Alchoholic Mother of 2

LegacyUser

An Unregistered post because I'd rather not be known.

Ok where do I start...

My mother is an alchoholic. She spends between 3 and 5 hours a day in the pub and usually comes home drunk at around 10pm onwards only to start cooking dinner for myself and my little brother of 7. If she doesn't get home drunk she will have a bottle of wine all to herself which sends her far off the deep end. She is the only parent in the house and she is looking after a 7 year old.
I'm 19 now and for 15 years of my life until now I've been dealing with it.

As a child I would be in the pub with her until I got bored or until i left with her late at night. When I got bored she'd send me (a young child) home on my own a 10 minute walk in dublin to wait for her. She would arrive home and I'd go to bed. I would often wake up and go into her bedroom after having a nightmare and would not be able to wake her due to her being comatose from all the drink she'd had. I would sit there by her side crying my eyes out because she wouldn't wake up not know what to do until I'd just lie on the floor beside her bed and fall asleep without covers or anything.

At my age now It annoys me that she is still doing it and I hate having to put up with it still. PLUS the fact that it is doing the same to my little brother. He often sobs to me about how she is behaving as she gets rather argumentative and angry when she gets drunk. Never violent but shouts alot and slams everything which scares my little brother to bits and he then starts crying to me. She ALWAYS starts a fight with me when in this mode and we shout at eachother for ages before I realise how annoying it is and I just get out of the room and avoid her.

During the day she is sober and she goes to work. But when I give out to her while she's sober and listening she just pulls my strings and gives out to ME about something I haven't done that I was supposed to or turns it around on me some other way. But I tell her it's more about My little brother and she just says "I know I know" but goes out and does it again.

Basically I'm sick of it every day going on and I was hoping someone out there had dealt with the same problem and has been able to fix it somehow and if so could they tell me what their opinion of the best way to deal with it is. Just tell me what you think I should do. Thanks.

Wolf

TBH..... and this might sound harsh, but, something needs to be done.

I mean you had to go through it but there is no reason for your little brother to go through it as well. Im not sure how far you are willing/able to go but at the end of the day this is a form of child abuse that you shouldnt have had to deal with and your little brother deffinatly shouldnt have to deal with.

I guess what im saying is you might have to do something drastic but maybe I dont know enough about it. There are some people out there that have had this alot closer to home than me (iv only been a drunk I havent had to deal with one). Although after been one I had to be shocked out of it.

Hopfully someone might be able to give better advice tomoz. GL

Shad0r

Your mother has a problem and its not going to go away without her getting help.

Your little brother has 11 more years that he's going to need a parent figure and if your dad isnt around then your mother will have to get herself sorted out. The problem is that if she's already been doing what she's doing atm for the last 15 years then she is not going to do it by herself. So the liklihood is if you dont do something then your brother will grow up having to go through what you had to.

I dont have any personal experience with dealing with a problem like the one you have atm but the most obvious course of action to me would be to try to talk to someone at one of the alcoholic organisations like the AA.

I'm sure if you call them up and explain your situation a little they will be able to give you some idea's or put you onto someone qualified to help you.

Best of luck with whatever you decide to do.

jammy_dodger

Im not to sure if this would be the right approach, but 15 years is a long time, and dos'nt look like it gonna end soon, or by her own inititive.
Do get angry now but a social worker could be a possible approach, my mother works as a social worker for the health board, And before people envision, your little brother been taken into care, away from your mother. The social workers, no.1 concern is to keep the child with his natural mother, and will try to resolve the situation by sorting out the mother.

The main thing you gotta calculate, before taking this approach, is do you believe your mother would be able to recover, cause if she can't, you risk your brother, being put into either your father, yours, next of kin, or foster families possesion.

Thats the only advice i can give you. Maybe the shock of you, having to call social services on your mother, will jolt her into recovering, and they'll provide all the required help.

Of course this would only be a last resort.
Im sure other users have come across this, and might give you some better sort term advice. Hopefully be able to resolve it without the need of a social worker.

Good luck to you.

ToxicPaddy

Firstly let me say, Im very sorry about your situation and hope that it can be sorted in a reasonable way without anyone getting hurt, more than they already have, that is..


I again, like some of the other posters dont have any personal experience of this type of situation, however a good friend of mine works with a well know organistaion that deals with this type of situation a lot.

Basically what happens, is that a family are referred to this organistaion, by the health board or social services when kids are being neglected or in some sort or danger due to a parents actions, addictions or behaviour.

A programme is set in place where the kids and parent(s) are either visited by the support workers or they call to the project in that area and activities are set out to improve the childs mental state, confidence building, ensuring schooling is not affected and that the child is looked after.

As well as that the parents involved are encouraged to face their problems, whether its counselling, addiction treatment etc.

If you do need any details or want me to pass on any details, drop me a pm and Ill do all I can to help.

Tox

Sleipnir

Yeah you kinda need to get this sorted. You had to go through it but that does't mean your brother has to.
It looks to me like YOU must take responsibility for your brother's well-being. I know that sounds pretty heavy but the only other person in his life is his mother and if she, as an alcoholic, remains in control of your brother's life, it can only do him harm.
You cannot fix this on your own and you cannot let it continue, you really MUST seek help.
I had some experience of alcohoism myself, a mate of mine who used to spend his rent and food money on booze until rent-day came along! I dunno how many times I baled him out (I even sold my computer and gave him the money from the proceeds, which he drank and then told me he'd lost his wallet!). He came into some money, met an alcoholic woman and the two of them spent near 40,000 in 3 month!
After a while, I just had to stop going there. You can't help them unless they see the problem. I've no idea what happened to him in the end.
Just get help, you'll feel much better afterwards knowing you've done *something* for yourself and your brother.

LegacyUser

I do have some personal experience but I suppose because my father was around he dealt with most of the problems.

My main concern is actually you. You seem to me to have taken on the role of caring for and parenting both your mother and your brother. You need to first of all to understand that if your Mother doesn't want to change her behaviour then there is absolutely nothing that you can do to make her change it. You also have to remember that you should never ever blame yourself for your Mothers behaviour or actions.

Obviously you have been badly affected by all of this but you're 19 and you need to start thinking about yourself.

There are groups such as al anon and alateen which are similar to AA but are aimed at families and friends of alcoholics. There is also a group called Adult Children of Alcoholics.

I think maybe try and convince your mother that you are badly affected by all of this and does she want your brother to turn out the same.

Hope this helps

Victor

I know you aren't a child, but you might try Childline 1800 666 666. There are more links here: http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?s=&threadid=57416

RopeDrink

First of all, this seems like a painfully familiar problem to what I've gone through (and posted about here at http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?s=&threadid=53166&highlight=Long ) - I have no possible solutions for you, seeing as my issues concluded the ugly way (Everything went wrong and the only option I had was to sit back and pray that everything mended itself) and if your mother is as bad as mine was, you had better do something and do something right ****ing now - And I ****ing mean it.

All I can really suggest is that you read my thread and see what my outcome was, and I hope you realise that this isn't just a situation you get 'annoyed' at. At the time I was also just 'annoyed', but that was one of many colourful emotions she dragged me through due to her state, and believe me it is also not healthy for your younger brother who'll end up the worse off if YOU don't do something...

Drinkers are liars, and that hissy-fit angry arguementative personality she's adopted is solely due to her need for the drink. Do not try to criticise her, she will see no reason, no matter how much she loves you. Do not fight with her, you will not win. It's not that she doesn't love you, it's just thats she's enveloped with an addiction, and anyone who is addicted will do anything to get what they're addicted to, and that includes stepping over their own children if it needs be...

This thread seems too damn familiar to me...
Read my thread, and I pray to god it helps you. You have no idea what kind of trap you're in.

LegacyUser

RopeDrink: I read your thread when you posted it and was amazed at how alike alot more of the things you spoke of in your situations were with mine.

That aside just a thanks for your posts cuz it really does show that others go through stuff too. While it isn't that nice, comfort does in a strange way come from knowing others have it just as bad and unfortunately worse and it does get you by at the tougher of times.

dod

Sorry to hear that you're having such a rough time of it. I think you've done the right thing by looking for advice and help. For what it's worth, here's my assessment:

Nothing good can come of taking no action in this situation. Both you and your brother are having a very rough time of it, and though it's a secondary consideration, your mother is obviously having a rough time too. There has to be some release from the situation, no good can come of you internalising all the trouble yourself. Is there somebody you can talk to- an uncle or aunt you can trust, a cousin to whom you can speak? If not, try to find somebody like a teacher who you trust and to whom you can speak and explain the situation to them. They will know how best to deal with the situation and at least you will have somebody in whom you can confide when things get difficult. People can only take action in these situations if they are informed of the circumstances. The longer you leave this difficulty untackled, the worse it will get, not only for yourself, but also for your brother and for your mother.

If you feel that there is nobody to whom you can speak, go to someone like the local priest and ask to speak to him in confidence. You may or may not be religious, you may have absolutely no time for the church, but the reality is that these guys know the community and what services and so forth are available. They can advise you in complete confidence, and will only become overtly involved if you specifically request them to. If you feel that your community is too small to go to the local priest, go to the next parish or to a city priest. I know they've all got bad press, but honestly, in this situation they will be of use to you if only in advising you of what might be appropriate ways of dealing with the circumstances. They have to deal with difficult, fractured family situations on an ongoing basis, however difficult your circumstance, honestly they will have seen it before and will be familiar with how best to approach remedying the problem.

Finally, and I don't mean this to sound as fatalistic as it probably does, if you really honestly feel that there is absolutely nobody you can talk to, rather than internalising the problem entirely yourself, ring the Samaritans and have a chat. They should be able to point you in the direction of local community services or social services who may be of assistance. I don't think that it will serve you well to continue to shoulder all of this burden yourself, you really need to involve someone else to talk through these problems.

Good luck with it, I hope things improve.