funny

:eek:

Raz

I find the complete lack of humour funny cos you just don't ex;0pect it on this board. (Plus I find the real world slightly laughable!)

Jabbathegut

OMG. They're good 'uns
Totally unexpected.

quank

Originally posted by Capt'n Midnight

What's worse than finding a maggot in your apple?

Being raped.

---

Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps out and runs away. One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders off.

---

HILARIOUS

took me a couple of mins to type this, so funny!
heehee, genius

cujimmy

Originally posted by Capt'n Midnight What's worse than finding a maggot in your apple?

Being raped.

Whats funny about rape

Sangre

Originally posted by cujimmy
Whats funny about rape

Shut up.

I thought they were great myself

Have to use electrian one sometime

5 gs for you.

exiztone

A man walks into a pub.

He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.

---

Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?

She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low self-esteem.

---

Two men are sitting in a pub.

One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of strange men coming in and out of your wife's house.'

The other man replies: 'Yes, she has become a prostitue to subsidise her drug habit.'

---

What's worse than finding a maggot in your apple?

Being raped.

---

Oh Jesus... those in particular had me laughing my ass off.

LoneGunM@n

There must be something wrong with me .... I know I shouldn't be laughing, but I just can't help myself!!

Tusky

hilarious !

jonhate

Rape is no laughing matter....unless your raping a clown.

Agent7249

*lol* Jonhate

Hobart

Funniest thing I have read in ages.

DeadBankClerk

Do girls find these funny?
A quick office poll here (3 people) says 100% of men (2) find them funny and 0% of women (1) don't.

Obscure

There not supposed to be funny! Their "Un-Jokes" remember??

milltown

Should be moved to the unhumour board.

Kold

The rape one is funny, it shouldnt be, we're all horrible people but stop being a fekking nazi about what u consider funny

quank

It's hilarious
END OF DISCUSSION!
/me closes big black book

oeNeo

Five G's.

Cake Fiend

Funnier than 90% of the muck that's posted on this board.

Although I think the rape one should be changed to 'being shot' or 'being chainsawed to death' or something - rape is definitely not a laughing matter. It's somehow easier to distance yourself from the idea of 'being shot' or whatever than the thought of rape.

In fact, I think

What's worse than finding a maggot in your apple?

Being chainsawed to death.

Would really work :ninja:

Cake Fiend

Originally posted by jonhate
Rape is no laughing matter....unless your raping a clown.

...although that made me laugh!

simu

Brilliant. The pinnacle of good humour. Anybody who dosen't get them is probably pretty dull in their way of thinking.

Although I think the rape one should be changed to 'being shot' or 'being chainsawed to death' or something - rape is definitely not a laughing matter. It's somehow easier to distance yourself from the idea of 'being shot' or whatever than the thought of rape.

If you can laugh about death, you most certainly can laugh about rape. Lighten up!

Töpher

And if you can laugh about rape, you can laugh at fisting a puppy with a rake!

simu

Exactly - sense of humour is an important mechanism for dealing with the more unpleasant sides of life.

Peace

Raping a clown....
Two cows in a field...


Way too funny i tells ya

joseph brand

Brilliant. I'm smiling like a horny priest at a childrens pantomime.

Electricians are obviously funny.

And so is rape, especially if unwanted.:D

joseph brand

Why did the old man join the tennis club??

Because he liked playing tennis.



A goldfish in a bowl.

He can't see out of the bowl so he just floats
there humming.

ferdi

some good old fashioned black humour:

why did mary fall off her bike?
because Johnny threw a fridge at her.

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why did the boy fall off the swing?
because he had no arms

why didnt he get up again?
because he had no legs

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<snip>

Dont be at yourself

Those are perhaps the funniest jokes I've ever read. Kudos!

BioHazRd

Guys - keep the jokes above the line of decency, ok !!

Ferdi has just been banned for posting a dead baby joke - they are not allowed as per the charter. Please read the charter before posting any more jokes, as I will not be giving any more warnings - just bannings.

Bio

sionnach

absolutely hilarious, wouldnt mind seeing more of these kinda jokes plz

classic! Bravo!

Kold

Whats so bad about dead baby jokes?

angelofdeath

rofl, those jokes are so much better than most of the actual jokes posted in this forum:)

exiztone

Originally posted by joseph brand
Why did the old man join the tennis club??

Because he liked playing tennis.

No.... no I won't take these kind of posts >=(

The Clown Man

Originally posted by jonhate
Rape is no laughing matter....unless your raping a clown.

Oi! I resent that!

And I can't quite put my finger on why they are so funny but I'm still laughing.

Töpher

Phew! Good thing I didn't post all the dead baby jokes then! I could fill pages off the top of my head! And was gonna start a new thread on it.

Does anyone read the charter/rules? I know I have never ever ever ever read one.

TomTom

dead baby jokes are sick, just plane sick.

Töpher

but they make ya laugh!

Agent7249

Originally posted by The Clown Man
Oi! I resent that!

LMFAO!!!/....