A real woman is a man's best friend.
She will never stand him up and never let him down.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.
She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible...
No wait...Sorry.I'm thinking of whiskey. It's whiskey that does all that.
Men Should Understand...
Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree.
Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but are real easy.
The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing.
They just have to wait for the right man to come along.
The one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.
Women Should Understand...
Men are like a fine wine.
They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the **** out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
Statement: "I'm a Romantic."
True Meaning: "I'm poor."
Statement: "I need you."
True Meaning: "My hand is tired."
Statement: "I am different from all the other guys."
True Meaning: "I am not circumcised."
Statement: "I want a commitment."
True Meaning: "I'm sick of masturbation."
Statement: "You're the only girl I've ever cared about."
True Meaning: "You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me."
Statement: "I really want to get to know you better."
True Meaning: "So I can tell my friends about it."
Statement: "It's just orange juice, try it."
True Meaning: "Three more shots, and she'll have her legs around my head."
Statement: "She's kinda cute."
True Meaning: "I wouldn't kick her out of bed but a pillow over the head might be necessary."
Statement: "I don't know if I like her."
True Meaning: "She won't sleep with me."
Statement: "I miss you so much."
True Meaning: "I am so horny that my male roommate is starting to look good."
Statement: "Was it good for you?"
True Meaning: "I'm insecure about my manhood."
Statement: "How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?" True
Meaning: "Is my penis really that small?"
Statement: "I had a wonderful time last night."
True Meaning: "Who the hell are you?"
Statement: "Do you love me?"
True Meaning: "I've done something stupid and you might find out."
Statement: "Do you 'really' love me?"
True Meaning: "I've done something stupid and you're going to find out sooner or later."
Statement: "How much do you love me?"
True Meaning: "I've done something really stupid and someone's on their way to tell you by now."
Statement: "I have something to tell you."
True Meaning: "Get tested."
Statement: "I'll give you a call."
True Meaning: "I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again."
Statement: "I've been thinking a lot."
True Meaning: "You're not as attractive as when I was drunk."
Statement: "I think we should just be friends."
True Meaning: "You're ugly."
Statement: "I've learned a lot from you."
True Meaning: "Next!!!!"
Statement: "I'm on a long distance call, can you call me later?"True
Meaning: "I gotta turn on my answering machine."
Oldie but Goldie.
How to make a woman happy
It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:
* arrangements she makes
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Show up naked
2. Bring beer
: A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs. A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
: A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a washcloth and towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
: A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
: A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
: A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
: A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
: A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
: Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
: Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?"
The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s her boobs are like melons, round & firm. In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. ... After 50, they are like onions".
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, "Mom, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"
The mother smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree".
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes --- dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration!"
MALE V FEMALE AT THE ATM
1... Drive up to the ATM.
2. LOWER your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Raise window.
7. Drive off..
(Unfortunately, most of this is true.!!)
1. Drive up to ATM machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Put hand brake on, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on mobile phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN ...
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in cheque book and place receipt in back of it.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to ATM machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card
holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and drive off.
25. Redial person on mobile phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 kilometres.
27. Release Hand Brake.
Cleaning (for Men)
Broom (brum) - A long handled brush used for sweeping (also doubles as a mode of transportation for your mother)
Vacuum (vak' u em) - Much like the leaf blower except it sucks in, instead of blowing out. Don't let this alarm you. It isn't broken and doesn't need more torque, speed, RAM or whatever it is you did to the dishwasher.
Dust Pan (DUH) - Contrary to popular belief, this is where you sweep the dirt, not under the hallway area rug.
Dust Cloth (dust kloth) - A cloth designated for removing tiny particles of dirt from every flat surface of the house. Hint: Look for your old "lucky shirt".
Bucket (buk' it) - Cylindric container used for holding soapy water when mopping the floor. Also known as your mid-evil knight helmet when you're playing with our seven-year-old.
Mop (mop) - A bundle of coarse yarn, rags ! or cloth fastened at the end of a stick. You'll remember this as your dance partner at the New Year's Eve party last year.
Toilet Brush (to lit brush) - Used for scrubbing the inside of the toilet bowl. I don't care what this looks like, you may NOT use my shower luffa again!
Oven Cleaner (UV en Klen' ER) - No, not the teenager. This is an actual product that you buy, spray in the oven and wipe out two hours later. You won't need your welder's mask for this task, but if it makes you feel more dangerous, go ahead.
Sponge (spunj) - Used to gently wash away food particles from dinnerware. It won't be necessary to use your 300psi Power Wash set. That was given to you in hopes of cleaning the exterior of the house (hint hint).
Squeegee (skwe' je) - Same principle as washing the car windshield, and yes, real men do squeegee.
Ole was on his deathbed and implored his wife Lena, "When I'm gone, I want you to marry Sven Svenson."
"Why Sven Svenson?" his wife asked. "You've hated him all of your life!"
"Still do," gasped Ole.
Things to NEVER Say to a Women During Sex
Cool, I've never been to the Grand Canyon.
How many storage boxes can you fit in there?!
You must be very experienced.
Remember, you said this was a freebie...right?
Wait, let me get a board and rope so I don't fall in.
I gotta take off my watch, wouldn't wanna lose it.
Why do you wear a bra when you've already got a belt?
So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
Look ... I can get my whole arm in.
It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
Is that an optical illusion?
If I look right at it, I feel like I'm falling in.
Would you mind wearing a paper sack on your head?
Do you mind if I wear one too...in case yours falls off?
Jeez...What ya got up there, dead fish?
I heard you could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch.
I've been wondering all night what that smell was.
Maybe if I get really wasted I won't mind your body.
Everybody down at the bar said you were good.
I expect a good time ... at least, the bathroom wall said so.
You're not as ugly as people claim, not quite anyway.
You're not that fat.
I see why everyone said, with you, it's better with the lights out.
Wow, you like it the same way your little sister does.
My mate's missus left him last Thursday, she said she was going out for a pint of milk & never come back!
I asked him how he was coping and he said, "Not bad, I've been using that powdered stuff."
ATTRACTION -- the act of associating horniness with a particular person.
LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT -- what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy, people meet?
DATING -- the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.
BIRTH CONTROL -- avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men or spending time around children.
EASY -- a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.
PRIG -- a term used to describe a woman who wants to stay virgin until married.
EYE CONTACT -- a method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many woman have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.
FRIEND -- a member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.
INDIFFERENCE -- a woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."
INTERESTING -- a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.
IRRITATING HABIT -- what the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.
LAW OF RELATIVITY -- how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportional to how unattractive your date is.
NYMPHOMANIAC -- a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.
FRIGID -- a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex less often than he does, or who requires more foreplay than lifting her nightgown.
SOBER -- condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.
NAG -- a man's term for a woman who wants more from her life with him than just sexual intercourse.
An attractive blonde from Cork arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.
She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'.
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!'
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'
The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'
MORAL OF THE STORY -
Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb, but all men...are men.
Two mates were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. "Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style," asked the one? "Well, not exactly," his friend replied, "She's more into the trick dog aspect of it." "Oh, I see, kinky, huh?" "Well, not exactly. I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead."
Diversity Training Test"
See how you score on this one.
1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.
2.You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.
3.You time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss ESPN SportsCenter.
4.Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend needs to ever find out about.
5.Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you just had sex with is:
A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.
6.Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:
A. No big concern of yours.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.
7.You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
A. A myth
B. An oxymoron
C. A moron
8.Foreplay is to sex as:
A. Appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.
9.Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
A. "I hope we can still be friends."
B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
C. "Welcome to Dumpsville, baby... population: YOU."
10.A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Probably Is too uptight and a waste of your time.
C. Probably shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.
If you answered:
"A" more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really are a man.
If you answered:
"B" more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're a little confused.
If you answered:
"C" more than 7 times, "YOU DA MAN!!"