#1

When I met herself, she was mad for it. However in recent years (15 years married) she will do anything to avoid it. Like whats the jackanory? Its driving me cracked! - Yes I'm in permanent employment and we have a nice gaff in a fairly salubrious area - so whats the problem? I try to vary my technique so she doesn't get bored. So ladies whats the answer?

jill_valentine Registered User
#2

Ask her if there's anything she wants to try. Anything.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaanything.

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#3

Your post is about your OH - one specific woman. Your title is about ALL women. Just because your partner doesn't want to be intimate anymore doesn't mean all women "go off sex".

Also, why don't you just bloody talk to her like an adult ffs?

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#4

Susie_Q said:
Your post is about your OH - one specific woman. Your title is about ALL women. Just because your partner doesn't want to be intimate anymore doesn't mean all women "go off sex".

Also, why don't you just bloody talk to her like an adult ffs?



Anytime I raise the subject, its almost as if Ive started a row and then she will ignore me until I apologise for raising the issue (can go on for weeks - is this normal?) - It seems to suit her that I raise it and she then has an excuse to ignore me. - It affects every part of my life!

Wibbs Je suis un Rock star
#5

More suited to here

#6

Would she be seeing someone else?

Another common reason would be that the guy has let himself go??

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#7

In my past relationship I went off sex for one reason. I was not happy. The relationship wasn't working so I didn't want to have sex and then it made the relationship worse. It went into a down ward spiral.

Seeing as she won't talk to you about it, maybe go to couples counselling?

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true-or-false Registered User
#8

This is going to sound really cliché, but you should try making her feel special. Make her feel like it's about her, not like it's a chore she has to do for you.

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Oryx Registered User
#9

scholar007 said:
Anytime I raise the subject, its almost as if Ive started a row and then she will ignore me until I apologise for raising the issue (can go on for weeks - is this normal?) - It seems to suit her that I raise it and she then has an excuse to ignore me. - It affects every part of my life!
She probably sees you asking 'why dont you want sex?' as an attack. Because she already knows you want it more than she does, and that its a bone of contention she would rather avoid. The reasons why any woman might not want sex are a multitude, and in my experience a man can shove issues to one side and just have sex, but for me, everything thats going on can affect libido:

Tired and stressed
Overfamiliarity/boredom
Low libido
Not enough time/risk of interruption by kids etc
Feeling pressure to perform
Feeling unloved
Feeling unsexy/ugly/fat/thin/dowdy
Unresolved issues with their partner (emotional or life based)

You have to keep trying to talk to her, but not in a way that makes her get defensive. Difficult to do if you have a 'history' of rowing about it, I know.

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Neyite Giraffe
#10

scholar007 said:
When I met herself, she was mad for it. However in recent years (15 years married) she will do anything to avoid it. Like whats the jackanory? Its driving me cracked! - Yes I'm in permanent employment and we have a nice gaff in a fairly salubrious area - so whats the problem? I try to vary my technique so she doesn't get bored. So ladies whats the answer?


It's a bit odd to imply that if you have a steady job, a nice gaff in a nice area that its somehow connected to female sexual arousal. It's not. All that does is ensure that some stressors that can affect relationships are not applicable in your situation, but there are plenty more.

And being "varying" in your technique very much depends on the lady in question. Maybe she is dreading the next "technique" you dream up. She may like it a certain way, and when you introduce new things she gets fed up because she knows what gets her off and this new thing you are doing is not it. It sounds like you dont even discuss the new techniques with her so how do you know its what she wants? Maybe she does not want unusual positions or techniques, maybe she wants more kisses, hugs and affection while having sex?

You offer two reasons why she shouldnt be not up for it, and quite frankly, if you say it to her like that, I'm not surprised you get her shutting down on you like that. I would be beyond furious with my partner if he thought that his job or our home should somehow have me ready and aroused without any other personal input from him.

My point is, it could be anything. You need to rule out what does not apply, and only you and her will know for sure: Have either of you put on weight? - if you have, she may not feel as attracted to you, if she has, maybe she is very self concious about her body. Bad breath? Body hygeine?

Has she changed hormonal contraception? Could she be approaching menopause? Has she started or changed any medications? Could depression apply? Does she get ill, or run down? Has she any other medical issues that might have a knock on effect?

Are you making enough time (outside of sex) for you both as a couple. Are you tactile or affectionate during the day - do you hug, kiss or compliment her? Do you go on dates or romantic nights out/ weekends away? Do you get on ourside of the bedroom or are there issues that are unresolved?

Do you have children? Does she do all the housework? Is she knackered by the end of the day and just wants to fall into bed?

It may very well be that she is no longer attracted to you. It may be that she is happy with a once a week shag, where you still want it 3-4 times a week?

The only thing you can do is ask her what is going on. Tell her that you think its a symptom of something that is going wrong in the relationship and that you want to work with her on it. Suggest counselling, because I think you both are communicating your frustrations very badly here.

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#11

A lot of relationships have a 'best before date'. Maybe yours has expired. Don't mean to be blunt but most women I know don't want to have sex when they have emotionally withdrawn from the relationship. You don't really elaborate on other areas of your relationship so it's hard to say. Do you still talk - not essentials, I mean really talk, go out together, have fun etc?

Talk to her, try counselling, if necessary go your separate ways.

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#12

It quite simple. Discuss it with her like an adult and try to find out what the problem is and then fix it. If it's not reconcilable, you'll have to reconsider your marriage. A marriage without sexual intimacy isn't really a marriage/relationship.

Torakx Registered User
#13

scholar007 said:
Anytime I raise the subject, its almost as if Ive started a row and then she will ignore me until I apologise for raising the issue (can go on for weeks - is this normal?) - It seems to suit her that I raise it and she then has an excuse to ignore me. - It affects every part of my life!


My ex gf wrote me a massive letter after i left her a few years ago,that explained alot after i left her.
One of the issues was she was avoiding sex sometimes and it became more frequent.
Turns out she actually loved the sex and said it was the best she had..strangely the issue was a medical one and she was too embarrassed to tell me.
So instead she became defensive and guilty about it when i tried to figure out what i could do to make things better.
It eventualy built up and aggravated other areas of the relationship and it ended abruptly by me leaving.
Moral of the story is, it might not be you,it might be you.
You will not know unless both parties start communicating.

If she doesnt want to talk about it then she is possibly being defensive for some reason.
Theres a reason for everything and as for finding hers,thats something im not sure.
Each individual has their ways of communicating.

Maybe she needs to know that you need her to communicate or this will become more of an issue.
Maybe she can write you a letter? see a counselor to figure her wy to communicate with you better.
End of the day she will just have to start communicating or this wont get fixed.
Hope you get there.

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#14

Thanks for the advice - Much appreciated.

Wompa1 Registered User
#15

From an experience I had myself in a past relationship and from issues some of my older friends have discussed with me, it's usually down to something she's unhappy about. She may be less attracted to you if your appearance has changed much, maybe she's lost feelings for you, or maybe she's got other non-relationship problems on her mind.

No matter what the problem is, If she's unwilling to talk about it, after a while I'd say enough is enough and tell her you want a separation or divorce. I look back at when it happened to me for over a year and because it took a while to get over the woman while she rolled right into bed with somebody else, I just see it as a prison sentence I served.

Sex isn't the be all and end all. But it's an intimacy in a relationship and I think anyway if you don't have that intimacy it puts a strain on the relationship and makes it unbearable for the partner.

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