***The Duality of Computing.

Kai

Ahm heres a little story i wrote today in work, just basically feeling pissed off. i gave it 3 stars cos i used bastard a lot. its not meant to be perfect just a bit funny.


The Duality of Computing.

Most of you will read that title and expect an in-depth look into how computers have shaped our world and their positive effect upon our everyday lives. I am not going to do that, I am not going to do that because we have all heard it a thousand times before. Instead I thought I would write about the suffering computers cause everyday to ordinary people like you and me. I have been cursed with having a good viewpoint over the battlefield, where the war between PC’s and People takes place. I am a Customer Support Technician for an Internet Provider, and I have seen the best and worst that both sides have to offer. The Heartaches and Headaches, the Hard drives and Help files that make up my normal work day will hopefully bring some sort of happiness to your life. The kind of happiness that can only come from knowing that some poor bastard somewhere has it a lot worse than you.

I suppose I should start at the beginning. In May 1976 Apple released their first PC, the Apple 1, Four years later I was born and 20 years after that I got my current job. I think that is sufficient history on both computers and me for a while, now on with the pain. In my job I take call after call from people experiencing all types of problems, from broken 3 ½ inch floppies to virus ridden bodies, but these problems are personal matters for the customer to sort out, I can only help with their computer problems. I am a great believer in the saying “Computers don’t make mistakes, humans do” and I witness it every day. I remember one lady I was trying to help kept me guessing as to why our software wouldn’t install from CD. We tried almost everything, she restarted the PC, tried different CDs. I found God, lost God, lost some hair, found some expressive terms for the old dear while hitting the silence button on my phone. In the end it turned out she was putting the CD in the drive upside down (that’s shiny side up to those non-computing Guru’s out there). When I had found my voice and wiped the tears from my eyes I asked her why she placed her disks in upside down. Her reply was that she thought our disks were different, apparently our company at an expense of millions and against the laws of physics had devised a way to make our CD’s work upside down and through the layer of paint covering on the top of the disks! After a small trip to the A&E ward of our local hospital where the lovely Dr Kumar patched up my imploded skull I was back at my desk ready for another trip into the world of the unreal.

The worrying thing about my job is not that I get so many weird and wonderfully stressful moments each day, the worrying thing is that my brain has started to block these moments out. I’m sure with a fully functioning mind I could write volumes of strange and frightening moments that have happened to me but apparently my brain wont allow it. This is probably a defensive mechanism to protect my fragile sanity from one-day snapping. Revealing a murderous lunatic hell bent on extracting the same pain from that bastard member that he forced me to endure with his constant whining “why doesn’t it work, should I click on this with the right mouse button or the left?” It’s not impossible that this could happen, I do after all know their name and address. But the company I work for has allowed for this and ensures that the members I speak to live in a different country than i. They hope that by the time I buy the ticket, catch the ferry, then the bus to his hometown and finally locate the member that my fury would have abated from a murderous rage to a shallow whimper and I just turn and scuttle back home. It has worked so far but who knows what the future holds.

After 3 years working here nothing surprises me anymore, several things disgust, depress, bore and sadden me towards the future of the human race but few things surprise me. You hear stories from time to time of daring feats of stupidity accomplished by our Members, which makes the heart flutter. Like the woman who rang us because her cup holder was broken. After 10 minutes on the phone we found out she was referring to her CD tray which she used as a place-mat for her cups of tea, to avoid staining the table top I assume. Or the guy who rang up with a problem and was told to close any open windows and return to his Desktop, after five minutes the member returned to the phone stating that he had closed the windows downstairs and should he do the ones upstairs. I mean what do you say to that, really someone tell me because I don’t know. There was no mention of this in training! I assumed people would have a basic understanding of computers, be able to turn them on and off and such. I was wrong. Mostly the calls I get are no where near as exciting as that mentally challenged window closer or Tea Top Terry. I mean think about it for a moment, sitting in your living room or somewhere in your house is a computer (if not then why are you reading this?). Now this computer can be used for wonderous things, for Music, Games, writing a short story about your job to pass the time. But the sad fact is that the majority of these computers provide only pain to their owners and me. Lets take a look at the average person who calls me for help. First off they are a cautious breed, I have yet to see one in the flesh, just vague reports of them being almost Neanderthal in appearance, vigorously scratching their heads while searching for that elusive CTRL key. “Bottom right” I scream but to no avail the member is off on his hunting ritual. Quite a display, we belive its purpose is for attracting a mate but again reports are sketchy. The display comprises of the member naming each key in no apparent order until the pesky culprit is captured. It’s a slow process and one that we hope gets left behind when evolution decides to catch up with our specimens. This ritual resembles another trait we have discovered, we call it the “See everything on the screen apart from what I want you to see” trait. This is quite a common behaviour and one of the most confusing. Studies are being conducted to find out if it is a physical problem (the bastards are blind) or just a throw back to some long forgotten defense behaviour, like the ostrich burying his head in the sand. The member will swear blind that they cannot see what is directly in front of them. Patience is what is needed here, some gently guidance and firm reassurance that it is indeed there in front of their ****ing nose. Eventually the mist will clear and it will see what it was looking for, or else I just hang up before I need another trip to Dr Kumaar.

BEAT

holy jeebus that was funneh!
I have friends in similar jobs and I have heard similar stories, I dont know what ur going on about, I'd love to hear these people it is so funneh! i would be laughing at these people while they were talking, hahaha
oh, my tummy is a bit sore, good stuff alright

let's hear more please!!

echomadman

That brings back memories, would I do phone support again, i'd rather be force fed boiling oil thank you
Now i run an internet cafe, and i'm face to face with these people, on the frontline as it were. But I take it one day at a time, and nobodys been hurt yet.

SantaHoe

Originally posted by Frugu
Ahm heres a little story i wrote today in work.

You're not being paid to write, get back to work.
Man, three years in tech support though... I quit after 6 months of that nightmare.

Here's something that might cheer you up:
Where I used to work, there was a guy who on his last day transferred all his calls to the Samaritans hotline.... the supervisors were all wondering how his call duration was so low, until they copped it and gave him a nice security escort from the buiding

The Beer Baron

and nobodys been hurt yet.

Physically that is.

I think between me and echo's logs I've enough
material for a novel or a sitcom or a sad inditement on society or something.

Quite amusing Frugu, really, and we share your pain, really we do, @ least as you say, they're in another country than you, that's a good thing. And at least they speak the same language.

I mean there ain't nothing I love more than trying to explain that you have to type your own letters missuz, and I know your computer crashed, so has his and see that massive american thing in the corner her AOL's crashed too, computers do that, oh right, yes jihad.net again was it sir? Yeah well, allah's just crashed your computer, no sir I'll be with you in a moment, so what did you want again? Oh right- so after 10 mins I finally figure out that you want me to help you send attachments, now normally sending attachments is a rather simple thing, but not when the webmail client is in Russian. "Now which one of these crazy words means attach?"
"Huh..."
"Oh sweet jesus...WHITCHSKI ATTATCHSKI?!"

Oh yes...we share your pain.

Kai

Thanks guys,
I Re-read it again and it rambles a lot and i left out quite a few jokes and stuff. It had a calming effect on me for a short period and some of my co-workers had a laugh out of it so thats good enough for me.
i recently snapped and started screaming at a customer over the phone so they have me working in a nice padded room far from the phones now.

The Beer Baron

Screaming @ customers is a great thing.
It relieves tension.
And acts as an eyeopener for the customer.