I can only speak about this from a male perspective, i have been with a few women that could climax from penetrative sex. I have been with others that couldnt.
I didnt think it was a big thing but from reading some of the posts, it seems that those who can climax, are lucky
You're not unusual! The majority of women can't orgasm from penetrative sex alone. http://abcnews.go.com/Health/ReproductiveHealth/sex-study-female-orgasm-eludes-majority-women/story?id=8485289#.T5l1OauXQTg (This is just one of MANY articles on the subject, they'll all produce different numbers but it's always women who can't orgasm from penetration who are in the majority!)
I think I feel weird about telling him what to do, because it's like saying what you're doing isn't good enough, and don't want to seem like that's what I'm saying.
I've never had an orgasm through sex. I can't remember how long we gave that position, but yea it would be good to try that again - that was doggy style. It seems a little awkward for him to reach around in that position, and I could do it, only like I said already it seems stimulating my clit during sex is like it's too much going on and does nothing. But maybe if I did a bit of that before sex begun too.
I just don't get the wanting to be close and intimate with someone, and that being good enough. But then I think a number of things in my life have given me some weird views of sex.
I know it's my body, I will try be more ok with guiding him.
We've tried a tingly lube, but it kinda stings me. I don't think he'd be up for a cock ring.
I get if there's nothing you can do, there's nothing you can do, but I don't get how women are so ok with continuing to have sex, if it's purely for the mans pleasure. I really don't get that. I mean I care about him, but I'm definitely not going to want sex anywhere near as much as he wants it.
Sex should still be enjoyable even without an orgasm. I don't orgasm from penetrative sex but I still love having sex with my boyfriend. You seem to have a very negative attitude towards sex and maybe you should address that. To use a cliche, "it's not the destination, but the journey", i.e. sex isn't just about having an orgasm.
Foreplay is really what you need to work on, don't be stressing about not having an orgasm when you're actually having intercourse. You say you're not comfortable with "telling" him what to do, well there's ways to go about it that doesn't make it sound like you're saying that you don't enjoy what he's doing. Be encouraging rather than bossy e.g. "Mmmm I love it when you......" or "It feels really good when you...." etc. You also have to try and be relaxed as possible. It's difficult when obviously this is on your mind but thinking about it too much is going to have a detrimental affect.
Try lying on your side whilst he penetrates you from the "big spoon" position. Without the need to support his bodyweight above yours it'll be far easier for him to reach around (it's also a fantastic position for deep, slow sex).
They sell them in Tescos so just chuck one in the basket when you're shopping and give him a wink. If he's still not up for it, you're with a very boring guy...
You really need to relax and allow yourself to enjoy sex. I think ibarelycare is right on the money with her comment about it not being all about the destination. Don't think of it as something you're doing for him or to him, think of it as something you do together. I remember an old religion teacher of mine in school telling us in Leaving Cert that we shouldn't let the way language is used inform our sex lives: you don't actually fuck / 'make love to' someone, you fuck / 'make love' with them. Good advice I think.
I'd agree with this totally and think this is what you need to work on OP. If you don't enjoy the closeness and the intimacy then I would question whether you should be with this boyfriend at all. As much as you do, he deserves to be with someone who finds him and his mere presence terribly exciting.
You question why women would want to have sex if it is just for the man's pleasure - but that isn't what people have described at all! Getting off on doing stuff to your partner should be incredibly exciting and as much for you as it is for them. Yes orgasms are brilliant etc, but if you aren't enjoying the whole process then honestly you would be better off not bothering with sex and just masturbating when you feel like it. And I'd also wonder whether if you are not enjoying the whole process, you will ever be able to come from sex with him.
You mention that there are other issues going on which have coloured your opinions on sex...perhaps now would be the time to work on those by yourself? Or, maybe you just haven't met someone yet that will make those issues seem like they aren't that big a deal?
I don't get the sense from your posts that you are particularly into this guy, so maybe it is time to think about waiting to find somebody who does make you appreciate intimacy, closeness etc.
It is enjoyable still, my point was that I won't want to do it as much if I can never physically enjoy it much.
Maybe it seems like it, but I don't have a negative attitude towards it. It's just a logical view of it I think. I mean how often would anyone masturbate if they couldn't reach orgasm? I think anyone would admit it'd be frustrating if you couldn't.
It's just that my boyfriend has a very high sex drive and I have a low one, and this is making the issue a bigger deal.
We've tried the spooning position, and it didn't do much for me at all, nor him. I might mention about the ring, though I don't think it's fair to call him boring for not wanting to use it.
I may have made it seem like I don't like it, or I'm not relaxing, but really I am. I'm completely relaxed. I don't approach it with the idea of having an orgasm, I do it because it's kind of a nice feeling physically, but more so because I love seeing my boyfriend enjoy himself so much.
I don't understand what is different about the closeness you get from cuddling and kissing, compared to sex.
I love him, and I love being around him. I don't know how I've made it seem like I don't. It's just the sex I'm talking about. I love giving him oral, because he seems to love it. I do see things like that too, I just mean that sex is a lot of work physically for something that really doesn't do much for me. I mean how many men would want to have as much sex if they could never get anything from it? Why should it be different for a woman?
There are some things about the combination of me&him that have contributed to this I think - we don't have a whole lot of foreplay, he doesn't seem to be very hands all over me kinda, and doesn't even seem to look at my body when we have sex. Maybe I would feel more like doing it anyway if I felt there was something about me that meant it was more than just sex to him.
OP, the one thing you dont mention here is arousal. You never mention being turned on at all. I mean that feeling of being horny and wanting to rip someones clothes off? Sex without that, is indeed a functional and basic thing. Arousal is the fuel that drives the engine.
You say your sex drive is low. But what do you find turns you on? Maybe you should try to discover what does, outside of the actual physical act of sex,which can turn into a chore if you are only doing it because someone else likes it. It could be images, books, music, roleplay, a type of sex or something else entirely. Once you discover what it is that makes you feel sexual, you can work to bring that feeling into your physical relationship. You need to wake up your sexual side and find what makes it tick.
I used to be quite similar OP, I generally only came myself and I still can't come with oral but about two years ago I had my first orgasam during penetrative sex and I have no problems now, although my boyfriend is well hung so that could have something to do with it.
I also get what I think are G spot orgasams as they sort of well up from inside and keeping coming in waves. Oh and try Durex Pleasuremax condoms, they are great.
I don't get what kind of orgasm you're having if the first one you're talking about isn't a g spot orgasm. Is it clit stimulation too? And does his size matter much when it comes to this? I know where my g spot is, but it seems to do absolutely nothing for me, and it's way too near the entrance to get hit with sex like I'd imagine it's meant to.
Can't try condoms that aren't thick, as for now I can only rely on condoms as contraception.
Most of the time I'd only have sex when quite aroused. I do get aroused quite easy, when kissing my boyfriend. I'm very aware of the things that turn me on. But there's not much I can do about that. After all, libido is a big factor at play here. I just don't want to get physical all that much. I mean here that watching porn would get me aroused usually, but well right now, I'm not in the mood, so I wouldn't watch it. do you get what I mean?
Sorry by the way if it seems I've an attitude here, I don't. I think I just come off like that sometimes. But the only thing is that it's frustrating. Any man I've known has had a big sex drive, and I just don't, so I'm always the one feeling pressure to do more than I want.
Just to correct you slightly on this:
These pelvic floor muscle exercises should not be done while actually on the toilet peeing, as they contribute to bladder and kidney infections if you stop mid-pee. This was stressed at my antenatal clinics by the physio's, midwives and also the pregnancy yoga instructor I attend.
These exercises are very beneficial to pregnancy and birth, plus ensures that after birth, the risk of bladder incontinence can apply, which is why we have had it drilled into us. However, a happy coincidence of doing these outside of pregnancy is that they can add very much to penetrative intercourse, and turn a clitioral orgasm into a whole-vaginal one, which in turn helps orgasm through pentrative sex, so you can come together
The correct technique for pelvic floor exercises is:
Hold in the muscles around the anus as if you are holding in wind. Quickly hold and release 10 times.
Do the same with the muscles around the uretha as if you are holding in a pee.
Then concentrate on the middle area around the vaginal opening, as if you are lifiting your skin away from your underwear.
After you do it quickly 10 times, try slowly drawing in the muscle for a count of 4 on an inhale and release slowly counting to 10 on the exhale.
You should not be tensing any muscles around your stomach, buttocks or thighs while you are doing it, otherwise the PFM are not getting the workout. You should never do it while on the toilet. If you are doing them correctly, they should not be visible to anyone else so you can do them at your desk at work if you like.
Are you on any meds that reduce libido? There are some meds that can lower sex drive. Other than anti-depressants and contraception pills, blood pressure medications also have an effect on libido. If you are on any medications, including OTC (allergy medications can have an effect as well) speak with your chemist, they have more knowledge of side effects than most prescribing physicians. At least make sure if this is a medical issue or pharmaceutical issue. Also chronic illnesses such as diabetes tend to have an effect on libido.
If it is the case that you have low libido naturally then there is really not much you can do about it. There are people that have higher sex drives and others that have lower ones. There is nothing wrong with it but it is best to make sure it isn't medical or pharmaceutically related. Other than that just make sure you express this with your partner and you both have a compromise when it comes to the bedroom issue.
Like the above poster has said, are you on any meds...how about the pill? try changing what pill you are taking and it might help.
Also, this is not an attack on you by any means but relax...I was with a girl before who didn't seem to enjoy sex much, I'd climax with her quite quickly out of sheer nervousness, the sex was never enjoyable for me or for her. Before her and after her, sex has been very enjoyable and lasted for hours. I think a lot of it is mental when it comes to sex, if you are overthinking things or maybe never reached climax in the past and have that expectation set for you, it could be a block of sorts.
If you relax and tell yourself it feels good while you are doing it, it will actually feel good and your brain will focus on what's good about it and you'll get your climax
Ok im going to sound clueless again but one last question (hopefully)......when you guys talk about girls orgasming from penetrative sex- are you taking about coming just from the movement of his penis inside her? or do you mean him/ her stimulating the clitoris while having penetrative sex and coming from that?
I've only come during penetrative sex (no clit stimulation) once but I often stimulate my clit while having sex with my OH and I can time my orgasm to coincide with him.
Thanks for the responses guys and sorry for the graphic descriptions- cringe!