Just a point about this....
Being French I always believed it's a good habit to get teens used to taste wine or beer within the family meal context, Champagne in special occasions, in tiny amounts, etc, so it doesn't turn into the "forbidden fruit" attraction at 18...I do it with my own teen.
I have lately read (cannot remember where) that this (continental/middle-class?) attitude of letting children taste alcohol within the family (i.e. early alcohol introduction with parental permission)leads to more alcoholism problems than the traditional Irish/ American full prohibition. I think there was a thread about it...
I'm relatively lost now, though I'll follow my instinct of making her taste tiny amounts, for the taste and not the drunkenness aspect.
It might be OT, but what do you do think about it?
This is the episode of worlds strictest parents in Ireland!
Hi Galway mom,
My lady is diabetic since the age of 7, she is well aware that getting drunk could kill her.... We very rarely have alcohol in the house but when we do she is allowed some....
I grew up where I could drink alcohol in the house as I had an alcoholic dad, and I rarely drink, however my brother followed in his dads foot steps... I ve heard addictive tendencies run in families......
Depends on the person really.....
This is beginning to become a serious issue for me and my 13 years old daughter as well.
As a foreigner I'm totally lost in confrontation with irish teenage drinking/swearing/knackers culture. I'm trying to enforce some rules at home but I know I cannot compete with the outside world which is much more important for her obviously...
She's 14 now, we arrived here when she was 9, so she practically finished the primary school here and now its the college... She knows here place very well so she wouldn't swear of misbehave at home. But when I see her outside with her 'school friends' or during conversation in the internet she's practically a young slut...
Her life is all about drinks, fags & weed, talking sexually offensive thrash to everyone around with absolutely no self-respect for her own wellbeing. When asked why is she behaving like that she answered - because everyone is doing that... In school, outside, everywhere kids especially males are just treating girls like ****, asking them for a blowjob, spanking their asses and such. I saw it once and believe me it was a horror... Then I read her facebook conversations and I've found much much more there...
I'm in shock and I don't really know what to do. Right now I'm even considering leaving the country if I won't find another solution.
We were trying to talk with her about it, but she completely do not understand the issue here, she grew in this culture and for her offensive sexually abusive language and no-respect for herself is a completely normal thing, she started to lie about everyone and everything 24/7 like all her 'friends' do (part of the cultural stereotype as well), she started to drink, smoke etc... all within one year
Maybe I'm just an old guy but for me this is the road to self destruction... Especially with super-low education level here in Ireland these kids have nothing to do... School is not even a challenge... The only culture they can see are young people who treat themselves as ****, with absolutely no respect to anyone, drinking drugging and smoking... What other alternative can I offer her here in Ireland???
Thats a tough situation to be in, I don't know what to advise but I hope someone can help you but don't run down all Irish teenagers. Not all of them are doing this kind of thing and even with our "super low education level" most of them know their boundries.
My 15 yr old girl is thankfully not in a crowd like that, her life revolves around music and the computer. All her friends are decent sorts. I think having an interest makes a difference sometimes. My daughter always tells me she can't afford to be drinking cause it would leave her with no money to spend on her music.
Where is your daughter getting the money to drink? What kind of curfew does she have? Have you met her friends and their parents? Are they aware of what is going on? Could there be something deeper going on in her life that you are not aware of?
xyl.az, your child sounds like she is hanging around with the wrong crowd. That is not normal or acceptable behaviour for Irish teenagers.
School should be a challenge unless she has dropped her subjects to ordinary level instead of higher. If she is actually bored, then let her take additional subjects. I took 12 subjects to junior cert, and 9 to the leaving.
She will get upset, so it may not be worth the upset to the family, but maybe consider changing her school. Your profile says east cork, there are plenty of secondary schools there. We are from that area as well, and I think I can guess what school you are talking about...
xyl.az honestly if that was my teen I would be coming down like a tonne of bricks.
She'd had to earn back any privileges such as net accesses, molbile phone, money and being let out to see 'friends. She would also have a list of chores to do around the house.
She's 13, she's not an adult, she's not as in charge of her own life as she thinks she is.
I know it won't be easy but the hard choices for those we love rarely are.
One of the best pieces of advice I ever got was that when something goes wrong with your child (and 14 is still a child) then try a different parenting tactic. She is spreading her wings in the wrong direction and you need I am sure you are a great parent and if it were me I would cut all internet access until she can be trusted to use it in an appropriate manner, ground her until she can be trusted not to put herself in un safe situations and find her an activity/organised sport etc.. Tell her why you're doing it along the way and don't shout and scream. Good luck, it's so difficult to be a parent of any age child but I think parents of teenage girls deserve a special medal!
You allow your 12 year old to drink a glass of wine, TWO ? Jesus.
simple rules for my kids (all grown up now )......
i speak....you obey (i don't speak very often)...
no making other peoples life a misery....
no swearing in front of your parents....(they still don't )..
ring up when you are staying out......
early nights on school days.......
No rules to speak of in my household. The only one is manners and respect for yourself as well as others. I came from quite a brutal background where the family motto was "my way or the highway" and I was determined not to repeat that. I also had my first child in my teens so really I didn't have a clue what I was doing and was just trying my best.
I am an open book to my kids, I would hope that anything they want to talk about or are curious about they can come to me about them. We talk a lot as a family, I love listening to the teenager and learning about her view of the world. We don't always agree on things but thats all part of the fun. I respect her as a person and an individual. I understand that making mistakes is an important part of growing up and that we can't expect our children to be perfect.
All I want is for my kids to grow up happy, healthy and well adjusted members of society. Certain things I can let slide, I think as a parent its important to pick your battles wisely.
They know their parents are reasonable and nothing is so bad they cannot talk to us about it. So far so good. Never had a problem with them touch wood.
There is no "right" way to parent, its so much more than what you do, hence you have families where all the kids are raised the same but one sometimes goes off the rails. You just have to trust yourself and do the best you can and hope for the best sometimes and trust that whatever they may do they eventually find their way.
I'm not a parent (soon to be though!) but I'm ashamed to say I was very very like your daughter at 14. My parents were very lenient with me but in fairness to them I used to lie through my teeth and was very sneaky. I cringe when I think of what I did and got away with.
I only calmed down when we moved to a completely different country (due to my dad's work). I was heartbroken initially but I settled into a new life and got back to the books & did better in school (though I continued smoking behind their backs ).
I'm not necessarily saying that you need to move country but what needs to happen is that she is disconnected from that "scene" - the group of friends, internet connection, TV shows that encourage it (basically any reality shows).
My sister was also completely out of control (far worse than your daughter or me) until she was 18 and had moved to another city for work. My parents organised it and was only meant to be temporary (getting some training) but she ended up staying there and totally changed (now has her own business, husband, two gorgeous kids, very happy). She changed because she got away from the drugs scene she was in with the friends she had at the time, the low life guys she was seeing, the club scene etc.
Back on topic... I plan on being reasonably strict (but fair) and depending on the existing circumstances, I would probably do similar things to the parents in that show. I say this now...
I dont think that list is overly strict at all
1. They have to use their pocket money to buy their own clothes.
Aside from essentials such as uniforms and warm coats and shoes, I'd very much agree. in our house growing up, if you wanted to earn and save up money for fashion items (levis and DM boots in my day, the parents would meet us halfway if they saw we were making a genuine effort and foregoing our little luxuries to put aside money for what we wanted. But if we didnt make the effort, they wouldnt buy it for us. It taught us to be savvy with our money, swap with friends, hunt around for bargains.
2. Strictly no swearing in their house, one of the kids said "damit damit" and the parents got very annoyed apperantly.
Swearing was a big thing in our house. My parents never swore, not even in the company of other adults and didnt tolerate it in their kids. I'd be a bit more lax myself, perhaps allow swearing at a situation, but never at someone, or being disrespectful to others.
3. The parents control what their kids download (thats fair enough, i would do the same)
4. Weeknight TV is banned
We were allowed a set amount of time that we could watch, and we had to all agree on the programmes - anytime outside of the news times was allowed up to bedtime. I think we got a 2 hr allotment. TV never went on in the mornings as we'd never have been organised enough to get to school on time
5. Mobile phones must be handed to the parents every night.
If they are texting half the night, I'd do this too
6. No Social life on weekdays, no going out with friends on weekdays.
Outside of extra curricular activities such as sports or hobbies or a study group, I'd agree. Weekends are plenty for teens to catch up with their friends - after all they see them all day too.
I consider family life and interaction equally important and between homework and mealtimes and early nights for school, there is not much more time parents can catch up with their children and what is going on in their lives.
I'm a firm believer in the adage that children should be seen and not heard! I have 5 children, 10, 8, 6, 4 and 1 yr old. They do what they're told, when they're told. No back-cheek, no tantrums, no speaking out of turn permitted. My partner and I were told recently that we have the most mannerly children they had seen. There's a reason for that, it's called not letting them away with murder, it's called no-means-no.
Wow that's pretty strict...do you worry when they get to their teenage years and have a bit more independence that they may go the other way?