How do you know penguins good race car drivers? Because they are always in pole position.
What do you call 500 penguins in Athlone? Lost.
Why can't penguins fly? Because they are chocolate biscuits.
Original thread here
Why was the egg arrested?
He was walking down the road with his yolk hanging out
What do you say to a constipated cat?
Have a break, have a sh1t, cat.
A woman in a hot-air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”
The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, “You’re in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.
“She rolled her eyes and said, “You must be a Republican.”
“I am,” replied the man. “How did you know?”
“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help to me.”
The man smiled and responded, “You must be a Liberal .”
“I am,” replied the balloonist. “How did you know?”
“Well,” said the man, “you don’t know where you are or where you are going. You’ve risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You’re in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it’s my fault.”
Why don't polar bears eat Penguins?
They can't get teh wrappers off...
How do penguins like their whisky?
On the rocks!
What's a penguin's favorite Mexican dish?
What's black and white and red all over....?
Penguin jokes being flogged to death.
How does an Eskimo mend a broken window?
So I was on a bus when somebody tapped me on the shoulder.
I turned around and saw an old lady. She said "would you like some nuts? I've got a couple hazelnuts and almonds if you'd like."
"Sure.", I replied. Then she gave me a handful of nuts and went back to sit with her friends.
A few minutes later, I felt another tap on my shoulder and there she was again, offering some nuts. I gladly accepted and she went back to her seat.
After about 10 minutes, she tapped me on the shoulder, once again offering some nuts.
I asked her, "Why don't you eat them yourself?"
"Because we've got no teeth", she replied.
"Then why do you buy them?", I asked.
"Oh, because we just love the chocolate around them."
Absolutely fuming, just been pulled over by the police and as I got out of the car the officer said, "Turn Around" so I replied "Every now and then I get a little bit terrified when I see the look in your eyes", the officer then shouted "TURN AROUND" so I said "Bright Eyes"...... it was at this point I got tasered.
Coming back home from Boston on Easyjet earlier this year when the American pilot started doing his speech thing "We are now cruising at 35,00 feet" when he was done he forgot to turn off the intercom and went on talking to his co-pilot saying "you know what I could go for right now is a fukin blowjob and a cup of coffee" The stewardess hearing this at the back of the plane goes bombing up to the cockpit and as she passes me I yells to her "Hey stewardess, dont forget the coffee!"
What did the Horse say when he got out of the fridge?
Dung Beetle wants into a bar - "is this stool taken?"