Going go unreg for this one.
Long story short.
Ive been having a regular sexual relationship with a girl i was friendly with for past few years now. I know she is mad about me and on occasions told me she loved me. I tried to cool things off with her at the time when she told me this but i really enjoyed sleeping with her and i hate to admit it but i would ring her or call over to her when i was horney.
Anyway i have met someone now and i am in a relationship with her so i stopped replying to texts and phone calls from the FB.
Today i received a letter from her telling me she was so upset at been used etc and she was so hurt. but i told her from day one we would never be having a relationship as we were just not compatible. How can i explain this to her and make her move on and stop wasting her time on me.
To the Op.
You are probably feeling guilty because you know what you did was wrong.
I hope you recognise the hurt you have caused this girl. If you want a FB , ensure there is understanding on both sides and if one developes feelings , its better to call it a day early on and not use people for sex.
I know this seems harsh but I would advice you not to reply because you have already given her far too much false hope in the past. In the future if your current relationship doesnt work out, do not contact this girl, she is/was clearly hoping you will develop the same feelings she has for you.
Thanks for your reply but actually I dont feel guilty about it. I told her from day one we would never have a relationship. Its not like i lead her up the garden path. She still slept with me. i just dont want her contacting me anymore.
Ludicrous and judgmental. Don't listen to that crap. The OP has said:
Alot of people, on hearing things like this, are determined to change the other person's mind/heart. "I know he said he just wants a f*ck-buddy but if I treat him really well, I know he'll love me someday!" Cute thinking but it doesn't always work like that. The girl not getting the message isn't (entirely) the OP's fault and he's not posting here to ask for a guilt-trip.
That was a digression, I apologise....
Anyway, to the OP, I do agree with the last part of ellie1's post. It's probably best that you just don't reply to the letter and leave it there. It'll pretty much make her see you as a horrible person cos it's a pretty horrible thing to do. But you did set that precedent when you just stopped replying to calls/texts. So just keep it up and be the asshole that the former FB kinda needs you to be to get over you.
In short, don't do a thing.
I don't think the OP did anything wrong. People are allowed have sex without things turning into a relationship, and he did tell her a relationship would not be on the cards.
OP, the girl is obviously in a lot of pain. That makes me sad. I would not be able to just ignore her. I think you should meet her and once again explain the situation. Let her know that you think she is a great girl, really beautiful and special, but you are quite different people and you know it wouldn't work out in the long term. Tell her you are certain of this, so she would be better off trying to find love with someone else.
You could even offer to stay in touch if she ever needs someone to talk to. But you must make it clear that you are not compatible long term so getting into a relationship is a no go.
This will comfort her a little, as she knows you are still in her life somewhat. With time she will meet someone else and move on with her life.
Maybe this is bad advice, but I just couldn't personally let someone suffer like that.
When the op was having sex with her , he knew that she had deeper feelings for him. He has said that despite this he rang her when he was horny. Now he knew the girl was mad about him but he didnt feel the same.So in this case and in my judgement, he should have some guilt in knowing that he was taking advantage of somebody who had feelings for him. If he was horny, he should have went out and had sex with somebody he didnt know or somebody that didnt have feelings for him. And Op if you dont feel guilty about that , in my opinion which may be regarded by some and indeed yourself as judgemental, you should.
I agree entirely with ellie1. I was in a similar situation myself with someone and i know exactly how she feels. You knew she loved you and when she told you so at that point you should have said bye bye. I think your best leaving this girl alone and let her get on with her life. And as ellie1 pointed out if things dont work out with your current lady dont feel you have an open invitation to contact the first as that is damn right the w@anker material on your part if you do.
Write a letter back saying you're really sorry she's hurt but you are now in a relationship and don't wish to hear from her again as you feel she's been hurt enough and deserves alot better. Tell her she's a great girl but you're just not right for each other and you don't have the feelings for her that she has for you.
I know you've probably said all this before but do acknowledge her while stating that you now want to cut contact. I wouldn't recommend in the future using anyone for anything as it just leads to alot of hurt and you yourself wouldn't like to be used. This girl wasn't using you.
We are only responsible for our own feelings. We are not responsible for how others feel.
She chose to get attached. He didn't ask for that or encourage it. He even tried to "cool things off" when he felt they were getting a bit serious.
It's unfortunate she fell in love with him, but that was her choice.
He can feel sad that she is hurting, but I don't think he should be feeling guilty.
If you're using someone then they're going to get hurt. You should definately feel guilty about that. And responsible for your behaviour. When you're treating someone like crap then its a fair indication of how you feel about yourself. Have a bit of self respect and then these situations will fade away.
He wasn't using her though. They had a FB relationship, i.e. no strings attached sex.
What were you thinking? No wonder she went a bit do-lally over ya. You should have left well enough alone once you knew you both wanted different things from it.
If she sent you a letter, then she is desperate for closure. You cut her off cold, which you are entitled to do, but it hurt her. So for gods sake tell her once, and tell her straight exactly what you have said here. That she was a booty call and you never once had feelings for her. It may hurt her again, she will probably call you some creative names, but it will also remove any glimmer of hope she may be holding out that you had or have feelings for her. And as you say, make her go away*.
*Unless she goes off the rails completely and camps outside your house or something. Which is always a risk when you treat someone badly. (and like it or not, you did, when you played with her - declared - feelings)
I reallly dont want to get into a debate/discussion about whether it was right or wrong BUT he did in fact encourage her by continuing to have sex with her when he knew she had developed deeper feelings for him. Quite often some women attach sex to a deeper form of intimacy and indeed to love. The op was very much aware of her feelings and although he is not responsible for her feelings. He should of done the "decent" thing and ended it when she had expressed her love of him.
Having a FB is using someone for sex. Sometimes they're using you back but this girl wasn't using the OP. The OP knew that quite well. Therefore he's behaved badly. A relationship is when someone isn't being used with a view to being discarded for a new shinier object. FB and relationship don't belong in the same sentence.
Oh come on, heart of stone, we actually do have some responsibilty for how others feel. Yes to an extent your feeling are your own and no one has the "power"to make you feel something you dont want to feel (blah blah) But in the real world other people make you feel certain ways ten times a day. IMO anyone to think that they dont have power or influence over peoples feeling is plain silly. Especially someone who confessed strong feelings for the other person. He used her and knew she was in love with him, he doesnt seem to care about the fact she loved him, he cared about the lay, that doesnt make him a terrible person, people are selfish sometimes.
Anyway OP you should not contact her again after sitting her down and explaining that you never loved her and never will. Then leave her alone for good.