#1

Authentic announcements that London tube train drivers have made to their passengers over the years:

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction."


"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."


"Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."


"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now
... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'."


"We are now traveling through Baker Street... As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that".


"Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."


During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentlemen... Unfortunately, towels are not provided."


"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause...) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...."


"Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions."


"Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."


"We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door."


"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"

"Please move all baggage away from the doors." (Pause..) "Please move ALL belongings away from the doors." (Pause...)
"This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your arse sideways!"


"May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage."

Dan133269 Registered User
#2

I always find it remarkable how everyone dashes fearlessly into the trains as the doors are closing as if their lives depended on it when there's going to be another train within 2 minutes

#3

It's amber light syndrome. When the light turns amber you accelerate instead of stopping.

Sam Vimes Registered User
#4

Dan133269
I always find it remarkable how everyone dashes fearlessly into the trains as the doors are closing as if their lives depended on it when there's going to be another train within 2 minutes

maybe they think its like the irish train system where there is approximately three years between trains

mc nuggets Registered User
#5

Brilliant..... heard something simial before but i cant remember it

dimerocks Registered User
#6

i'd love to hear the train driver giving out to somebody on the train over the intercom. that'd be a good aul luagh

dolanbaker Moderator
#7

I heard this one

"I apologise to the passingers in the first carrage who are unable to leave the train, as I was blinded by the pillock with a camera....PLEASE don't take pictures of the driver as the train leaves the tunnel"

On a Virgin train

"sorry for the delay, we are having technical difficulties, I am going to reboot the train and hope we can get moving soon"

Simona1986 Registered User
#8

Had something similiar on the LUAS in it's early days.
Went along the lines of this is your captain speaking, we will be flying at 15,000 feet, the weather in dublin is wet and windy etc..
Was a good laugh.

MrJoeSoap Registered User
#9

Had two legendary American pilots this summer, along the same lines as these quotes.

One was joking saying that they were going to leave our bags behind.

The other one had to abort a take-off because someone on board was sick, so when we eventually got ready to take off he came on the intercom and said "As we say in the States, lets burn this Taco Stand!"

Legends.

Mr Magnolia Moderator
#10

LOL'd, great post.


nipplenuts
"Please move all baggage away from the doors." (Pause..) "Please move ALL belongings away from the doors." (Pause...)
"This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your arse sideways!


jaggeh Registered User
#11

got this from a comedian a few weeks back

On the mersey rail, in the middle of winter
"On behalf of mersey rail i would like to apologise for the broken heaters in the carraiges, due to the inclement weather you may feel some discomfort, but if its any consolation im ****ing freezing too"

r3nu4l Administrator
#12

Dan133269
I always find it remarkable how everyone dashes fearlessly into the trains as the doors are closing as if their lives depended on it when there's going to be another train within 2 minutes


From my own experience on the underground I can tell you that 2 minutes makes a severe difference as to whether you catch your mainline train from Kings Cross so these days I too throw myself at the doors

On topic (sort of): Waiting on Central train service from Cambridge to Stanstead Airport...

"Good morning ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to apologise for the delay to the 07:24 Central train service to Stanstead Airport, we have the drivers but they appear to have misplaced their train this morning. Mondays eh? Who'd 'ave 'em?"

Funny now, not at the time

Pepe LeFrits Registered User
#13

I've heard quite a few things like that on the tube. I was the butt of it once; I was going home from work with a laptop and I foolishly jumped onto the train just as the doors were closing, and the laptop got stuck on the outside of the train (attached to my arm by the bag's strap).

I thought it'd be OK because the doors would open again. They didn't, and the train started to move. I'd no option but to shout at someone to pull the emergency stop, which they did.

Queue the intercom:

"What's the problem down there?"
"er... I got my bag stuck in the door."
"Ok, well we'll have to wait for someone to come to reset the emergency stop, should be about two minutes."

So there I am left to stew in the carriage with everyone staring at me.

*General Intercom*
"Sorry about the delay folks, an Irish bloke at the rear of the train decided to try and jump on at the last minute and got his bag stuck in the door, delaying us all. Hopefully we'll be underway soon."

Fortunately everyone got off at the next stop so my humiliation ended there.

Dan133269 Registered User
#14

lol yes us Irish always come across as stupid to those across the water.

phantom_lord Registered User
#15

Dan133269
lol yes us Irish always come across as stupid to those across the water.



No we don't....

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