Humerous news

Monty - the one and only

A mate mailed this.....
the last one is pretty sick


From The Gloucester Citizen:
'A sex line caller complained to Trading
Standards. After dialling an 0891 number
from an advertisement entitled "Hear Me
Moan" the caller was played a tape of a
woman nagging her husband for failing to do
jobs around the house. Consumer Watchdogs in
Dorset refused to look into the complaint,
saying, "He got what he deserved."'

From The Guardian:
"After being charged 20 pounds for a 10
pounds overdraft, 30 year old Michael Howard
of Leeds changed his name by deed poll to
"Yorkshire Bank Plc are Fascist *******s".
The Bank has now asked him to close his
account, and Mr *******s has asked them to
repay the 69p balance by cheque, made out in
his new name."

Phreakers, or 'phone hackers, managed to
break into the telephone system of 'Weight
Watchers' in Glasgow, and changed the
outgoing message to 'Hello, you fat *******'

From the Churchdown Parish Magazine:
"Would the Congregation please note that the
bowl at the back of the Church, labelled
For The Sick", is for monetary donations
only.'

From The Guardian concerning a sign seen in
a Police canteen in Christchurch, New
Zealand: 'Will the person who took a slice of cake
from the Commissioner's Office return it
immediately. It is needed as evidence in a
poisoning case.'

From The Times:
'A young girl, who was blown out to sea on a
set of inflatable teeth, was rescued by a
man on an inflatable lobster. A coast-guard
spokesman commented:
"This sort of thing is all too common these
days."'

From The Scottish Big Issue:
'In Sydney, 120 men named Henry attacked
each other during a "My Name is Henry"
convention. Henry Pantie of Canberra accused
Henry Pap of Sydney of not being a Henry at
all, but in fact an Angus. "It was a lie",
explained Mr Pap, "I'm a Henry and always
will be.", whereupon Henry Pap attacked
Henry Pantie, whilst two other Henrys -
Jones and Dyer - attempted to pull them
apart. Several more Henrys - Smith,
Calderwood and Andrews - became involved and
soon the entire convention descended into a
giant fist fight. The brawl was eventually
broken up by riot police, led by a man named
Shane."

From The Daily Telegraph in a piece headed
"Brussels Pays 200,000 Pounds to
Save Prostitutes":
"... the money will not be going directly
into the prostitutes' pocket, but will be
used to encourage them to lead a better
life. We will be training them for new
positions in hotels."

From The Derby Abbey Community News:
We apologise for the error in the last
edition, in which we stated that 'Mr Fred
Nicolme is a Defective in the Police Force'. >
This was a typographical error. We meant of
course that Mr Nicolme is a Detective in the
Police Farce."

From The Manchester Evening News:
"Police called to arrest a naked man on the
platform at Piccadilly Station released
their suspect after he produced a valid rail
ticket."

An Austrian circus dwarf died recently when
he bounced sideways from a trampoline and
was swallowed by a hippopotamus. Seven
thousand people watched as little Franz
Dasch popped into the mouth of Hilda the
Hippo and the animal's gag reflex forced it
to swallow. The crowd applauded wildly
before other circus people realised what had
happened.

An elderly woman at a unit for sufferers of
senile dementia passed round a box of
mothballs thinking that they were mints.
Eleven people were taken to hospital for
treatment.

Following drinking binge in Christchurch,
New Zealand, Koto Salaki passed out - so his
buddies stripped him and shaved off his
eyebrows as a joke. Getting no reaction,>
they proceeded to cut off his ear and glue
it onto his forehead. Doctors managed to sew
it back on.

After a heavy drinking session in Weymouth
in August 1990, 51 year old Philip Pyne
fancied a kip on a bench. To stop himself
rolling off, he put 12 nails through his
trousers and in the process, drove several
of them through his leg. Fortunately he was
discovered by police.

An operation at Nottingham hospital in
January 1989 ended prematurely when the
patient exploded. The casualty, an
82-year-old woman, was undergoing
electrosurgery for cancer. The blast was
attributed to an unusual build-up of stomach
gases ignited by the sparks.