extra marrital affair

LegacyUser

I am looking for some advice.

The facts of the case is this. My 19 year old friend (female) has just lost her virginiy to a man, (36).

Not only is he SO much older, he is also married, with kids for the last 14 years. They met through a wrong number and he has been texting her since. They met up finally on thursday last and ended up having sex in his family car. He SAYS this is his first time. doing it.

I have an oppertunity to meet him, to discuss the matter, but I have already had my sources workign on it and have found his family home address, phone number and other details.

I believe that affairs are very wrong. I am very strong on this point. And I don't believe that he will stop if ther are no consequences to his actions. He will keep on sleeping with young girls behingd his familys back.

i do not feel it is fair on his wife to have this happen to them, and I am in a position to tell her theses details, in an attempt to help them work it out, and to let her know that is happening extra to her knowledge.


Any ideas?

Mark

zenith

Good question!

My 2c: your friend is an adult, and can sleep with whomsoever she likes.

He is also an adult, and presumably knows the difference between right and wrong.

In this case, he's very probably wrong, but since when were you the Commission for the Promotion of Virtue and Elimination of Vice?

If you act on this, you will very probably lose your friend (and I have a slight suspicion you'd like her to be more than a friend, and are a bit miffed at this turn in circumstances), and will potentially break up a family. Regardless of the treachery he has shown to his wife, I'm sure his kids like having him around at home. You may not approve of his morals, but your friend is equally culpable.

I'd button my lip, and cold-shoulder my friend, if it offended me that much.

Beruthiel

Originally posted by Mark_Concionce
I have an oppertunity to meet him, to discuss the matter

!!??
why would you be meeting this guy? I’m wondering what business this is of yours? Don’t get me wrong, I have no sympathy for this man, if he has a wife and kids he shouldn’t be behaving like this, but this is between him and your friend, it takes two to tango and she is as much to blame here as he is, I never understand people who have affairs with married men/women, don’t they know what they are doing to the rest of the people involved here? The heartache they will cause. If I were you, I’d keep out of it, tell your friend you disapprove if you wish, and your reasons why, but after that there is nothing you should be doing really

in an attempt to help them work it out

I don't know what planet you are living on here, but the chances of them working it out if you tell them, is slim to nothing. there is a very good chance she will kick him to the curb, then you will be involved in helping to break up a family, do you want that on your conscience? I'm not saying his wife does not have the right to know, but you would want to think long and hard before getting involved here.

bugler

To be fair, if the end result of this is a broken marriage it won't be this chaps fault. I think the whole husband screwing another woman thing would be to blame. Eh...I'm not saying rat him up. If you're friends with this girl then lay it all out for her, does she know all that you do about him, yeah? Well, if either of these people is your responsibility, and I suppose no one is but yourself, then it's your friend. So I'd probably work from that side of things. What he is doing is wrong, but he's not the only one behaving in such a fashion, and where do you draw the line when acting against these people?

By the way, seeing as she has sex on the first night, could you PM me her number?

ur mentor

love to take part in poll
but din't like options on offer -looks to me like they are skewed to trying to encourage us to vote for Mark to alow him to jsutify his predetermined course of action
Two adults ahving sex ahs been going on since time immemorable
man having partner at home and enjoying chase and pursuit of another is also part of an age old story
Unfortunately teh end has beenplayed out to mant times
broken trust hearts and families are the results.
I know guys who would like to wind the clock back but lifes not like that
talk to ur friend as a friend concerned about the lack of future inthis
then leave them alone- you'll get the blame in the fallout

rachel

have to agree with ur mentor here about the poll.
you're not this man's moral conscience.
yes, at 19 your friend is young but she's not too young to know the difference between right & wrong.
she went willingly and agreed to consensual sex, if he had pushed her into it or even god forbid, raped her then maybe you could justify getting involved with this but at the moment you seem to be acting quite immaturely.
If you need to, then speak to your friend and let her know how you feel but I'd advise that you do this tactfully.
As for telling his wife, firstly she may choose to go into denial and disregard what you say but more than likely you could ruin this family. You have no right to do this, obviously if he's screwing around there's something wrong and he will probably eventually get caught but as I've said already it really is none of your business and as zenith said, he may not be a good husband but that doesn't mean he's not a good father.

gandalf

To be honest man this is really none of your business at all. Your Friend is an adult and assuming she knew he was married she made her decision as an adult. He is also an adult and makes his decisions as one as well no matter how wrong we all think they are.

My question is this why do you think you have the right to stick your nose into others business. If your friend has requested your help well I can understand that but you would be well advised to step back and let the situation sort itself out.

Believe me if this guy is doing this on a regular basis then he will be found out.

Live your own life and let others get on with theirs.

Gandalf.

The Corinthian

It’s none of your business and any moralistic meddling is likely to cause more harm than good. You friend may also be much younger than him, but she’s not a child any more and isn’t exactly blameless either. Frankly I would tend to agree with zenith’s observation that that jealousy is also playing a part in your motives.

Samson

I agree with the majority here, don't go meddling.
It really is none of your business.

As for your very naive idea of having a chat with the guy about the situation, depending on the guy, it could potentially end up with you in hospital.

Caesar_Bojangle

I'm guessing you're male and want to be with her?

Paddy20

Mark,

You are a puzzle to me. What the hell has your friends affair got to do with you. Can I respectfully suggest that you shut your mouth and keep it shut.

You are contemplating potentially ruining, how many peoples lives!, his wifes, his innocent childrens!. How you can even consider such a thing is beyond my comprehension.

Get yourself a life. Go and live it, and leave others alone.

If I was the married man, and met you, I would probably break your bloody neck, or leave it to someone else to do it, as that is what happens to people like you, eventually!.

P.:ninja:

p

Do people have no sense of right or wrong any more? I don't understand this no medding attitude in this situation.

If you found out that someone stole from someone else you'd tell them wouldn't you.

Why is it when there's sex involved people attitude suddely changing to sayin that the victims should be left in ignorance. That's a crime in itself.

The Corinthian

Originally posted by p
Why is it when there's sex involved people attitude suddely changing to sayin that the victims should be left in ignorance. That's a crime in itself.

There is no crime. It may be morally wrong, but it's not illegal. It may not even be terribly morally wrong either; we do not know if the man in question is not separated from his wife, or has an open marriage, for example.

The primary issue is not that there’s sex involved, but a potentially explosive network of relationships. If the man’s spouse is to be told, then it is something best left to a friend of hers who would know how it would affect her and her children, not to a complete stranger who feels either morally indignant or potentially jealous.

Fools rush in where angels fear to thread, p...

Nevyn

Do you really think that your friend has not thought about this?
An older married guy may be just what she wanted for her first lover. Some who's know what he was at and who would not want relationship.

Yes the married guy is by most people’s standards playing out of bounds, but who are you to destroy his marriage.
Maybe his wife suspects but is letting it go for she loves him or want to keep the family life she has. Maybe she is none the wiser that is how it is meant to be. More " Married" people have affairs or flings them most people would ever think it.
But their life does not come to crises they move on; yes it is more common for the husband then the wife but doesn’t mean the marriage is over. For better and for worse...

Winters

Originally posted by Mark_Concionce
I have already had my sources workign on it and have found his family home address, phone number and other details.

Someone works for special branch

eh, your friend is an adult and can make her own decisions. They may be wrong but thats for her to learn. You know what its like trying to tell someone not to do it or its wrong for them to do it ... they just gotta do it.

You cant make a differance without possibly doing something bad, that is unless you believe you can reason with them. dont start stalking the guy then grab him in an alley and threten to beat the hell-o-crap out of him for what he is doing. that doesnt work ... pity.

If you cant reason with them let it be.

p

Originally posted by The Corinthian
There is no crime. It may be morally wrong, but it's not illegal. It may not even be terribly morally wrong either; we do not know if the man in question is not separated from his wife, or has an open marriage, for example.

True, true, but odds are it's not any of those. I mean, wouldnt you feel guilty if his wife got an STD because of your inaction?

The primary issue is not that there’s sex involved, but a potentially explosive network of relationships. If the man’s spouse is to be told, then it is something best left to a friend of hers who would know how it would affect her and her children, not to a complete stranger who feels either morally indignant or potentially jealous.

So you should tell her friend then?

Fools rush in where angels fear to thread, p...

Well, there's always a word of truth in that.

- Kevin

The Corinthian

Originally posted by p
True, true, but odds are it's not any of those. I mean, wouldnt you feel guilty if his wife got an STD because of your inaction?

Odds are??!! So you’d advocate moral intervention based upon an assumption, a few odds picked out of the air and very few facts?

As for your STD analogy, what are the odds of that? Actually do you know any of these odds?

So you should tell her friend then?

If you really feel the need to act as morality police then I expect that course of action would result in your causing the least harm.

Well, there's always a word of truth in that.

If you bother to listen to it.

LegacyUser

I think you've ulterior motives in this whole thing. But despite this I'll stick my own 2c in and tell yu to let everyone know!

You'll get **** for squealing and they'll get **** for doing the dirty on their respective partners. If it's a true relationship and they're meant to be together then that'll get sorted out to - much faster than it would if no one finds out for years and when things are much more complicated.

The Sweeper

Originally posted by Mark_Concionce
I am looking for some advice.

Read: "I am hoping you'll all agree with me".

Originally posted by Mark_Concionce
The facts of the case is this.

"This is how I see it."

Originally posted by Mark_Concionce
My 19 year old friend (female)

..and therefore an adult...

Originally posted by Mark_Concionce
has just lost her virginiy to a man, (36).

...and also, therefore, an adult.

Originally posted by Mark_Concionce
Not only is he SO much older, he is also married, with kids for the last 14 years.

"I have no idea if this man is happily married, if his wife loves him, if he thinks he loves his wife, or if he and his wife are both miserable and would have separated years ago except for the children."

Originally posted by Mark_Concionce
They met through a wrong number and he has been texting her since.

...texts to which she must have responded to be able to organise:

Originally posted by Mark_Concionce
They met up finally on thursday last and ended up having sex in his family car.

...I'm curious. Would it have been less of a crime if he drove a two seater convertible? Does the fact that it's designed to carry four passengers make it a moral statement as opposed to a road vehicle?

Originally posted by Mark_Concionce
He SAYS this is his first time. doing it.

"...And I have absolutely no proof as to whether or not that's the truth."

Originally posted by Mark_Concionce
I have an oppertunity to meet him, to discuss the matter, but I have already had my sources workign on it and have found his family home address, phone number and other details.

Oh roll on the anti-stalking laws so such invasions of privacy are punishable as the intrusive crimes that they are.

Originally posted by Mark_Concionce
I believe that affairs are very wrong. I am very strong on this point.

...we gathered, stalker-boy.

Originally posted by Mark_Concionce
And I don't believe that he will stop if ther are no consequences to his actions. He will keep on sleeping with young girls behingd his familys back.

"...I have nothing only my own 'very strong' opinions to base this on."

Originally posted by Mark_Concionce
i do not feel it is fair on his wife to have this happen to them,

"...even though I have no idea whether or not she's a selfish cheating bitch herself, or perhaps she's an unloving woman who never loved her husband in the first place, or maybe she's content to rear her children and allow the man she married subsidise her without giving him any emotional return at all."

Originally posted by Mark_Concionce
and I am in a position to tell her theses details,

"...and I am an interfering busybody"

Originally posted by Mark_Concionce
in an attempt to help them work it out,

"...in an attempt to ruin their lives"

Originally posted by Mark_Concionce
and to let her know that is happening extra to her knowledge.

"...and to very possibly f*ck things up for her completely even though it's none of my business and I know, in fact, nothing about any part of this situation except that it offends my sensibilities."

Originally posted by Mark_Concionce
Any ideas?

...do I need to answer that?

Peace

Stay out of it, its got nothing to do with you. If the guy had sex with you then you'd be involved but he didn't. So its now up to your friend and the guy to deal.

Surely you have better things to be doing?

Hobbes

"He married for a reason and doesn't love her"

"She doesn't love/understand him"

"He loves only me"

"He will leave her for me"

:rolleyes:

Affairs nearly always end bad. Telling them or not is up to you, however I would tell your friend to cop the fuk on and break contact with them if they are doing something which you don't agree with.

Sure the girl and man are making the choices, what about the kids and wife? If your spouse was having an affair you would want to know?

Typedef

Yeah it has to be said.

While you friend is an adult... it's rare you get an opportunity to stir the "sh it" like this... so if it were me... and I didn't know/care about the old perv in question, I'd drop him in it, just for the pleasure of watching him squirm.

Then again... that might seem a little sadistic.

Go for it! [thumbs up]

seamus

Originally posted by Mark_Concionce
I believe that affairs are very wrong. I am very strong on this point. And I don't believe that he will stop if ther are no consequences to his actions. He will keep on sleeping with young girls behingd his familys back.

Sounds like you're jealous that he's old and getting more poontang than you. Go out and get yourself laid.

Whoah, sorry, thought I was Merc_tilt for a second there

It's none of your business. If it annoys you, ignore it. If you don't like what your friend is doing, don't have her as a friend anymore. Seeing as you've been able to trace him so readily, he can probably trace you just as easily. If you tell his wife, prepare to end up in hospital.

Stay out of it.

LegacyUser

To the original poster, I really don't think it's any of your business. If you feel you must do something, talk to your friend and explain the harm that she may (and it is after all a may as we don't know the full facts) be doing. And by that I don't mean the harm to a marriage but rather the fact that she's doing something that should be quite special in the back of a car with a man that she hardly knows after a couple of texts.

However on the subject of extra marital affairs it got me thinking. Is there ever a circumstance where they can be forgiveable, or at least understandable?

seamus

Originally posted by Biellenne
However on the subject of extra marital affairs it got me thinking. Is there ever a circumstance where they can be forgiveable, or at least understandable?

Understandable possibly, but there's never a good reason for a covert affair. If you're considering having an affair, it means there's something wrong with the marraige, and so you should at least make an attempt to sort that out instead of heading off on quick romance, and hurting your partner.

LegacyUser

Send his wife an anonymous letter with some times & dates, along the lines of where was your hubby on the xxth of Whenever at YY:YY , you protect your identify and drop him in the sh1tter.

Paddy20

Stirrer,GET LOST!.

P.:ninja:

Beruthiel

Stirrer
Paddy

NO TROLLING!
B

chump

To Original Poster:

It is very rough altogether, and whether you fancy the girl or not I think your motives are spot on.

But, dont rat the old man out to his missus, that's not your beef. Your beef should be with trying to help your friend see sense, and when she eventually does make her feel better for being a complete fool.

Deal with her, and if she thinks the durty bastard should be ratted on, then fair enough, go for it without getting yourself caught.

But first things first - save the girl.

LegacyUser

Mind your own business. Why do you want to put your nose in it? Is it going to make your life better? Give you chances you may want with this friend?

Had a ''FRIEND'' of ours tell me about my husband's affair because he thought that I could deal better with it if I knew!!!!! Repair my relationship....forgive my husband...If I loved him, according to him this gave us the chance to really communicate now....

Well, I had a feeling that he was getting very distant this and had already taken steps to restore my relationship and it was working.....until this goody two shoes jerk interfered...I can't pretend it's just a feeling anymore and although my husband is saying he wants to stay in the mariage, says he still has feelings for me, that he stopped all contact with the other person and I can see he is trying, I get anxiety attacks, I feel insecure, angry etc....

Personnaly I would have preferred never have been told... we would have worked out our relationship by ourself and decide ourselves where it is going...

What right do you think you have of interferring? Who made you so perfect that you have to object and spread it when others are doing things that you don't agree with?

I think you should live your life and let others live theirs.....

3cups

Hear hear, the original poster is also around 19 yrs old, his friend is getting laid, he isn't - he is desperately hurt by this cos he fancies her and is desperate to put a stop to the relationship at all costs in order to boost his own chances of dipping the spoon in the custard. Hence he suddenly develops a "conscience" and becomes an "objector" and subscribes to a brand new code of ethics if he thinks they will pull him closer to the objective.

He posted here looking for validation, to find other like minded people who would allay his fears that what he was contemplating was in fact born of jealousy, barely suppressed rage, and self-loathing.

Teenagers are too bloody easy to work out. Genital-driven fools.

Conscience me ar$e.

tck

the poll is too one sided

you need to have an option like,

Stay out of it - it's not my affair

Going Demented

I don't think it is any of your business. I would say butt out of it.