Actually, i might as well say this here to cement the concept...I've started a quite ambitious project to help out an Irish mental health charity. Over Christmas i was thinking a lot about the last 2 years of my life and how lucky i am to have my family,friends and fiance to help me out. It struck me that not everyone is in that situation so i should try and help them.
Got in touch with some people i know about offering something to the project and it's grown, within a week, to be a huge thing. It really drove home to me how many people have their lives affected either directly or indirectly by mental health issues.
It also kind of proved to me an old belief i had that if you want to feel better about the world then do something for charity...you tend to see the very best of people.
I leave tomorrow morning. Bangkok, Phuket, Siem Reap, Hanoi, Hongkong, Shanghai and Beijing. I'm like a kid on Christmas eve. Back on the 15th of March. I'll be tweeting pics and writing on my blog (@devore and www.containstracesofnut.com)
I bookmarked your link so I can check in on it from time to time, looks interesting.
Yea..the French do some things well...don't they...
I live in Shanghai. If you get here in early March, I should have some free time to show you around a bit. Expect to get drunk, very drunk
anyone see sinead o'connor on the graham norton show? that song is brilliant, she sang it really well, it was like an emotional release for me, i feckin bauled cryin after it. the words to it or something............
I have to say that this is the nicest thread in all of the Boards universe. I like the supportive atmosphere. Keep up the good work everyone.
I've read through this whole thread and it really helps as I was diagnosed with depression quite recently and I can relate to a lot of what is said in here. Thoroughly agree that depression seems to be a taboo subject in Ireland!
Quoting myself, oh the vanity!
Well I've made the big move, all 10 miles of it, but seeing as I don't drive, not isolated anymore, everything within a 10 minute walk at most, 2 minutes in a lazy mood! No excuse for not getting out of the house.
Young lad is loving the change, cinema a 10 minute walk and we watched the Muppets on Saturday. (Great piss take of modern nicey, nicey movies) He loves having everything so handy and when he asks me "what will we do next time I'm over" no excuses. Even a 5 minute walk to get out of the house will do. He's a great young lad, easily pleased, all he wants is to watch Fr. Ted, Dr. Who and the new target, the Fawlty Towers box set!
Should be able to visit one evening during the week with no real bothers and that was my worry.
Sister is nearby and full of ideas and plans! God bless! Heart is in the right place but I keep telling her, one step at a time, not trying to take over the world in Pinkey and the Brain style just yet.
It's funny, she'd be very familiar with alcoholics but it seems to me Alcoholics get a pass on recovery, depression less so. I suppose its a sign a recovering Alcoholic is a pretty normal person these days in Ireland, people still haven't got their head around a depressed person trying to recover, though many similarities.
Maybe it's an alcoholic is a physical thing, people can see the cause, they can't with depression.
Anyway, a few targets in my mind, need to set the next achievable target. A big step made, the small steps could be the hardest, so many to pick from.
I've been doing generally better the past few weeks, shamefully because I've been seeing someone. still a week to go till my second CBT session.
been down all evening. i see tomorrow starting with a major struggle to get out of bed. but oddly enough I seem to still be sub consciously telling myself I don't want to be like that, and I'm thinking I will force myself out for my jog. it all remains to be seen though.
What kinda scares me a fair bit is how this condition has effected my time with those I love. When I see my mam, the only one who has truly engaged with this despite the amount of tension that has come out of it, there tends to be that underlying reality of my depression and how it limits me to truly be happy and spend time well together. I fear that I may look back and regret not being able to show my appreciation and share times that meant something. When I'm away from my loved ones I can only think about crying beside them, when Im with them I am somewhat numb. Its been over 3 years since I fell into this.
I get nightmares about my brother and mother and awful things happening causing me to wake up in a state of utter dread, regretting that I never showed them how much they mean to me. I have nightmares about being left behind by old school mates, about being alone. Nightmares where I'm smiling just to compromise with those I seek to be wanted by, its now become so engrained in me. Dreams of school and how I used to try and carry myself in a nonchalant way to seem unaffected at being a bit part player in the whole experience. All those years, unreal.
Does anyone feel at night they wanna cry out of sheer bewilderment of how alone and desperate they feel? Every night I lie down alone and feel numbed by sadness at how things have come to be. I struggle to sleep with hesitation of what my dreams will bring. Every now and then I break out of the lull and feel a surge of sorrow at the heavy, solid reality of how I've ended up, the sheer truth of it can be a hard pill to swallow.
I dont think I've ever felt any healing or catharsis in talking to anyone about this. I keep thinking that when this and that happens it will be all fine etc. But as time has gone on I'm beginning to wonder. All hear is conflict and contention about every avenue I can choose from causing me more bewilderment as to what I should next. I hear people talking about this problem in all different manners but for whatever reason I still feel very disconnected from their sentiments. It seems people are either limited in their words or perhaps dont have clue of the depths of depression. Certainly its a very obscure dilemma and my heart goes out to those who have had no choice but to look inside this kind of wound, the families and sufferers, its a unique experience.
When I see people and friends laughing and "getting on with life", there really is nothing like it, its so damaging and puts you right back in your place. I can begin to see that a lot of people I've known seem a bit at odds with me despite me putting up the best façade I can. I'm not ignored but any potential for growth and developing a friendships/relationships is entirely redundant. People dont gravitate to me, people find me somewhat flat, unenthusiastic, apathetic, almost as though its a choice.
The reality is I do have a sense of humour, I have a wealth of understanding of the human condition, I have loved, I recognize beauty in things, there are instances where I feel more than alive. I only say this cuz I sometimes I get the impression that folks think that those who suffer with condition have no inner landscape other than "everything sucks, meh", that we are empty vessels. That we are choosing to live life from a shaded distance.
GuitarZero, can't write much cos I'm on an iPad while travelling but I had to write to say this:
Absolutely. And what's worse is that people in my daily life think I'm tough as nails and have everything sorted and some nights I would just lie there without any idea how I could come back to the surface and not suffocate.
I call it "wallowing", mostly because I don't have the right vocabulary for this thing...
What I've learned is that there is no bottom to that pit. I used to think at somehow I would have this release and that would be better for me and clean out the system but there was never a "bounce" for me. The more I wallowed the more I wouldn't see any reason not to go deeper and deeper into the rabbit hole.
I've learned that you have to fight, fight from the first minute, fight the hobgoblin, fight the negative spiral. Don't go there because there is NOTHING there for you. No great insight, no release, no peace, just endless descent. At least for me that's how it is.
You can change all of this, you think you can't but you can. I had the same ing happen to me about my folks and how I hadn't told them how much they meant to me. The phone rang at 11pm and it said "Home". That scared be cos my folks are out cold by 10pm so I got a start and thought "omg, it's my dad, it's *that* call". I was nearly frantic when I answered to find it was my mum just calling to ask me something after a night out.
The next week I took them for dinner and in the middle of it I just blurted out how much I respected how much they had done for me in my life. I just opened my gob and said the words. I just reached into my pants, grabbed a handful, took a deep breath and told the people I love more than anything that I appreciated everything they had done for me. They were a bit taken aback because it came out of nowhere but my father, usually a fairly unemotional Dub, looked prouder then I've seen him in a long time.
So, pick a day, stick it in your head, arrange to meet and just tell them. That's my advice anyway. You aren't a passenger in your own life, fight back, take charge, get up and get in the game. Believe me, I'm not being trite, I know how hard it is when you have Velcro for a back and everything seems pointless. Listen to the voice telling you you know you should do this, concentrate on it and ignore the howls from the hobgoblin. Decide to do it and then head down and get it done. You'll be thankful, I swear. Don't let this pass, don't put it off. Don't feel embarrassed, you'll make their day.