I put my jeans and jumper into the washing machine last night and turned it on to a coloured wash.The jeans came out six times too big and the jumper came out with a hood on it.
My wife got me to believe in Religion.............
Until I married her, I didn't believe in HELL
Heard this one yesterday made me laugh
ME - well boss,,sorry but i dont think ill make it to work today...
BOSS - Why?
Me- sorry but im suffering from anal blindness..
Boss - Anal blind ness,what?? what you mean..
ME - yaa anal blindness,just cant see my arse getting out of bed dismorning
/walk up close to their ear and whisper...
What's the difference between an erection and a ferrari?
What does women stand for
Joe to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're shagging your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
Paddy: "Well the joke's on them stupid bastards because I wasn't even home yesterday."
Towards the end of the golf course, Jim hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.
Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.
All of a sudden.....POOF!!
In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, 'I'm Mother Nature ! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups???
Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life: better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life..... As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!!!!!
Then POOF!......she was gone !!!
After Jim recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, 'Fred where are you?'
Fred yells back 'I'm over here in the Pussy Willows.'
Dave shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, Fred; FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING !!!!!'
I was walking down the street the other day and I saw these two blind blokes squaring up to fight. I shouted My money's on the one with the knife. You should have seen how fast they both ran off.
Galway...where travelers settle!
^thats the joke!
dont get ya?
Why did the knacker get sick on the Bus?
What's the bad news about being a test tube baby?
Danny sets up Andy to go on a blind date with Shirley, a friend of his. But Andy is a little worried about going out with someone he has never seen before.
"What do I do if she's ugly?" says Andy, "I'll be stuck with her all night."
"Don't worry." Danny says. "Just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned. If you don't, just shout Aaauuuggghhh! and fake an asthma attack."
So that night, Andy knocks at Shirleys door, and when she comes out he is awe-struck at how beautiful and sexy she is. Andy's about to speak when the girl suddenly shouts, "Aaauuuggghhh!
laughed for about 20 seconds solid. amazing.
What gets longer as it rubs between a womans breasts?