Austrailian Flight Announcements

shurl · 06-11-2003 4:11pm #1

All too rarely, Australian airline attendants make an effort to make
The in-flight "safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more
entertaining. here are some real examples that have been heard or
reported

On an Air NZ Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the
Pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will
be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance
the appearance of your flight attendants."

On landing the hostess said, "Please be sure to take all your
belongings.
If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something
we'd like to have."

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways
To leave the aircraft."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Auckland, a lone voice
came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Adelaide, a
flight attendat on a Qantas flight announced, "Please take care when
opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that,
sure as f*** everything has shifted."

From a Qantas employee: "Welcome aboard
Qantas Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seat belt,
insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull
tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't
know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public
Unspervised."

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend
from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your
face.

If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before
assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small
child, pick your favourite.

"Weather at our destination is 32 degrees with some broken clouds, but
we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and
remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Qantas Airlines."

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an
emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our
compliments."

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the
overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before
assisting children... or other adults acting like children."

Heard on Qantas Airlines just after a very hard landing in Hobart: The
flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump,
and I know what you are all thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't
the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight
attendant's fault... it was the asphalt!"

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We
ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
terminal."

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered
his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which
required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited,
smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying United. "He said that, in light of
his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye,
thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had
got off except for an old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind
If I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?"
The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

After a real crusher of a landing in Sydney, the Flight Attendant came
On with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt.
Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against
The gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are
silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the
wreckage to the terminal."

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank
You folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane
urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurised metal tube, we hope
you'll think of Qantas."

A plane was taking off from Mascot Airport. After it reached a
Comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the
intercom,
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to
Flight Number XYZ, non-stop from Sydney to Auckland. The weather ahead is
good and, therefore, we should have smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit
back and relax - ****! ARGHHH! OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed and after a
few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and
Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but, while I was
talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled
the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A
passenger in Economy said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"

S.

Beëlzebooze · 06-11-2003 5:05pm

funny, DAMN funny!

Kold · 06-11-2003 5:38pm

If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before
assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small
child, pick your favourite

My definite fave

waffles · 06-11-2003 6:23pm

A plane was taking off from Mascot Airport. After it reached a
Comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the
intercom,
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to
Flight Number XYZ, non-stop from Sydney to Auckland. The weather ahead is
good and, therefore, we should have smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit
back and relax - ****! ARGHHH! OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed and after a
few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and
Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but, while I was
talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled
the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A
passenger in Economy said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"

lol excellent