Not a good idea, money wise or health wise.
Long day. As regards food, well i'd nearly eat straight out of the tub of butter now. whatever is worst for me is what i feel i deserve these days - if ye hadn't gathered i'm still in that awful down spiral of self hatred, i just can't bear myself. I went over to two friends of mine earlier and went the happy buzz but mostly it doesn't feel like me anymore. what really pisses me off is there's so many worse off and i feel like i'm whining. Damn it.
I'm sure a lot of us here can relate to the self hatred. Why do you hate yourself?
Living on your own is it? So do I.
Have been feeling very,very low over the past few weeks,have been unable to crawl out of bed til mid afternoon on most days,have no appetite,no energy,and have been crying for no reason.I have been having more and more detailed thoughts of suicide too.I also self harmed for the first time since November last night,just to try and feel some relief which I now feel terrible about.Just feel lost,lonely and hopeless and I can't see things getting any better.
I can't stand me. Mostly because i've made people around me suffer, and also because i'm from an 'old school' background where mental illness is total bs that doesn't exist and i'm just inventing things to make my life seem hard. Which makes me feel guilty for taking up time in doctor's office and hospital and so shouldn't i just go disappear and stop making work for everyone. Sorry, rant over.
I can't stand myself either for many physical and emotional issues. I'd say it's a common enough issue in here.
Don't mind other people. Your problems are as important as anyone else's so no need to feel guilty.
Rarely cooking for yourself. With a freezer you can be extremely economical and live with tasty food even when cooking for one. As the only veggie in this house this is effectively what I do.
Are you living on your own Starviewadams, have you much family?
I'm a veggie too! Yeah I think that's the way to go - cook a massive portion and freeze, to save me cooking. Really going to try to be healthier.
I surprise, surprise also hate myself.
It's like an illness has invaded all of us. This reminds me of a book I read about a girl with anorexia, where she thought she was special and unique and the only one who thought like that and then she read other girl's accounts of anorexia and realised they'd all been invaded by an illness.
Not exactly the same, but with depression I think each one of us thinks we are the most awful person, when everyone is really feeling the same way. It is the disease, not you.
I remember some-one saying to me: if you could see what I see when I look at you: "you're beautiful, compassionate, kind, likable", and all that rolled off me, and I immediately thought, "No I'm horrible and worthless". It's an awful way to be. Like I see all the good in you but I knew if I told you you wouldn't believe me, we somehow have to figure it out for ourselves. Keep fighting everyone.
Has anything triggered this do you know?
I always comfort eat when feeling down. Or even just when I'm bored. Never made myself throw up though. Usually just lie down afterwards feeling sick and try to sleep off the groggy feeling.
And as with the SH thing, the "why the hell are you not bulimic?" thoughts start manifesting in my mind. Feeling guilty for not having a particular illness; it's really fúcked up how my mind works.
Ok, well at least I'm not the only one. I thought I was some kind of freak. I know it sounds bizarre for me to say that I find it comforting knowing someone else is going through the same thing ('cause I wouldn't want anyone to go through these kind of issues) but I'm a little glad I'm not alone in feeling that way.
For me, it can all be boiled down to one simple sentence: "I'm not good enough".
I'm not good-looking and feel ugly most of the time.
I'm overweight and have never bothered trying to do anything about it, no matter how many times I tell myself I'm gonna exercise and start eating better.
I have no talent whatsoever; can't sing, dance, act, paint, play any sport. I was told I had a good way with words but any time I try creative writing I give up after a few minutes 'cause I tell myself that what I wrote was rubbish.
I'm not smart enough, at least not anymore; I flew through primary and secondary school but fúcked up college a bit.
I'm obsessive to a degree where things I did when I was about 6 years old come back to haunt me. I can never let go of the past and keep getting depressed over things that happened ages age, even though I know I can't go back and change them. I'm like a broken record, complaining all the time. I have bucketloads of regret about even the silliest, most trivial things.
I'm really open and honest with strangers but when I get to know someone I close up and can't be honest with them. I act like a different person around my family than I do when I'm with my friends. So I'm not even good enough at being me!
Is there a friend/relative you can call to talk to? Or your GP? Or The Samaritans or some other helpline?