A young guy turns up at a hotel reception:
"I'd like a single room, please."
"Certainly, sir," said the receptionist. "With bath or shower?"
The guy is bit short of cash, so he asks, "What's the difference?"
She says "Well You have to stand in the shower,"
ME: what ya up to?
HER: eating a sandwich and catching up on Game of Thrones
ME: oh, SPOILER ALERT the-
HER: LALALALALA NOT LISTENING
HER: *throwing up*
ME: I was trying to tell you that the deli meat in there is like 6 months old
An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students. Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class.There are two things you need to make a career in medical forensics. First, you must have no fear.Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpse's anus and licked it.Now you must do the same, he told the class. After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the class did as instructed. Second,the professor continued, you must have an acute sense of observation. For instance, how many of you noticed that I put my middle finger up this man's anus but licked my index finger?
A little boy asked his dad whats in between mums legs and he says it's paradise my boy. Ok whats in between your legs and he says its the key to paradise.And the boy goes well you better get that lock changed because that pri*k next door has a spare key.
A blonde woman is walking down the street, with her blouse open. A cop is approaching from about a block away, thinking, boy, my eyes must be going, it looks like that woman's right breast is hanging out. As he gets closer it becomes apparent that her breast is hanging out. When he gets face to face with her he says, Ma'm, are you aware I could cite you for indecent exposure?" She says, Why, officer? Well, your breast is hanging out.She looks down and says oh my god I left the baby on the bus.
A young man was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex. He asked, How often should you have it? His grandfather told him that when you first get married, you want it all the time, and maybe do it several times a day. Later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so. Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year, maybe on your anniversary. The young fellow then asked his grandfather, Well how about you and grandma now? His grandfather replied, Oh, we just have oral sex now.What's oral sex? The young man asked. Well, grandpa said, she goes to bed in her room, and I go to bed in my room. And she yells, Fu*k you and I holler back, Fu*k you too.
What did Russell Crowe do when the cannibal ate his wife?
Nothing – he was Gladiator
What do you call a smiling Roman soldier with pubic hair between his teeth?
A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital. He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses.
"Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest.
"No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward."
While out one morning in the park, Andy Murray found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing no one around it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts. Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change. A blonde girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts. What's that?she asked, with her eyes gleaming with lust . It's a tennis ball replies Andy Murray.Oh,says the blonde sympathetically, that must be painful.... I had tennis elbow once.
A man bought a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him and decided to take it out for a drive on the motorway. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided too put the boot down. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.There is no way they can catch a Mercedes, he thought to himself and up the speed further. The needle hit 90, 100.....Then the reality of the situation hit him. He says to himself what am I doing? Then he thought to himself I better pull over. The police officer came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. It's been a long hard day says the police officer, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, I don't need the frustration or the overtime, so if you can give me a really good excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go.The guy thinks about it for a second and says, Last week my nagging wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back. Have a nice weekend, said the officer.
Man applies for a job with the Gardai.
The Inspector says, "These are the best qualifications I've ever seen, just one test before you get the job. Take this gun, go and shoot 6 knackers and a rabbit"!
Bloke asks "Why the rabbit"?
Inspector replies, "Fantastic attitude. See you Monday"!
"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
There was a queen and her three knights and the queen said go on a journey, and who ever comes back with the most ping pong balls will be the king.So the knights go on their way.A few days later one knight come to the queen with 1000 ping pong balls. The next day the second knight comes with 10000 ping pong balls. About two or three days later the third one come with no ping pong balls but with bruises, scratches, and a broken leg. The queen says to the knight where are all of your ping pong balls? and the knight says Ping pong balls? I thought you said King Kong balls.
A middle aged management executive was told by his doctor that he should start playing some sort of sport so he decides to play table tennis. After a couple of weeks his secretary asks him how he's doing. It's going fine, the manager says.When I'm playing and I see the ball speeding towards me, my brain immediately says, 'To the corner! Back hand! To the net! Smash! Go back!'" "Really his secretary replies. What happens then the secretary asks?"Then my body says, 'Who? Me? You must be kidding
A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads, Talking Dog for Sale. Intrigued, he walks in and asks the dog what have you done with your life?. The dog replies I’ve led a very full life. I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now, I spend my days reading at a retirement home The guy is flabbergasted, he turns to the owner and asks, Why on earth would you want to get rid of a dog like that? The owner says, Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that.
A child psychologist had twin boys one was an optimist; the other, a pessimist. Just to see what would happen, on Christmas Day he loaded the pessimist’s room with toys and games. In the optimist’s room, he dumped a pile of horse sh*it.
That night, the father found the pessimist surrounded by his gifts, crying.
What’s wrong? The father asked.
I have a ton of game manuals to read and I need batteries … and my toys will all eventually get broken! sobbed the pessimist.
Passing the optimist’s room, the father found him dancing for joy around the pile of horse sh*it. Why are you so happy asked the father?
The optimist shouted, There’s got to be a pony in here somewhere.
People are usually shocked when they find out I'm not a very good electrician.
I guess they couldn't see that lightbulb moment.
A Rabbi and a Priest have a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days.The Priest replies, I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God. The Rabbi continues, And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Morgen David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.Then he hands the bottle to the priest. The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest. The Priest asks, Aren't you having any? The Rabbi replies, No...I think I'll wait for the police to come.