Humourous e-mails

Aliminator

I've gotten some classic e-mails recently, and i'd like to see some of the ones ye have gotten. these are funny


Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in
waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht
the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a
total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae
the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a
wlohe.

Fcuknig amzanig huh?

---

The European Union Commissioners have announced that an agreement
has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European
communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that
English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year
phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short)..

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c"..
Sertainly, sivil servants will reseive this news with joy. Also, the hard "c"
will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion but
typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the
troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like
"fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be
expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a
deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes
of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as
replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by " v".

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords
kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations
of leters.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted
in ze forst place....

---

Post ye more

ll=llannah

pretty damned spiffy.

halenger

I always loved this one:

After every flight, Qantas Airlines pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.
Here are some supposedly actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution as recorded by Qantas maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.


(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

Barry Aldwell

About the funniest thing I've recieved recently is my acceptance email from the church I joined. That's the downside of having an iolfree.ie email address (people can't read my writing, and the domain name ends up all screwed up), with the upside being I've got 3 pieces of spam in 3 years.

malecO

lol!!
All I have to say is, BRILLIANT!!

Aliminator

found some more humourous forwards:

Religion joke: A priest and a rabbi are out on a picnic, by a waterfront. There are no others around, so the two decide to go swimming. They take off their clothes and swim.
When they finnish swimming, they notice a group of people staring at them. There is are rocks next to the rabbi and priest.
The priest takes a rock and puts it over his privates.
The rabbi takes the rock and puts it over his face.
The group of people move off.

Later, the priest asks the rabbi why he covered his face, rather than his privates. The rabbi answers:
‘I don’t know about your congregation, but in mine we recognise each other by our faces!’

---

> >
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. > >

---

> >
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: > >
I don't like to interrupt her. > >

---

> > > >
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake. > >

---

> >
Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering. > > > >

---

> >
Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!" > >

---

> >
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. > >
Then God created Man and rested. > >
Then God created Woman. > >
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested. > >

---

> >
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to. > >

---

> >
A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything for days." > >
She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower." > >

---

> >
Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" > >
Dad: That happens in every country, son. > >

---

> >
A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: Wife Wanted." > >
The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: > >
"You can have mine." > >

---

> > > >
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. > >

---

> >

Aliminator

If anyone remembers the Enron debacle:

A new twist on an old joke:

Feudalism: you have to cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, sells you the milk.

Communism: You have two cows. Your neighbours help take care of them and the milk is shared.

Totalitarianism: You have two cows. The government takes them, denies they ever existed and drafts you into the army. Milk is banned.

Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies. You sell them and retire on the income.

Enron Venture Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell three to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank. Execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so you get all four cows back, with tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island firm secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.

Aliminator

my supplier is just loaded:

i know i may get numerous slaps, but come on, it's worth the laugh:

Men's rules





We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules
from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all
numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it
down. We need it up; you need it down. You don't hear us complaining
about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the
tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it
that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want... Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints
do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just
say
it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every
question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's
what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In
fact, =ll comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us
to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the
ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it
done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it
yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach,
for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have
no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing" we will act like
nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the
hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer
you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.
Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster
trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the

couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like

camping.


Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them an education!!

gigglingrat

I have one pair of shoes.

And you can never have enuf clothes.

Aliminator

Scrabble:

GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z ' S

A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters:
I ' M A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

And for the grand finale: PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA:
When you rearrange the letters (With no letters left over and using each letter only once)
TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS