#1

Good chance she'll be spending the night some time in the future, in a non-sexy way. I've really been into her for years now, but I'm too afraid to do anything, partly because I'm an idiot and pretty funny looking, and partly because her brother is a really good friend. I'd love to try some sort of a relationship with her. Does that make me a bit of a dick? Does that concept of a "Bro Code" exist outside of when it's handy for a particular individual? Seriously, no idea what to do here.

I'm not positive she has any interest in me, but she does get close when we spend the night in the same bed (Also in a non-sexy way). Never seen her be close with any one else. Is it possible to do this and lighten the risk of falling out with a friend? Help, please .

#2

If you like her you should ask her out.

It's none of her brothers business whether or not you two see each other. She's a grown woman and can make her own decisions without any input from her brother or anyone else.

If you two aren't hurting anyone then there's no reason that you can't see each other.

If he does interfere then it is up to you and his sister to tell him to butt out and mind his own.

If he had feelings for your sister and acted on them, I can't imagine he'd be too impressed if you or anyone else tried to interfere and would probably tell you to mind your own business.

Be prepared to lose a friend though if things go wrong between you, he may take her side and ditch you or he may decide it's none of his business and will continue being your friend. Or he could decide to be civil etc to you, but still not have much to do with you.

LuckyLloyd The Voice of Reason
#3

OP, talk to your friend about this imo. It would be a difficult subject to raise no doubt, but if you are good friends then it is worth forewarning him of how you feel. Even if he hates the idea, well you will have been up front. Take it from there.

1 person has thanked this post
Beruthiel omnipotent and omniscient
#4

Ol'
Does that concept of a "Bro Code" exist outside of when it's handy for a particular individual?


Who knows?
Who cares?

You are both grown adults and if you ask her out on a date and she say's yes, then really, it's nobody elses business what ye get up to.
After all, her brother doesn't get to say who she does and doesn't date.
It's no longer the 1800's.

4 people have thanked this post
Dubhlinner Registered User
#5

People think its an issue over brothers being protective but I think its another reason

At present you and him are mates. He trusts you and probably tells you personal things

If you start going out with his sister the dynamic changes. Before he tells you anything personal he has to wonder if it will get back to her. Also he might tell her things he doesn't tell his friends so the dynamic with his sister also changes.

It also means the context in which he hangs out with you changes. He'll see both of you less and likely when he does you will probably be together. Its not the same and a strain on male friendships

So it will be a big deal. I don't have a sister but this would be my experience any time a female friend started seeing a male friend. Completely wrecks the previous dynamic and doesn't repair itself if they split up because usually you have to take a side

It can of course work out depending on the type of friendships involved. Usually complicated though

farmchoice Registered User
#6

Dubhlinner said:
People think its an issue over brothers being protective but I think its another reason

At present you and him are mates. He trusts you and probably tells you personal things

If you start going out with his sister the dynamic changes. Before he tells you anything personal he has to wonder if it will get back to her. Also he might tell her things he doesn't tell his friends so the dynamic with his sister also changes.

It also means the context in which he hangs out with you changes. He'll see both of you less and likely when he does you will probably be together. Its not the same and a strain on male friendships

So it will be a big deal. I don't have a sister but this would be my experience any time a female friend started seeing a male friend. Completely wrecks the previous dynamic and doesn't repair itself if they split up because usually you have to take a side

It can of course work out depending on the type of friendships involved. Usually complicated though


I agree with this. My best friend started going out with my younger sister. Our relationship changed not because I was pissed off with him or anything, I was happy for them both it was just the dynamic was different. He later went on to marry her and I was the best man at the wedding and we are still best friends and probably see more of each other then we would if he had married someone else.
Over time our friendship went back to where it was.

I say go for it, ask her out.

PlainP Registered User
#7

I have no brothers but my OH and I had a few conversations abouts his mates and their sisters getting together.

He told me that it was a complete no-no going out with your mates sister..

He also went on to tell me that if the said mate was interested in the sister they had to ask the mate first or at least let them know that they were interested in their sister before starting anything.

Now I thought this was complete nonsense, I don't know if its just a man thing because I would have no problem with my sister going out with a friend of mine and she wouldn't have to ask for my permission to do so.

So in other words maybe be cautious and try and see if your mate would be like this or would he be ok with you being with his sister.

daisybelle2008 Registered User
#8

You might be jumping the gun a little with all this talk of 'Bro Codes' and asking permission nonsense. I'd say figure out if she fancies you first and take it from there. If she does I am sure ye will figure out a way together to handle telling the brother if it comes to that.
It is all kind of redundant speculating unless you guage if she is actually interested in you in that way.

2 people have thanked this post
squonk Registered User
#9

Yeah, forget the bro code stuff for now. Just maybe ask the girl out. If nothing comes of it, so be it. If you do go on a few dates and it's looking good, then it's time to maybe mention it to her brother (if he doesn't already know). You have to play it as it suits you. You're only dating afterall at that point.

Look at it this way, he knows you and knows you're a decent guy so he at least knows his sister is seeing someone nice. If he's got a problem about it, it's his problem and he'll come round in time.

This is one situation where the dynamic will change though. If you end up breaking up with the sister, it could be problematic. Having said that, a good friendship lasts an awful lot of things and a bit of time apart if a breakup happens, might actually get you back to where you left off anyway.

Look, the important thing for now is to go for it and ask this girl out. Worry about the other stuff if she says yes.

bellylint Registered User
#10

I would be happy for most of my mates to go out with my sisters, the odd one or two are dicks to girls and for my sisters' sake I wouldnt want them to get involved. Personally I would have felt it a bit strange if one of my friends asked me though.
I have had two friends who had very different views on the matter from me.
Ultimately its not down to some unwritten 'bro code', its just down to the particular person. If she is already sleeping in your bed, even in a friendly way, he might have an idea that something could happen anyways.
Just be a decent person to all involved.

amtc Registered User
#11

i can't believe that no-one has picked up 'even in the same bed' from the first post...I have good male friends but it's not something that is usual. I couldn't imagine a brother being happy with this sharing of beds in an ad hoc fashion.

My best friend is a guy and while we have cuddled on the sofa in a friendly hair messing and shoulder rubbing I wouldn't do that, bed is another thing. it's called boundaries. We've slept in the same house many times, but bed would never come into it (he loves my floor!). I just don't think it's appropriate.

So it could be a good omen of how she thinks about you that she is willing to. I still think it's strange though and beyond the usual.

On the substantive issue, people meet people through people. If you like your friend's values and lifestyle it's likely his sister will have the same ethic. That can only be good. I would say though that it means you have to be serious from the start.

1 person has thanked this post
Reesy Registered User
#12

Hi,

One point: if you're going to ask her out, you need to do so in a context where here saying she's not interested would not make things difficult for both of you. For that reason, don't ask her when you're both in bed - unless there's another bed one of you can move to (and use it thereafter). Good luck with it.

As for whether to ask your mate, I'd say the best bet is to explore the subject gently with her, first - if the attraction's mutual, then you (both) need to tell him, pronto.

Good luck.

Dubhlinner Registered User
#13

amtc said:
i can't believe that no-one has picked up 'even in the same bed' from the first post...I have good male friends but it's not something that is usual. I couldn't imagine a brother being happy with this sharing of beds in an ad hoc fashion.

My best friend is a guy and while we have cuddled on the sofa in a friendly hair messing and shoulder rubbing I wouldn't do that, bed is another thing. it's called boundaries. We've slept in the same house many times, but bed would never come into it (he loves my floor!). I just don't think it's appropriate.

So it could be a good omen of how she thinks about you that she is willing to. I still think it's strange though and beyond the usual.

On the substantive issue, people meet people through people. If you like your friend's values and lifestyle it's likely his sister will have the same ethic. That can only be good. I would say though that it means you have to be serious from the start.



No its not that unusual. Completely normal for lots of young adults who are close friends to share a bed.

Unfortunately for the OP it may be an indication she sees him in a platonic light.

AlabamaWorley Registered User
#14

Don't ask for permission, just let him know how you feel about her, see how his reaction is.
I think he would appreciate it more if you said it to him rather then 'going behind his back'

That being said it's up to you what you do or who you decide to spend time with.
If your intentions are respectful, then I see no problem.

Want to share your thoughts?

Login here to discuss!