#16

Dwn Wth Vwls said:
If it was me, I'd accept the three weeks off and say "Okay, I'll stay away this one time. But before he leaves you have to say 'my boyfriend' at least once to your friend.".

If the friend does know your bf is gay but just doesn't want to talk about it, he might not actually have a problem with it. Casually dropping "my boyfriend" into conversation is something that lets him know for sure, but doesn't require him to react. They can continue not talking about it, but know that it's not a secret.


I think that's a very dangerous thing to do. It's not casual in the slightest especially if you're a homophobe, you would pick up on it instantly. Youre practically outing him in front of his friend and what makes it worse is that the bf is afraid to do so.
If my boyfriend ever did that to me he would be gone.
I never found it easy to come out and although my family doesn't know I'm gay, they are never supportive of that sort of thing. So imagine if someone took the power away from me and did it for me. I would be furious at the person who did it because I would have no control over the situation and I'd have no tolerance for anyone who would be selfish enough to do something like that to me.
Overall bad idea. I think it's best just to let the bf do what he likes for now and tackle all this sh*t when he is ready for it.

azezil Hosted Moderator
#17

1ZRed said:
I think that's a very dangerous thing to do. It's not casual in the slightest especially if you're a homophobe, you would pick up on it instantly. Youre practically outing him in front of his friend and what makes it worse is that the bf is afraid to do so.
If my boyfriend ever did that to me he would be gone.
I never found it easy to come out and although my family doesn't know I'm gay, they are never supportive of that sort of thing. So imagine if someone took the power away from me and did it for me. I would be furious at the person who did it because I would have no control over the situation and I'd have no tolerance for anyone who would be selfish enough to do something like that to me.
Overall bad idea. I think it's best just to let the bf do what he likes for now and tackle all this sh*t when he is ready for it.


Eh, he's saying the op's bf should mention his bf casually in conversation, not the op

Beruthiel omnipotent and omniscient
#18

kisaragi said:
This is the only person in the world who my bf isn't out to.


How far is your b/f willing to take this?
I mean, you guys sound like you are interested in making a real go of this relationship.
So, what happens if at some point in the future ye decide that this is for life and you put down roots. Buy a house. Maybe even think of having a family.
What then?
Will you still be made to disappear when he comes to visit?

Don't get into an argument over this, but calmly pose the above questions to him.
If things go well for you guys, eventually he is just going to have to come out to this person.
I actually don't get how you can value a friendship when the other person doesn't know about a big part of your life. What's the point?

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#19

azezil said:
Eh, he's saying the op's bf should mention his bf casually in conversation, not the op


I'm finding it getting too confusing taking about them sometimes They should be given fake names so as to avoid saying things like "the OP's bf's friend!"

kisaragi Registered User
#20

floggg said:
OP, where is this friend from/living? The fact that he is coming for a three week stay planned so far ahead would suggest to me he's living a fair bit away and perhaps they don't see each other very often?

If so, you might be over reacting - though understandably so. You sound like a confident, strong and secure person to come out at 15. Did your bf find it harder to accept things or come out than you though? If so, he may still find it hard to come out to his friend and fear losing him.


They're both American so yes it's a bit of a trip! That's exactly his fear - which while I understand I find it difficult to relate to.

How far is your b/f willing to take this?
I mean, you guys sound like you are interested in making a real go of this relationship.
So, what happens if at some point in the future ye decide that this is for life and you put down roots. Buy a house. Maybe even think of having a family.
What then?
Will you still be made to disappear when he comes to visit?


We talked about this and he joked about putting me up in a hotel... He basically said he doesn't know yet how he would deal with that - which is an honest answer I suppose I can't rush him into doing anything he doesn't want to.

You guys are right in that three weeks is a small sacrifice. I just need to be more sensible and less emotional!

I actually don't get how you can value a friendship when the other person doesn't know about a big part of your life. What's the point?


I am in 100% agreement and would never be friends with someone like that, but it's his choice to be friends with him.

maccy Registered User
#21

I kind of had this problem with one of my friends. It got to a stage where it was just something that wasn't talked about - because I think he wanted the ball to be in my court thought it would be easier for me to say it to him.

Anyway I just had to bite the bullet one day... I was drunk when I did it... and it all turned out ok.

However I know the fear your bf has of not wanting to mess things up. I'd cut him some slack and just let him do it his way. I know its crap for you but trust me this is not something he enjoys doing - its prob eating him up inside.

DubArk Registered User
#22

kisaragi said:

However, my boyfriend has a friend coming to stay with him for 3 weeks during May/June, who has expressed clearly that while he knows he is gay, he refuses to have it mentioned and basically doesn't want to know. This is the only person in the world who my bf isn't out to. This means that for these 3 weeks I can't see my boyfriend, unless the friend is away. This visit was planned before I was on the scene, and their friendship goes way way way back.


Really the fact is your bf is out to this guy…. it’s just this guy doesn’t want to acknowledge the situation.

I remember been so affected by what my friends thought when my partner and I first moved in together. I was still in the closet to most people who I grew up with. We lived in the UK. I would have done anything to hide our situation. I remember, mates of mine were coming over to the uk and were looking for a gaff to crash and visit me. I encouraged my bf to go visit his family that wk end and had the guys over. I’m laughing here just thinking about the way I went about it. Hiding things in the house in case they’d put 2 and 2 together. It wasn’t worth it because I spent the whole time on edge and felt guilty about how I duped my bf. I lacked confidence back then and I cringe at my younger self allowing that to happen but that's how you learn.

Let your bf handle the situation in the manner that he feels is best at this stage. Support him because I have a feeling that it’ll be that last time he does so. Three weeks is a very long time to be hiding you and the real him. You have stated that you’re both planning to stay together for the long haul. This is one of many experiences that you’ll share and in time wonder what all the fuss was about.

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Vojera Registered User
#23

I don't think you're over-reacting, but I think you need to consider how your bf feels. He knows he has to tell his friend, and I bet every time he thinks about it he gets that awful fluttery panicky feeling in his stomach because he's not sure he'll be accepted. It's not an easy thing to let go of a friendship you've had for years because someone can't accept who you are.

I would let it go this one time. Don't stress him out over it, don't pressure him into telling him now, but just say that he really does need to have a good think about his future. It's just not realistic that this friend can never be told. It has to happen eventually. Maybe he can use this visit to test the waters and scope out how he thinks the friend will react, and hoepfully the next time he visits, you can be introduced properly.

mrroboto Registered User
#24

If this guy really was a friend he wouldn't care. And if your BF tells him and gets a bad reaction then he's not a friend and no friendship has been lost.
That said if it was a family member was coming to stay I'd respect your BF's wish for you to stay away. You only get one family. You can choose your friends.

hewlake Guest
#25

mrroboto said:
If this guy really was a friend he wouldn't care. And if your BF tells him and gets a bad reaction then he's not a friend and no friendship has been lost.
That said if it was a family member was coming to stay I'd respect your BF's wish for you to stay away. You only get one family. You can choose your friends.


Its not always as simple as that!

Aurongroove Registered User
#26

Be careful how you read some of the advice given OP. It's easy for people to give axiomatic confrontational advice from the comfort of their computer chair far away from the various aspects of the reality of the situation.

I suggest that realistically, if your BF is a keeper and you trust him and he did invite this guy before you were in his life etc etc then you should just to get the trip over and done as planned without flanking him with grand schemes of your own while he's trying to cope with someone who's clearly a handful.
You can easily sort out how you felt about the whole thing afterwards when his "friend" is safely out of both your hair.

I know the situation is crazy, but these kinda of people do exist in the world and if you befriend then find out they have a 'thing' you don't just say "sorry you're fired from being my friend because of your 'X trait' I just discovered". There is a certain amount of diplomacy and phasing in and out of people and it looks as if your boyfriend found you and things moved fast and now this friend is a remnant that your BF needs to handle.

I have a pretty decent friend who is grand in almost all circumstances, but they fly off the handle when it comes to religion, I also know another person who is perfectly lovely and are funny and grand but you can't swear in front of them and despite having children they claim they've never had sex (ergo don't realize you need to have sex to have children ergo every one realizes they are not a virgin,but they don't realize everyone realizes). maybe your BF's friend is like that, fine is every way except has a super weird 'thing' where suddenly people stare wide-eyed at them for a sec then just let it go because it's too weird to tackle in everyday conversation.

Of course you should tell your BF after ward to definitely not make any fresh invitations with this guy, unless it's in the active duty of either waking the guy up (a project i wouldn't like to take on) or getting rid of the guy.

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