Ive been going out with my gf about 6 months now and if im honest it hasnt been the easiest but generally we get along well, shes lovely, we have a lot in common etc. The only thing is shes really selfish in bed.
When we're in bed together i instigate everything and for the most part she'll just lie there even though when i get things started she really does enjoy it. She doesnt like giving oral sex and has only done it once when i asked and more then that she'll never even touch me unless its something for her i.e once ive gotten her into the mood. I dont think shes ever even rolled over and kissed me, i always do that first too. Im starting to think that if i made no move nothing would ever happen.
I should make two points at this stage, i know she enjoys everything i do for her, if it was an aspect where she just didnt have much of a sex drive that would be absolutely fine, its the fact that by her own admission she does have quite a high sex drive thats baffling me.
Also, im pretty inexperienced and have had performance issues from the start which i only mention because im aware that that might be contributing to her lethargy but she doesnt even try anything to get me going.
Essentially our sex life is her going along with whatever i instigate with no energy or input from her and it makes me feel like a pervert tbh. This continues until shes in the mood too and then shes even less interested in doing anything for me.
I apologise if theres too much info here or if it seems like im blaming her for everything, i honestly dont mean to, im just completely exasperated by the whole scenario. Everything else seems fine but she will literally instigate nothing, try nothing. Its not even that she wont try anything out of her comfort zone she wont try anything at all and its only recently hit me how angry its starting to make me.
I could easily be as much to blame for this, my performance problems obviously must be very irritating for her too but i try at least.
Any advice or comments appreciated and sorry about the stream of consciousness post.
You just have to talk to her about it, sit her down and talk about it in a calm way, this is the only way to ever resolve any relationships issue.
Just make sure to choose your language and phrasing carefully, you don't want to sound accusatory or laying blame or fault. Just explain to her that you feel bad, that you have worries that she does not seem as into the intimacy as you are and ask her what are her feelings about it? Is she afraid to initiate anything herself? does she always wait for the men in her lives to start things?
Just ask her is she happy with things, would she like to change anything and though you are coming to her with an issue it is not a blame game, you are just trying to make things better between the two of you.
it could be that she is trying not to put pressure on you. If she knows you have performance issues, maybe she is nervous about starting something in case you have problems and then she feels guilty, or frustrated, or she is scared you will be annoyed at her for looking for sex when you cant perform.
I was dating a guy who had performance issues and I was always rather nervous about how to handle it ..Id often wait to see if he was interested in sex first rather than go looking for it. like your gf, I have a high sex drive so its not that I didnt want sex, but I didnt want him to feel bad if he couldnt get it up.
that said, once things started, I absolutely get involved. So whilst I can understand your gf maybe not initiating as much ---and for this, you could encourage her more, compliment her and respond if she initiates, or drop hints how sexy you find it, generally let her know that ur performance issues are not such a big deal and you would welcome sex.....but major major red flags with her apathetic interest once things get going
its not fair to expect you to do everything and its incredibly selfish and one sided of her. you have a right to be pissed off and to expect more. Either she starts taking part in sex as an equal partner or she should be shown the door...it doesnt show a nice side of her character to only be concerned about her own pleasure, I would wonder if maybe she is apathetic towards you outside the bedroom too??
think she may have been telling fibs here. clearly she doesnt
but wat jumped out at me, 6 months and it hasnt been the easiest?
that scares me, first 6 months are usually the best times
OP is it just in bed or does she even kiss/cuddle or anything out of the bed maybe her lack of intimacy could have something to do with the past?
Could she simply be saying she has a high sex drive because she thinks that's what you want to hear? Which would also explain why you constantly have to "get her in the mood".
A lot of girls think that their boyfriends want them to be highly-charged nymphomaniacs.
Introduce her to Dan Savage articles and podcasts, specifically his GGG (good, giving, game) philosophy. Changed my life.
If she doesn't respond, and it's an issue for you, and it doesn't get any better then you have to decide whether it's an issue you can deal with or it's a dealbreaker. Personally it has been a dealbreaker in the past, and I'm much happier for it.
I was like that for the first 3 months of my relationship, except I was happy to give oral and stuff, but would generally let the bf instigate everything purely because I had very little sex drive and was also extremely shy and a bit insecure about my body. Could be any of those reasons for your gf not instigating things, but really, after 6 months you shouldn't be putting in all the effort on your own.
I'm always instigating things now that I'm less shy and more comfortable in myself, and luckily my boyfriend didn't have to talk to me about it because I copped onto myself once I got used to the relationship, but you really need to talk to her. If she had a high sex drive, she'd be instigating things, so clearly that's a bit of an exaggeration on her part. Just talk to her and tell her that it makes you feel like she doesn't want you.
This sounds like it was written by my boyfriend a few months ago
We had the exact same problem. I never really thought about it at the time I just saw instigating anything as effort or a job. I thought it was great he was doing all the work and I never thought about it effecting our relationship.
My boyfriend eventually pointed it out and we discussed it. He was upset about the whole thing as he thought I was unattracted to him.
Now, I realize that I was being selfish and he makes a joke out of it if we are in bed. He says things like I have to go first or makes little comments about the situation which works because it reminds me that it takes two to tango and it avoids any arguements! (most of the time)
My ex was also like this. We once went 6 months without sex because I had spoken to her about it and refused to initiate. She subsequently never tried to so we went without until we went abroad and I guess she thought it was expected. Relationship ended shortly after that, she had cheated on me
Hi Op, sorry to hear you're having trouble at this stage in your relationship.
I'm in a relationship the same length than yours, and I could be accused of not instigating things too. I start kissing & taking off his clothes a little but then let him take the lead. The reason is that I am very inexperienced so I dont feel confident in taking control of the situation & dont feel I can 'follow through' when I start something; also I dont feel confident enough in my appearance to strip in a sexy way though I think he'd like it. I do try to make an effort, with oral etc, though I dont really know what to do/ what he likes. As far as I know, my boyfriend isn't as frustrated as you (though I think I'm trying a little more than your girlfriend); but I would hope that if he was he'd talk about it. I think I'm doing my best within my comfort zone but if he didn't feel that was good enough then we'd have a problem.
As other posters have advised, I think you should talk to your girlfriend. She might have some of the issues that myself & other posters have mentioned but feels she cant say it to you. Maybe she doesn't want to pressure you because of your 'performance issues'. It might also be that old-fashioned thing you come across in movies etc. that the man should be in control and the woman is constantly resisting (ridiculous).
Again this would be you instigating something (in this case a conversation), but in the long run it should be constructive to the relationship. Any problem in a relationship should be talked about, how are things going to improve otherwise? Alot of this could just be crossed wires. She mightn't realise how much this is frustrating you. Sit her down & have a talk, getting things out in the open has to be a good thing.
Wishing you well
She doesn't instigate things, you have performance issues when with her. All this in the first six months when most people want nothing more than to rip each other's clothes off. Is it really worth it? It all sounds so serious and dutiful and onerous and resentful, but not at all fun. Do each of you fancy each other that much? Is it perhaps a case of sexual incompatibility?