Funnies................

Monty - the one and only

Enjoy!!!


A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation...(She is speaking in a cheery voice) "Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye. " She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh" she replies, "That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."


A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodkas." The barman says "Wow! You must have had one hell of a day." "Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay." The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!" On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?" "Yeah, my wife..."


Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two hookers and take them to their separate hotel rooms. When they get to room, the first dwarf strips down but no matter how hard he tries, he is unable to get an> erection. His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the> next room, he hears cries of, "ONE, TWO, THREE...UUH" all> night long. In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?" The first whispered back, "It was so embarrassing. I just couldn't get an erection." The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?" He asked, "I couldn't even get on the bed"


An Arab diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The Grand Emir was unused to the salt in American foods (French fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water. Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty-handed. "Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the Grand Emir. "A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul, "WHITE man sit on well."


A doctor and his wife are having an argument in the morning over breakfast and the doctor blurts out, "You know what? You're not that great in bed anyways!"

So he goes off to work and thinks it over and decides to call his wife and make amends...

So he calls the house and the phone rings many, many times and then his wife finally answers the phone completely out of breath....

So the doctor says, "What were you doing?" and she says, "l was in bed!" and the doctor says, "What were you doing in bed so late in the day?"

The wife says, "getting a second opinion!"



92 year old man goes to the doctor for a physical. After a thorough exam by the Dr. he is pronounced O.K. for a man 92 years old. The man then asks; "What about my sperm count?" The Dr. looks around and says "You're 92, does it really matter?" The Old Guy gets agitated and says again, louder, What about my sperm count? So the Dr. goes to his desk takes out a specimen cup and gives it to the man. He tells the man "Go home and do your thing and bring me a sample, and we'll check it!
The next day the man returns to the Dr.s office with an empty jar! The Dr. asks what happened and the man says: Well, I went into the bathroom at home and I tried for a while with my right hand, and then I tried with my left hand, and then my wife came in and she tried with both her hands, and then with her teeth in, and then with her teeth out...
and neither one of us could get the lid off the jar!



A man is talking to God and asks him: "God, why did you make women so beautiful?", to which God replies: "so that you would find them attractive". Then the man asks: "God, but why did you have to make them so dumb?". To which God replies:
"So that they would find you attractive!"


A beautiful woman walks into a doctor’s office and the doctor is awe-struck. All his professionalism goes out the window.

He tells her to take off her pants and he starts rubbing her thighs. He says, "Do you know what I am doing?" She replies "Yes, checking for abnormalities."

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra and he starts rubbing her breasts. He says, "Do you know what I am doing now?" She replies "Yes, checking for lumps and cancer." Finally, he tells he takes off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her, and starts having sex with her. He says, "Do you know what I am doing now?" She replies "Yes, getting herpes. That's why I am here



A Polish guy is driving down the street in his brand new Cadillac, when he
stops at a stop sign, a black guy pulls a gun to his head, draws a circle
on the ground, and tells the Polish guy to get out of the car and stand in
the circle. Then the black guys starts beating his Cadillac, but when he
looks back, the Polish guy is laughing. So he keeps beating the car, looks
back and sees that he's laughing even harder. So he completely totals the
car, where there is no chance of driving it again, looks back and the
Polish guy is rolling on the ground, hysterical. The black guy says, "I'm
wrecking your car, why are you laughing?" And the Polish guy says, " While
you were thrashing my car, I was stepping in and out of the circle."


One day at the end of class little Chris's teacher has the class go home and think of story and then conclude the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story. Little Suzy raises her hand: "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."
The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket." Next is little Mary ... "well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched" ... teacher asks for the moral of the story... Lucy replies "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched" Last is little Chris ... "My Uncle Ed fought in the Vietnam war, his lane was shot down over enemy territory - he jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands." Teacher looks in shock at Chris and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story... Chris replies, "Don't **** with my Uncle"


A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when something goes wrong and it breaks down. Luckily, she happens to be near a farmhouse. She goes up to the farmhouse and knocks on the door. When the farmer answers, she says to him, "It's Sunday night and my car broke down! I don't know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until tomorrow when I can get some help?"
"Well," drawls the farmer, "you can stay here, but I don't want you messin' with my sons Jed and Luke."
She looks through the screen door and sees two men standing behind the farmer. She judges them to be in the early twenties.
"Okay," she says.

After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to get a little horny just thinking about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly goes into their room and says, "Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?"
They say, "Huh?"
She says, "The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers." She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go it all night long.

Forty years later, Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth. Jed says, "Luke?"
Luke says, "Yeah, Jed?"
Jed says, "You remember that blond woman that came by here about forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?"
"Yeah", says Luke, "I remember."
"Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?" asks Jed.
"Nope," says Luke, "I reckon not."
"Me neither" says Jed, "Let's take these things off.

There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides
to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it.

The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new
hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty
for you because I love you so much."

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and
gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so
much."

The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the
$5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our
future because I love you so much."

The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, and decided to
marry the one with the biggest breasts.



Sally asked her husband, Bob to go to the store for her to get some items
for dinner. Bob left for the store, and about 10 minutes later Bobs friend
Steve knocked on the door. when Sally opened the door Steve asked for Bob
and Sally told him he would be right back, that he just had ran to the
store. So Steve came in and sat down. After a moment Steve said to Sally,
"You have the most incredible breasts I have ever seen! I will give you a
$100 if you just let me see just one of them." So Sally thought about it
and figured she could use a $100 and all he wanted to do is look. So she
opened her blouse to one side and gave Steve a real nice peek. Steve then
thanked her and laid the $100 bill on the table. But after thinking about
what he had just seen he said to her, " that was everything I could have
imagined but I would love to see them both at the same time, I will give
you another $100 if I can see them both at the same time." So Sally gladly
pulled her blouse open and showed off her breasts to Steve then buttoned
her blouse back up and picked up the other $100 bill off the table.
Steve then said, " Thank you, but I can't wait for Bob any longer so just
let him know I stopped by."
After about 15 minutes Bob came back from the store and was putting the
groceries away when Sally told Bob that Steve had come by but could not
stay. Bob said, "great I don't suppose that he left me that $200 he owed
me!"



One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts
rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment
tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few
minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you
have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

At a Texas University, a Professor had been teaching his students human reproduction. For an exam, one of the questions was: "Female humans are born with a limited number of eggs, while males, during their lifetime, produce millions upon millions of sperm. Why are so many sperm produced?" One young woman's answer: "Because they won't ask for directions either."



A young man is staggering about drunk with a key in his hand.

"What's going on `ere then?" says a passing policeman.

"They stole me bloody car!" shouts the drunk.

"Where did you last see it?" asks the copper.

"On the end of this key!" wails the drunk.

The policeman looks him over and says,"Are you aware, sir, that your penis is hanging out of your trousers?".

"Holy ****!" screams the drunk, "They got me girlfriend too!"



In a certain suburban neighborhood, there were two brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had had a hand in it. Their parents were at their wit's end trying to control them.
Hearing about a priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to the father that they ask the priest to talk with the boys. The father replied, "Sure, do that before I kill them!"
The mother went to the priest and made her request. He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the mother sent him to the priest.
The priest sat the boy down across a huge, impressive desk he sat behind. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the priest pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"
The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, but said nothing.
Again, louder, the priest pointed at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"
Again the boy looked all around but said nothing. A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the priest leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost to the boy's nose, and asked, "Where is God?"
The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief. He finally said, "We are in BIIIIG trouble."
The older boy asked, "What do you mean, BIIIIG trouble?"
His brother replied, "God is missing... and they think we did it."



A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Japanese businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating. "What the hell do you guys think you are doing?", she barks angrily. One of the Japanese men replies: "Can't you see? We are all berry hungry." The waitress says: "So how is whacking off in the middle of the restaurant going to help that situation??" One of the other businessmen replies: "Because menu say FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED!"

Rev Hellfire

I now proudly present the worst joke in the world, although your attempts were quiet good.

A man walks into a bar, and hurts his head.

You may start laughing.

Monty - the one and only

Thats so bad, you have to laugh!

Monty - the one and only

and before anyone says it, I did not type all of that. I dont have to much free time anymore!

Asuka

Hellfire, thats just a variation on the *oldest* of old blond jokes...

I probably shouldnt say it as i dont know who here is blond but...
2 blonds walk into a bar.
You'd think one of them would have seen it.

There, it is the first and the worst.

Asuka

Hecate

what has 2 legs and bleeds?

half a dog.

Rev Hellfire

Asuka you can say what you like, but you missed the mark, and will forever be known as the person who almost had the worst joke in the world.

I'm also proud to present the second worst joke in the world.

What do you call a fly with no wings
A walk.

Feel free to laugh at any time.


As you can see the world should be thankful I give up my stage act inorder to take up a career as a software developer ( a south side programmer ), although if you've seen the code I produce I may be making a come back soon

TwoShedsJackson

How did Marvin Gaye die??

He heard it through the carbine.

What were the last words Marvin Gaye's father said to him??

This is the last 45 you'll ever hear.

Sorry folks, had to throw those in

adra

dont even start me you lot of ****ing pigs!

Chow Yun Fat

what do you call a spider with no legs?
a raisen

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