Advice needed, sort of...

A Nonny Mouse

Ok - first off, I suppose I should explain the "sort of"... Something nasty happened (let me get to it, I'll explain what in a minute...!). And I know what I should do is never, ever have anything to do with the person who did it, ever again. That's fine. But what's really messing me up at the moment is that the person who did it was my boyfriend for 'bout 10 months (*grins* And that's a long time, for me!), and even when we broke up, I still loved him to bits. Even after what he's done damnit, I still want to see him, want to spend time with him, want to do stuff with him - ALMOST want to go out with him again (not really, just kind of...).
So what did he do? This really is nasty, so I'm spoilering it - its not the kind of stuff I want anyone to be forced to read, and I'll be perfectly happy to take your advice just based on knowing it was really nasty...

It was our last night on holidays, we were staying in a hostel, in a room with two other people (some French couple - we didn't really get to talk to them much)... I was wrecked, so I went to bed earlyish...
Bout tenish (I think - time is a little hazy!) I woke up, cos it felt like something was falling on me or something... Realised it was a person, started kicking and screaming blue murder, couldn't understand why he (the ex) wasn't coming to help me... Then I woke up a bit more, realised it WAS him, and got very, very scared...! I didn't have the presence of mind to aim my kicks - I don't think he was violent - I was sort of half awake, then waking up, but as I woke up, it was just a definite feeling of "****, get out of here, no matter what it takes"...
I couldn't do anything - once I got him off, he wanted me to kick him in the balls, punish him, something... I just sat on the bed, crying. I couldn't move... When I eventually did move, it was just to grab what clothes were beside the bed, and run down to the TV room, beside the lobby... The girl at reception thought I was really weird!
I texted a friend at home - I was completely in shock, and texted her, cos I didn't think I could speak... She calmed me down a little, and then when the other two staying in the room came back, I went up with them & got into bed... Couldn't sleep tho =(
Talked to him about it the next day... He just wanted to have sex, and knew I wouldn't say yes if he asked (damn right there!) - I make him horny, we'd been travelling together for a week, and he doesn't like **** - says its not good enough...
And yet damnit, despite ALL of that,

I still feel like I want to see him again - and not to gouge his eyes out or whatever... And yes, I do know its a bad idea... Its that dichotomy that's making me ask advice...! But what should I do?

WhiteWashMan

while you say he said he wanted to have sex and yet knew you wouldnt say yes, he has pretty much forced himself physically on you.
to me that is rape. and yet you dont use that word once.
or maybe you feel that you over-reacted?

anyway, if i was in your position, i think apart from the above, i would feel bad that i could be so disrespected. that someone could ever force themselves upon me and control me and use me in such a manner would immediately want me to never have anything to do with them again. but thats me.
however, i do not think that someone who thinks the can do that to someone are worth hanging around, no matter how much you like, or want or love or whatever.

what do you think about it?

Typedef

You must be nuts to be asking this question after what you just posted.

Have some self respect ffs and chuck this jerk.

*boggle*

sutty

I have to agree with WWM and typedef on this, Dont go near that guy again. That is really fcuked up...

A Nonny Mouse

WWM - yeah, it is. But I can't seem to use that word - not because I can't accept that he did it, but because I can't accept that it happened to ME...
Thanks for your explanation, it has cleared my head a little, thinking about why I don't wanna use that word - see, I still can't damn well say it...!
Yes, I know right well that having anything to do with him is stupid, maybe even reckless/dangerous. But what I'm trying to figure out is why the hell I could possibly want to?! Cos I do want to (no, I won't, but I still want to). It makes no sense tho... Maybe I didn't make clear that that's what I was wondering about...?
A Confused Nonny Mouse

athena 2000

A Nonny Mouse,

The reasons you are still drawn to him are normal - you've bonded with him, you love/care about him and last of all (here's the kicker) - I'm going to say that you probably have got oxytocin doing it's job in your physical body. It's a hormone released in the human brain that helps bond you to someone you love - mothers also release it when they bond with their newborns. Many studies have been done on it. The effects of it will fade away eventually.

This former boyfriend was sexually abusive towards you. Since you don't like the word 'rape' at the moment that's the term I'll use.

You need to stay away from him, don't talk to him and cut him off cold. Anyone that would abuse someone they cared about like this is seriously disturbed. He's an unusually selfish person with NO EMPATHY and disrespects you and normal boundaries of behaviour.

*** you should go to a talk to a counselor as soon as possible. I hope you will.

Karl Hungus

Was he pissed off his head or sober? I can understand if he was pissed, that it was probably a very big mistake, and he might feel very, very ****ty about it? If he was sober, then there really is no excuse, I'd agree with the others here.

Just, if you do choose to go back with him and give him a second chance, for whatever reason... If he ever tries anything again, dont hesitate to call the cops/take legal action.

Mercury_Tilt

This post has been deleted.

WhiteWashMan

Originally posted by A Nonny Mouse
WWM - yeah, it is. But I can't seem to use that word - not because I can't accept that he did it, but because I can't accept that it happened to ME...
Thanks for your explanation, it has cleared my head a little, thinking about why I don't wanna use that word - see, I still can't damn well say it...!
Yes, I know right well that having anything to do with him is stupid, maybe even reckless/dangerous. But what I'm trying to figure out is why the hell I could possibly want to?! Cos I do want to (no, I won't, but I still want to). It makes no sense tho... Maybe I didn't make clear that that's what I was wondering about...?
A Confused Nonny Mouse

well, im not an expert in the sexual abuse department, but it would appear that a lot of victims feel that what happened was because they deserved it, or that the person who did it was not acting normally, or it was their own fault.
now, i have no idea why these ideas would pop up, but they appear.
i think it would probably help you more if you talked to someone who has more experience and has been in this situatoin before.
while you may think of somewhere like the rape crisis centre as a place where people who have been 'seriously' (all sexual abuse is serious) raped and harmed, it is the perfect place for you to talk to someone who knows exactly what it is you have been through, and can help you come to terms with words like 'rape'.
the last thing you really want is to keep it bottled up, always wondering if someone else is going to do it to you again, ro always wondering if you did something to deserve it.

by the way, while youa re thinking about whether you should be with him again, just remember he attempted to rape you.

Beruthiel

Sometimes when you are in a relationship you can’t see the woods for the trees, so what WWM said is correct, you find it hard to think clearly, you think you brought it on yourself, after all, he knew you wouldn’t be up for it so surely he was only doing what he had to do under the circumstances, so it must be your fault. That of course if a load of Boll*x! Seriously, someone who loves, cares and respects you will ask first, and if you say no, they will accept that, because what is the point to make love with someone if you are not both into it? He was only thinking of himself and certainly you were nothing more than a piece of meat to him.
Also as Mercie said, I don’t care if he was twisted out of his mind drunk, it’s no excuse, none whatsoever. And remember also, a leopard never changes its spots. If you went back with him, in some part of his tiny little mind he would consider his behaviour acceptable, he will do it again, and it will be more violent with each passing attempt he makes at this. That’s not a maybe, that’s a fact
Your self-esteem is probably at a low right about now which is making you have doubts. Let me tell you girl, that there are plenty of men out there who would never behave like this, who will treat you in the manner you deserve to be treated and who most of all will respect you for the woman you are.
It’s not till you are well out of it and look back perhaps a year later and say to yourself wtf was I thinking? Do yourself the biggest favour you can ever do, never ever see or speak to that man again. After a few months you will see him for what he really and truly is, a complete and total selfish asshole who you should probably have reported to the police. I would have.

JohnnyBravo

Here here there are better guys than that piece of **** out there or so i hear anyway

A Nonny Mouse

So much to reply to - thank you all for the advice...
No, he was sober - not drunk, not stoned, not high, not insanely tired...
And no I damn well didn't deserve it I know none of you suggested it (quite the opposite!), but I know for sure I didn't deserve what happened.
Athena - thank you A nice, scientific, chemical explanation Makes it much easier to reconcile in my head...
Mercury - I know its a very odd excuse, but it isn't just something he came up with on the spot - he's always been a bit like that...
----
In case anyone's wondering, A Nonny Mouse is currently in a much brighter mood, having gotten this off her chest, and having gotten lots of nice advice - thankee all
----
Yes, I do need to go and talk to someone who knows the right things to say and do... But where? I always saw places like the Rape Crisis Centre as being for people with "real" problems (well, its not the kind of thing you ever imagine happening to you, really!) - do they deal with not-quite-rape too?

Thank you all,
Lots
ANM

JohnnyBravo

Of course they do or ring the samaritons thats what they are there for to help people who have been wrong and you my dear have been wrong in a most terrible way

Kell

Right- dont mean to sound like an insenstive fúcker here, but lets lay off the "rape" bandwagon for five minutes and step back.

A Nonny Mouse- OK you woke up with yer ex on top of you. Few questions if you will-

1) Were you clothed (I assume you were given he was your ex and you were sharing a room)
2) Did he touch you in any way (barring lying on top of you)
3) Did he actually force you to do something that you didnt want to or make you feel like you had to?

Now, if you dont want to answer any of those, fine. Reason I have asked is that farr to many people banty the term rape about without there actually being an actual rape. At worst, you have possibly been subject to an attempted rape, which is a different kettle of fish, but you did take matters into your own hands and get out of the situation.

I wouldnt have anything to do with the bloke anymore to be honest. Oh, last question if you will. Was he fully awake or had the two of you been asleep before this happened.

I know that this all sounds like I may be defending this bloke by asking you to be precise in what you are saying. I am categorically not defending him. Rape is an extremely sensitive topic for me having know a fair amount of people that have been raped and helped them cope with the fallout. I just dont like the term being bantied about is all hence me asking you to be sure about what you are saying.

K-

WhiteWashMan

Originally posted by A Nonny Mouse
Yes, I do need to go and talk to someone who knows the right things to say and do... But where? I always saw places like the Rape Crisis Centre as being for people with "real" problems (well, its not the kind of thing you ever imagine happening to you, really!) - do they deal with not-quite-rape too?

you are exactly the people they deal with
i knew someone who used to work part time there,a nd she used to get very upset because people wouldnt call in because they thought it was, as you say, for people with 'real problems'.
they are there to help everyone.

A Nonny Mouse

Kell, no, I wasn't raped. That much, I do know.

1) Were you clothed (I assume you were given he was your ex and you were sharing a room)

Only sort of - a nightshirt (majorly oversized tshirt), which by the time I woke up was pushed up around my waist...

2) Did he touch you in any way (barring lying on top of you)

Yes - he was holding me down with one hand across my shoulders/neck, and the other trying to hold my legs down, stop me kicking him I presume...

3) Did he actually force you to do something that you didnt want to or make you feel like you had to?

No. He was rubbered up, but I got him off me before he managed to actually do anything. He told me he had wanted to, but didn't actually manage to penetrate.

He'd been fully awake beforehand - I'd gone to bed earlier, and he'd been watching some soccer match, then came up to the room...

I very nearly went to the police, but I was in a foreign country, where I didn't speak the language, and I was only gonna be there another 24 hours - less actually...

Beruthiel

A Nonny Mousewhatever way you want to look at it, you were still traumatised and talking to someone will help with that, and my advice still stands, never see him again

Mercury_Tilt

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Beruthiel

lol
Mercie, I couldn't have put it better myself, and you are 100% correct.

GuanYin

I'm sorry to take this thread aside, I think Beruthiel has it right, but..........

You know in the same way this board rightly advocates a "no medical advice" policy, I think it should take the same sort of stance for issues of this nature (while giving opinion I'm sure, which is the point of boards.ie).

I think that you should really speak to a professional councelling service who will have come across similar happenings and may be able to better relate to what/how you are feeling. Many services, such as the Rape Crisis Centre have an anonymous phone service. I kow this has been mentioned, but it is often mentioned in the course of a thread, and not stressed with the same importance.

Student Unions and Medical Doctors are confronted with a high proportion of cases like this and while they will listen, they have a strict referral policy, they know they are not qualified to deal with these cases, so they direct them to professionals.

I'm not saying have a monotone "Ring Organisation X" approach, but it should probably be the first thing encouraged.

It may sound a little callous me saying this, but I think that its every bit as important that these issues come to people with experience as much as medical issues go to medical professionals.

Beruthiel

you are of course correct sykeirl, she must see someone, but I think she knows that, talking it through with someone who understands and can talk her through it will help immensely in ways she doesn't even know yet.

Do it soon A Nonny Mouse

Kell

Echo Ruthie's and Skyirl's statements lots lots lots lots lots........is there an echo in here here here.

K-

A Nonny Mouse

Mercury - I love it Thanks for the giggle
Sykeirl - that's a good idea - I know that was some of the first advice I got, and I'm planning on following it - I've given myself a week to pick up the nerve to do it of my own accord (I'm a little shy anyway, and on issues like this, I'm certainly not at my most open & chatty), and if I haven't done so by then, I've a friend who's gonna drag me along, kicking & screaming if neccesary =p
Still, it might be an idea to add it to the "We're not doctors" thread?
Thank you all!!!
*hugs to all*
I love boards You're all brilliant
ANM

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Edited cos I can't spell, and didn't read Sykeirl's name properly

GuanYin

Originally posted by A Nonny Mouse
Sykegirl - that's a good idea - I know that was some of
^^^^^^
the first advice I got,

Do you have a brother called shanemac by any chance?



*sigh*