I love my job (tech support)

TheWolf

How to become a tech support guy like me...


Step 1...
Answer the phone and sound happy - this is bound to annoy the stressed person calling for your help.

Step 2...
For no apparent reason suddenly put your caller on hold - just make sure you do it before they can protest or ask why.

Step 3...
Having kept your caller on hold for several minutes apologise and ask them to explain their technical fault for a third time.

Step 4...
Without warning, transfer your caller to another extension - but make sure you do not brief your fellow employee before doing so.

Step 5...
Wait for caller to be re-routed back to your extension.

Step 6...
Apologise to caller for transferring him/her to the wrong desk and then ask them for a fourth time to describe their problem.

Step 7...
Put on hold while you contact your manager.

Step 8...
Having chatted to the manager about your holiday leave, take the caller off hold and explain that the solution to their problem is "probably" on your web site.

Step 9...
Ignore the caller's complaints that they already checked the web site and the hang-up.

Step 10...
Put your phone on busy so when caller rings back they will get another colleague, who will no doubt ask them to describe the problem for the 5th time.

Beëlzebooze

I've worked with you haven't I?

bikini widow

you must be with eircom.net.

John2002

Originally posted by bikini widow
you must be with eircom.net.

lol, that's a strong possiblity

TheWolf

And another guide, to actually becoming a manager some day in 10 easy steps...

Step 1
Go to university.Study law, economics,political science,or anything other than your chosen career specialist subject.The most important skills that you must learn are how to drink coffee and how to send e-mails.

Step 2
Email an employment consultant.Get a nice glossy C.V. with your picture on the front,preferably in a nice suit.

Step 3
E-mail your father ask him to forward your c.v. around his influential friends.

Step 4
When given a position,take a quick tour of the operation,and make several snap decisions as to what your core policies will be.Send e-mails to key staff giving them specific and unachievable tagets.Some will decide to leave. That is their perogative.

Step 5
When they explain why it can't be done,send further e-mails demanding loyalty and commitment to the product[these rubber grommets pay your mortgage,feed your kids,pay for your holidays,etc,etc,learn to love your rubber grommets and they will be good to you,etc etc].Impose a rigid timetable for your plans, however ridiculous they may be.[Iwant a 28% decrease in customer complaints by a week next Friday].Some will not share the vision,they are a burden on your payroll and should be 'outplaced'.

Step 6
When your middle management quit in disgust,promote some yesmen from the lower ranks,and don't replace them.It'll save on payroll costs and improve morale.Send everyone an e-mail telling them how you have empowered them to make their own decisions.
Some will decide to leave.A $20 discount voucherfor your company's product is an acceptable severance package

Step 7
Slash costs by shelving all maintenance and plant renewal programs.Contract out all repair work.It will cost you more,but it comes out of your maintenance budget,making your payroll costs look lower still.When plant breaks down due to lack of maintenance,send e-mail to new junior managers demanding that staff be more careful.Some may leave,but not the ones who are actually stupid enough to intentionally damage the plant.

Step 8
Collect a huge bonus for efficiencies achieved in the first year.Start looking for ideas to make further savings and bonuses next year.Lease out the carpark to a private operator,when staff complain about costs,send them an e-mail referring all enquiries to the car parking companies p.r. department.Send out email reminding staff to provide their own pens.Increase rent on staff cafeteria.When staff complain,refer to solution as in car parking.
Some may leave.Defer paying their outstanding monies until they threaten court action.You need not fear the unions,they are no longer paid up members.

Step 9
Defer all bills for materials until the day that suppliers refuse to dispatch any more.Send e-mails to staff blaming suppliers for material shortages and demand that production be stepped up on alternative products.Some staff will inevitably leave,no problem because you have no materials for them to work with anyway.Increase selling price of finished goods until you have no orders that you can't fill.Your profit margins just got way sexier.

Step 10
Collect second year bonus,sign up all staff to trendy training programme that has no relevance to your industry,but is an asset to your C.V. When the company looks set to collapse due to the mass exodus of experienced and skilled workforce,the total loss of confidece by suppliers,the disappearance of your volume customers,and the imminent implosion of the remaining equipment,jump ship while your resume is still unblemished.Send a memo to the three remaining employees thanking them for helping to make the company what it is today.

finally...

Send some more E-mails.It's what makes companies tick.

Jim

bastards.all bastards.i hate u all.

tech support just stand ontop of their desk and shout "does anyone know how to read a manual?"

Capt'n Midnight

Caller comes in
On hold straight away
Wait one minue for the stat
Transfer back to Queue *
Repeat.

* depending on which stats system is in use you may need to come back in on an external number.

...your call is important, please hold while we ignore it, your call....


Another popular technique is to leave your phone ready while on lunch, lots of answered calls and no hold time

It's getting late nearly time to go home - the queue is 50 minutes long and growing, and a Guy comes on with WFW - no funny drivers and since he is out of warranty he trilled's that you haven't hung up already ... that's a 30 minute call - emptying the temp folder - running scandisk - and defrag - basically ANYTHING to keep him on the line so you don't have to take the chance of taking a call from a customer who has a problem you can't solve...

BTW: one night before a bank holiday weekend a techie didn't hang up properly and an infruriated customer realising no one was listening slammed the phone down too. - Didn't quite hang up though - only found out when the phone bill came in for the long distance call for the whole weekend

Incontinence help line - please hold...

Mac daddy

Originally posted by Jimeatsmenu
bastards.all bastards.i hate u all.

tech support just stand ontop of their desk and shout "does anyone know how to read a manual?"

i agreee with you i have that problem all day with some awfull muppets who have not got a clue eventhough it is in the manual.

Step 6...
Apologise to caller for transferring him/her to the wrong desk and then ask them for a fourth time to describe their problem.

hahahahaha this one happens all the time

Sposs

Originally posted by Jimeatsmenu
bastards.all bastards.i hate u all.

tech support just stand ontop of their desk and shout "does anyone know how to read a manual?"

It's so true,People especially Irish people just dont read anything when it'll explain everything,they'd rather be walked thru everything by hand.

Heres a good line for all support people out there

"Im afraid thats a training issue not a support issue!


Roughly translated "your a muppert who knows nothing,go away and learn then i can help you"

bozzie

Originally posted by Jimeatsmenu
bastards.all bastards.i hate u all.

tech support just stand ontop of their desk and shout "does anyone know how to read a manual?"

not all us tech support reps do that ......... some of us sit down n besides theres no manual for most products anymore

de5p0i1er

I hate you all.