Help with Bulemia

LegacyUser

my girlfriend has told me shes bulemic and id really like to help her, im determined to get her thru it i think shes been doing it for years

does anybody have any ideas? please?

Silent Bob

Originally posted by Worried
my girlfriend has told me shes bulemic and id really like to help her, im determined to get her thru it i think shes been doing it for years

does anybody have any ideas? please?

The best you can do is direct her towards a place like St. John of Gods. They have regimes (and it takes regimes) to get people back into the habit of eating properly without throwing it all back up etc.

Unfortunately bulemia is a condition which can only be 'cured' by the sufferer. Other people can encourage them to eat well etc. but in my experience trying to force someone to eat properly causes large amounts of friction and (very large) arguments. I would imagine it could well end your relationship, if you were to try that.

St. John of Gods can help, but I think they can only truly help those who want to stop.

hedgetrimmer

First up, it;s good that she has acknowledged that she has bulemia, more importantly to herself as well as to another person. As Bob said, she has to want to change.

http://www.bodywhys.ie/

Is a good site and a good place. I think she has to contact them herself. It is very difficult, I know, but the only thing you can do is be there and support her as she needs it. But do not try to take over or make decisions for her - be there for her to draw strength from in order to make the changes herself.

I wish you both the best

b3t4

Silent Bob and hedgetrimmer have given you good advice and there is not much I can add to it.

Just remember that she is a person that has a problem and not a problem that is a person.

Talk to her and not to her problem. If she can sort out what's causing the bulemia it will sort out the bulemia.

She will want you to be the same around her, to not treat her like she is abnormal. She might become defensive if you try to wrap her in coton wool. Try to not change your view of her too much. I know this is hard in practice, I know it will be hard to not watch everything she is eating and when she goes to the bathroom but keeping this at a low key will make her more open to talking to you about it. Being overly protective may cause her to close up and tell you that the problem has gone away when it truly hasnt.

She has to help herself and if you find your not coping with it get some help for yourself. There are support groups out there for people who have friends or family that have bulemia. I can't think of one right now but hopefully smiles will give you some more info. Also you could get some info at those groups to be able to help her more.

Looking after you isnt selfish and will help her in the long run.

<edit>
A site that might help
www.something-fishy.org (iirc, this used to have a chat room and was one of the nicer sites relating to bulimia)

</edit>

Best wishes,
A.

Doodee

keep showing her support whatever she does, even if she attacks you for it.

different ppl develop it for different reasons, but someone supporting you always helps.

Silent Grape

be there for her, no matter what,and tell her you'll always be there for her no matter what. keep telling her you love her etc etc. constant reassurance and love a plently will help in bounds. if her birf is cuming up throw her a surprise party.

there a few good websites giving professional advise on how to help a bulimic. i used to be myself and if she's obsessed about her food in particular they have great food related groups in joh of gods.

however, maybe sugggest a one on one counseller to her, because those groups in john of gods are not for the faint hearted.
good luck, and show her all the love u can!

mia x

Detonated Sauce

I heard about this in Zoolander, Your friend can read minds?

LegacyUser

thanks for all your replies, it all makes good sense but to be honest i wouldnt even dare suggest a support group to her.

i guess ill just try and keep reassuring her that shes beautiful and that im here for her.

thanks

Gordon

My (very limited) knowledge of people with bulemia is the fact that they are very concerned about their looks. OK, I'm sure this isn't the only thing that is wrong, but one of the major problems is the way they look.

If I was on your end Worried, I would try and stave off just a little from telling her how beautiful she is because this just engrains into her mind how much beauty is important to people. If she hears all the time that she is beautiful and then she thinks she's a little fat - she may think that her beauty is fading - and it's so important to stay beautiful isn't it?

I'm not saying it's a bad thing to tell her the truth that she is beautiful as I'm sure she is. I'm just saying that maybe you should also remind her how wonderful her soul is, how gorgeous her mind makes you feel and how sexy her sense of humour is.

sunbeam

Eating disorders are never 'about' food even though the sufferer may be convinced that looks/weight is the problem. They are usually a coping mechanism: an attempt to control stress, anxiety or other emotional problems by controlling food, or to block things out by eating oneself into a daze.

It is possible to recover without counselling or a support group, but it is difficult. I have never been bullimic, but as a compulsive overeater/dieter found the only counselling offered to be unhelpful as it completely revolved around food and simply made me more obsessed about it. In the end I recovered myself by reading a lot and joining some web based support groups.

As I did not have bullimia I'd be very reluctant to recommend specific books/groups to your girlfriend (and am by no means suggesting that she SHOULDN'T attend counselling), but would agree that the Something Fishy site mentioned above would be a good place to start. Gurze books http://www.gurze.com/ also publish many useful self help resources in the eating disorders area.

Silent Grape

sometimes it IS 'just' about food and looks.

MrNuked

Ask her when it started and if she knows why. Could be linked to somebody making her feel bad or disgusted with herself or something traumatic. Might help to talk about it. It might not be linked to concern about her appearance at all.
Make her feel special and beautiful.
Make her dinners.
Tell her you love her body, and if she's not dead thin that you don't really like skinny girls cos they're not as feminine. But also say you'd love her no matter what shape she was, waht she looked like etc.
Pay loads of attention to her breasts.
Possibly make her nice meals and take her out to dinner and tell her you don't want her to puke it up. If you think that would work. Don't be annoyed with her if she does though obviously.
Talk openly about it in private unless it embarrasses her. Don't treat it like a taboo subject cos that will make her feel worse about it.

LegacyUser

I would have to disagree with you MrNuked

Originally posted by MrNuked
Ask her when it started and if she knows why. Could be linked to somebody making her feel bad or disgusted with herself or something traumatic. Might help to talk about it. It might not be linked to concern about her appearance at all.

I think your girlfriend would be better off to talk to a counsellor first before she talks to you. If she does say what causes her bulimia she would benefit more from a professional reaction. Your reaction may only make things worse

Make her feel special and beautiful.
Make her dinners.
Tell her you love her body, and if she's not dead thin that you don't really like skinny girls cos they're not as feminine.

She won't appreciate all the attention being drawn towards her body. Making her dinners will make her feel even worse because she knows that you know about the bulimia and will only feel like you are trying to make her fat.

Pay loads of attention to her breasts.

She might feel just like a sexual object to you and not a person.

Possibly make her nice meals and take her out to dinner and tell her you don't want her to puke it up. If you think that would work. Don't be annoyed with her if she does though obviously.

Telling her not to "puke" will only make her hide the problem more.

Talk openly about it in private unless it embarrasses her. Don't treat it like a taboo subject cos that will make her feel worse about it.

This advise I agree with.

Take it from a girl who has been there. I have suffered from bulimia and anorexia. It's not easy and getting her to talk to a professional is the best way forward for both of you.

Love her mind and not her body and she will start to catch on that it's not how she looks on the outside that's important. When she knows that then you can start to tell her how beautiful she is on the outside.

MrNuked

Meant pay ateention to her breasts in bed, not by saying things like "you've lovely tits"
Probably not a good idea to draw attention to her body alright, but if she makes some remark about herself being fat or something, sincere compliments would be a good idea.
Telling a councilor about it instead of you might be a good idea although i would dislike it personally. If it is linked to something traumatic be prepared to hear it. Might be fellas treating her like a piece of meat makes her feel disgusted with herself. Definitely agree that making her feel loved as a person is the thing.

LegacyUser

RE the proffessional reation :

when she told me i dont think i gave any sort of an emotional reaction, as far as i can remember i was very placid and understanding about it and could easily talk to her about it without showing any signs of me being either disgusted or freaked out.

as for telling her i love her, that might not be a good idea as im not with her very long and shed probably run a mile, but i do keep telling her i mad bout her

Vlad_Tepes

My girlfriend was bulimic too. But then she started the pill and got so affraid to be pregnant, that she stopped eating and vomiting straight away. I know that's not a solution on the clinical bas, but it helps some people. She went to a doc who helped anyway, but the pill was the starting point...

LegacyUser

shes decided to get help

im really happy about this, does anybody know any phone numbers or anything?

LegacyUser

hi there

im glad to hear shes going to get help. i suffered from bulimia also and the organisation bodywhys helped a lot. there number is: 01 283 5126

they also run support groups all over the country...i went to them and found it very helpful.

a book i found great was "Bulimia Nervosa and Binge-Eating: A Guide to Recovery" by peter cooper...well worth getting.

anyway good luck.

The Sweeper

yeah - bodywhys:

http://www.bodywhys.ie

LegacyUser

thanks everyone for your help, i really appreciate it

Gordon

Thanks - handy hints/charter thread updated. If my explanation of bodywhys isn't great please give me a better one if possible.