silverharp Registered User
#1

At some stage (hopefully a decade off) my remaining parent will bow to the inevitable. My wider family will be expecting a traditional funeral. What do you do? My preference would be a quick cremation and go for a meal with my close family. Instead I cant see how to avoid the "circus" with the frock man telling me where he imagines where my departed is in the universe.

MrsMcSteamy Registered User
#2

Well my 2 cents on the matter would be what would your parent want ? Have you discussed it with them? As it will be a celebration of their life and the last thing you can do for them as son/daughter then you should do everything that they wish for and put personal feelings aside for the day.

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the_syco Registered User
#3

Do you have so little repect for your parents that you see their funeral as a f**king inconvenience?

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#4

silverharp said:
At some stage (hopefully a decade off) my remaining parent will bow to the inevitable. My wider family will be expecting a traditional funeral. What do you do? My preference would be a quick cremation and go for a meal with my close family. Instead I cant see how to avoid the "circus" with the frock man telling me where he imagines where my departed is in the universe.


Any idea what your parent wants? Thats your answer if you want a definitive one. Weird topic to bring up, but maybe you could find an indirect way to bring the subject up at some stage. If they want the big Catholic funeral that's what you should do. If they want to be buried at sea, at midnight, then that's what you should do.

MagicMarker Banned
#5

Whatever the parent wants the parent gets.

robindch Moderator
#6

silverharp said:
At some stage (hopefully a decade off) my remaining parent will bow to the inevitable. My wider family will be expecting a traditional funeral. What do you do?
Far as I know, a deceased has little or no prior legal control over what kind of funeral that they're going to have. That said, you'd be a dick if you didn't do what they'd want. Have you considered that they might be worried that you might do something like cremate them and stick them in a jar on the mantelpiece?

I think it would be best for you to discuss what they want, and then come up with a plan that you and they are happy with. Then stick to it!
MrsMcSteamy said:
As it will be a celebration of their life
Catholic funerals are not allowed to be celebrations of anyone's life. It's a few years I've seen the rules, but far as I recall, you're not allowed to deliver any kind of a speech at all about them and are really supposed to talk about them (a) in relation to the church and (b) talk up the catholic view that the person isn't dead at all but just resting.

My own grandfather died a few years ago just a few months shy of his 100th birthday and there was a good turnout for the funeral. For various reasons the coffin was draped in the Irish flag on its way to the church, but when we reached the door, the priest was ready for us and told is to remove the flag and replace it with a cross-encrusted drape (who's boss, eh?!). Being the eldest grandchild, but an atheist, I wasn't invited to say anything from the pulpit as a few other more compliant grandchildren were. Not that they were allowed to say very much, anyway, since I believe their short comments had to be pre-approved by the priest. The priest spoke for perhaps ten minutes, only one or two of which were related to granddad who -- as he mentioned -- had only converted from protestantism to catholicism in the first place so that he could marry my grandmother. The whole thing went on for an hour or so and could have been a funeral for just about anybody, save the church was full of people I knew.

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AudreyHepburn Registered User
#7

You should whatever your parents want, nothing more and certainly nothing less.

It would be extremely selfish and insenstive if you went for a secular ceremony, putting your wishes ahead of theirs and ignoring what they wanted.

Also remember you are, I assume, not the only child or blood relation. Listen to everyon'e opinions and ideas. It's not all up to you.

Dades Would you like to know more?
#8

I'd be fairly sure when a death occurs, a call to the deceased's Parish Priest will get you all the information you need.

I'm bemused as to why this is bothering you now, though.

Riskymove Registered User
#9

silverharp said:
Instead I cant see how to avoid the "circus" with the frock man telling me where he imagines where my departed is in the universe.


then dont attend

you can still organise it for the wider family

drkpower Registered User
#10

robindch said:
It's a few years I've seen the rules, but far as I recall, you're not allowed to deliver any kind of a speech at all about them and are really supposed to talk about them (a) in relation to the church and (b) talk up the catholic view that the person isn't dead at all but just resting.


:confused:I dont know if there are actually 'rules' on this type of thing, but if there are, very few churches that i have been to actually abide by them. One of my parents died quite a few years ago and there was no difficulty whatsoever with one of the family members giving a eulogy which didnt mention catholicism, heaven, the church or God once..... Similar experience with other funerals ive been to. The reality is, at a loved ones funeral, if you want to say a few words (with no reference to God) just tell the priest you are going to say something, go up there and say it. Unless the guy is an idiot, he isnt going to wave the rulebook at you. If he does, he deserves the likely reaction of a grieving family member.

As for the OP (forgive me if I am mis-interpreting your words, if that is what i am doing), this is an example of what I dislike about the attitudes of many atheists (and I am one). It is not about you; when it comes to someone elses funeral, noone cares whether you believe it is a circus, or whether you believe there is no heaven. It is about what they want or what the family thinks he would have wanted. Get involved (to the extent that you can), absorb what he wants/wanted; put your principles aside for one moment; dont revel in the sense of being wronged by the silly frock-men. Do what your loved one would have wanted you to do. There are plenty of opportunities to take up the crusade; this isnt one of them.

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RoverJames Banned
#11



MOD EDIT

-- Completely disproportionate abusive reaction snipped --

RoverJames taking a ban.

MagicMarker Banned
#12

drkpower said:
As for the OP (forgive me if I am mis-interpreting your words, if that is what i am doing), this is an example of what I dislike about the attitudes of many atheists (and I am one). It is not about you; when it comes to someone elses funeral, noone cares whether you believe it is a circus, or whether you believe there is no heaven. It is about what they want or what the family thinks he would have wanted.


In fairness, the same can be said to theists.

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drkpower Registered User
#13

MagicMarker said:
In fairness, the same can be said to theists.


Absolutely; but thay have an excuse of believing in all that crazy sh!t and beleiving that they need to spread the word etc. We dont.

robindch Moderator
#14

drkpower said:
I don't know if there are actually 'rules' on this type of thing
The General Instruction of the Roman Missal fifth is the Vatican document which describes what it thinks should happen in and around masses. In chapter 8, section 2 (paragraph 338) it talks about funerals:
God himself
At the funeral Mass there should as a rule be a short homily, but never a eulogy of any kind.
drkpower said:
there are, very few churches that i have been to actually abide by them
And I've never been to a catholic church which allowed anything more than the briefest comments about the dead person -- as above, not more than a couple of minutes of person-specific stuff, with the rest all running to formula. A few priests might no doubt loosen the rules from time to time, but in general, the rules are strict.

#15

As it happens the undertakers take care of the whole thing, from arranging the service, paying the priest/minster, paying the cemeteries fees etc.

You actually have very little to do, at least that's my experience.

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