my mum knows im on the pill!

LegacyUser

AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! the other day i (the GIANT idiot that i am) left my pack of pills beside the computer and my mum found them.

now, im 19, and she's 62, so we have differnet views on things, especially on things like sex. imade an informed responsible descision to sleep with my boyfriend because quite simply i love him.

anyway my mum is VERY religious and VERY conservative when it comes to obeying gods holy laws etc etc. so she gave me a speech about abusing my body and the atmosphere has been tense, to say the least.

my mum and me have huge problems anyway, even without this addition.

i cant sit down and talk to her about it, trust me, ive tried that about other things. she will not accept any one elses piont of view when it comes to religion andwill just shout over me.

i refused to go to confession (i havent realised the point in that yet) last christmass and she freaked out competely. its a very suffocating atmosphere.

the annoying thing is that ive been really responsible and carefully made my choices in the sex department. i havent lost my faith but any tiny signal that u dot agree with the something religious means your practically a heathen, in her view.

ffs! u should be able to sit down with ur mumand talk about sex of all things with her! u shouldnt be afraid of it! GRRRUMBLE!!]

if anyone has any experience with this kind of thing it would be greatly appreciated! thankyou!

mavedic

its great that you have been so responsible in your decisions! your mum should be proud of you ffs. It must be very difficult when you are respected to make your decisions. I don't know what advice I can give you - having had a very open relationship with my own mum about that sort of thing. If you're still living at home I think you have to respect her point of view, at least until you move out and can live by your own rules. Maybe you could just say to her you've realised your mistake and won't do it again while just being a little more discrete in your ways?

Wolf

I had this problem once. Basically my mum forcing me to go to mass and all that (im am christian but not Catholic) Anyway, after a while of me doing what I thought was right (this is important as I do have morals and values just different ones) my mum realized that im my own person and alot of people see me as a good caring person and she has come to accept that and now our relationship is extremly good.

Also, my sister never stood up to her and their relationship is no way nearly as health as mine is with my mother.

LegacyUser

ooooo you naught girl cloe! if i catch u having sex with the boy again youll be out on your ear! remembering the words of the Lord Jesus, that he said, 'It is more blessed to give than to receive'
Let your light shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven.
--Matthew 5:16

mum

Sangre

Originally posted by mum
'It is more blessed to give than to receive'

mum

That could have so many meanings mum

BAck on topic, I dont think there is really much you can do, just live your own life, the way you want to (with in reason) and she will just have to accept your choices.

Was she quite old when she had you?


Btw, you should try and freak her out, by leaving porn mags, sex toys and lube on your bed. Then the pill wont seem so bad. You should also flick the tv and magasines to sexually orientated programms/ads......so as to 'adjust' her to this work-a-day world.

jd

If you don't want the hassle, just tell her your cramps are unbearable during your period, and thats why you have them.
It's a cop out, I know, but if you want to avoid the real issues..

LegacyUser

actually besides the obvious im on the pill because of the god awful paralysing craps i get.

but i couldnt get a word in . anyway there'sno point saying thats the only reason because as JD said its just avoiding the real issue.

she doesnt even knwo if ive had sex yet or not but she's jumping crazy conclusions no doubt.


im 19...she's 62...so she was 43 when she had me.

i would seriously move out but i cant because of finance untill next year.

actually now it seems to be a little better, i think she's jsut avoiding it like crazy, too.

thankyou for all your kind words. xx

Sangre

Originally posted by Chloe

im 19...she's 62...so she was 43 when she had me.

Just wondering if it might have been a typo.

jd

Originally posted by Sangre
Just wondering if it might have been a typo.

Ny mother was about the same age when she had my youngest sister

The Corinthian

I’m pretty agnostic bordering on atheism and from a family of similar outlook (even though, ironically, we have more than one papal title in the family) so I’ve never had the problems you seem to have.

However, just as a suggestion, I have observed that religious conservative types are big fans of see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil. Thus I might suggest that you pretend that nothing happened. Just like that.

Your mother will be loathed to bring up the subject, and if she does, you can quickly bring up the cramps alibi. Otherwise, she’ll just look at you crooked for a few weeks, brood a bit, and then pretend nothing happened.

In the long run, you probably should move out, but until then adopting the see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil approach may help on a practical level.

Gordon

A suggestion from Bill Hicks -

If your mother is Christian just tell her "I'm on the pill, I have sex legally,
forgive me". That should do the trick.

Typedef

Good golly gosh.

My relevant parental was allowing my girlfriends to 'sleep over' from when I was oh 15 I'd say.

I suppose that is why I can comfortably oppose things like abortion and allow people to call me a conservative, since, I don't need to feel like I'm railing against anything and supporting populist causes.... where was I...
Oh yes.

You know your mother probably holds her religious views quite strenuously and is a product of her environment (Catholic Ireland 50 years ago) as you are product of your environment (Modern Ireland 1990 +), so, do both yourself and your mother a favour.

Use condoms, hide your pills and don't talk about sex with your boyfriend, that is your business and you don't have to rub your mother's face in it.

No pun.

[Edit]

And ffs be responsible. Your parents may not have given you the birds and bees talk, but, I will.

No matter how much you love your boyfriend or trust him, for all you know (real-world) he would be knocking off or has knocked off quite a few men/women before you, he could be a real self-affacing philanderer. Not saying that's what he is, but, still.

Use a condom, you might trust him and love him, but that doesn't mean he (simply doesn't) have or will contract a nasty (possibly fatal) STD.

Think about it. Also the pill is not 100% effective and.... you won't have to sit in a wet patch, afterwards......

seamus

Originally posted by Typedef
Use condoms, hide your pills and don't talk about sex with your boyfriend, that is your business and you don't have to rub your mother's face in it.

No pun.

I wouldn't say hide your pills, just don't leave them lying around the house. Frankly, I would think any mother would be relieved to find out her duaghter is being sensible, but anywho.....

Don't try discuss it with her. If she brings it up, ignore all of her religious arguments and brush them off as opinion. Or if you don't like confrontation, just tell her to mind her own business. As Typie says, there's not much point in trying to get your point across because of the differences in upbringing.

It's her problem. Eventually she'll get over it, and learn to grin and bear it. Just remember that you're 19, and it's none of her business. If she starts interfering, i.e. sitting you and you bf down for little 'chats', or hiding/destroying your pills, then you'll have to take action. Otherwise leave her be, so she can pretend it doesn't happen, and you can pretend she doesn't mind.

My mum used to always be adamant that none of her kids would ever have sex before marraige, but with 4 boys, that thing kind of went out the window. I was 17 before she finally accepted that it was neither her business or within her control to enforce this, so now she has no problem with it at all.

Samba

Try this, sit her down and have a proper talk with her, what she does not realise is, OOohhhh these times are a changing, Making love is a beautiful thing, not somthing which is evil and forbidden(this really ticks me off).

While she is mostly concerned for you, explain to her, that if she does not accept what you do, you are going to do it anyway, regardless of her consent, if she refuses to accept, it will cause alot of friction and damage your relationship with her.

The more you have to sneak around and hide things from her, the further you will grow apart and the longer this goes on, the more she will regret it further down the road.

I think this is a big mistake with parenting and in general I have noticed that parents who are more willing to accept and talk openly about these things, tend to have a better relationship with their children, even if they do not agree with it, if they will not support you, they are pushing you further away.

Simply explain, that if she will not sit down and talk about this and give constructive advice, the more you will hesitate to bring such issues up with her in the future.

I know, they are stuck in their own ways, but believe it or not they do listen to reason on occasion, while she may not accept this instantly, it will turn over in her mind and hopefully she will realise that the best thing she can do is accept your choices and not criticise them.

gl

Nevyn

you are now and adult and the doc perscibed them, this is one of those things where you Mother has to learn to respect you as a person and trust you to respect yourrself.

The generation gap is pretty big but reguardless to the fact you are on the pill i am sure she still loves and cares for you .

sit her down and try have a talk with her about it.

could be worse she could have found a vibrator or condoms

b3t4

hey Cloe,

I've had to deal with a very similar situation as yourself. My mother is just about the same age as yours. She is also overly religious. This has conflicted with my views and believes as I was growing up.

It is useless to believe that you may be able to change her views on this. She has had her believes engrained into her since she was a child.

My advise would to be to forget about how everyone else treats their mothers and start treating your mother for the person she is. She doesn't want to hear or acknowledge that you are having sex then don't talk about it. If you want to talk about sex then do so with your friends, your boyfriend, <insert person that wants to hear about it> You are responsible and informed (I hope) with regards to sex. This is commendable, you don't need your mother to say that to you.

You can't change your mother you can only accept her for the person she is and respect her enough to not talk about things she doesn't want to hear about.

I have lived with this. I still live with it to some degree even though I've moved out. It feels like Im living a double life at times which is sh!tty. I know that for peace sake I'll leave well enough alone and tell her only what she wants to hear. I know it should be more open but that is her choosing and not much to do with me.

Be you and know that she won't change, that's when you can truly move on from this.

Best wishes,
A.

LegacyUser

<snip>

So what!! My mother had me at around 41, its really nothing strange

bug

Yep same deal with me, same age gap, same era, I would take the corinthian's advice tbh, it worked for me, I remeber my mam didn't talk to me for six weeks, then forgot about it. Now she gets the odd dig in still. Like if I complain to her about a pimple she replies its because I'm on the pill. Its funny about it actually. When I moved in with the boyfriend, same deal, she got over it though, although she seems a bit less forceful of her views upon us than your mother seems.

By the way DO NOT LEAVE your pill at home. what if you went out after work or college or stayed in a friends house? It should be with you all the time like your new best friend

LegacyUser

Originally posted by arse
<snip>

So what!! My mother had me at around 41, its really nothing strange

Thanks for editing my harmless post, Gordon

Samba

B3t4,


It is not about them changing their ways, it is not as if she is asking her mother to start taking the pill.

It is a matter of letting her mother know why she is doing it, while she may not agree instantly, believe me it will be on her mind......alot of the time when some parents do see past their old ways, they will rarely show it to you.


I get the impression you have grown apart from her quite alot.....that is a Parents worst nightmare imo, which was my point Cloe, if you let her know the consequences of her actions in the long run....she will think long and hard about it.

Ignoring problems and carrying on as if a conversation was never had will solve absoloutely nothing and imo is a very defeatist attitude to have.

You can't change your mother you can only accept her for the person she is and respect her enough to not talk about things she doesn't want to hear about.

Jesus, you might aswell stick on the 6 o'clock news and block your ears whilst singing! Your Mother also has to respect YOU for who you are.

I honestly think that if a mother realised what she was doing in the long run.......she would listen v.intentively.

Gordon

arse, you should know that we don't want flames here. You're welcome btw.

LegacyUser

thanks for all your replies, nothing else has been said of the situation now, so im thinking its disintigrating.

i appreciate your advice, but as i said, there's no point talking to her . please just trust me on that. we have bigger problems than this. i have been 'fighting' my crap relationship with her for years, so with this particular thing, which is none of her business anyway, i think i'll take the 'defeatist' attitude. no offense intended.

arse, your mother isnt my mother, im sure she;s blended in great to modern life, mine hasnt.

my pill IS with me the whole time. it was the FIRST time i took it out of my bag to take it.

my mother was the one who brought it up, competely not being tactful in the least. i think she shouldve respected me not to have talked to ME about it, if i didnt want to. anyway 'talking' to my mum really just means sitting there and not saying a word...but thats another issue.

my mother compeltely agrees that sex is beautiful etc etc, just that it can only be that after marriage. sitting down and telling her how times are changing wont help. im sure she's aware of that already. she's not an idiot or dim witted or anything. no offense again, advice appreciated.

thanks for your advise, seamus, i agree. ill leave her be, because i sure as hell dont want to talk about it.

typedef sweetie, i do not 'rub my mothers face in it' so please dont even imply that this is my intent.
y shouldnt i talk about sex with my boyfriend, by the way? and why are you telling me to use condoms..that isnt really the issue here, and its a bit annoying to say the least.

ive been with my boyfriend for two years, and have been friends with him for a year before that, he's had one previous sexual partner, so please dont annoy me with that rubbish. that isnt the issue either.
and my mother DID give me the birds and the bees talk. that is also not the issue here. so please dont patronize me sweetie. my boyfriend doesnt have an STD. also not the issue. again with the patronising nonsence! he's my boyfriend, so i know quite a bit about him!

thanks for your advice, corinthian, yes my mum is the queen of avoidance.. (if she's at fault in some way, anyway) and while thats pretty unhealthy, in this case i think itd be better if nothing was said about it.for a while at least...

anyway she saw my new piercing today so she's got that to gripe about if she has to!

thanks again for all your replies!

xx

Mercury_Tilt

This post has been deleted.

Sangre

Originally posted by arse
<snip>

So what!! My mother had me at around 41, its really nothing strange

Ill assume that was directed at me..
I just wanted to know if the mother was in fact 52 or 62, it is quite relevant to the topic, as it is a larger age gap, therefore more then likely worsening the situation.

Mercury_Tilt

This post has been deleted.

LegacyUser

thanks for your advice, mercury tilit, it isnt out of sync ! : )

xx

Typedef

Originally posted by Gordon
arse, you should know that we don't want flames here. You're welcome btw.

Urge to quote Gordon out of context in sig... rising....

Oh baby.

Samba

There are tactful ways of presenting conversations without actually bringing up anything specific. (make an example of somthing else which is not quite as contraversial for her )

You cannot Change her and her religious views that I accept but if these views are going to hinder the the relationship between you and your Mother is she willing to ignore this aswell?

I understood perfectly Merc, I was simply conveying advice which could she could take in to consideration, I think it is a shame to go on ignoring problems, it is a no win situation......of course sometimes it is the best option, but only when everything as been tried and with persistence. stubbornness can be hard thing to overcome.

jd

Chloe
Just wondering are you the oldest/youngest only child of the family. I'm the oldest, and I got a lot of hassle about morality, convenience of moral choices people may make etc etc Parens have mellowed out quite a bit now..

I'll put it one way, my father has stayed the night in our apt..
AJ and I don't sleep together though when we are in his house..

sceptre

Originally posted by Cloe
AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! the other day i (the GIANT idiot that i am) left my pack of pills beside the computer and my mum found them.

You're an idiot!

Actually, no, you're not.

You're 19 years of age, having sex and you've made the careful decision to be careful. That's responsible. That's taking responsibility. That's something to be proud of - it's scary the amount of people I know at college (people in my class are mostly about the same age as you) who still think the withdrawal method is reliable and safe.

Lots of girls first take the pill to regularise periods and ease period pain btw - it's a rather excellent excuse to use (especially given that it's true in your case). On the other hand, Corinthian gives excellent advice in his first post to this thread here. I'd be surprised if she ever mentions brings it up again. Having said that, it's none of her business. Really. You won't change her views (unfortunately imho) - she won't change yours either. You know this, unfortunately she doesn't.

Incidentally my GF (together again since she got herself back from Tokyo) keeps her pill in her car. Or in her allocated drawer space in Limerick:D. Her parents may realise we may have had sex (there's a double bed in the (only) bedroom that her father dropped up to us as my car doesn't have a hitch for a trailer & someone had to drop it up). AFAIK it's never been brought into a conversation by the mother of anyone I've gone out with. Parents are like that (out of conversation, out of mind) - as a rule they don't tend to swap technique tips with their daughters so your mother may never bring it up again (until your boyfriend comes to stay and she makes an issue of putting him in the spare bedroom before making the "my house, my rules" speech*)


*it's a bit annoying that no parent has ever given me the "my house, my rules" speech. I'm all prepared to give them a list of strange rules when they come to stay with me.

b3t4

Originally posted by Chloe

i appreciate your advice, but as i said, there's no point talking to her . please just trust me on that. we have bigger problems than this. i have been 'fighting' my crap relationship with her for years, so with this particular thing, which is none of her business anyway, i think i'll take the 'defeatist' attitude. no offense intended.

You sound so like me it's uncanny.

I've fought with my mother since I can remember when. When I adopted the attitude of "agree to disagree" the fighting eased off and I can now have more civil conversations with her. Agreeing with her gets me less upset and allows myself to get on with my life and how I choose to live it. It also keeps her happy.

I know I've grown apart from her. I know that she doesn't know my true personality. I know that that hurts me. But I also know that after years of dealing with this situation it's the best out of a bad situation.

The best advice I could give you would be to move out asap. The freedom will give you a whole new outlook on life and it can also improve your relationship with your mother. It worked for me.

A.

Samba

I know I've grown apart from her. I know that she doesn't know my true personality. I know that that hurts me. But I also know that after years of dealing with this situation it's the best out of a bad situation.

I can see where you are coming from, Religion has had such a grasp on this country for so long.......