Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in
the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend
"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"
Mrs. Murphy was looking for the grave of her late husband (a notorious
criminal) as it had been a while since she was there. She went to the
cemetery's management office and said, "I am looking for my husband's
"OK, madam," said the director. "What was his name?"
"John Murphy," she answered.
He looked through his large book for quite a time and finally said,
"Sorry, there are no John Murphys in our cemetery, but there is one Mary
The woman brightened up and said, "Of course, that's it! Everything was
in my name."
An Irish priest was driving down to New York and got stopped for
speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smelled alcohol on the
priest's breath and then saw an empty wine bottle on the floor of the
car. He said, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," said the priest.
The trooper said, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looked at the bottle and said, "Good Lord! He's done it
A man walked into a Melbourne bar and ordered a pint of the dark liquid.
'Excuse me,' said the only other drinker. 'Is that an Irish accent I detect?'
'It is, sir. Dublin to be exact.'
'Bless my soul,' said the first. 'I'm a Dublin man meself. Ballymun to be precise.'
'Bedad, aren't I from Ballymun meself - Carberry Street in actual fact,' remarked the second.
'Carberry Street is where I was born and raised meself, and St Joseph's was me parish church, Father Dunne the parish priest.'
'Didn't I go to nine o'clock mass every Sunday at St Joseph's. What an amazingly small world. Did you go to St Joseph's School?'
'I did. I was in Miss Slattery's class.'
'God in heaven. So was I.'
Just then the phone rang and the Aussie barman said, 'Not too busy at the moment. In fact there's just the Murphy twins here.'
Murphy says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're shaggin' the wife. The whole street was watchin' an' laffin' yesterday. Paddy responds, "Well, the joke's on them...I wasn't even home yesterday!"
Paddy decides to go rabbit hunting, but when he gets to his favorite field he sees the village priest is already there.
Paddy watches with fascination as the priest holds his finger over a rabbit hole and immediately a rabbit pops out. The priest grabs it and puts it into a sack.
He repeats this unusual but very successful technique until his sack is full of rabbits.
Paddy stops the priest and asks him how he does it.
Easy, says the priest. Put your finger on your wife's pussy and then hold it over a rabbit hole. They can't resist the smell, so when they come out grab them."
Paddy rushes home to find Maureen bent over scrubbing the floor.
He lifts up her skirt and applies his finger as directed. Without looking up, Maureen giggles, "Holy Moses, Father! Rabbit hunting again?"
'Is that the Liverpool Echo?' said Patrick. 'It is.'
'How much would it be to put an ad in your paper?'
'Five pounds an inch,' replied the receptionist.
Too dear!' snapped Patrick.
'Why? What are you selling?'
'A ten-foot ladder,' said the Irishman, and banged the phone down.
A group of Americans was touring Ireland.
One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining.
The bus seats are uncomfortable. The food is terrible.
It's too hot. It's too cold. The accommodations are awful.
The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone.
"Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone,"the guide said.
"Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it.
Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."
"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted.
"We have some other boring tour to go on.
So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone."
"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."
"And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.
"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."
Two Irishmen walking past a Police Station.
A big poster at the front reads "Two Polish men wanted for rape"
Paddy turns to Mick and says "Dem Fokkers always get the best jobs".
Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before morning tea Pat yelled:
"Mick! I lost me finger!"
"Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do it?"
"I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi......
Darn! There goes another one!"
Scorcher Murphy was selling his house, and put the matter in an agent's hands.
The agent wrote up a sales blurb for the house that made wonderful reading.
After Murphy read it, he turned to the agent and asked, "Have I got all ye say there?"
The agent said, "Certainly ye have...Why d'ye ask?"
Replied Murphy, "Cancel the sale...'tis too good to part with."
Paddy and Seamus were wlaking along the street when they came across two fella's carring bags of salmon.
"Where did you get them? Asks Paddy
Sure my mate held me over the bridge and I caught the salmon in my net as they jumped up the river.There's loads of them, it's easy pickings Says the first man.
"We must try that ourselves" says Paddy to Seamus.
Sure enough later that day Seasmus was holding Paddy over the bridge who was trying to catch salmon with his net. 20 minutes went by, nothing. 10 minutes later Paddy screams "Seamus quick pull me up!"
"Why Paddy have you got a salmon?"
"No there's a fecking train coming!"
O'Malley was leaving his favourite bar when he was run over by a bus. He gets to the gates of heaven and St. Peter tells him he cannot enter unless he passes a test. What choice did he have, O'Malley agrees to try as he never was the brightest bulb in the box.
St. Peter decides to go easy on him, 'What has 5 fingers and is made of black leather?' he asks. O'Malley scratches his head, thinks hard and finally gives up. 'It's a glove says St. Peter.'
Let's try again. 'What has 10 fingers and is made of black leather?' asks St. Peter. O'Malley is clearly stumped. After a few minutes of pacing in a circle and scratching his head, O'Malley gives up. 'Why it's 2 gloves - don't you see 10 fingers, black leather, says St. Peter amazed.'
Being in a generous mood, St. Peter decides to give O'Malley yet another chance but thinking of an even easier question. 'Who is the patron Saint of Ireland?' asks St. Peter, thinking he can't miss this.
'It wouldn't be 3-gloves, would it?' says O'Malley.
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O’Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she’s in tears.
He says, “So what’s bothering you, Mary my dear?”
She says, “Oh, Father, I’ve got terrible news. Me husband passed away last night.”
The priest says, “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?”
She says, “That he did, Father …”
The priest says, “What did he ask, Mary?”
She says, “He said, “Please Mary, put down that damn gun.”
Paddy & his wife are lying in bed & the neighbour's dog is
barking like mad in the garden.
Paddy says 'To hell with this!' & storms off.
He comes back upstairs 5 mins later & his wife asks 'What did
Paddy replies 'I've put the dog in our garden, let's see how
they like it!'
A scuffle started in the local one Friday night. Words were exchanged, then insults and finally blows. Bottles, glasses, people, flew through the air and Casey ended up being hit in the face by a sharp piece of glass which cut off his nose.
'Stick his nose back on and hold it with your hand,' ordered McGinty. 'And we'll get him to the hospital.'
Out into the street they flew to be greeted by sheets of rain pelting down.
Quickly they bundled the injured man along and into the casualty department.
'Will he live?' inquired the boys.
Too late,' said the doctor, 'he's a goner.'
'Was it loss of blood?' asked Finbar.
'No, he drowned. You put his nose on upside down,' sighed the doc.